I think as long as you let them know that you still love him and are trying to save your marriage and your family. They may even offer to help financially.

Yeah - I'd let them know he is having trouble paying the house payment - see if they'll help - that way the proceeds from the sale of his stuff can go to attorney fees.

You are really ALL ABOUT me selling some stuff! I sent the email. I expect no offers financially, but I already feel relieved that H's mom & younger sister aren't able to keep this secret as they tend to do. For so many years I've kept secrets...and I'm finally letting go of that. It's actually a bit liberating! I don't have to carry this all on my own!

I know I'll have a lot more people praying for us now though, and I'll take it.

Julie, I hope you DID tell them that this has all stemmed from his drinking and that he has a serious drinking problem?

Actually no, because these aren't people I talk to often & I don't want to come off as catty. I played with it, but kept it out. I left a snippit about "his lifestyle" so if inquiring minds want to know, they shall be informed.

I'm considering firing his sister as IM too, not because she's not doing well but because I think it's only going to get more difficult. And she can't righly be "supportive" to us both in the way she wants when she has to be the "neutral" "middle-man".

I did make $17 by selling kids' clothes though! Score!

Just returned from an Al-Anon meeting. I still can't put my finger on it, but yes, indeed, these meetings are a HUGE part of my life & any sanity I wish to maintain. Today I just sat, and when it was my turn I asked if I could just listen today. Of course, the friendly strangers were very agreeable. I cried a lot. Yet I'm glad I went. I'll have to clear this with the kids first, but I'm going to try to make it my goal to attend a meeting every day this week. I found one on Tues. night where Alateen meets @the same time, so that's a given.

Hope you are all well. It's -2 right now & I guess the Packers are to play today. I'll be at the grocery store. But Extreme Makeover is about horses!!

In response to my email to the family, MIL/H's mother is not happy. And I am not surprised. The world is his enabler, I am the evil wife. Her reply:

Dear Julie, I'm afraid you made a mistake here. It was not your responsibility, nor your right, to notify my family of your plight. That would have been up to (H) alone. I really don't appreciate your doing so, especially since you present such a one-sided view of it, and seem to refuse to accept any responsibility of your own. As my mother always said "It takes two to make it and two to break it."

I was very supportive of you when you first told me of this and I agree that (H) has a problem with alcohol, he admits that himself. But nothing is ever one-sided. Your communication to my family seems a little self-righteous... as if you are attempting to vindicate yourself of any wrong doing before anyone can accuse you of anything. Well, my family knows you too - and they will take it for what it's worth.

I'm sorry if this seems harsh, but please remember that (H) is my son and I love him. A mother will always stand up for her children right or wrong. I'm not blind, and I'm not stupid and neither are my brothers and sisters. We are fully aware of our family history with all its faults and demons and we will do all that we can to support (H) and help him through this. I'm sorry it had to come to this, but I'm afraid you've gone too far.

I don't condone divorce, and I continue to pray that you and (H) will fix things and get back together but it's not all on him. It's not all his fault. I have loved you in spite of our differences and I know now that this is going to adversely affect our relationship. That saddens me because I love the kids too, and this is going to color that relationship as well. But I am asking you please to show some respect for me, for him, and for my family and leave any further "announcements" up to us.

I am, after all, your Mother-in-law. (MIL)

Julie, I know this is hurtful, but not surprising. Many parents confuse LOVE with ENABLING and that is clearly the case here. This is part of the reason he has not grown into a man. Addionally, his mother has been hearing ONE SIDE all this time, HIS SIDE. And in his side, I suspect you have been featured as the head demon in charge of he11.


This is the comment of an ENABLER, not a mother who truly loves her son. A mother who LOVES her son would NEVER stand up for him if he were WRONG, she would stand against it because it is not in her son's best interest. She would help him on the RIGHT PATH, not the WRONG PATH. I would NEVER support my son in being a BAD MAN, and that is what she is choosing.

I am CONCERNED about your SIL being the intermediary given his mothers response. His mother wrote this likely knowing that he has refused support, hasn't she?

