I live in a "no fault" state.

With D, there's a 120-day waiting period to get divorced. No reasons have to be given & only 1 of us needs to testify under oath the belief the marriage is irretrievably broken/no chance for reconciliation.

With LSA, same 120-day wait, can be converted to D any time if both spouses agree. If both don't agree, 1 of us can convert to D by filing legal motion 1 year from the date LSA was granted. ***Spouses do have to give a reason why they are requesting LSA & not D. Both spouses have to give testimony under oath that the marital relationship is broken.***

I like the description of LSA better, unless I want to go D for some reason, in which case I'm "trapped" and would feel more comfortable w/D. Ugh, I don't know...

Mediation is only mentioned in the case of a dispute regarding physical placement of minor child(ren).

I can request maintenance (alimony) or "family support" which is a combination of maintenance & CS.

$185 filing fee - what a bargain! Gulp!

Went to our meetings. The kids got a phone list. They did a LOT of sharing tonight. They're feeling a lot better about themselves & their situation knowing other kids have the same hurts & angers - they learned this by sharing their own hurts, etc. DD isn't sure if she wants to go w/H tomorrow night. They borrowed me a book, Al-Anon's 12 Steps & 12 Traditions. Good stuff.

Julie

That is a big gulp to take.
I think it may help for me to share a little bit with you. I am not sure that this is MB’s but here goes.
My situation is a little different b/c there is no doubt my W is Alcoholic.
In the fall of 06 after 5months of sobriety my W started to drink again. (7 yrs of relapses/brief scattered sobriety throughout). The only reason I stayed at all is b/c she went to AA on a fairly regular basis. (I know it sounds crazy) <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" />
We had been round and round so many times I was dizzy.
I put my feet out. Boundery-Complete a treatment program and abstain or 1-2 3 below.
4 failed or not completed treatment programs over the 7 yrs before.
I did not tell her my time frame (Jan 07)
If she didn’t schedule or quit-AND I TOLD HER THIS-

1.We would separate-even if it meant me living downstairs in our home-I was not going to leave. It would be better if she would leave. (We were separated from nov04-april05)
2. I would file for LSA or D. My L advised against LSA b/c of cost but said he would do whatever I wanted. I don’t know if our timeframes are the same as in your state.
3. I would push to liquidate everything (start totally over ). I can not afford everything we have alone on my income.

She lied about setting up a time two separate times but eventually made her admittance to in patient treatment in mid December. She scheduled it all with the treatment center and time off work.

I did not have to go farther at that time. I think she believed my “bite” would be as bad as my “bark” at that point and that’s why she chose treatment. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />
<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/shocked.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/shocked.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/shocked.gif" alt="" />
As long as she finally believed I would carry out the “bite” that’s all that mattered.
Its not cruel or heartless. It was the real beginning of protecting myself and my DD from an alcoholic. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

I know I was ready to walk through the fears I had. (DD then 13/financial/failure at my M/physically relocating)
I would still carry this out today if she returned to drinking.

NO PLAN A-Go Directly to separation –go to LSA/D

At the point your at now I see your bark-(PLB) out there. All any of us want to see is that you show H that your bite (filing for LSA/D) matches it.

Not a 2x4-You have to know when its right for Julie.
We on the other end of the screen don’t have to live with the choice you make.

Great to see your children have a place to share so that they are not all alone in this.

Great book they borrowed you.

The steps-when worked can lead you to a place of serenity and peace with yourself.

Serenity is not abscence of the storm-It peace within the storm. If you keep working with your group you will feel and experience that in the near future. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

Sounds like you have a good support group.

The steps are the reason I pray for you your children and even your H today.



Rocky

Me 49 –
1-NS-? Stray dog 1985-1986
WW 1987
A/CD treatment 8/1986
DS 24
DD 14
Married 25 yrs
WW 43
EA/PA –1986/1987 A Ended after 1 ½ yr seperation-NC w/OM for 4 months-Me N/C w/OW for 3 mo after W asked me to give her up
Mutual agreement to get back together
A/CD treatment 1988
EA/PA 2004?—10/2006? Mixed w/alcohol relapse
Treatment 12/06 W-Just wants to leave A in the past-“WE” know what to do
Me-Houston-We have a problem (we need to work on) here

Hi Julie,

I got your email. One of the books has arrived. When I get the other one I will send them both to you. They are really great books. Just little daily readers but they can be so helpful. About one more week or so and things will be back to normal here and I will be able to post more.

