Your IM is your filter both ways from your H’s crap.
Through your IM I would let H know he is more than welcome to talk to the children all he wants. Decisions need to go through IM back and forth . PERIOD.............

I would, if I had to, ignore any decisions made with the children if they do not come through the IM. That’s just me.

DARK is what its all about. As a BS a long time ago nothing changed until I went dark for 3 months. I would walk my (about 2 ½ yrs old) son up to the door-knock-watch him go in-the whole time I was headed for my car. I would pu at FILs house.
That was the only contact I had. Visitation was set on a regular schedule with me picking up at the FILs so no games were played.
Before that time she would not show or would want me to drive here or there

“JUMP THROUGH HOOPS”

Its to everyones benefit if you can tighten it up.


Chris


Me 49 –
FWH 1987
A/CD treatment 8/1986
DS 24
DD 14
Married 25 yrs
WW 43
EA/PA –1986/1987 A Ended after 1 ½ yr seperation-NC w/OM for 4 months-Me N/C w/OW for 3 mo after W asked me to give her up
Mutual agreement to get back together
A/CD treatment 1988
EA/PA 2004?—10/2006? Mixed w/alcohol relapse
Treatment 12/06 W-Just wants to leave A in the past-“WE” know what to do
Me-Houston-We have a problem (we need to work on) here

Yes, I agree, and thanks again for being there when I needed you. IM said she'd "communicate that to him" but I got a call from DD RIGHT after she got out of school, saying, "Dad's fixing his truck now, so he can't see us till the weekend"

Seems harmless enough & I'm sure he was like, "WHATEVER" at my "reminder" today but UGH, it's not working! Maybe I should explain to DD? This feels like playing the kids as pawns. Me no likey.

The idea is to get H to use the IM and not jerk you around.
H is "using the children". He has all the access he wants as long as he is sober and safe-right? Your not using them as pawns or holding them back from anything.
I would make sure H gets the message that all information goes through the IM.
It may help if you talk to DD also.

Its so very hard with children.

Hopefully Vets will pick up on your posts and new ideas will emerge.

Gotta run

Prayers are with you, your children and your H.

Chris

Yes, I know that's the idea, but...how to enforce? I can't, really. Why is he being such a jerk? He's said he's not mad, he made it clear (as seen in my re-post of his letter to me) that HE chose to leave, I didn't throw him out, so why is he doing this?

Well I tell you, I've forgotten my lil notepad & I'm going nuts not being able to journal as my thoughts get the best of me! Last night DS & I were watching "moment of truth". He was interested since he first saw the commercials.
DS: Dad should go on there
Me: Why?
DS: they could ask him if he ever drank too much beer, and got really angry.

So last night one of the clips they previewed was asking the guy if he thought he'd be married to his wife 5 yrs from now.
DS: Do you think you'll be married to Dad 5 yrs from now?
Me: I really don't know, but I do hope so. What do you think?
DS: I think so, if he stops drinking. But if he doesn't, no.
Me: Yea, I really hope he chooses to stop & get better. Then I can get better, and we can all be healthy & happy. But I don't know if he will.

DS asked me a bit later if I'm ever going to go to Dad's apartment, "just to visit?" I told him that I'm not talking to dad right now, unless he chooses to get better & then we can put our family back together. But right now it's just too painful for me considering the choices dad is making right now. DD went to bed early last night feeling sick so DS & I had time to talk. He's being so mature, he talked to the counselor @school about the separation & said he was glad to have someone to talk to. Also said he was glad to meet kids @Alateen who had the same problems/hurt/anger.

Anyway this morning I decided to look up H's band's Myspace. It was dumb but I guess I was missing him. There's a pic of him from the show on 1/19. He actually didn't look as happy as I remember him looking when I was there & he'd perform. There was a comment from a 22y/o girl who I think I'd met just stating how good he looked. H isn't into Myspace or really online at all, but it was dumb of me to look & find her comment. She's just a 22y/o girl so I needn't worry, I'm just mad at myself. Got a meeting tonight where an AA member is going to speak, then an Alanon member. Looking forward to it.

Sorry for the shortcoming, guys.

