It is too much WORK to type that &! I think I will call ya COMMIE. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

[color:"red"] COMMIE???[/color]

Lorda Mercy.....

First youse call me a Yankee...

and now a COMMIE...


<THUD>

C&L

Ha ha, good points Mel & Commie. Actually, last I knew he was in the house, before PBL, I DID notice some stuff missing from the pantry, and we suddenly had less TP too! Pssshhht!

I'll see if I can get a list of what he's after. But the things I know of so far are BIG & he'd likely be bringing a friend to move them - a loveseat in the basement that he wants to "swap for a big chair he's got" I'm not interested in a chair & have been thinking of tellling kids/seeing if they'll talk to him about the loveseat, as we've turned his former basement domain into a rec room for them & they're using the loveseat, and won't benefit from some stupid chair. The "trying to get a couple bucks" comes to mind on this one.

Next is his snake, which is housed in a VERY HEAVY 125gal aquarium w/VERY HEAVY stand. I don't think he's planning on selling snakey (but ya never know) but again, the kids have voiced an interest in keeping him for themselves. I hate to put the kids in the middle or use them to talk to him, but I do believe it directly affects them so they may want a chance to tell H they want this stuff to stay. And since he hasn't already taken it, I wonder if it's just an excuse to get in.

Needless to say, it's not stuff I'm putting on the curb as it's physically impossible for me. He told the kids last night he's going to take the snake & "my speakers & my amps & cymbals too" I asked if they told him it'd all been sold and they said they didn't say anything, "just looked at each other funny, like, 'uh oh'" I told them "it's not uh oh, I needed money because we have to pay bills"

So I think I'll just continue to ignore the requests about stuff. I'll have the kids tell him they want the loveseat & snake to stay. And maybe at some point, WAY down the road, I'll have IM tell him I've sold his crap.

Julie, our friend, COMMIE, does have some good points at times!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> Commie, get ya [censored] up offa the floor, girlfriend, it is unseemly! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

Julie, our friend, COMMIE, does have some good points at times!!


Just call me cynical. lol

The bad things that they can do is always at the front of my mind.

C&L

Hey guys (gals), would you mind showing RIM a little love on her thread? She's a MB flight risk right now & while I understand why, and I resepect whatever decision she makes, I think she could really learn some things here. Can you hop over there? It's about mid-page.

Hey Julie

Thanks for trying to help.

Its hard to read and really brings out the feelings of how helpless we are. Was I too hard on her?

Saw your posts y-day and agree w/ML and Commie.

I guess I would try to hold H off from getting into the house as long as I could.

Hope you have a great weekend.

Stay warm

You, your children and your H are in my prayers

Rocky

Hey Rambo (isn't it time for a name change?),

Nah, you weren't too hard. Well actually, we both WERE too hard on her. As much as I want to reach thru the monitor & grab someone by the shoulders and/or hug them, I have to remember we cannot control another human being. Not even one who is in the very shoes we once were and all we want to do is help them see. It's weird, really, because I've only had this new-found clarity for 2 months now, and I still revert to my denial-days. So, in time, and hopefully she will find support...somewhere.

Again, I sure do appreciate the prayers. They're working! I had a FANTASTIC day today - it was one of those days where all your hard work & beating your head against a wall & feeling like you're spinning your wheels comes together. Got a BIG PO (I'm in Sales) from a client I've been shmoozing since Nov. Signed the boy up for Soccer, (he chose soccer over the $75 baseball he's been trying to talk H into paying for. What'd soccer cost me? $9!!!!)

Sa-WEET!!!

I'm just feeling peace today. Don't know what tomorrow will bring but I'm truly loving life today. OOOOooh, actually I do know what tomorrow will bring - horsey time! My mom's taking the kids for the afternoon so it's just me & the best horse EV-AH! Can't wait.

Have a great weekend everybody!

Hey everyone, hope you all had a great weekend. Ours started out great - I landed a big account Friday, then yesterday the kids hung out w/my mom - did her laundry for her to earn a few bucks - meanwhile I played horsey & came home and FIXED the shower curtain dealie, ALL BY MYSELF! VERY liberating! Today it was so cold we pretty much stuck to the house.

Tonight at dinner, for whatever reason, DD/11 brought up "Dad". I guess last Wednesday he started off their visit with, "I know you guys don't want to do this, but we have to talk..." He said I've lied to his family (his mama must have told him (HER OPINION) about the email I sent, it's posted in this thread somewhere), "slandering" him, that I don't love him anymore, that he lives in a jail cell (aw, this made me cry), that my Al-Anon & their Alateen ppl are telling us he's an alcoholic, that he doesn't get enough time with them, blah - blah - blah.

