Cool, thanks. Craigslist sale has begun. Heeeeeerrrrre, money - money - moneeeeeyyyy....!!

Way to go Julie!!!!


Chris

Sorry...put this on the wrong thread!

Well, it was nice to have you here LaLa!

Feelin' good - just sold a cymbal. I sold it dirt cheap, $35, almost to rub salt. The guy said, "would you take $30?" I said, "No" $35...

Unfortunately I missed a call from a guy about a set of speakers I've got listed for $400...OH how I do hope he calls back, that's our 2nd mortgage!!

<<Goes back to basement to find more crap to sell>>

This could be addicting!

speakers...hmmm where can I view them? my dad's a speaker/electronices/amplifier, etc. fanatic.

He offered me $200. I said no. He walked. Hope I don't regret that. Hope somebody buys 'em tomorrow.

I'm in WI.

My neighbor, who continues to be wonderful, has offered to be our new intermediary. I worry about her being able to be neutral too...but at least her bias, at this point, is in MY favor. I'll think about it...

Way to go Julie

Hopefully the cash will pour in!!

Neighbor might be a good IM. It does sound from what you have said in the past that she's on board with you.

Just wanted to say HEY!!!

Chris <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" />

Hey Julie! Here's to hopin you get bunches of cashola in your sale!

I just never posted b4 because I really know nothing about what to with an alcoholic...although I have learned a lot from reading your thread. Never really had anything useful to add, I guess. You have had great help and support here, though, as have I. Aren't the peeps here great!

I actually thought I was posting to nesre when I put that up yesterday. I wanted to give her a great big HUG for her support on that other thread. I couldn't find a thread for ya though, nesre...can you start one? BTW- notice...no responses over there...

Sorry for the T/J Julie! How is Plan B going now?

Alright...

So I sold a cymbal for $35 & my fish tank for $150. It's a start. Unfortunately the fish tank was MINE so that didn't feel quite as good but it'll go in the bank just the same.

DS got home via IM @3:00. It was supposed to be 4:00, DS confirmed this w/me via phone this morning, but walked thru the door @3:00. "Dad & (IM) decided I could come home @3:00" Nice.

DS brought home a form from school earlier in the week for baseball...he wants to sign up, and it's $75. I told him we'll see (I DON'T have the money now, plus he's not always as committed to these things as we'd like) He hasn't bugged me, but Thursday night DS said, "I'm going to ask Dad if he'll pay for baseball for me" I told him that's fine. So today he says he'd asked if he'd pay for it, and he said, "He said, 'what, did MOM tell you to ask me?'" DS told him no (I didn't!) but what a jerk!

Then, a little while ago he tells me the Royal Rumble or something like that - a wrestling thing, is on PPV tonight. "Can we order it?" I said no. He won't let it go. Checks the Guide to see how much it is. $40. He thinks this new info will somehow strike an "OH, $40? OK we'll get it!" in me, but it didn't. DS is now crying over this stupid wrestling $40 PPV thing. I asked him how he even knows about this, of course he says, "Dad told me"

So now this a*shat is not only NOT giving me money while I'm scrounging to pay bills, but he's dragging DS into money talks/ideas/MANIPULATION!?!?!?!?!?!

I honestly do not know what love it is that my Plan B is protecting. What scum. It just keeps getting worse. I'm not crying. I'm not sad. I'm disgusted and ashamed FOR this "man" I'm currently legally married to.

Sorry to be Debbie Downer, guys.

Yes, hate is setting in. Got a message from IM (H's sister) giving me a list of H's shows so I can make the weekend visitation schedule, H wants to come get some more stuff from the house once his truck is running, and when I do our taxes he is requesting 40% of the return.

WHY is he still moving stuff out, instead of trying to work his way back IN? Why is that?

And 40%? Pfffft...yea right! I need to get caught up on bills and hire an attorney so that I start seeing some support from this fool.

I don't get it. I just don't get it. I guess this is what he really wants. A-mazing.

Well, I'm going to post this update but I'm not too confident I'll get any advice or feedback. I'm kicking my feet & throwing a tantrum right now as I don't feel my thread gets any attention these days & I DO feel as if H is living a grand single life w/tons of support.

My SIL, my brother's wife, they were separated once, has really got me scared - about the stuff I've sold & hope to continue to sell, about not being able to drop H from my health ins, and about the (crappy) future.

