You are not yet divorced, nor filed. You can sell anything you want - including the drums. Get on Craigs List - advertise this way - "Deadbeat husband's stuff - need to keep a roof over the heads of his wife and children - so I'm selling the drums - I need $xxx to pay the mortgage - any little bit will help.

The free advertising on both issues will add to the much needed exposure this man needs. Do not enable him by keeping his secret that he's neglecting his family in favor of the OW called BOOZE!!!!!

See if there isn't enough there to feed your family cover the cost of the divorce and pay the mortgage.

BTW, I found a lawyer when I was going through this that wanted $500 for the filing fee and $200 - he figured we didn't have much stuff to settle, so he could do it for that little.

Aw, what they hay, you're all I've got. 2 letters, here's the 1st:

Dear Julie, I am writing you this letter with the hopes that you'll read it. With an open mind, just as I did with the printout you gave me (my PBL). I am very aware of my problems and have never tried to downplay or deny them. But, I feel you haven't been honest with yourself about your fault in this break-up is. You must understand taht I have loved you with all of my heart for 11 years but, I reached a breaking point. Your obsessiveness has done more than drive a wedge. It made me think that I had to go outside our marriage to get what I needed. Inattentive, obsessive, distant, self-conscious, narcicistic, dependent on me, and a low sex-drive are the traits that made my decision easier. I am not writing this to make you feel bad. I think you need to own up and realize this was a two-way street, and I am the one who chose to leave. You did not throw me out. I can't imagine that it makes you feel better knowing that you are denying our children the right to speak to me. If you say that I am a good father, why won't you let me be one? Ignoring my calls is not only childish it hurts very bad. For 2 weeks now (DD/11) has been under the impression that I left so I could drink. We both know that is only part of the reason. So while it is not my place to discuss your problems with her, I would appreciate it if you would. She deserves to know the truth, and I don't deserve to be the scapegoat. We both f*_-ed up up and we both are not going to change. Regardless of that, I am committed to being the best dad I can be. I always have been that way. I hope one day we can talk face to face and maybe make peace with this. Love, H

In Plan B you really shouldn't have read the letter but since you did, what did it say? The only response to it should be if he is willing to meet your conditions.

Good idea from Kayla about Craig's List. That's a quick way to get your hands on some $$. Why couldn't you sell the left over items from jobs? Do they belong to someone else?

#2:

I cannot give you any money today. I have not been paid. I also haven't worked much in the last 2 wks. I will give you 50% of my checks when I have enough to pay rent. I cannot give you $1000 a month. Maybe you will have to live without cable and internet for a while. Sorry but, things are a lot worse here.

Hold onto this. You now have it in writing that he admits that part of the reason he left was so that he could drink. That will hurt him in the long run. The Courts will frown on this, especially since he has $$ to continue to drink. Otherwise, ignore this letter. He's just trying to guilt you for his actions.

Should I tell IM I won't read it? She can have it? Remind him to refer to PBL/not send me letters? Or just store it someplace safe?

zero response, except to get those ads on craigs list - you are far to focused on him to be in a true plan b so far.

Your only job today is to get stuff sold.

OH, there goes the kids' cell phone now. I'M ignoring it, but little does H know, THEY are busy, GOING TO TOWN turning Dad's "old space" into THEIR "new space"!

I chuckle. Narcicistic

I know your angry and hurt. But I hope you're not encouraging the kids to get revenge on their dad or badmouthing him to them. One of the reasons for Plan B is to PROTECT the love that you have left for WH. You should be protecting THEIR love for him too by keeping them out of it (except to explain that what daddy is doing is wrong and that you hope he'll get help).

You do what you need to do for your family, selling the things you need to sell, cutting off the cell phone (for cost reasons), filing for divorce (to protect yourself legally and financially), etc. but don't get into a revenge game. You'll only hurt yourself and your kids. KWIM?

Thanks PM, I needed that sanp back to reality. I WAS getting a little carried away. I just told DD I'm probably going to sell the drums for money & she said, "well, he took money we need, so it's only fair". But I'll go back & let her know I hope he gets help & that we love him.

It's tough to balance.

FYI, FWIW, I DID tell my kids I have issues/problems that I need to fix/work on, and that I am.

did your intermediary give you that letter?

Julie, has he not been able to see the kids in that long? Has some arrangement been made that allows him to spend time with the children? I've tried to catch up with your thread and may have missed where you had discussed this.

You're welcome. I just saw myself in what you were saying (I was soooooo sooooo bad - not MB at all!). I just want you to be spared the unnecessary pain of having to go down that path and then finding your way back.

Ask your intermediary to not send you anything that he sends UNLESS it is in accordance with your PBL. Intermediaries act as "SPAM filters," allowing only communication that fits the boundaries set forth in Plan B to be passed on.

She should not share any other info he sends, regardless of how benign the content. She can tell you that he sent something, but that is all. What she should do is thank him for his communication, but let him know that according to your letter, you won't be reading it.

Ask her to SAVE the emails and you will read them at a future time. Don't tell her, but you may need them for future use in court as PrincessMeggy suggested.

The key is for her to be very consistent and not allow him to push this boundary.

Mel, IM didn't give me the letter, DS/8 did. There are/probably will be no emails, they're hand-written.

Graplin, he's seen them. 1/9 was 1st "arranged" visit per our every Wed. agreement, and every other wkend which was this weekend but DD won't go. DS asked to come home early cuz he was bored.

PM, good save. I called a "meeting" with my kids, which I cried my way thru, but told them I'm hurt but I'm not mad. I said H is sick - so sick that he says he's not sick, and that makes me sad, and I hope he gets better. I may sell his stuff, not cuz I'm mad but because I need $ & he isn't giving me any. I told them I'm cutting off his phone for money reasons. I told them we are all going to continue to get help (Alateen) and I hope H gets help, and that he re-joins us & we can be a family again. I made it clear to them that I have issues/problems & I'm working on them. They understood. DD didn't cry, DS did. I told them I am going to be OK, even though I'm very hurt & crying.

Now I walk away from this box.

gotcha. How about next time just sticking it in an envelope and not reading it? [but save it for court in case you need it]

Your intermediary should contact him TODAY and tell him that you will not read any letters sent by the kids and to send all information through HER, so she can screen it. That will train him to stop using the kids as mediums and to use her.

That was great with the kids. You just scored big with them in the fact that you were willing to admit your own stuff and encouraged them about what's going on. As teens, they may not tell you that now, but later on in life they will.

Mel's right you know about the letters. He did a end-run on you. Use your intermediary. She could have just told you: No money coming right now... same old excuses. The only communication you care about hearing right now is that he is willing to meet your terms.

Scoring big...I could use somma that right now! H's cell phone: dead.

Y'all think I should send the family (mostly H's, as I don't have much around) an email that he's out of the house? No not to be vengeful or to put H on the spot but I got a call from H's eldest sister today & got the "well nobody tells me anything". When this all began I emailed H's younger sister & mom to let them know I'd just figured out he has a problem...what would you do?

"I cannot give you any money today. I have not been paid. I also haven't worked much in the last 2 wks. I will give you 50% of my checks when I have enough to pay rent. I cannot give you $1000 a month"

See an attorney and make payments if you have to for his services to establish child support. It is not optional.