I know you don't have a ton a support from anyone, but isn't there anyone that could watch the kids a couple of nights for an hour...hard with school aged kids I know, but just a thought.

In my circle of friends we trade off for evening activities instead of getting sitters all the time. Would that work?

How's your weekend going Julie? Been thinking about you.

Thanks for thinking of me! Yesterday was a LONG day, kids did the best they could to cooperate & stay out of the way. DD is quite sick, such a trooper. We're all looking forward to laying around the house today.

As for H, I do believe it's safe to say he has not called the kids since Tuesday. Crazy huh?

I changed the title of this thread again. My brother was over w/my nephew to watch the Super Bowl with DS/8. That was really nice, both boys are really into football & it was better than just me & DD/11 as company for him.

My brother & I don't have the greatest relationship but we seem to come together when it seems "necessary", like today when DS would rather be watching the 'Bowl w/H but can't, and my brother's kept in touch w/me about the sitch w/H & also ACOA & addiction.

About 3 years ago, my brother was in a full-blown A where he moved out & got an apartment w/his OW. There is no NC but anyway, he was VERY disappointed in me for selling H's things (I've almost run out of stuff to sell, which was good this afternoon but has me scared now) & changing the locks. I guess he knows from experience you can't legally do this(?) and thinks I'm being vengeful. He also said that for probably our entire marriage I've made more than him, I could end up owing H child support if this goes to court!

I don't know folks, I can't buy back the stuff I've sold. I kept telling my brother I'm not worried about this right now, I've got mortgages to pay & kids to feed, and I'll deal with all this if/when it goes to court...but what if he's right? I stand to lose a LOT here, and it won't happen tomorrow, but it scares me anyway. Honestly what I've sold is stuff H had talked about selling anyway...I don't know. OH, my brother also brought up the fact that people are advising me, based on their own experiences, but that these people don't know H. My SIL (brother's wife) said the same thing. I don't get their point - they're right, y'all don't know H, you've only heard "my version", but I don't know how they think that matters?

So, I'm worried. I can't UN-do what I've done by changing the locks or selling what I've sold.

Julie, your brother is wrong. You have done nothing wrong. If you H was doing what he was supposed to be doing, you wouldn't have to resort to selling what you can to survive. As far as you being ordered to pay child support... ain't gonna happen. That assumes that your H will be awarded primary custody... ain't gonna happen. He can't even be bothered to contact his children on a regular basis now. He is NOT supporting them financially, emotionally, spiritually or in any other way. There's NO WAY a court would give him custody. Don't worry about what you've done. You've only tried to provide for your children the best you can. As far as changing the locks... the only thing that might happen with this is that a Judge orders you to give him a key. I don't see that happening either. Stay strong. You're doing the right thing.

Thanks. I understand he's been thru this & when he had an apartment w/OW, he & OW consistently entered his marital home while SIL was out. I guess the police told SIL that my brother had the right to do this.

And duh, I was so wrapped up in being scared that I didn't even consider, 50/50 split is FAR from what we've got right now! He did say, "well if he's ordered to pay child support, it'll only be 17% of what he makes on paper, which has always beeen minimal on paper" Mmm hmm, so true. So I could be better off trying to enforce H's promise of "50% of my checks when I get on my feet" on my own than a court-ordered 17% of $10K!

Well anyway, this is only IF it comes to that. We shall see. Thanks for your support PM. I guess H did call today, talked to DD I guess. I didn't ask for details & she didn't offer any. He didn't have his tax paperwork ready when SIL/H's sister/IM went to pick it up from him Friday, so I don't know if he's intentionally stalling or what. Whatever.

What exactly doyou mean by "on paper" about income?

Julie, it doesn't matter what you made in the past... It's what you make when the divorce is finalized....

Example: A month before the final hearing for my first divorce my ex wife was making $8 or $9 and hour... on the final hearing day she was miraculously un-employed… they based her child support on how much??? That’s right minimum wage…. 5.15 an hr… she was ordered to pay $190.00 a month in child support for three kids… I got custody of the two we had together and her son from a previous… I didn’t care about the money as long as she was an active parent… she couldn’t even do that… she lived less than 2 miles from her kids and wouldn’t pick them up when she was supposed to … at one point she went over 14 months without seeing them…

Thanks for talking me off the ledge after my brother got a hold of me. I've got a new dilemma I haven't touched on yet. It's my (lack of) proper parenting. I find myself losing my temper, especially with my son. In reality, I wish H could see the damage that's being done - my son is a completely different kid since H left. And I'm not dealing well, because he's acted out at school & he CONSTANTLY argues with me. I think what I'm starting to see is him blaming me (though he has not voiced anything) for Dad being gone. Because Dad is nothing more than a novelty, when he comes around. It's not fair to me & my efforts, and it's also not fair to DS that I get angry as quickly as I do.

