Here is a story:
A friend of mine had so much harbored anger towards her ex-husband that she sought advice from an IC to help her deal with it in a constructive way, without yelling or internalizing. Her suggestion? Write his name on a piece of paper, put it in the toilet and pee on it.

I'm in agreement with ARK to get out of the drama, and try to muster the grace to apologize to your MIL. If she is as bad as she has always been, then do her words honestly surprise you? Take the high road Julie, you are a much better person.

I hope you can attend a meeting soon. I have tried to keep up with your thread, but not sure if you have read co-Dependent no more? Great book, it helped me a lot.

Julie,

Mel's suggestion is great...write it out and place it in a drawer and do not send it. You will get to say everything you want to say and there will be no un necessary fallout. Like SOT said, they ain't gonna get it anyways and they will just use it against you...much like the A uses Plan B against their spouse as justification for their poor behavior.

Read it next week...and see if you feel the same way. Things might change for you and you might actually start letting go of the things that you CANNOT change, which is your H and his family.

committed

THAT's the letter she responded to??

oh pishaw....that's an OK letter ...(IF you had to send one)

don't give it any thought or energy..
it's pointless..

ARK

ark, I was in TX a couple times. Fire ants. I can't hang. Now, are you taking back your suggestion to apologize? I've already embraced the idea! (While still writing here a tell-off letter, for the drawer/never send) Both will probably be therapeutic for me!

You know what else I've been missing? My horse. The best horsey-boy EVAH! Horses are my one true passion in life, the one thing that, thru adolescence & teen years & now motherhood & adulthood, has never let me down & always brought me great joy. It's been below 0 so I haven't ridden or even seen him in about a week. OH how I do love him. I should go tomorrow night, just to go.

You guys are great. And I can't find the dang link for the online Al-Anon meetings! I thought nesre posted 'em up in this thread! Still digging...

...on a related note, while cleaning the basement this weekend I found H's tent. This was a trigger because every summer he goes camping w/friends & I'm not invited. It's 3 days of straight drinking, very little sleep, some guys bring girlfriends (the ones who can drink like their disgusting men) but I'm not welcome. Anyhoo, I gave some real thought to peeing in his tent. Y'all are going to ban me, aren't you? I didn't do it...I swear...but this gave me the chance to admit I thought about it.

dang jealous flatheaded yankee gals! TEXAS ROCKS!! Ya don't see Mexicans trying to sneak into MASSYANKEESETTS, do ya?? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />Heck no, pardner, they come to TEXAS!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" />

God Bless Texas!

Julie, just put yore pistol away for now! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smirk.gif" alt="" />

julie..
I think an apology letter is fine...
but the one you wrote wasn't over the top by any means....
(though imo you didn't need to write anything....)

yeah peeing in the tent...like you'd be the first, since it goes every year with men only; drinking...

that tents probably seen a lot worse than piss...

(and it's not their fault their borders are tainted with the state).......
I'm just doing my duty to cheer julie up...and not living in that big ole dumb state...cheers me up allll the time...

ARKIe

Julie, you don't need to send an apology, IMO. Your letter was just fine. His mother is aghast because she is one of his enablers and is committed to keeping secrets. Dysfunctional families LIKE SECRECY. Don't let them gaslight you into thinking you have done something WRONG, when their son has abandoned his family. Good grief...

you have issues, arkie!

I like the shock factor. In the apology letter, that is. They will ALL be floored! What will she have to argue with then? Who can argue with love?!!?!?

I like the shock factor of peeing in the tent too. It's a new tent. Just got it last year. And it's folded up all nice in its carrier, so if I would have opened it & then folded it/closed it back up....come July....eh, he'd either be too drunk to notice or too wrapped up in AA/his family to consider using the tent. More water under the bridge.

shock factor = drama factor...Don't do it. jmho

Hey Sicko, if you're here, can you link me? I tried from here: http://www.12stepforums.net/alanon.html
but the page is hanging...

Sell it on Craigslist!

Duh...good call!

I'm such a Craigslist junkie, it's shameful!

I personally like the idea of writing a "let it all hang out" letter and keeping it in the drawer. It gets your feelings out, which is therapeutic, and since you don't send it, any offense they could take won't occur.

So is it your MIL's blindness to her son's problem that bothers you? Or is it that they aren't in your corner? Or that they aren't confronting him? Or b/c she is turning it around on you? (hello MIL denial!) I'm trying to figure out exactly which thing got you so angry.

Forgive me if you explained this already, but is there another intermediary you could use besides your SIL?

Free

Hey FTBM, no I didn't explain it but thanks for asking me to, maybe that'll help!?

After H's & my last blow-up, 12/22, we were to go to his mom's for Christmas & I chose not to go. Instead, I put together a very long, very detailed, tell-all kind of email to MIL & SIL. I did that for a few reasons: because I needed to get it off my chest, because I didn't know if I was going to let him stay or not so I wanted them to be "ready", because I was sick & tired of being sick & tired, and ashamed that I'd "hidden" this for so long, and to make them (I know, I know) see their part in it too. H had a VERY rough childhood. Years ago, in an argument, I told MIL I think it's time for H to be allowed to stop raising MIL & SIL. MIL GASPED with horror! But he did - he was the man of the house, rescued MIL from abusive, crack-headed boyfriends, he was there when SIL's 1st & 2nd kids were born at age 13 & 15, and still today they count on H...to move their furniture, borrow them money, save the day, all while facing his own inner turmoil. MIL & SIL both were very kind, loving, said they'd support me & don't blame me, will support whatever decision I make, help w/kids, go to meetings with me...then MIL started to slowly back away. She can't go to a meeting, doesn't want to confront H, wants to be his "soft place to land" if he needs it, etc. I just re-read her first reply tonight, that she sent me on 12/24, when she says, "YOU are right, he needs to quit. He comes from a long line of alcoholics & I've warned him for years to be careful" So, I guess what's getting my goat right now is that while I know she KNOWS this problem is real, it was only OK as long as I kept it between us? I don't know...it was SO liberating to get it out in the open, I used to be such a private person/didn't want people judging my H, but I now know I don't have to carry this all on my own. And she was there with me, now she is demonizing me. What, because he's giving her a sob story? Or telling her I'm obsessive, narcicistic (if you read the letter H wrote me the other day)? For years I have been constantly shocked at how stupid she can be!

Julie I signed in and they are waiting for you.

Try this link

http://www.but1purpose.org/chat/

I just checked the link and it works. Click the link, click yes and you should get right in. You will automatically be signed in as a guest

And in her "I'll support you, call me if you want to talk, I'll check in on you & the kids, I'll take them for you if you need me to..." the MOST she's emailed me this WHOLE time was today, reprimanding me for sharing with "her family" (it wasn't only her brothers & sisters, there was a lot of family copied on the email) the TRUTH. I'm trying to get help, for us, for H, for everyone...and she's scolded me? I've picked up the pieces & put up with crap and held it together all these years and now she wants to dictate who I make announcements to, about MY FAMILY!? Vile woman.

I wish you lived close to me, I would like to help.

How's your first step inventory coming?

For example, how many people, places and things have you listed in the last 10 pages of this thread that you are powerless over?

Why don't you put this together and post it, since you can't make it to a meeting?

BTW, if you think you've got snow, wait til you get what hit Utah today...