Basically they wanted to bounce this stuff off me because they're afraid to defend me or themselves to H. Now, so far our "rule" is we don't talk about H, and they're not to talk to H about me. But, I guess he keeps bringing me up. I told them I understand he's angry/hurt/scared, and that I love him so much, I want him back here, healthy. They know, but I reassured every chance I got. We've been SO STRONG for this whole week, we all bawled tonight. Sometimes that's therapeutic.

So, I told them they can talk to me about this stuff if they want to, but that I won't be coming to them with questions about Dad or initiating it. Is that OK?

DD said that H asked her, "did she tell you about Grandpa?" (My dad) and DD said to him, "No, but that's Grandma's problem" (LOL) H told her I'm doing this because of my childhood w/my dad. I said to my kids, "that's partly true, and another reason why YOUR childhood won't have this disease in it anymore!"

I wish they felt comfortable talking with him. So far, all they can do is nod their heads as he carries on about how evil I am and how "she hasn't told you the WHOLE truth" True, I didn't tell them he's a pot-head too! (Should I?)

DD/11 said, "I want to ask him what's more important - his friends or his family? But I can't ask because I'm afraid of the answer" (LOTS of crying on that one) I told her she deserves to know the answer, and I think it's a great question - when she's ready.

Lastly, he asked DD the address of the Al-Anon meeting, because he'd like to go to one. I told her THAT'S GREAT! She's planning to give him the list of meetings she got w/her beginners packet. It only occurred to me just now that he could be planning on crashing MY meeting, to make a scene...hmmm...originally I thought maybe he was thinking of going for himself.

Well anyway, that's how our night went. Did I handle it OK? I re-iterated several times he's sick, and it's normal for him to deny or blame-shift. I also showed them the email I sent to the family, and I showed them the responses except for MIL's. So now they know "the WHOLE truth" (except that he's a (former??) pothead) I didn't bad-mouth, but I sure didn't excuse or OK his actions or words about me. He told them it's OK he ripped the railing out of the wall (drunk, last year, as part of the post-birthday-party fiasco) because he was going to replace it anyway. And it's OK he kicked the mailbox, because it was going to be him to fix it anyway. DD said, "but normal families don't have their mailbox on their porch!"

I know, I'm ALL wrapped up in the drama right now. But my kids have been marinading in it for a week, so I'll take it. I don't know how to best help them. DD did say, "I can't wait to go to my Alateen meeting Tuesday"

What about filing for D - I was planning to do so this week, on my own, to at least get something filed in an attempt to #1 Slap H w/a bit of reality & #2 Get CS ordered. I feel like I should tell the kids what I'm doing so they don't hear it from H. But it's going to scare them, rightfully so, and I'm not sure how much I should tell them. That I hope it doesn't come to that? That I'm jsut doing it to get CS? Don't tell them anything? BIG deal on this one.

My poor children. They are trying so hard.

One more thing. On Wednesday, when DD came back to get snowpants, the key came up:

DD: Well if mom's not home I won't be able to get in, because I don't have my key.
H: I still have a key. She doesn't know that, but she doesn't need to know.
DD: She changed the locks.
H: Great, I thought we could handle this as adults, but I guess I'm going to have to get a lawyer to get my stuff out.


BWAAAAAAAAAHAHHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!

Lawyers are 'spensive, he's SO very obviously trying to play my kids! What gives!?!?

You handled it perfectly! Shame on your H for sliming you to those kids! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" />

And he keeps doing it, I guess. Mel, what should I tell them to help them deal with this? I'm going to have them ask for a phone list @their next meeting. Or just see if someone from my group is willing to take on a kid call?

What about the D filing? What do you think?

OH I want to call him so badly. I know better, because he'll just make me feel like crap, but I just want to run to him, bring him home, rescue him from the apartment and the feelings of loneliness that go along with it. Poor rockstar has no beer money & no "shows" lined up this month (20-something girls falling at feet, free beer, adrenaline high from performing)

I think you deal with it the same way you dealt with it today. Encourage them to ask you questions and tell them there will be no secrets.

I think you should file for D YESTERDAY!

Will you settle for tomorrow?

Julie - You are doing so well. Don't call him!!!! If you get desperate, use your energy to go clean the toilets. At least that will be productive and make you feel better.

He is just beginning to feel the consequences of his choices, let him experience them.

I know it, Believer, about the beginnings of consequences - after I posted about calling him I thought what I SHOULD do is go even DARKER if at all possible! The bottom MIGHT be rising, here!