I know DS is hurting & not even really in touch with what he's feeling, hence my efforts to keep friends around for him & Alateen & getting people to come over for the Super Bowl. But it's not enough! I'm lost.

How did YOU cope when your spouse was out of the house, and the child/children had a really hard time with it? How do YOU control your temper?

Julie YOU are the only one that can control your anger. Your little guy is very young and he can't process or express his feelings with words very well yet. So, he uses what de can...actions. His acting out is just him trying to manage his feelings, inappropriately, yes, but that's all he's doing. He is probably scared, mad, confused, etc and this is how he getting that out. He is not doing it TO you.

If you see the acting out for what is really is it should help you not get so angry.

But, and you know this is coming, you HAVE to control your own responses to his pain. Yelling at him will make things worse. When he is acting out try asking him , "tell me what you are feeling right now". Or, "Use words about how your feel right now". Things like that. When my kids have a fit over something I just say , "use words" and they usually stop with the actions and start saying something. The we can talk about whatever the problem is.

That is not to say that he should allowed to act out at school and home. My point is to help you not to express your frustration with this situation with anger fowards him.

When we are yelling at our kids they KNOW that we do not have control over the situation. You lose a bit of your parenting power and respect. They NEED to see that you are in control. Not easy all the time, but important.

I hope this is not to jumbled.

I don't think I've posted to you before, Julie, but your post about your son acting up struck home for me.

When my FWH left the home, my son was three, and he acted out BIG TIME. HE shifted from being this really well behaved, obedient kid, full of laughter, to a young boy in turmoil, with major AO's at daycare, and physical violence against other children. THis lasted for some time, then it turned to sadness, and my DS telling me how much he missed his daddy.

My son would easily sway from one emotion to the next. IT was so tough to watch and work thru with him.

You can get help from the school system; they may have recommendations for counselors outside of school, or groups that could be helpful.

As for me, during all of this, I was very angry, and it was always bubbling at the surface, so I had some blow outs with my son. It really took me focusing on his pain and reminding myself of that, and to not ADD to his pain, to find ways to talk to him. Sometimes, I would just hold him, hug him, or touch him, to let him know I'm there. I also learned to listen to him, and validate his feelings.

None of this is easy, but it's especially hard on the children.

(((Julie)))

Julie




Keep on doin what your doin. Its healthy for DS to have a lot of friends around but also he needs to mind or earn some of these special favors too.

It may be worth a try to have a short sit down at a certain time each day or a couple of times a week where it is just you two. No distractions. Maybe ask DS to write down some of whats going on during the inbetween times with him and let him know you are open to discuss anything he wants to bring up.
He probably has questions –fears –frustrations-that he could vent. It may be tough to listen to but it may help him from acting out in school. If he feels safe it could be a real time of understanding for him and also you. This may also help him to see clearer exactly whats going on.

WE as adults see it quite often on these boards don't we???

When my W and I were separated in early 2005 at one point my W went dark for 10 days. No phone calls, no pu for visitation no nothing. My DD left phone messages, and texts for W over and over and over. It was only by allowing her to vent safely that she made it through. Even though it was venting I did not allow her to take it out on me but to let her bring it out –then try to move on. She was extremely angry. So was I.
I think the lesson taught her just how helpless we are over the actions/decisions of others.
Its Ok to be angry-get it out-then move on.


As for me I wrote a lot of poison letters that were ripped up or burned. At times I still do.
.


