Welcome to the
Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum

This is a community where people come in search of marriage related support, answers, or encouragement. Also, information about the Marriage Builders principles can be found in the books available for sale in the Marriage Builders® Bookstore.
If you would like to join our discussion forum, please read the Announcement Forum for instructions, rules, & guidelines.
The members of this community are peers and not professionals. Professional coaching is available by clicking on the link titled Coaching Center at the top of this page.
We trust that you will find the Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum to be a helpful resource for you. We look forward to your participation.
Once you have reviewed all the FAQ, tech support and announcement information, if you still have problems that are not addressed, please e-mail the administrators at mbrestored@gmail.com
Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 26 of 36 1 2 24 25 26 27 28 35 36
Joined: Jun 2002
Posts: 2,956
C
Member
Offline
Member
C
Joined: Jun 2002
Posts: 2,956
I think I should write H a quick note & have IM give to him.

In MY opinion, this would be breaking your Plan B. You have clearly outlined what you need in the Plan B letter. Why would you need to write him a note to that affect?

Don't be looking for ways to get ya a fix. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />

committed

Joined: Aug 2005
Posts: 1,026
J
Julie2U Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
J
Joined: Aug 2005
Posts: 1,026
Commie, ya done figured me out. I'm afraid that, since he's obviously freaking a bit & has tried "getting thru" to me that if I don't give him something he may say screw it & go full-blown D or...something. This fear is derived directly from my knowing how he is.

That's all...


LIFE IS GOOD
Joined: Aug 2005
Posts: 1,026
J
Julie2U Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
J
Joined: Aug 2005
Posts: 1,026
...and this is why, in Plan B, it is very important to NOT read the letters, NOT listen to the messages, NOT cave!

I'm still dark, but I'm secretly dying inside. Reading the letter made me feel warm & fuzzy inside for a minute, then I was hopeful, then I began to analyze, then I wanted to reach out "before it's too late", and now I'm in full-blown withdrawal. AGAIN.

I'm goona go hug a horse tonight. Thank God I've got a new IM, one who will make it very clear he can't pull this, and who will also ask him, point blank, if he's ready to work on this as outlined in my PBL.

(Although...maybe if I do reach out, then HE'LL go thru WD in a couple days too? Hey, I could be onto something!)

And there I go again...


LIFE IS GOOD
Joined: Oct 2000
Posts: 35,996
P
Member
Offline
Member
P
Joined: Oct 2000
Posts: 35,996
Quote
Are you ready to quit drinking completely, and commit to a program of recovery? If you are, then I am ready to support you. ~Julie~"

No No No No

"Are you ready" means you are looking at intent rather than actions ....

when dealing with an alcoholic WS you must set HIGHER than usual standards .... NOT lower

He must already BE sober and already WORKING a recovery program .... not just "ready to try"

"I"ll try" means "I am not doing it"

Joined: Aug 2005
Posts: 1,026
J
Julie2U Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
J
Joined: Aug 2005
Posts: 1,026
Hey Pep, thanks for chiming in.

I've already scratched the idea of writing H a note myself, so don't worry.

I appreciate your perspective.

Now, even though I'm not writing him a letter, I was planning to have IM call him tonight to ask him something very similar, per Mel's post, I think yesterday. It's hard to tell in the note he wrote me that I wasn't supposed to read. Anyway, IM will have the note & let him know, and also ask him if he's "ready" (or however we should word it) to commit to sobriety/our family.

Thoughts?


LIFE IS GOOD
Joined: Jun 1999
Posts: 1,422
A
Member
Offline
Member
A
Joined: Jun 1999
Posts: 1,422
Dear Julie,
You're doing great. Stay dark, and don't send a letter. I wouldn't have the IM ask him anything either, he KNOWS what your PB letter said and what is required. It just seems like he's trying to manipulate you into giving in so he can have his way... true to the A's nature.

Keep hugging that horse... I know how wonderful they are; have a few of my own and wouldn't know what to do without them :-)

God bless you and you're in my prayers.


Me, BS Him, Alcoholic, FWH H did 180 in '01 Recovered, blessed marriage now Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, and the evidence of things unseen. Hebrews 11:1
Joined: Aug 2005
Posts: 1,026
J
Julie2U Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
J
Joined: Aug 2005
Posts: 1,026
Evening everybody. Well, it's Wednesday & so far no drama to report. This is good, I guess. But you guessed it...I'm addicted to the drama, so I kinda want drama!

