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Pom, Here's mine, let nme know when you have it then I will edit it out.

****************

Maybe we can help each other.

Last edited by Set_You_Free; 01/16/08 11:24 AM.

It is rare for a truly happy woman to try and take a child away from it's father.
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I can't. PM is disabled. Post your email or put it on your profile and then delete the post or remove your email once we acknowledge contact.

I can't post mine since it reveals who I am to any prying eyes.


D-Day 28 Feb 06
Plan D (Not by choice) - 24 March 06

DD6
DS4(Twin1)
DS4(Twin2)

She moved away with the kids April 08. I contested it and got a lot more time with my kids. She's unhappy that I want to stay involved in their lives and don't settle for being an "every other weekend" dad.

Never going to happen.

Ongoing personal recovery through the help of friends, family, and DC United Soccer!
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Did that above with an edit. Let me know when you have it please.


It is rare for a truly happy woman to try and take a child away from it's father.
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If you need to contact me for anything, my email is attached to my account.

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Pom... I haven't been around in a while, but I know your plight. Hang in there.

Just FYI - I don't invite XH over "regularly"... he came for Christmas. For our kids' birthdays we usually go someplace with them, or do something at our jointly-owned business for them.

But you're right - we do have an amicable arrangement. We don't socialize together, but when we do work together we behave as any two friends do - we talk about stuff we've done outside of work etc.

I don't know if that's possible with your ex, given all the circumstances. You're different people than my XH and I are.

For your sake, however I do hope you can both get to a point where you both put the kids' needs first. I know you're doing that but it's your XW's *choice* as to whether she does that or not - and based on your side of the story, I'm not sure if that's going to happen. It would take some huge changes on her part, and you know as well as anybody that you can't compel that.

All of you (including your XW) continue to be in my thoughts and prayers, that amidst this less than ideal situation, you can all come to some sort of arrangement that everybody can live with.

JinGA


F/40, DD15 DS13 M 1989 DDay his EA May 1998. S Aug 2004. D Dec 05. I filed. 4/07 Post-D Plan A with 180, with hopes of R. 6/23/07 XH said no to R. 8/24/07 Went on a date with someone new, "B". 1/22/08 Still seeing B, life is good! Learning and growing each day. Ask me about Geocaching!
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D-Day 28 Feb 06
Plan D (Not by choice) - 24 March 06

DD6
DS4(Twin1)
DS4(Twin2)

She moved away with the kids April 08. I contested it and got a lot more time with my kids. She's unhappy that I want to stay involved in their lives and don't settle for being an "every other weekend" dad.

Never going to happen.

Ongoing personal recovery through the help of friends, family, and DC United Soccer!
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I went out with my divorce group last night to a restaurant. I had a wonderful time catching up and we had some very interesting conversations about dating and the interesting challenges of dating with kids and just dating in general. We laughed and laughed at some of the stories we all shared.

We had a very interesting conversation about step parents. I believe a significant other who enters an existing family needs to understand that no matter what happens, a kid isn't really going to see the new person as a parent, especially if they are older. This was confirmed for me by my therapist last night when we had this very same conversation. She told me that mixed families have very high divorce rates and that people who come in and want to act like a parent when they aren't have a very difficult time because kids, especially ones that are older, never accept this new person or have a tough time accepting them.

So we talked about it. One of the women said that she has a tough time with the fact that her husband comes in to her house sometimes when he drops off the kids and her boyfriend is there. The kids ask him to come in and eat with them. This bothers their mom because the boyfriend is around. She says the boyfriend thinks she's to lenient on her kids. I told her, "Who cares. It's not his place. They're YOUR kids."

She went on to say that she lets her kids win or helps them when they play board games and this aparently bugs her BF. I said, "It's a game! What are you going to do, start yelling at your son, saying 'Yeah, in your face! You can't balance a checkbook! Ha!'"

We had a good laugh over that.

The other woman there has an amicable relationship with her ex and he babysits for her so she can go out and so that he can see the kids. She feels that is going to have to end when she meets someone or re-marries because "no man will ever accept an ex coming over and hanging out in 'his' home with the kids".

I told her that it depends on the man. I told both ladies, hypotheitically, if I was dating either one of them, I would welcome their exes and befriend them for the sake of the kids because their kids aren't my kids and the kids themselves could care less. In fact, the kids would want to have both parents welcome in to their home because it's their parents and that I, as an outsider to the kids, should respect the relationship with the other parent and even encourage it.

I simply said that I would behave in a way I would want to be treated myself.

They both seemed to find my rather open attitude about it interesting and, if I read the body language correctly, appealing. One even told me, "I could see you very much acting that way and can see your point that the kids would like it."