OH, and Mel, (where are you, MelodyLane?) there's a new artist whose music my kids are into right now. Her name is "Paramour". Had to share.

You got your own 2 x 4 !!! You don't need anyone elses.
What I think you need is a big ole Al-Anon hug.

Julie - Your just so human.

You are so in tune with you children. That is so awesome!!!

Your dealing as best you can with a man who takes non-sense and trys to sell it to you and the children as sense.

Your dealing as best you can with a man who makes promises to you and your children and doesn't keep them.

You truly are there for your family.


It will get better.
To be honest with you I don't know if I could resist looking at myspace either if I were in your shoes.

Talk to you later

Chris

Julie

Going back tto what we were talking about yesterday-

Is his visitation w/children at a set time and pu /do place.?

Is there some one you know, and the children are comfortable enough with, where he could pu and do at the set times and days? Your Intermediary? Other relatives? Close friends?

The reason I ask is because in general most addicts do not have the empathy to see how there actions affect the people around them. Not that your H was using last night but the WHOLE MINDSET IS JULIE WILL PU THE PIECES LIKE ALWAYS. NO MATTER WHAT I DO.

<<<<<<<JULIE IS NOT H’s DOORMAT UNLESS SHE CHOSES TO BE>>>>>>

In Julies case H does not pu children. Who is left to deal with the mess? H surely isn’t.

Most active addicts could care less is they act like a horses a$$ around or to there immediate family. BUT

When a mutual drop off location is used to pu/do children then they see what an a$$ the person is also. Most do not want anyone outside that “vacuum” you describe (family doesn’t know how much/often/behavior/ when he uses.) to know they are a horses a$$.

Julie
This is a matter of H controlling you:
Can you make any type of plans on the night H is supposed to have children?
Isn’t H assuming Julie will be there to pick up His slack? No matter what?
H probably has no clue of how good, open, and honest you are w/children. I doubt he even has a clue how they feel about all of this.

If any person around me asked me to drive a few miles to pu/do children, I would, to the best of my ability help them out. H has family close by. H has friends. Most people with half a heart would help.

You may want to ask some of the people at your meeting tonight if they have had to deal w/this and how they set it up. Your PBL letter is not written in stone and can be altered to your satisfaction.

Chris


Me 49 –
FWH 1987
A/CD treatment 8/1986
DS 24
DD 14
Married 25 yrs
WW 43
EA/PA –1986/1987 A Ended after 1 ½ yr seperation-NC w/OM for 4 months-Me N/C w/OW for 3 mo after W asked me to give her up
Mutual agreement to get back together
A/CD treatment 1988
EA/PA 2004?—10/2006? Mixed w/alcohol relapse
Treatment 12/06 W-Just wants to leave A in the past-“WE” know what to do
Me-Houston-We have a problem (we need to work on) here

So I've got this dog. I've got 2 actually, and 2 cats in the house. The horse lives about 20 min from here. As I've stated before H says I have an "animal addiction". I don't think it's quite that serious but he's not an animal lover, so I get that he doesn't get it. Anyway, one of my dogs, the Boston Terror-ier, is INTENSE. Very needy, not happy if he's not touching me, fixated on killing my cats, just intense. H HATES the dog. Yes, hates him. For a few months I've been thinking about re-homing him. There's a lady at work who really wants to give it a try & I mentioned it to H a few months back, he said "that's really, totally your decision". I felt guilty so I dropped it.

Anyway, now that it's just the 3 of us & we go to meetings & the farm & we have even LESS time here, I've decided to give it a try - we're doing a "trial adoption" this coming week. I told DD about this.

DD: Yea, when I was talking to Dad last week when I told him I don't support his decision to move out or keep drinking, I told him you were thinking of getting rid of him. He said, "See!? And she wouldn't do that when I was home."

WHAT!?!?!? Seriously!?!?!? First of all he never asked me to get rid of the dog, secondly the dog is HARDLY the root of our problems, and lastly...I DID share with him, when he was home, that I was thinking of finding him a new home. WTH??

