Hey KA, thanks for piping in. I did attend an online meeting last night, it helped.

First Step Inventory...not too familiar w/this. I've only been to about 5 or 6 meetings now in the past month, not nearly enough. So far this inventory and the "process" of "working the steps" hasn't come up. None of my materials really speak of it either! A sponsor may help with that? I haven't picked up any of the books either, I could always justify saving the money & putting it towards something the kids & I NEEDED. But I've got a list of titles to get, when I can.

My sponsor had me write out a list of things that I am powerless over - so that I stop trying to take over control of my life from God.

That's a good idea. I got thru today by stopping, thinking, and sometimes writing when I started to feel overwhelmed. It helped. I started to check email from work (obsessive/compulsive) but stopped myself & wrote what I was feeling. I knew that if I checked email, and there was more awfulness there, it could ruin my day again.

I do have an email from an aunt of H's, a nice, supportive, kind email. No more 'you-are-the-spawn-of-the-devil' messages.

I'm having a hard time shaking part of H's letter to me, that I shouldn't have read; the part where he called me narcissistic. He's never used that word before & it really hurt. I get the feeling he took that from his mother & decided to give it a whack - there was a lot of button-pushing in the letter. Anyway, no matter, I looked up the definition today & am still hurt, yet entrigued. I'd actually describe myself more as having something similar to body dysmorphic disorder, but again, no matter. In all my self-help reading I may just find some info on narcissism & learn more. I'm looking forward to having the kids attend an Alateen meeting tonight.

You're not really giving any weight to an A that is shifting this back on you, are you?? Remember the stuff from your meeting last night. The things he says are very hurtful of course, but they are just alcoholic rationalizations. Nothing more. Even if you WERE any of those things, it does not MAKE him drink! Keep the 3 C's at the top of your mind when you are having these moments.

I LOVE the self control today...not readig the emails during the day and writing things. Good job Julie! Keep that up.

Ask about the daily readers tonight...I think you will find them very helpful. I can't remember what they cost, but I remember it was very nominal.

SOT

Nacissism is based on a Greek myth. It's interesting if you read up on it.

You are NOT a narcissist. Oh Pa-lease! He probably just used it, b/c he thought the word made him sound smart.
Most waywards are narcissistc...selfish, egotistical and vane. "All about ME" is their mantra.

You my dear are most likely co-dependent. Go get the book on it. I'm telling you, it will really, really help. If I had extra money I'd send you a copy. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Good news on the aunt's letter and here's hoping the kids get something out of that meeting.

Just getting back here...the kids were NOT digging my idea about the Alateen meeting. "Do we have to?" "YES" They went, I told them they didn't have to talk if they didn't want to....they had FUN!!! They got Beginners' Packets & WANT to go back next week! They chose to pass/not talk or say why they're there, but I'm SO proud of them! And the group I was with, though ALL of them smoked tremendously, is a group I can see going back to. Since it's the only Al-Anon/Alateen combo I've found close to here so far, I will go for sure. We will come home smelling smokey.

DS had a good point: "They smoke? But aren't you all meeting because your lives are uncontrollable...due to someone you love's ADDICTION!?!?!? Cigarettes are like a drug, they're addicting!!" (He's 8!!!) That's my boy. I will have to share this in the next meeting.

Another email from another aunt, offering support. Intended for both of us (H & I) and she asked me to please pass along to H. Obviously I cannot do that but perhaps one day he will be home & I can share w/him.

GOOD DAY today! Thank you guys. You really got me over a hump last night.

Julie, today was a WIN for you. Pat yourself on the back kid, you couldn't have done it better.

Hi Julie-

Narcissist was a guy who was so in love with himself that he drowned gazing at his own reflection in a pond. He just had to get closer to that beautiful person. It was a myth with a moral: don't be stuck on yourself.

Someone who is narcissistic likes to be the center of ALL attention and only cares about how others meet their needs-not the other way around.

Somehow I can't see that applying to you.

Julie, you did good, but PLEASE do not say that at that meeting or I will BOX YOUR EARS! The last thing those ladies need is to be scolded about smoking when their lives are in chaos. There is absolutely NO COMPARISON between a cigarette addiction and an alcohol addiction. I don't know any people who have been arrested for driving while smoking. There is a reason why!

Please explain the DRAMATIC difference between alcohol and smoking to that boy! And don't nag ppl about smoking! Bad girl!

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Actually, that's EXACTLY what I said to them - that if you smoke a cigarette & hop in a car, you won't be impaired to a life threatening degree.

He had a point anyway. He was trying to learn in learn-mode & I thought that was excellent. I do not intend to nag, that wasn't my point. You can't box my ears.

So it's Wednesday again, and the kids started in w/me this morning already.

DS: You might have to drop us off @Dad's tonight if he can't get us.
DD: No, if he can't get us then we just won't go!
Me: What you talkin' bout?
DS/DD: Dad's truck is broke down & he's trying really hard to get it fixed today but he's not sure if he can so he doesn't know if he'll be able to pick us up.
Me: Hmmmm
DD: But if he can't pick us up we just don't see him
Me, to DS: Well you're going to spend the weekend with him...

So, I'm not going to drop them off, right? I really don't feel like I'm going to drop them off. What I feel like is that there's always drama - he can't feed them, he can't get them on time, he can't get them at all...it's not my job to make ANY of this happen, right!?!?

Julie, that is his problem. So unless he asks you do something specific I would just let him handle it.

I should remind the kids of our intermediary. They must be tiring of this too, and it's a lot to ask them to carry.

