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Hey all, been a busy weekend... LaLa, thanks as always for dropping by, and I sure do appreciate the words of encouragement.. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> It WAS good, and the best part is that it was pure loving detachment. I had no expectations, and it was pure Plan A. SO... WW has a skiing weekend w/ the kids while I dog sat our new pooch. They came back a day earlier than I expected so I was still in the house and not planning to leave...due to 3 day weekend. Made a great dinner for W and kids--chicken florentine--not bad if I say so myself, and the kids and I sat down and ate while WW paced like a caged animal. She was wondering what "we were going to do", referring to the fact that I was there and not leaving. I simply said I'd be staying, and she was welcome to as well. It wasn't a challenge or a threat, merely a statement of fact... She paced for a good 30 min before announcing she "didn't feel comfortable and was going to leave." DS said "you mean you WANT to leave"... Snap! I suggest it'd be safer and smarter of her to stay after a long day on the slopes and a long drive and offer to make up the bed in the playroom for her. She declines and "just has to leave". I say OK, be careful, and let it go. I felt she expected more... The kids shrug it off like "there goes mom again... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /> " ...no drama... She makes a deal of getting her things and finally leaves. About 30 min later she calls me and says's she's truly tired and will be coming back... I say great and make up the bed (mostly b/c there was truly a grey area re expectations of who was going to sleep where and in this particular case, I felt it was the right thing to do---NOT sucking up, mind you). Anyway, she comes back, spends some time w/ the kids and trundles off to bed. About 30 min after that, she comes back in after the kids are in bed and announces to me that she "can't sleep" and has to leave... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" /> Make up your frickin' mind, already!!! Asks me if I want to tell the kids, or should she... No brainer, I say, "you tell them. It's your decision, and they should hear it from you"... Again, no judgment, no criticism, merely a statement of what my expectation is of her as a parent and adult... I'm starting to get the hang of this boundary thing... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" /> ...more to follow...
If God is a DJ, life is a dance floor, you get what you're given, it's all how you use it... Pink
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We (the kids and I) had a great day today, got outside for most of the day and it was REALLY nice!!! WW calls around 3pm leaving a message on my VM asking if I could stay an extra night w/ the kids b/c she wants to "Go see OM to tell him she doesn't want to talk to him anymore"...and she "wants some closure"... I call back and reach HER VM and say that I understand, but that I thought that she'd wasted enough emotional energy on someone who doesn't deserve your time and a letter would serve the same purpose w/out taking 6 HOURS of driving. (!!!) She finally calls me back and we talk briefly. She thanks me for my input and that she'll consider whether or not she will actually see him (she'll be staing w/ OMM for the night). I ask her what her expectations are of this "closure", and if she'd visualized exactly what would constitute a "success". She hadn't really thought about it, but that it was something she felt she needed to do "for her", and that she was "finally sticking up for herself". She'd been "treated badly", and there were "some things he needed to hear"... A good sentiment, that, but this is where I calmly made clear my feelings on the subject, which was "WW, I truly understand that you feel it is important to do so, but I think you're putting too much importance on what the wrong person thinks or feels. He's already proven that he doesn't care about you, me, or our family, so whether or not he "gets it" is irrelevant and is disrespectful to me and your family." I closed with "I respectfully urge you to reconsider your "need" to do something that is clearly driven by your emotions, and think about the rest of us." Perhaps I should have jumped for joy and just shut the f#@K up, and I'm waiting for some of you to say so...but bottom line, I really had to stick up for ME!!! Anyway...I'll find out tomorrow exactly what went down...should be interesting. I'm sure if she did seek some "closure", it was to "tell him off"...but he's such a self-centered jerk it'll be just that much more frustrating to WW...gotta love it <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" /> No matter what...I'm sleeping well tonight! Sweet dreams, all <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" /> L2F
If God is a DJ, life is a dance floor, you get what you're given, it's all how you use it... Pink
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Hey ILA... just read your post and yup, btdt... Don't forget the "stick" part of plan A as well... Just read Spike's story and, I've gotta say, I felt that many of his advisors could have been talking to me... See what you think... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smirk.gif" alt="" /> I love hearing feedback from FWS's to see if this actually works or if this just shows we are weak and WW doesn't gain any respect for us like this ??? I know what you mean... What I realized about myself, however, when I first started doing that "early" on ( <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />), was that it was in some way not unlike my waiting for WW to act, so I'd know how to react... kinda backwards. I'm getting much better at being the right guy, and not worrying what she thinks...I've got no control over that, and neither do you. Bottom line, I wake up w/ ME every morning, and I need to make sure that I like who's looking back at me from the mirror... Life is good, my man, with her or without her...and THAT sentiment will set you free! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />
If God is a DJ, life is a dance floor, you get what you're given, it's all how you use it... Pink
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Hey L2F!