Refused support? OH no, look at the support he's getting - I'm sure he's eating it all up - wouldn't you? Refusing to quit/change/recover/get help - yes, to my knowledge, none of this has occurred.

It's slightly hurtful, but by no means do I feel I was wrong to inform the family (one of her sisters has already responded, also a distant daughter) of the TRUTH that exists in my family. *I* will determine what's right/wrong for my family, and *I* will take it upon myself to make whatever announcements I see fit regarding *MY* family!! I agree, SIL will need to be replaced soon (my expectation is that she will resign, it'll be "just the 3 of them" again soon)

I do fear though, given this reaction, that H & my chance to reconcile has just diminished even more. And damn her for that.

...and YIKES, did you see how she's going to let this affect her (nearly-non-existent) relationship w/my kids? Vile woman

When I say "refused support," I am referring to CHILD SUPPORT. He has REFUSED to pay you child support or help you with the bills.

And don't worry about reconciliation. If it is going to happen, that will not stop it.

Got it. Well, so I shouldn't dignify this with a response? I'm not rushing to do so, but I've got some ideas cooking...although giving her no reaction at all could be the most rewarding as the replies from "her family" pour in. Vile woman.

Don't even bother. This is not a debating contest. Don't give her more opportunities to demonize you. Arguing with an idiot brings you down to her level.

Remember, in our last conversation 1/9, H said to me, "I'm going to keep giving you money, no need to get attorneys involved, I'm not sure what my next check will look like so I can't say a set amount, but I'm going to be helping..."

Well...well...well...

That translates into...

"If you contact an attorney I will HAVE to contribute financially...since I have NO plans on doing that, I do not want you to contact one. IF I give you any money at all, it will be AFTER I have what I want and need and I cannot do that if I am ORDERED by the court to help support the children."

Yep...he is a piece of work....

Sell everything you possibly can before you contact an attorney. Log the amounts that you received and what you spent the money on...mortgage...groceries....electric bill...so that you show that it was NEEDED to sustain HIS children.

I am not so sure how it would look if you started selling marital assests AFTER retaining an attorney. His attorney (if he had one) would make issue of it...or try to.

committed

Guys, I am going mad here. I have to be honest. This email has been on my mind all day. It's just so much, all of it. And still, I miss my H something fierce. I want him back, I want my life back, I want my bills paid, and I want to type out a long, detailed, vicious response to this ugly, ignorant email. Once home, I realized she'd copied H's sister (current intermediary) on the email. I just can't shake it. This is JUST so much.

Julie,

Let's see how you can respond to certain things in the email.

It was not your responsibility, nor your right, to notify my family of your plight. That would have been up to (H) alone.

[color:"red"]I became a member of the family when I married H, so my plight IS your plight...especially when MY children are YOUR grandchildren. So, this does indeed become the plight of us all [/color]

Your communication to my family seems a little self-righteous... as if you are attempting to vindicate yourself of any wrong doing before anyone can accuse you of anything. Well, my family knows you too - and they will take it for what it's worth.

[color:"red"]I take full responsibility for being co-dependent and an enabler of his behavior. [/color]

I'm sorry if this seems harsh, but please remember that (H) is my son and I love him. A mother will always stand up for her children right or wrong.

[color:"red"] He is my H and I love him too. I understand your position as his Mother since I am a Mother too. I am the mother of H's children and of YOUR grandchildren. I am standing up for my MINOR children because H has neglected to financially support them. Our children need a roof over their head, warmth for their bodies, and food in the tummies...I KNOW you would want your son to take care of your grandchildren, THAT is why I have informed you.
[/color]

We are fully aware of our family history with all its faults and demons and we will do all that we can to support (H) and help him through this. I'm sorry it had to come to this, but I'm afraid you've gone too far.

[color:"red"] Can I rely on you to help your grandchildren through this? I am sure that you want your son to support your grandchildren. [/color]

That saddens me because I love the kids too, and this is going to color that relationship as well. But I am asking you please to show some respect for me, for him, and for my family and leave any further "announcements" up to us.