Julie
Just wanted to post and say its so great to see how you are growing! The process of getting out of the vacuum (gotta hide/keep everything in and together) is a very hard transition and your making all the right moves. I’m giving you a standing ovation right now.
Your building a great support system around you and your children.

Kick around idea--------
If H does not show to pu children have a set (economical) back up plan. What I am suggesting is a set time you will allow H to be late. Xxxx#minutes. If no call from INTERMEDIARY stating H will be late He will be there at XXXX, then I would leave

All cell phones at home and

Go sledding
Go skiing
Go to the mall
Go ice skating
Go visit friends
Go to the Library—Julie may be able to pu the book Co-dependant no more by Melody Beattie for FREE-now thats economical!

Try something new

Julie is not responsible for H,s visitation w/children. She just needs to stick to the agreed pu times/locations and drop off times/locations…… Isn’t that Julies part?

All H’s garbage as to why is his and would be best if intermediary could filter out. If he doesn’t communicate changes through the intermediary as requested then how would Julie know whats going on?

The idea with the above mentioned suggestions is that you and the kids refuse to sit around and wait for him to keep promises. Don’t let him bounce in and mess with your schedules. If He’s going to be late and makes no effort to inform you then that is just plain rude. If you sit and wait then he’s got a small piece of control over you and the children.

IMO-The children are H’s best way to screw with you. If he can’t keep a simple visitation schedule that’s too bad. If you let it screw with you then he has a chance to break PLAN B. Personally I would not sit and wait if he doesn’t keep to agreed times w/o notice. I also would not tell the children before hand that if H doesn't show up we will go ______ do this. I would just make one of the suggestions above when its oobvious that the plan has changed and go do it.

To me this squarely would put the burden of responsibilty on your H to keep his promises. If H doesn't then why should Julie and children remain hostage to his irresponsibilty? The idea here is that H's drinking and choices don't affect any body else. He is not hurting any body else. WE ALL KNOW BETTER-DON'T WE?

AS A PRACTICING ALCOHOLIC I HATED THIS TYPE OF SITUATION WHEN IT HAPPENED BUT WHO COULD I BLAME WHEN IT DID? IT CAUSED SEVERE INNER HATE TOWARDS MYSELF BUT THE OUTWARD SIGNS OF ANGER WERE DIRECTED AT MY W. I n reality she was just living life with the best information she had at the time. If I was too drunk from the night before and couldn't get up early to take her and my son on the trip I promised the week before by God she got in the car and left me at home.

I would bet a weeks pay that if the “MOTHER OF ALL PARTYS” was going to happen with one of his buds he’d find a way to get there and back at the right time and day!!!


Chris


Me 49 –
FWH 1987
A/CD treatment 8/1986
DS 24
DD 14
Married 25 yrs
WW 43
EA/PA –1986/1987 A Ended after 1 ½ yr seperation-NC w/OM for 4 months-Me N/C w/OW for 3 mo after W asked me to give her up
Mutual agreement to get back together
A/CD treatment 1988
EA/PA 2004?—10/2006? Mixed w/alcohol relapse
Treatment 12/06 W-Just wants to leave A in the past-“WE” know what to do
Me-Houston-We have a problem (we need to work on) here

Hey Chris, thanks for popping in. Did you get caught up? Lots of mess-ups on my part & one near-nervous-breakdown. Feeling better though. SO proud of my kids going to that meeting, and SO relieved they'll go back. Imagine their teen years if I can get them a solid foundation/program like this! Good times.

You forgot one suggestion: go riding! (We have a horse)That's what I was planning to do tonight if they go with H, though they'll be glad to join me if he doesn't follow thru. He'll call to let them know he'll be late, but he calls the kids, and then they tell me, and that feels not very DARK so...should I give IM the heads-up now? I feel trapped in a way, because I know as soon as DD gets out of school H will be calling her. I really do need to find a new IM too. I shouldn't even know this stuff about the truck, neither should the kids, but he's using them as the filter and that's not fair.

Julie

HB riding sounds fun even though its -3 here right now.
I live from what I can tell about 300 miles west of you.

Thats is one part of the PB thats defianately weak.

Your children are very involved.

Is there any reason your children have to carry cell phones? I know its convienent..Is it really necessary?

When H calls them it does put them in position of IM. You have to respond to children and then it goes back to H.


Was any of this spelled out in the PBL?

I personally as the adult-would not let H make or change plans without going through the IM. I would nicely through the IM let H know he is free to talk to children all he wants. Changes in PU/DO times need to come through IM and then to you. You will decide what works....and then IM will inform Him. NOT the children....

Don't make this easy for him.


Julies rules need to apply or he'll keep on tryin to leave footprints on you.


Chris

Well, they walk to/from school & DD is "responsible" for getting DS to/from school so we got them a phone so we could make sure they're OK/safe/being responsible. Also it comes in handy for when they're with other relatives/frinds and now, H, so if something goes wrong they can call me if they need to. (In the case of H, if they see alcohol or anything other than a cigarette being smoked, they are to call me)

But yes, it's working in reverse right now. I can't easily CXL their phone and I don't feel right telling them to only answer MY calls, so that's how/why I'm feeling "trapped" right now. Another of our master plans that, as a family, worked famously...and as a SPLIT family, is causing me AND the kids stress/enabling H's manipulation of all 3 of us.

My Opinion

You are the adult
H needs to go through IM about desicions affecting the children PU/Do times.

I would have IM inform H he can talk/communicate all he wants w/children

Any variations need to go through her...............end

Chris

Sometimes this stuff is so difficult for me.

I did send IM an email requesting she make this "reminder".

BTW, it's 11 here. They say we'll see 30s by the weekend!