L2F,

I am sorry you miss me. I really don't know why. I have told you for months that I don't want to be married to you any more. That you continue to absolutely ignore me, even after I hand you papers, is incomprehensible to me.
I will not be staying here with you. If you were not working somewhere else during the week, we would each have a home here and when you were spending time with the kids, you would be at yours and I would be at mine. I wouldn't be going to your place with them.

As far as sitting at a table letting everyone we know share their opinions, they have not walked a mile in my shoes and can only formulate opinions based on the mask they were allowed to see. Those opinions don't mean much to me.

I am sorry it offends you that OMM continues to be my friend whether she agrees with what I am doing, or not. In my opinion, that is what a friend is supposed to do. If someone cuts you off because they don't like what you are doing, what kind of friend are they? I have NEVER judged people that way.

I spoke to MC at length about whether or not to tell the kids where I am. She recommended against it. They can always call me.

You married your first wife for life, too... You can't force or bully me into staying with you because that is what YOU want. That is what I feel you are trying to do. You ABSOLUTELY disregard everything that I say. What I want matters, too.

My dearest WW,

It hurts me that you don’t understand why I miss you.
I miss you because I love you.
I miss you because we’ve built a life together
I miss you because we’ve always been there for each other
I miss you because together we are more than we are apart

Your feelings aside, we are married, I am your husband, you are my wife, we are our children’s parents.

I vehemently disagree with former MC.

While a good individual counselor, I think she has totally missed the boat where our family is concerned.

I have no clue what good she thinks your keeping our children in the dark can bring.

In all honesty, I think it’s emotionally abusive to make them co-conspirators in your dirty little secret.

Why don’t you ask DS how he feels about not knowing where you are?

You don’t really need to, do you? You already heard how he felt in children's counselor's office.

They know basically where you’re going, but not really knowing, not having you talk with them about it, still makes it a barrier to honesty.

Your silence has everything to do with protecting you, not them.

It has to do with your desire to avoid the pain of their knowing that you’re doing something they rightfully find hurtful and wrong.

It does NOT protect their feelings.

It does NOT protect them from the feelings of doubt about their mother.

How is that in their best interest??

They want to know that their mother can be trusted.

But right now she can’t

They want to know that their mother isn’t doing something distasteful

But right now she is.

So to me it appears that you don’t want to talk about it because the truth is ugly and it will make you look bad.

They don’t understand how you can “pal around” with an unemployed loser, or his 60+ yr old mother.

What you’re doing hurts them, embarrasses them, and makes them feel that they are of lesser importance to you than they should be.

They love you, but you are creating an environment of deceit and distrust that in my opinion will lead to an emotionally fragile relationship with them as they continue to grow older and need a better role model and confidante.

Most importantly, WW, it is destroying their trust in YOU.

Once that’s gone, and it damn near is, it will be incredibly hard to rebuild.

How can they come to you with their problems/questions when you show yourself to be so untrustworthy?

My urging you to be honest with them has nothing to do with my wanting you to feel bad; rather it has everything to do with their feelings and the health of your current and future relationship with them.

Don’t mistake your “telling them” with “talking about it with them”. “Telling them” is merely an announcement of your actions, while “talking with them” is having an open dialog.

They deserve to be part of the discussion.

They deserve to be heard.

They both expressed their opinions in their counselor's office but you did NOT respond.

How do you think it makes them feel?

They tell their mother how she’s hurting them and she’s silent?

You say that I’m not listening to you…what about how they feel about your ignoring them???

They are YOUR CHILDREN, for God’s sake!

“Handing me papers” doesn’t end the marriage.

How is your handing me papers any different from my finding out that you’d been sleeping with some low life scum for months behind my back?

How is your handing me papers any different from your not sleeping with me for years?

If you want to get divorced, have me served.

I will get a lawyer

We will end up in court

That’s really a shame.

I will not “agree” to destroy this family

That’s all on you

It does not need to happen this way. Like in “A Christmas Carol”, you can choose to change the course of our future.

Love, L2F

...she is still living at home, even though elusively

The military life is sure tough on families. The only way I was able to bear the separations was knowing (or thinking, at any rate) that my wife was my rock back at home...