[color:"red"] I will continue to do everything humanly possible to ensure that our children, your grandchildren, are provided for. If that means that I will have to make a few announcements, that is exactly what I will do. I am glad to see that I have your full support, as a Mother, in taking care of my children as you are taking care of your child, H. [/color]

Everyone of the comments that she made can be used by you also. You are simply taking care of your MINOR children. She is ENABLING her adult son. You cannot educate her on this, but you can sure draw a parallel.

committed

Thanks committed. I don't know what it is, but I just cannot shake this! I feel like I am carrying SO MUCH right now and poor ol' boy doesn't have gas money or whathaveyou while b*tchy wife spews truth. I appreciate your perspective. This woman, in 11 yrs, has NEVER "scolded" me before, has had LITTLE to do with my kids, has been quite immature herself and honestly, I've never been able to say I respect her. On 12/22 when this had hit the fan again, I did email her letting her know what's been going on (I'd managed to hide it for 11yrs!) and she swore she'd "support" me and go to meetings and blah blah blah...but when it's time to put your money where your mouth is (or whatever) she has the nerve to BLAME ME!?!?!?

Seriously, I've felt as if I were on the verge of a nervous breakdown all day long. And this is still going to get worse!

I've been out a bit lately so I am catching up with your post Julie. What was in your email to H's family? If I had been here I would have voted NO to sending the email, but that's water under the bridge. You sent out a letter and now you are getting responses. Considering that H's family has shown a lifelong habit of enabling him, did MIL's response really catch you completely off guard? If you think about it, her reponse is probably what might have been expected.

So of course you are very hurt and mad...I wouldn't like it either, I'm just saying it's pretty "normal" response to this type of situation. You may get it from others as well. I hope not, but you might. At this point, if it were me I would NOT respond, at all. I think it will just continue back and forth, get worse, and undermine your plan B.

I like committeds responses, but in an A family logical reasoning is often useless.

With my a's family I have zero expectations of support and understanding. It would require them to take a pretty serious look at all the various other A's in the family and a lifelong addiction to either drinking or enabling. They are nice enough, but I learned that you can't reason with them, it will only disolve into arguing and other things that are counter to your attempt to move into a healthy life.

While it's very hard right now, do not fall into a trap here. Stay strong Julie...

I was so happy to hear that you went to a meeting and that you set a goal to attend one everyday. Remember how you felt when you went? It is your life line, your serenity.

Instead of putting energy into their battle, get to a meeting...either face to face or on line.

Still behind you here

Julie..
I for one am no fan of all this drama going on with you..

the letter writing to the family in my opinion not good...
set up to fail from the begining....

in plan B you have no say nor control over what your WS family is told or not told...and should have no concern..
when and if asked....stick to the facts...

I love my husband
I want us to fix this marriage.
I can no longer expose my children to excessive dope and alcohol

I am hopeful for any and all support I can get...

stick to the objective...

your mother inlaw is no more accepting at this time that your husband has a real problem requiring real intervention on his part alone...

and you are angry and defensive of them/her...for their denial and ignorance...yet you lived that way for a long long time...and yet most family member of an user stay that way for long time....

you wrote your husband a loving plan B letter (I hope/assume)
then you slam him behind his back to his whole family...

not good...

you may need these people...
so it is not smart to alienate them...

If you need these people for help it is wise of you to approach this objectively...

I think you should apologize to her.
I think you should say you love her son
and you want this better...
I think you should tell her about the positive things you are learning in Ala-non

I think you should plead just being so sad it has come to this...(not emotionally crazy....) just sad and that you apoligize for the letter...and can see how it came accross as that and that is not what you meant to do...

I think you should be clear that he has said that he can not give you money...and you are worried the children will suffer....

you can cry and moan that they are enablers..or whatever...but this is all pretty new if this is your real fist attempt at exposure and recovery...

way way early in the game....

ARK