Well that's insane but it gave me the opportunity to explain to DD how alcoholics/addicts manipulate and blame-shift. OH, and lie. I didn't bash H to DD at all, I kept re-iterating how sick he is - so sick that he doesn't know/won't admit he's sick!

Anyway, the dog is driving us bananas & hopefully we'll all live happily ever after in our respective homes. Maybe H will come home now. HA!

Nesre, not ignoring your post. Been thinking a lot about it, actually. But I've got a lot more thinking to do before I can come up with the solution. I do need a new IM though.

I wrote you a post earlier today but it didn't go through.

Basically it said you need to be writing these things down. Everytime he uses the kids, everytime he changes the plan.
You may not be able to control him, but be sure to document this in a spiral notebook (not the computer). If you ever have custody or child support issues you will be glad you did! Trust me!!!

OK, I will. And I think for today I'll take the kids' phone so that H can't start "making arrangements" w/them while I'm away.

Just wanted to say you sound more in control of things the last few days. You're making such great strides...be proud of yourself.

Thanks for the vote of confidence. It's hard to see it thru the thick CRAP I'm dealing with! I didn't end up taking their phone, but I did talk to DD about it. I'm helping my daughter learn detachment. Yikes! She said she'll take 1 call from H & then no more, and if he tries to "make plans" w/her she will tell him to contact IM.

I did get an "estimate" from a local music store on lots of the stuff in the basement - will be listing my "Deadbeat Husband/Dad Special" tonight. Pray for me that I don't get any crazies!

OK, well DD forgot the phone AND her keys, which is actually working really well for now. IM sent me email, H's truck still broke down & going to work on it w/a friend tonight, so is it OK if IM picks kids (DS) up & takes him to H's apartment?

I said that would be fine, I'm here till 4, please let me know before then who's picking up where & when.

She responds that H won't know till 6 or 7 if the truck will run, so it is now expected I wait till 6 or 7 to see if somebody is picking up DS!?!?!?!?

Maybe I'm being overly sensitive and/or controlling. Then again, I'm tired of the 'scuses.

What would YOU do? Just say pick him up tomorrow? Tell IM to pick him up at 6? What???

Honestly, EACH time H was supposed to take kids w/the exception of the 1st Wed, I cannot make plans! I was hoping to meet a friend out tonight for her birthday!

Julie
If it was me I would have IM come and get DS if it is OK with him at 6.

I would also expect the IM to update me.
Was son going to stay overnight?
Is there a set time here or is it for the weekend?

Chris

What nesre said....and write it down in the notebook.

Here's how it went:

IM: (H) just called me and wanted me to tell you that his truck is still broken down. He is supposed to be working on it tonight with (a friend), but is not sure if they'll get it running. What he wants to know is if it doesn't get fixed, would it be alright if I picked up the kids and took them to his house?
Me: That would be fine. I'm here till 4:15, so please let me know before then who's picking up where & when. Thanks!
IM: He said he won't know if the truck will be running until 6-7, but I'll email you before you leave if I hear anything else.
Me: Actually, the waiting game is really hard on (DS) and not conducive to my own plans. Let's do this: let's plan to make the exchange tomorrow. I've got a really busy day, so if you don't have anything going on in the morning, I can drop off by you or if you're out you can pick up by me, whichever. This way there is a PLAN.
IM: I do have stuff going on tomorrow from about 10:30-afternoon. I'll just get (DS) tonight right after work. Be about 5:30-ish. I need to be home by 7 so that works fine for me.
Me: You will be at my house 5:30+/- tonight?
IM: Yes. That works better for me. I can't commit to be a transporter tomorrow, too busy.
Me: See you then.

Sorry if it's silly to post, I still have a really hard time knowing if I'm right or being reasonable or not. Hopefully IM (H's sister) is feeling a bit inconvenienced by this. And hopefully somebody plans to feed my boy. Eesh.

That is just fine, Julie. He called your intermediary with the problem and she helped facilitate the exchange. I like the way you creatively found a PLAN. That very muchly appeals to the ACOA in me! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

p.s. that is NOT too silly to post at all! That is the BEST WAY to give us the flavor of the conversation and better help our understanding.