And thanks for stopping in, I appreciate it!

OH - got my new IM. Good to go. Suggestions, anyone, on how to make the transition smooth on H's end? I've got a nice little "you're fired" email a couple pages back for SIL/H's sister/current IM, but I don't know how to handle letting H know there's a new Sheriff in town. I DO know there's no new PBL letter though. So...what to do? Have SIL/H's sister/current IM tell him the gig is up??

Julie

I went back through and read your old posts over the w-e.

You are doing so gr8 with all of this.

Glad you got some horsey time in!!! -45 wind chill at my house Sat and Sun-didn’t venture out too far.

Children-Good you can talk. I would keep it all open to answer questions they have but wouldn’t volunteer info on POT unless they specifically ask. I wouldn’t lie about it if they ask,.
What possible good would it do to volunteer the info? JMO

I’m with MelodyLane-Its almost noon Monday-DO you have the papers filed yet????
Remember –you can stop the ball from rolling at any time.

We all know you miss H but now, as the situation is, is the time to keep dark and pour on the consequences of H’s poor decisions.

ONLY with strong consequences will your message have a chance to get through to him.

Your PBL-Does it specifically tell H what he has to do to help resolve this situation???
(90 in 90 plus medallion/completion of a treatment program?)
JMO-Do not even consider any type of reconciliation until H meets at least one of these.


I hope H didn’t want to go to your meeting or the childrens?
Is there a meeting for H at the same time and location? If there is he may make an “”attempt””?!!? to show you hes willing to do something. NOT SURE????

That why I asked about clear stated PBL.

IMO if the PBL isn’t clear then I would write a new one with your clear stated boundaries (no alcohol-list of how to help resolve the situation) and the new IM situation.

Rocky (Rambo)


Me 49 –
WH 1987
A/CD treatment 8/1986
DS 24
DD 14
Married 25 yrs
WW 43
EA/PA –1986/1987 A Ended after 1 ½ yr seperation-NC w/OM for 4 months-Me N/C w/OW for 3 mo after W asked me to give her up
Mutual agreement to get back together
A/CD treatment 1988
EA/PA 2004?—10/2006? Mixed w/alcohol relapse
Treatment 12/06 W-Just wants to leave A in the past-“WE” know what to do
Me-Houston-We have a problem (we need to work on) here

Hey Nes,

Thanks for the post. I don't know...I think a second PBL at this point would just be "contact" coming from me & I don't want that. I got a bit of proof yesterday, from my kids, that my being totally dark for the past month is starting to have an effect so I don't want to break that.

I got the forms online & everything, have been reading up, and you'll all hate & desert me for this, but I don't know that I can file D. I'm back to LSA. My kids will be devastated if I file D, and it'll be hypocritical.

I felt very empowered today. Very much "OK" and at peace. I don't quite get it!

I'm not going to call H. I won't write a new note. I won't even check up on him and I certainly won't "bend" on my plan. But I'm very worried about him. He didn't call the kids tonight - and instead of my thoughts being he must be drinking or with an OW as in the past, tonight I worried about him. He's always been able to fill many roles but shame is not something he wears well. I'm worried about his emotional state and I don't want to do anything that will "push" him in any direction. I'm not calling anything off, I just feel very concerned for him.

Hi Julie,

I agree with you about no new PBL as long as the original one spelled it all out. I think you are seeing him feel Plan B and anything that is even PERCEIVED as backing down would be a really bad idea.

As for LSA/D...is WI a LSA state? Either way, do one or the other. This is about protection. He is not supporting the children. I suspect it is fear that is keeping you from this. You need to move past that.

As for feeling sorry for him...careful, your enabler is showing! Your are feeling the plan B too. That is where your empowerment is coming from. Dont' stop NOW!!!

Hey Julie




Nobody here is going to hate you!!!!!!!

All we would like to see is for your H to support the children.
There are very strong feelings about this on this board.

See shockedandsad's thread and see if you don't agree.

All we want to see is the process started.

LSA OR D-doesn't matter as long as the c/support and legal process gets started.

<<<<<REMEMBER-YOU CAN STOP IT AT ANY TIME YOU WANT>>>>>>

TWO REASONS
1.So H will know there is a financial obligation-regardless of his relationship w/you or children or his financial status.

2. Show your H how serious you are about this boundery.

He is probably feeling the effects of the PLB.
Please don't backslide now.

Sometimes personal pain concerning our choices is the only teacher we can rely on to help get our point across.

Either way is fine (LSA/D) as long as the ball gets rolling.

Please give the ball a hard push Julie


Rocky