Withdrawal is subsiding again. Although it occurred to me tonight, I've got this new IM, and she hasn't managed to bring my husband home/get him sober yet. DANG, how many IMs am I going to go thru??

Last night in my meeting our topic was: FEAR. That was interesting. Most of us cried. I think I need a better, more veteran, more recovered group.

H inquired (via IM of course, sigh) again about the taxes. I haven't filed anything & I've still got the money, just having a hard time kicking self in pants.

The Daily Readers from SOT arrived. What a kind, generous, thoughtful and wonderful thing for a complete stranger to have done for me.

A friend came over tonight, brought dinner, it was nice. She's part of "The Wives Club" I've referred to before, and she asked me a lot of questions about Al-Anon & my recovery, etc. She is older than me by a year or 2, but has a 2y/o & will have a baby in July. She's not sure if she's ready. I understand. Do as I say & not as I do!!

Eh, I'm not hopeful. Not sad. Not happy. Not desperate or strong. Just blah tonight. Thanks for reading.


LIFE IS GOOD
Joined: Jun 2002
Posts: 2,956
C
Member
Offline
Member
C
Joined: Jun 2002
Posts: 2,956
Withdrawal is subsiding again. Although it occurred to me tonight, I've got this new IM, and she hasn't managed to bring my husband home/get him sober yet. DANG, how many IMs am I going to go thru??

Uhhh...that isn't in the job description of the IM. They have nothing to do with that.

What made you think that?

They are simply a person to filter the messages...what you need to know they will tell you...such as, child arrangements or financial arrangement, NOTHING more.

If you have gone into this thinking that is what the IM is supposed to do, this entire Plan B has been for the wrong purpose.

jmho
committed

Joined: Aug 2005
Posts: 1,026
J
Julie2U Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
J
Joined: Aug 2005
Posts: 1,026
C&L, you fail to recognize the (dry?) humor in my post(s)! But I appreciate knowing somebody's out there reading! I've been in a weird place all week. Work is stressing me, my marriage isn't fixed, got a better IM but work is still stressful & marriage still isn't fixed.

I've begun a letter to H. I'm pretty sure I won't send it to him, thus breaking my own Plan B, but I need to write it. The empowerment & feelings of "atta girl" as in previous weeks is missing...


LIFE IS GOOD
Joined: Jan 2008
Posts: 1,080
N
Member
Offline
Member
N
Joined: Jan 2008
Posts: 1,080
JULIE
I like your dry humor Julie..
I hope life hasn't gotten so boring........
YOUR gonna make me break out another one of my award winning photos to send ya????


Rocky

Last edited by nesre; 02/21/08 05:13 PM.
Joined: Aug 2005
Posts: 1,026
J
Julie2U Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
J
Joined: Aug 2005
Posts: 1,026
I don't know...you can send me another candid shot of my H if you like. I don't know how you keep getting them.

You may have nailed it - I'm bored! Where's the drama? Would someone just come here & break something please?? C'mon...I need a little spice!

I left the note I started to H @work. This was wise, otherwise I'd obsess over it all night. And it occurred to me that I wouldn't be able to get it to him till NEXT Wed, this is good too, maybe I'll snap out of it by then.

The odds are stacked against me.


LIFE IS GOOD
Joined: Jan 2008
Posts: 1,080
N
Member
Offline
Member
N
Joined: Jan 2008
Posts: 1,080
Julie

I haven't been over your way to get another photo but I was able to borrow this off another thread.

Hope it helps.

Gotta run

How dare them-Late Friday afternoon and they expect me to really work!!!!!!!!



http://montypythonsspamalot.com/cow_game.php



Rocky


M 29 yrs
DS 28 DD 18
Me 53 FWH FBS
MTA signed 5/11/2011
D final 5/16/2011

Free.... and going wherever the big guy wants me to go......
Joined: Aug 2005
Posts: 1,026
J
Julie2U Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
J
Joined: Aug 2005
Posts: 1,026
Good morning.