I feel like IM, H's sister, is "on his side" and I don't want her as my IM anymore - I actually want somebody on MY side to be my IM. I want someone on MY SIDE! I'm scared and I'm angry. Scared of the inevitable financial ruin in my future and angry that he's going to get away with it. I'm going to have to give him 40% (or 50%) of our tax return. I can't afford an attorney so I'm just going to file on my own. It's been a month and H NEEDS me right now - his truck is immobile and his finances have got to be all over the place but all he really cares about is the tax return that I'M going to file for and the rest of his stuff.

I know this is a marriage building site & that's why I've been here the times I have. But I've never felt more screwed. I NEVER thought I'd be here 9 years later and it's not fair that I'M the one who's hurting, who's angry, who's explaining my feelings to my kids & telling them we can't afford pay-per-view. I honestly feel duped and like I will NEVER feel safe marrying again. I just hate this. I hate that I hate it.

I haven't sent MIL any reply, and I never found the time to write a letter to stick in my drawer. But it's been on my mind almost daily since she sent the stupid email I posted here. Today she sent me another email, and I still want to tell her to stick it. I'll leave you with it:

"Hi Julie. I hope you're not mad at me for the last email. I still care about you and wonder how you're doing. I'm so sorry that this has all happened. As a mother you know I'd do anything for my kids happiness - and I am very sad for you and the children. Could I make plans to spend some time with them soon? (Her husband) went back to work today."

Julie,

(((((hugs!))))

So sorry you are having such a tough time and not much support.

Just want you to know I am on 'your' side.

I am sorry your H is making alcohol his priority, please try to step back and not react. Do what is healthiest for you and your family.

Bumping up for more replies.

Love in Christ,
Miss M

Says her. Julie, you are not even legally separated. You are SURVIVING however you can. No Judge is going to make you repay anything before there's even anything on file! Pay his insurance? Why? Because he's abandoned his family? I don't think that will happen, if it even got that far. The Judge will see it for what it is.



If you feel that strongly about her then make a change.


Again, who says? The IRS won't care one iota who keeps the money. Only a divorce judge would even give it any consideration. Again... no one has filed. There is no legal separation. What happens to the money depends on who has control of it at the time. He can yell and scream all he wants... who's he gonna tell?


Shows you where his head is at. Living for the moment. Not EVEN thinking about the survival of his family.


(((Julie)))


Ignore it. She is not a friend to your marriage or her grandchildren right now.

Hey Julie

Sorry its been a rough day

Love Busters Page 242

"In most cases the spouse of an addict must seperate entirely, PROVIDING NO CARE AT ALL until the addiction is overcome. Seperating not only protects the spouse of an addict from destructive behavior, but provides the addict with the BEST HOPE FOR RECOVERY. The only one who can overcome an addiction is the addict-the spouse cannot do it for him or her."

At this point Julie write H (emotionally and physically)off and keep on going. Do you have a set amount of time that you will continue this?

If the point here is for H to get help to quit drinking and possible M reconciliation then ----as dumb as it may sound you can -if you chose to help-help him hit bottom and hit hard.

Maybe end up living in his truck?
Maybe not enough money to pay his own electric bill?
Buy food?

Its extremely hard to watch but this is the stuff that it takes for an alcoholic to realize they are at rock bottom.
Hope to be able to post more tommorow.

Can you get to a meeting tonight?? ONLINe??

Prayers for you , your children and H


Chris

Hey Chris,

I don't have any answers. I honestly think the answer is to file for a divorce. Each time I sign my name I cringe. I LOVED H's dad, and it KILLS me, absolutely rips me apart, that if he were alive today he'd (be the only one willing to) grab H by his shoulders and SHAKE him.

That's just the thing - for his whole life, H has had people step out of his way, back up, let him do what he's going to do. I'm the ONLY one who stepped in at times, but I was sick & caught up too, keeping the cycle going. I think this wall we're up against is brick. I think I'm still lying to myself, or something. I don't know that MB is for me.

No, I cannot get to a meeting tonight, but I can log on later to do an online one.

I don't have a set amount of time I'll "do this" and w/o the financial support I'm sure it can't be long. Even if I get a court order. See, H is self employed and I probably don't need to tell you folks that in that situation, you can hide money & make it look like you make next to nothing. = little child support. I know nothing of spousal support. I do know he's supposedly (according to what he told DD/11) signed a 1yr. lease.

I'd LOVE to help/make him hit bottom. How is that possible? Long as Mommy & all his buddies are willing to help & pat him on the back, bottom will only come if he CHOOSES it!

Julie,
I know this seems kind of contrary to MB principles... But maybe you should file for Divorce...

The only reason I say that is because if there's a Leagal Separation Agreement (If that's available in your state)

Putting some pressure on him may make him come to his senses. And then you have some kind of financial support to help you continue plan B.