The sad thing about the mess is that one of the women's exes remarried a woman who doesn't want the man's kids to come to her house. He is and was (and I suspect will) thinking about leaving her over this. Social services has established that the kids can't come to his home for 2 years because things were so bad with the new wife.

I told her that I think this will wear on her ex husband and that I know what I would do in his shoes. I'd kick the new wife to the curb or just flat out leave because no woman will ever interfere with my relationship with my kids. I'd rather be single till they grew up and left the house than have someone tell me I can't have my kids in my home. I found this to be a very sad thing for the kids.

So what are the thoughts on this? Jin, you are in somewhat of a similar situation with the amicable relationship with your ex.

What about others?


D-Day 28 Feb 06
Plan D (Not by choice) - 24 March 06

DD6
DS4(Twin1)
DS4(Twin2)

She moved away with the kids April 08. I contested it and got a lot more time with my kids. She's unhappy that I want to stay involved in their lives and don't settle for being an "every other weekend" dad.

Never going to happen.

Ongoing personal recovery through the help of friends, family, and DC United Soccer!
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I follow your logic...but I have read and believe that being too close to the ex (things like having him hang out at the house) is bad for the kids in that it sends them mixed signals. Kids have a hard enough time with their parents divorcing...being too close would add constant hope that there is a reconciliation in the offing. When kids see their parents interacting so closely the confusion can force them to turn their focus about the divorce to the new spouse or gf/bf. "If they were not in the picture" mom and dad would be back together. It really is a fine line to walk.

There are ways to be friendly and work in the kids best interest while maintaining boundaries that do not add to confusion.

Last edited by mkeverydaycnt; 01/23/08 06:41 AM.
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I agree, but it would certainly be ok to have the occasional, "Hey, come on up and join us for dinner" in my opinion.

This makes the kids comfortable and lowers their stress. I experienced this with my parents. I was super tense about my parents being around each other until they were and there was amicable interaction with each other. This did a lot to help lower my tension.

In the end, you're right. Too much interaction with an ex is a threat to the new marriage, but friendly acknowledgement and interaction is good for the kids and lets them know you're not looking to replace their biological parent.


D-Day 28 Feb 06
Plan D (Not by choice) - 24 March 06

DD6
DS4(Twin1)
DS4(Twin2)

She moved away with the kids April 08. I contested it and got a lot more time with my kids. She's unhappy that I want to stay involved in their lives and don't settle for being an "every other weekend" dad.

Never going to happen.

Ongoing personal recovery through the help of friends, family, and DC United Soccer!
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Quote
I know I can't reason with her or change her way of thinking. She's still very sunk into her wayward sense of entitlement and is happy to play house with her boyfriend and my kids.

I'm so sorry for your situation. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" /> I must say that I have a huge same fear/anxiety re: my children with the OP so this really speaks to me. I'm so sorry you're going through this. Best of luck with the legal suit. Hang in there!


FS: Me, 31 WS: Dh, 36 DD's: 6, 4 weeks D-Day: 11/16/07 Plan A: 1/13/07 Recovery: 3/10/08 My Original Thread God's timing is perfect. He is never late. --Joyce Meyer Battlefield of the Mind
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One big thing to keep in mind is to understand that your kids will always be your kids and will want to have you in their lives no matter what your ex does. I was very afraid at first when this other person moved in but I have come to realize over the last few months that it really doesn't matter and that the kids will always see me as dad no matter what. It's helped that, so far, the other guy hasn't overstepped, to my knowledge.

I don't think my ex would tolerate him being bad to them if she knew about it. I worry a little that he may be bad to them when she's not around or not looking.

There's been some small, troubling signs lately for my boys. They don't want to go back with the ex when she comes to get them and there have been some bruises recently which I have had no good explanation for. One son had a bruise the size of a quarter on his chest. The other son banged his head on a table and really swelled up his ear.

My ex downplayed the ear bruise and made it sound like I exaggerated how bad it looked. I took pictures of the bruise because it was pretty purple.

The kids told me he hit his head on a "train table".

It sounds like an accident, so I'm not freaking out about it right now. I just want to keep track of how many "accidents" the kids continue to have.

I'm very careful when they're at my house, but the risk of accidents is always there, especially with young boys who seem to throw themselves around all the time, and run and play and wrestle.

My other son has a fear of dogs. The kids have told me he's afraid of the pet dog in the house and he clings to me whenever neighborhood dogs bark, saying that they're barking at him.

So, those are the things I find troubling.

She comes over to pick the boys up tonight. I'm hoping it's a smooth transition and the boys don't get upset again. They didn't want to leave last time. One of them went peacefully the other clung to my stairwell and didn't want to leave. The ex told me "to do something" rather than simply letting him stay to ease his distress.