LSA or D? Your decision but this is the only way to give yourself and your kids any kind of protection. I know you are scared and it's a big step but you can stop it anytime.

He has still paid ZERO for the support of his kids, right? In fact, if I remember correctly, he actually took money from the account before it was closed. If you don't protect yourself, no one else can.

How is the tax filing situation? Any news there?
Sorry I can't be on here more right now, but that will end soon.

Still with you...

Hey SOT, that's right - no money except for the $350 early Jan that did nothing compared to the $600+ he racked up.

Tax filing situation is also going nowhere, because I'm not signing anything & SIL (my bro's wife) & I need to get in sync so we can run some hypotheticals to see what it looks like if I don't include H.

Everything is so time consuming. Not a good excuse, I know, but the truth. I'm really in no rush to do either at this point. Did talk with DD/11's other grandma last night (DD/11's bio dad's mom) & she offered to help me get paperwork together for the filing, even help w/filing fee if necessary, and pointed out a good fact I hadn't thought of: I can file on my own for now, to get things moving, and then if I need an attorney later, take that on...later. Again, hopefully it won't go that far.

Thanks for checking on me. I'm OK...really, feeling quite good about the state of things right now. Need a little more fire under me but it's coming.

Thats all we have been saying Julie. One foot in front of the other...........

Same steps I would have taken.

Hope you have a good day.

Rocky

Really? It's been said to me that I can start on my own & then get an attorney later? I guess that goes to show you don't "hear" things until you're ready. I'm not being obnoxious, and I know it seems common sense, but it really was news to me last night.

Got a good talkin' to this morning from the Boss Lady. I came in late as I do sometimes - I always call & I always make up the time but again, I didn't really realize that's not OK - it's common sense for some, but wasn't for me. I was a bit defenseive at first but later thanked her for helping me to see my arrogance, and apologized for my arrogance, as that was never my intention. When I returned to my desk I started "Step 4" which I'd struggled with previously. I finally was able to make a searching & fearless moral inventory! It was actually a bit liberating to write it all out as I hadn't been able to thus far, and at the end of each I had a little excerpt of "all I need to do..." in order to change each.

I'm really starting to feel the Al-Anon stuff "working". And that's related to me being more ready to accept it and apply it.

Wow, Julie, I hope you see how much you have grown in such a short time. I am SO impressed! Give yourself a huge pat on the back. Honestly, HUGE steps forward here with your boss and STEP 4!!! AWESOME!

Isn't alanon something? When you think about the meetings it's hard to understand how it all works. On the one hand people just go around the table and share. It doesn't look like much is happening on the surface. But it is! And I am so happy for you that you are doing the WORK. And that "fearless inventory" is a huge step. The first attemps my A made at AA were just showing up and saying, "See, I went." But until he finally did the work nothing changed.

I personally think you are showing such strength and courage.

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Hey, thanks SOT. Still waiting on that invoice...!

Yea, something clicked today. Now, I'm still afraid of filing for divorce or LSA or whatever, but something still clicked. Imagine the devastation if she'd just fired me. Ugh, I cannot fathom. And at one point, when I got defensive, she got a bit ticked @me, so I thank God (yes, God! He's always been around, but seriously NEVER like THIS before...SO WEIRD and GREAT!) we have a solution instead of an Unemployment claim! And now, THIS is my life. That's finally a GOOD statement!!

Thanks again. Couldn't have done it w/o my MB Valentines!!!

You are doing very well, Julie. Hang in there.

I did a 12-Step program twice before it really sunk in with me. It really is life changing.

Julie,

The other book STILL has not arrived. ugh! If it comes tomorrow i will be able to send them to you. If not, It will be a week before i can.

I would not accept any payment from you, but thank you for the offer. Consider it a gift. LOTS of people helped me when I was in crisis and it's my turn to help someone else.

I guess if you REALLY REALLY want to pay...consider your work on yourself as payment in full.

Just keep going to the meetings!!!

Hey guys!

OK, this is a very important post. I'm about to leave to take DS to soccer (pray for me H does NOT show up!) so I'll be back to this a bit later tonight.

QUESTION:
A piece of mail came for H today. It's a credit card offer for Best Buy. Should I toss it? I have been getting his mail to him, what little still comes here, via IM but I think if he gets this in his hands he'll apply & rack up debt. I can't be sure he hasn't already. So I think I should discard it. But I cannot control another human being. What would you do?