Rocky


Me 49 –
WH 1987
A/CD treatment 8/1986
DS 24
DD 14
Married 25 yrs
WW 43
EA/PA –1986/1987 A Ended after 1 ½ yr seperation-NC w/OM for 4 months-Me N/C w/OW for 3 mo after W asked me to give her up
Mutual agreement to get back together
A/CD treatment 1988
EA/PA 2004?—10/2006? Mixed w/alcohol relapse
Treatment 12/06 W-Just wants to leave A in the past-“WE” know what to do
Me-Houston-We have a problem (we need to work on) here

Gotcha, thanks again. Yes, I need to control my anger, and I am ashamed to say I don't as often as I'd like. Yet I don't bad-mouth H, which makes me more angry actually, like I'm (still) protecting him! All while my relationship w/my kids is suffering! But that's my fault.

I did have DS write out his feelings, and to only bring them to me once he wasn't angry anymore. By the time he brought me the pad of paper he was cooled off & so was I, making me more receptive to seeing what he wrote about me.

Deep breath. This will likely get worse before it gets better.

There is no easy answer to this dilemma

boys especially will feel the loss of a Dad - and will be especially likely to express their feelings non verbally

If son is agreeable, enroll him in martial arts - or boxing - or something else physical as hayul

do you have a male role model available? grand pa? uncle?

call your local police department and ask what sort of youth programs they recommend for boys your son's age

there might be a fire department youth program - ask

if you are near a zoo - inquire about youth volunteers

keep him busy

We would get a better "version" of the truth from a practicing alcoholic? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" /> ummmmmmm I think thats a little silly and reflects a general ignorance about the veracity of alcoholics who are notorious liars and blameshifters. I have no reason to believe your "version" was not the TRUTH and that is what matters.


You did nothing wrong, Julie, so there is nothing to undo. It is not illegal to change the locks on your own damn house. good grief. When was the last time you heard of someone going to prison for changing their locks?? Don't you have enough REAL PROBLEMS to worry about instead of worrying about problems you DON'T HAVE? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Aw shucks, Mel, I've missed you! Thank you, really.

And Pep, thanks for the tip about the Police or Fire Dept, I'll get on that tomorrow morning! Too bad I didn't know about this yesterday, one of the guys who bought some of H's stuff is a fire fighter!!

OH, and no, no real good role models...Grandpa (my dad) is an alcoholic and just a jerk in general, the kids don't like to spend too much time w/him, and my brother is good (long as he doesn't talk to ME!) but he lives an hour away. So, I like the Police/Fire Dept angle. And karate too.

Got an email from SIL/H's sister/current but soon to be fired IM. For now I will ignore, but please let me know what you think.

Body of email reads:

day to you. (H) requested that I type this up and have you sign it, assuming you agree with the "terms". If you can sign it and fax or email it back to me, that would be super easy. If you have issues with any of it, obviously you can let me know and I'll forward that along to him. After you've signed, he will sign and return one copy to you with the rest of his tax forms (apparently he's still waiting on one piece).

Holla back!

Attachment that SIL/H's sister/current IM typed:

February 4, 2008

RE: 2007 Joint Tax Return for
Mr. (H) & Mrs. (Me)

Mr. (H) is requesting the following:

&#61692; 35% of the total 2007 tax return
&#61692; Copies of all completed and signed tax return documents

It is the assumption of Mr. (H) that Mrs. (me) will be preparing and filing the 2007 tax return online, using her home computer, and will request automatic deposit into her personal checking account; to which Mr. (H) no longer has access to. Once the money is in Mrs. (Me) personal account, Mr. (H) is requesting that his share be delivered to him through the designated intermediary (Ms. SIL) via personal check or money order in a timely manner.

Both parties agree to the above mentioned requests, and have signed below.

Obviously she's not neutral if she's typing up documents for him! Hard to say whose idea this was but that's irrelevant. Anyway...now what??

No response is necessary. Unless you say "35% less child support and 50% pmt of necessities for joint financial obligations should be fine."

Julie
For some reason I am getting an extreme bad vibe from this.

All my senses tell me JULIE'S gonna draw a short stick from this deal.

I'm still thinking -try to get back to ya later.

Rocky

Before I saw this (she sent it to me @work) I sent her an email this morning (from home) that said:

1. Will kids be picked up/dropped off tomorrow per our visitation schedule (he's been quite flaky w/this lately)
2. When can I expect to see financial contribution?

She responded that she'll get w/him & let me know. Didn't ask me anything about her email/"requests".

REALLY feeling like I need that attorney right now! And still going to have SIL/my bro's wife/does our taxes check into how bad off I'll be if I just do my taxes separate from H. I don't like the direction this is heading. I'm not signing anything. Ridiculous.