Well, last night @DS basketball practice, we made a discovery-one of H's "friend's" son is in the class. H's "friend" was there & didn't notice me, sitting rather far away, whew! But I was in a panic from the moment I knew he was there. Searching my phone...not only do I not have any FUNNY friends, but I really didn't have ANY "friends" I could call & look happy or entertained while I talk! UGH

So, I watched the game intently (as I usually do) and smiled, laughed a lot (again, normal) & then right at the end, I hid out in the bathroom. UGH I searched for somebody to call, got no answers. FINALLY I got a Grandma on the line (boo!) who was to pick up DD for the weekend so I put on the biggest smile I could, walked past, sheepishly waved at H's "friend" (who was waiting for me! Wanted to talk??) and grabbed up the kids & left. Um, no sashay. I think instead of coming off as happy/put together, I came off as b*tchy. UGH

I can only hope this "friend" will simply say he saw me & I was too busy to chat, and I can only hope this will make H wish he'd seen me.

The bill collectors have started to call. Inevitable, I know. I've been chasing a weekend "job" doing chores (show barn) for a trainer I know. It's kid friendly so I wouldn't need to be away from them, and it could cover a few bills. No call back yet though. Mortgage: now 60 days late. I've got to DO something.

Thanks for reading. I'm OK withdrawal-wise, I'm just freaking out a bit about ALL of this crashing down on me all at once. If I just brought him home I'd at least have my bills paid.


LIFE IS GOOD
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
Julie, did you file yet to get him going on support?


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


Joined: Aug 2005
Posts: 1,026
J
Julie2U Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
J
Joined: Aug 2005
Posts: 1,026
No. Just downloaded the forms now. Looks like I can have IM serve him after all. This can occur Wed.


LIFE IS GOOD
Joined: Aug 2005
Posts: 1,026
J
Julie2U Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
J
Joined: Aug 2005
Posts: 1,026
It's LSA...very invasive...and I don't want this!


LIFE IS GOOD
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
gotcha! Well, this has to get into court ASAP to get him to pay your bills. I am very disgusted he is not contributing to your support. That will look VERY BAD to a judge! Not only did he abandon his family, but he refused to pay the bills and put you in a terrible spot.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


Joined: Aug 2005
Posts: 1,026
J
Julie2U Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
J
Joined: Aug 2005
Posts: 1,026
They can't really begin foreclosure @60 days, can they? I think that's a scare tactic, I hope it is - I've heard of foreclosures taking up to 6mos.

I'm shaking & crying reading these forms w/our names on them. I don't want this! Why can't somebody just fix this?? Shake him & stop it all?

It's just me & DS this weekend & the competitive part of me really wants it to be FUN! But I'm so sad.

I'm going to lose my house. And that's just the beginning.


LIFE IS GOOD
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
Well, stop crying. It doesn't mean anything at this point; just a formality. Even if you were filing for D, it doesn't mean divorced. This is just a MERE FORMALITY to get him to pay your bills.

This is a step to make sure you don't lose your house!


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


Joined: Aug 2005
Posts: 1,026
J
Julie2U Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
J
Joined: Aug 2005
Posts: 1,026
Mel, why am I doing this? BR & AW on here are both happy...but their Hs still drink. My meetings are full of women who are either divorced or living w/active alcoholics. The odds are against me here - why am I trying to fight it? It's not like we were only married 2 yrs, and didn't spend a long time raising our 2 kids together.

Don't get mad & tell me forget it. That's not what I'm after. I need to understand.

I know ONE person who's made it out OK: the girl I work with. 4 yrs ago they did an "intervention" w/her H & he quit, they've been in AA/Al-Anon ever since. But he has some disease or something that made him near death then, and he knows full well starting up again will take him right back. So, she's got extra ammo, if you will.

MY H doesn't like the "happy families" we know - he LIKES "the boys" & "hangin' out" & doesn't want to give it up. He shouldn't have to, he always (used to) contributes!

I just feel like I'm nailing the coffin here. And that really, really makes me sad.


LIFE IS GOOD
Page 26 of 36 1 2 24 25 26 27 28 35 36

Moderated by  Fordude 

Link Copied to Clipboard
Forum Search
Who's Online Now
0 members (), 19 guests, and 90 robots.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Newest Members
Overcomer4513, caraduke, Convict20, GTNY, Avianna
71,737 Registered Users
Forum Statistics
Forums67
Topics133,550
Posts2,322,810
Members71,737
Most Online3,185
Jan 27th, 2020
Building Marriages That Last A Lifetime
Copyright © 1995-2020, Marriage Builders®. All Rights Reserved.  |  Web Development by SunStar Media.
Site Navigation
Powered by UBB.threads™ PHP Forum Software 7.7.5