I'm right in the middle of my left-seat/right-seat ride... so I haven't been around that much... I start my "new job" at the end of next week... fun, fun!
You're doing GREAT!!! Man, you are the Plan-A king!!! Keep it up!
I'm praying for you guys...
Semper Fi,
RIF
Me, BS
Her, Forgiven
Married Dec 86
Multiple A's that ended '90
Rebuilding In Faith since then...
Currently deployed to Iraq, but TEXAS is Home!
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WOW, L2F...just WOW!!! This is GREAT news! And you handled it beautifully! Kepp showing her the way back home while being firm in your resolve. That is the KEY!!!! You cannot sacrafice yourself to her just to get her back, yanno. You do that and things will actually get WORSE after WD is over...trust me, I know. And now into recovery, W2S still struggles with so much of what I did. If I wasn't on board 150% he'd be gone. Even a year after NC. Dr. Harley himself says that after NC and WD, the biggest threat to the M is the BS. All these months of Plan A and being abused by your WW WILL come back to bite you...she better be in the driver's seat at that point, and the only way to insure that (as much as possible) is to stand tall and firm and be confident with your boundaries from the beginning. Hmmmm...wonder what OM did....maybe one too many enemas???? That's not right, Lord I apologize.... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />
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Hmmmm...wonder what OM did....maybe one too many enemas???? ROFLMAO!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />
If God is a DJ, life is a dance floor, you get what you're given, it's all how you use it... Pink
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Seriously... Even though she's not doing NC the MB way (at least not yet), she still is giving him the "heave ho"... What I WANT to say is something along the lines of.. "So, you're mad at him because he let you down? Because he lied to you? Because he was disrespectful to you? Give me a break! You are a liar and a cheat who has had no respect for your husband and children and you get your undies in a bunch because this low-life scum does the same to you? Excuse me while I have a HUGE laugh at your expense!!!" ...that was fun <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />... Now folks, please help me capitalize on my good fortune and NOT MESS THIS HUGE OPPORTUNITY UP!!! Do I let her bring up what transpired? How to react?? Do I maintain indifference? She has no idea how close I was to a completely black Plan B before she went and did this, so my patience is pretty much shot... I'm at my work location for the remainder of the week so all contact w/ her will be by phone or email... Thoughts and suggestions, Please!!! L2F
If God is a DJ, life is a dance floor, you get what you're given, it's all how you use it... Pink
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A six hour drive to go no contact and have "closure" is never going to work. Don't get your hopes up.
Sorry, but it isn't going to work. She will just get reeled back in.
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Believer...thanks for the optimism... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smirk.gif" alt="" />
Believe me, I've read too many threads w/ the subject "NC broken...AGAIN" to be staking my paycheck on this...yet.
What I'm looking for are some stategies to help guide this towards something more real, rather than push her away inadvertantly at this crucial crossroads...
If God is a DJ, life is a dance floor, you get what you're given, it's all how you use it... Pink
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Well, the affair is overdue to die, so you can probably count on that. Other than that, just continue what you are doing. Don't get angry or tell her you told her so.
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Well, if you can get her to stay at the house during the weekends, it would be easier! For now, if this is over, she must go through WD. Which means she'll be even MORE fun than she was before. I think you have reached a point of loving detachment that you can do nice things for her here and there, show her you care, but without falling all over her.
Don't push any R or A talks right now, but tell you her you are always there for her if she needs to talk about anything. Remind her that you are well aware of what has been going on, so if she needs someone to talk to, you're da man! Then prepare yourself in case she takes you up on it. Nod and be silent and let her vent. At the end, thank her for sharing with you (as you try not to actually bite your tongue completely off).