These Wednesday exchanges are always super stressful for the kids and I. I wish they could simply stay the night like they already do every other Wednesday. We're supposed to negotiate having the boys stay the night on every Wednesday versus every other Wednesday, but the ex has already stated she's against this. I don't know why she insists on this, but I have some feelings on it that I'm not willing to post.


D-Day 28 Feb 06
Plan D (Not by choice) - 24 March 06

DD6
DS4(Twin1)
DS4(Twin2)

She moved away with the kids April 08. I contested it and got a lot more time with my kids. She's unhappy that I want to stay involved in their lives and don't settle for being an "every other weekend" dad.

Never going to happen.

Ongoing personal recovery through the help of friends, family, and DC United Soccer!
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Sadly, parental alienation is alive and kicking. After my divorce, my daughters who had begged me to coach their sports teams, and had great times, now view me as the devil, and accuse me of all evils, including forcing them to play sports. These girls are now adults, and still refuse to acnowledge the truth.

I'm hoping that someday THAT fog will lift.

The younger ones still love me, but the mother is working hard to change that.


It is rare for a truly happy woman to try and take a child away from it's father.
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D-Day 28 Feb 06
Plan D (Not by choice) - 24 March 06

DD6
DS4(Twin1)
DS4(Twin2)

She moved away with the kids April 08. I contested it and got a lot more time with my kids. She's unhappy that I want to stay involved in their lives and don't settle for being an "every other weekend" dad.

Never going to happen.

Ongoing personal recovery through the help of friends, family, and DC United Soccer!
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I don't believe you can have him arrested or press charges. Your interpretation of that law is not accurate. That is meant for secret recordings of conversations...phone or otherwise. You are aware of the video taping as it is being done without attempts to hide it.

Audio is the issue here, not video.

It is weird...but really not a crime.

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Hey man.. sorry I didn't get back to this thread before now, but my email should be available in my profile. Feel free to email me at any time.

I have to admit though, I have taken a few wrong turns in the custody thing by not being aggressive enough. MEDC is a good source for shoe leather when you need it.. I can't thank him enough for his contributions to getting me in gear and armed with the knowledge I need to fight this my way.. even if he and I don't always agree on the strategy.

You've got great resources here, use them.


Me - 32
DS - 5
DD - 13
DSD - 9
D final 12-8-08
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D-Day 28 Feb 06
Plan D (Not by choice) - 24 March 06

DD6
DS4(Twin1)
DS4(Twin2)

She moved away with the kids April 08. I contested it and got a lot more time with my kids. She's unhappy that I want to stay involved in their lives and don't settle for being an "every other weekend" dad.

Never going to happen.

Ongoing personal recovery through the help of friends, family, and DC United Soccer!
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I'm sure you aren't doing anything wrong during the exchanges, so I wouldn't worry about it from that aspect.

However, it is an intrusion, and illegal at that. They are probably trying to irritate you and get you to do something bad. Beware of that.


It is rare for a truly happy woman to try and take a child away from it's father.
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I live and worked in an all party consent state too. I'm telling you that IMHO, there is no violation of law. If he is standing there with a video camera, there is nothing illegal about that. Now, SECRETLY recording a conversation is illegal in probably half of the jurisdictions...electronic or face to face does not matter.

Consent would be needed to use the recording for public display...other than that, I doubt the veracity of the information you have been given.

Now, if he surreptitiously was recording you by other means...secretly looking in your windows, you might have a claim..otherwise, it isn't realistic.

Imagine that ANY person could claim a violation of law for such a thing. A parent video taping his child's baseball game would need to obtain permission from every parent and player in order to do so. Someone walking around an amusement park with a video camera...imagine the issues that your interpretation of the law could cause.

I am sorry, but I believe you have been given inaccurate information.

If you tell me your state, I would be happy to verify this for you.

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as far as the audio goes..is he able to pick up audio from the sidewalk? That would be hard to prove. Also, since you see the camera, there is the problem that your expectation of privacy has been exhausted. When you see the camera, you could CHOOSE to not say anything. That is where the secret recording issue comes into play.

All in all though, the guy is a jerk.

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D-Day 28 Feb 06
Plan D (Not by choice) - 24 March 06

DD6
DS4(Twin1)
DS4(Twin2)

She moved away with the kids April 08. I contested it and got a lot more time with my kids. She's unhappy that I want to stay involved in their lives and don't settle for being an "every other weekend" dad.

Never going to happen.

Ongoing personal recovery through the help of friends, family, and DC United Soccer!
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