THE PEBBLE:
My mom is getting me $300 this weekend. I don't know why, she called me this morning & said, "hey Julie, I'm bringing you $300" This will not cover my already-30-days-late mortgage, so here's your time to hold me to the fire - I'm putting it out there - I should take this money & file for D or LSA or whatever. There, now you know, now I have no excuses. Unless y'all say it should go to something else.

I sure hope some of you have some feedback for me. Had a GREAT day today, I hope you all are too.

SOT, are you leaving me? For a week? OK, well have fun & be safe & come back soon!!

~Julie

Huh, nothin'! Well, here's more:

I HATE that man.

My son just left, crying, to spend the weekend with his dad. Because of his GREAT behavior & grades in school, he won a gift certificate to a FREE night of bowling. FREE game, FREE shoe rental. He said he wanted to go w/Dad. At first I was a little hurt, but quickly got over it & really cheered him on to go w/dad. He asked him tonight, & H cut him off to say he doesn't have the money. DS TRIED to explain, but he would hear none of it. Then he called back to say he was outside, & DS said again, "Dad, it's FREE!" and he said some crap about he's hungry & he worked all day so no. My poor boy was BAWLING - ALL he's been talking about all week is bowling w/his dad & I backed him up, and now he's angry. He still wanted to go w/H for the weekend, I made sure, but he's sure it won't be any fun.

OH - and get this, not 5 minutes after they leave, DD's bio dad calls! He could tell I was upset (my heart is BREAKING for my boy) and he says if I ever need to talk...

I don't need to tell y'all how tempting it was but I just said, "thanks, DD is at a friend's house so I'll have her call you when she gets home"

Sometimes a little bit of anger really helps get one's [censored] in gear. I'm going to see if the courthouse is open tomorrow.

Julie. Maybe your H did not FEEL LIKE taking your son bowling tonight. He is not a piece of crap because he says NO to your son. Your son cannot expect that he gets to do whatever he wants, WHEN he wants. That is NOT HOW life works. I really hope you didn't pile on your H for telling your son no.

Mel, HE NEVER FEELS LIKE (insert responsible adult/parent stuff here)

OH no, you are NOT defending him! I was so excited for DS! That's not all...he hasn't done ANYTHING the kids have asked him to, outside of pick them up once I've fed them or drop them off early cuz he doesn't know what to do with them or...

My heart breaks for my son. You're right, he shouldn't be viewing H as a novelty. No, I didn't pile on him, of course not - that would be coming out of the dark/Plan B & plus, I don't want to see or talk to him! I came here & vented instead. (Yay?)

Here is the thing, Julie. It is up to your husband to choose what kind of father he will be, not you. By setting this standard for him, you set him up for failure and set up your children for disappointment. It is one thing to be excited for your son for winning this, but he should not ASSUME that he is entitled to go bowling WHEN he wants. He is not. There is nothing wrong with your H taking him tomorrow or not at all. You can take him when he gets back, right?

Duh. Of COURSE it'll be me to take him. We'll go, all 3 of us, and we'll have a grand ol' time.

You're right, I can see how I set him up for failure after a while. Weird how that happened too, cuz I just wanted to be supportive. But no, I don't want to be creating pushy, manipulative little brats out of this separation/divorce.

I know I can't control H or what kind of dad he is. Hmm, crap.

So anyway, did you read my question & pebble post up there??

Do not give him the credit card offer. Hasn't he already proven how irresponsible he is? AND if he racked up the debt, since you guys are not divorced or even legally separated, guess who they'll come after when he doesn't pay? You. Because you're the one with a job. Stick it in a drawer and forgetaboutit.

The $300. I say that's a direct gift from above. Take the money and BETTER your life. Get your divorce filed girl. At least get the ball rolling so you can get some kind of temporary orders in place.

Wow Julie. You are doing great. I'm amazed at how much you've grown in such a short time. As far as your DS. ML is right about that. Don't belittle his dad to him about this. He KNOWS what's up. What your H doesn't realize is that when that DS is grown, he's going to remember these times. You just take him and have a wonderful time.

I vote that you go file for a LSA! And give him his mail; you are his wife, not his MOMMA!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Hey PM, thanks for your post & for the words of encouragement. I REALLY appreciate ALL of you watching over me. Couldn't be doing this without you all.

I know Mel's right, I even told her so above. Please be assured I have not done any daddy-bashing in my kids' presence. I even edited my post up there cuz all it showed was anger and I've worked really hard to grow far beyond that so I didn't leave it that way. I just hugged DS, told him maybe dad will change his mind, and call me later if he needs to talk. That's all. Sorry for overreacting. Back on track now...