This stage is about showing her it is safe to be home. That you are not going to drive her crazy while she mourns (barf). Spend time with your kids- set things up to do as a family and ask her to come. If she doesn't, that's fine, just say "OK, but we'd sure like to have ya!" And then make SURE you go do it anyways without her. Loving detachment.
In a few weeks, if NC is maintained, (and that means his hag of a mother, too!!) you should be able to start working through some things that will have to happen...NC letter, counseling with the Harleys, reading and posting to this site (she already knows about it, after all!)...
You cannot force anything right now, though...just show her that you understand and will be there for her...
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Bottom line, I wake up w/ ME every morning, and I need to make sure that I like who's looking back at me from the mirror... Life is good, my man, with her or without her...and THAT sentiment will set you free! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" /> And I've got to believe that is probably why you find yourself in your current position....with some solid hope finally. You've done things the right way and "found" yourself above all else. You deserve to have good things start to happen for you, L2F. Everything evens out in the end, one way or another......I think it's your turn!!
Male 34 (1st Marriage)
WW 32 (2nd Marriage)
Met 7/02
Moved In 10/02
Married 6/07
EA D-Day 1/5/08
PA D-Day 1/8/08
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Hey L2F,
You're getting some great advice... I agree with Believer and would caution you against getting your hopes up too much... What I mean is don't expect her to come running back to the family and starting right into rebuilding... this is a great thing, ending the A... but your Plan-A efforts are even MORE critical now.
Lala has some great advice... she's going to go through a withdrawal period, maybe she already has to some extent... but be prepared.
My advice it to crank up your Plan-A and show Mrs. L2F what a great H you really are! Hopefully, you'll be able to start spending some time together on the weekends now...
Semper Fi,
RIF
Me, BS
Her, Forgiven
Married Dec 86
Multiple A's that ended '90
Rebuilding In Faith since then...
Currently deployed to Iraq, but TEXAS is Home!
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TJ! Hey RIF! How are you...are you staying safe? When do you think you may be able to get outa there and come home? /TJ <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />
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Hey LaLa,
I started my year long tour in July of 2007, but I've extended for another year, so I won't go home for good until May/June 2009...
Semper Fi,
RIF
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RIF... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />
Take care of yourself!
(((((((RIF)))))))
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Hey RIF, LaLa,
The military lifestyle is murderous on marriages...
It takes commitment on a level not easily understood by most "normal" people...
It also takes herculean efforts on the part of the deployed spouse to continue to meet, to the extent possible, those ENs of the spouse on the homefront that can be met in absentia... no mean feat
Still no word on how the "closure" went, and I'm unsure if I should ask.
On the pro side, it gives me a chance to "help" wrap it up and suggest a NC letter as a follow-up.
On the con side, I'd be getting into her stuff, and would need to bite my tongue (not my strong suit...) and not give her the "and just what exactly did you expect from the jerk?" speech...
Thoughts?
If God is a DJ, life is a dance floor, you get what you're given, it's all how you use it... Pink
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ILA,
Thanks for the words of faith...I'm hoping you're right!
I'll drop by "your place" today and see what's up...
L2F
If God is a DJ, life is a dance floor, you get what you're given, it's all how you use it... Pink
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Got a call from WW's alcoholic M today...turns out WW borrowed HUGE amounts of money from her over the last few years and is now being killed by the high interest rates on her credit cards... Am I correct in assuming that no matter what, I'll be held responsible for at least half of those debts, whether I knew about the charges or not? This is just another example of the web of lies... Man, I tell you what...I think anyone getting married should first polygraph their "beloved"... Affairs can be just the tip of the iceberg of a dishonest soul... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />
Last edited by Learning2Fly; 02/21/08 11:17 PM.
If God is a DJ, life is a dance floor, you get what you're given, it's all how you use it... Pink
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Hey L2F!
How can you be responsible for your MIL's credit card debt when you had no knowledge of the "loan"?
I think that Mrs. L2F would have to settle this on her own...
So are you going to get home this weekend??? We've got a big Dog & Pony show this coming week, then I fly up to our HQ to start my new job...
Hope things are going well for you!!!
Semper Fi,
RIF
Me, BS
Her, Forgiven
Married Dec 86
Multiple A's that ended '90
Rebuilding In Faith since then...
Currently deployed to Iraq, but TEXAS is Home!
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