I.E. If you have a court order that says Husband must...

give you 35% of gross income to help support children...

Pay half of all insurance premiums and half of all medical bills...

Pay all of your leagle expences...

Temporary Spousal support...

Alimony....

ETC ETC ETC...

See what I'm getting at here... Maybe he needs a wake-up-call to see what Divorced Life will be like for him...

This doesn't mean you will have to give up on the marriage... just give him a taste of divorce life for a while...

I wouldn't worry about him "hiding" money... If you have a good lawyer... he'll find it...

JMHO... and tryin to think outside the box

Hi Julie,

I'm sorry you are having a hard time. You've been in the dip of the rollercoaster before and pulled up strong, do it again.

I really avoid telling people what I would do in a given situation because we are all different people with different circumstances but I've traveled part of the road you are on so...

1. File for D because you said there is no LS in WI. This will begin the process, get court orders going for CS and the visitation schedule worked out. KEEP those notes about his constant changing of plans. When it's time to do the visitation schedule ask to really nail it down to specific times and days because he has shown his inability to work things out with you. It could also let him know you mean business and that you are not fooling around with your life anymore. Could scare him into doing something? It does not mean you will get a divorce. It's very simple to stop it if he stops drinking.

2. Do not share information with SIL anymore. This is her brother and I would EXPECT that she will take his side in the end. Get a different IM right away. Do not reply to MIL, it won'thelp anything...it will only stir the pot.

3. Sell what needs to be sold to pay for the care and support of your family. Keep a record of what you sold and for how much. Careful what you say about him in Craig's List so you don't appear to be vengeful. Show that you are selling your things too.

4. Just because his income is sporatic, doesn't mean that the kids need to eat and have basic needs met is sporatic. The court sees this all the time. They will determine what he has to pay. He will find a way to pay it or will be found in contempt. They will withhold his CS from tax refunds, paychecks, etc. If he or his business partner hide income they will be in a world of trouble with the law. Just file and get the ball moving to protect yourself.

5. Get to meetings BEFORE you slide down here again. It's easy to not go when you feel strong, than you get a day like today and it's overwhelming.

We're stil here Julie...

Thanks guys. You are SO RIGHT about the meetings too. EVERY time I go I tell myself this on the way home, but it's just like you said. And today I WAS strong. I did journal at my desk, and reminded myself of how I'd been thinking for months now how immature he is, how I'm started to NOT be attracted to him, how I don't care what he's talking about and I hate his friends.

I'm going to file for D. I'll do it myself and make all the court dates. It will be a headache, but it will save money and prevent me from going further into debt. I do think I should do this AFTER stuff is sold & taxes are filed.

Would you agree?

I'm told once it's on paper is when I need to freeze & not sell anything. Too bad he took the title for the motorcycle, I'd sell that in a heartbeat. It's across the street in the neighbors' garage.

Thanks again. I've got a whopper of a headache - self induced no doubt. I'm so sick of this. I'm sick of being sick of this. I don't care if the marriage is saved anymore. Right now, ut's me who needs saving. And my kids. I'm really starting to feel hate towards him. And I don't like how that feels.

How would you handle the changing of IM? I mean, do I just tell her, and have her tell H? Is this grounds for a new PBL? I can't imagine that's necessary...(?)

just another note...my ex was called in for many show cause hearings for non payment of CS. He gave lots of excuses until finally one day we were standing in the court room and he rambled on and on about how his income had dropped (he was also self employed) and how the CS amount was a hardship, etc...The judge (they used judges back then instead of mediators) asked me if I had anything to say. I said I have our tax returns for the last 5 years showing he is quite capable of earning this income. That just because he was not making the same amount (I also thought he has hiding money) did not mean that my boys didn't have the same basic needs met by their parents. I also said that the electric company and the bank would never accept these excuses...they would just shut me off or foreclose on my home. How can he use these excuses with his children?

The judge reviewed the tax returns, turned to him and said you are a healthy, college educated man ( the pompous idiot showed up dressed in his best suit, trying to impress everyone LOL) and I find no reason that you cannot work at the same level you were working during your marriage. He was given a couple of weeks to pay up or go to jail. Period.

Julie, really, they see this stuff all the time. He may think he can fool you or his family, but he won't fool them one bit. He will have his court orders and will HAVE to comply or pay the legal consequences. He'll catch on pretty quick.

You could say something like, "SIL, I think I have put you in a difficult position asking you to be my IM. I deeply appreciate all that you have done for me and the help you have offered as my IM. I just think I am putting you in a awkward situation with your family and I don't want to cause any harm. Thank you again, I will remember what a kind thing you did but I am asking someone else to do it from now on."