This is a tough one. If you will be mostly gone, I don't see that you will be able to work on the marriage, or even do a good Plan B.

The thing that is in your favor is that the affair has gone on so long and will be over soon, no matter what.

You have told your kids that mom has another man, right?

L2fly, why are you gone during the week? In Plan B, the goal is to move the WS out of the house and make her finance her own digs. Is that possible?

Can you bring me up to speed on the living situation?

thanks believer <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Got it...

Pep, thanks for the good listening words...always helps to have a cheat sheet...prevents the "lizard" from responding.



I wouldn't be here if I didn't think so! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Mel,Pep and B... he is in the armed forces and works 3+ hours away, so instead of driving back and forth every day, he stays on base during the week. As soon as he comes home on Fridays (sometimes before, as she did this week...are you documenting this L2F?), she takes off to see OM, who lives several (3?) hours away and stays with him all weekend. They rarely see each other as it is, and L2F is there with the kids all weekend.

Since your finances are already seperated, the biggest obstacle is the working during the week. I suggested coming back every other day so that you could see them 2 nights during the week without having to drive 6 hours each day. You NEED to speak to whoever you can about figuring something out with your job...tell them you have some serious family crisis headed your way and need their help. The kids are getting old enough now (15/13) that they should be able to make their own decisions regarding who gets primary custody. They key is (and yes Pep and Mel, they know everything) making sure they feel empowered to speak their minds in this mess. They obviously cannot be uprooted from their schools right now, but there may be a way to work things out, especially in the summer.

Hope this helps...

Believer, ML,

Yup, difficult.

You can go back and search under my previous username for how I told kids. You were there, Mel.

My home is between 2 and 4 hours from work, depending on traffic and ferry schedules. The only way to work being in my home at night would be to do that on a couple of nights midweek and then weekends. This would require lots of flexibility from my command...not easy...I'm VERY senior.

Most importantly, it would really wear me down, physically and mentally...the current arrangement at least allows me to recharge some.

Will look into how that might work, but the reality of trying to do that is that there are many unforseen and unexpected "pop-up" meetings, etc., that make coordinating this w/ WW mid-week while in a dark Plan B well, challenging.

As for her getting a "crash pad" while I'm there, well there is no "extra" money laying around to finance that. OM is not nearby so she can't live w/ him...although I'd love for her to give that a shot...

Saying F/U could also be looked on poorly by any potential divorce court...

Due to WW having pretty much destroyed our financial situation over the years due to her being "in charge", and my being stupid, naiive and trusting enough to have my head in the sand, there's precious little savings to assist in digging out.

We're upside down on two car loans and in a house we can't afford in a declining market...

I'm not denying blame for our situation, I just guess I didn't see it b/c it was "her" job, while I was off "fighting the wars"...stupid, stupid, stupid!

I'm too close to the bark on this tree to see the forest on this one...

Please keep those ideas coming!!!

First and foremost, you MUST get a lawyer, L2F. There is just no way around it, and get a GOOD one. Do you know anyone who has divorced (male) and got a really good deal? Start asking around. You need what they call a BULLDOG attorney...one who will not shy away from a fight. Is your state a "no fault" state? Get on the internet, go to Google/Yahoo and search in your area/state. You have to be sure on ALL of your rights and what will help/hurt you if it comes down to a D/custody. Like I said, though...you can be sure that the court WILL listen to your children...they are old enough. THIS IS KEY!!

She is responsible for figuring out her own financial probelms. SHE created this mess, not you. You only need to be concerned for yours and your childrens' well-being. Do not fall into the trap of feeling "helpless" because of finances. She has been allowed to cake-eat off of YOUR finances and live in the marital home while engaging in an A for far too long. Protect yourself NOW, before it is too late!!

Hey LaLa,

We were cross-posting...thx for the great summary!

As for the ISD thread, she read it initially, but hasn't since about page 3.

Your strategic point is well taken, however.

She doesn't browse around on this site and I think only you and RIF mentioned my username in that thread and it was after she visited.

Perhaps you could edit those specific references out.

On the whole, however, I try to make sure there's nothing here that could "damage my case" in future...as it's all true.

Yes, LaLa, you have coaxed me before to go the route of staying up here during the week...and it is the right thing to do.

I'm just not sure how to approach the possiblity of doing so and still do a Plan B...we'd be separated, but not really... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

First thing's first, though, and I think that's getting back home for as many nights as possible...let HER figure out where she's going to stay.

Again, thoughts on how I can do this AND plan B?

Since you've read my last post about strategy, I edited it to take out her info, and then went back and edited my post to her. I figured she already knew your "name" here...sorry bout dat!


Good attitude, and very true. However, you know all the vets are going to tell you that Plan B isn't Plan B if you are still "living" under the same roof, yanno! It is a very tough sitch as far as living arrangements go, that's fo sho! I will wait and see what Pep and Mel say about that...military is really HE11 on family life, especially in this sitch. The thing I will say is, use your seniority to try and work things out. Rely on the fact that serving your country will be SMILED upon in court, and the fact that your children are older and support you and can testify what a GREAT FATHER you are will be invaluable.

Stay strong...it ain't over till it's over!!!

You can't do Plan B and live together. That just won't work.

But I agree with LaLa, she is having the affair on your dime.

I think I would ask her to get a full time job since if you divorce she will need to bring in more money.

Now I may be "new" here, but even I got that much... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Seriously, that's the problem...even if there weren't an A, and we got D'd, that would be the rub.

It is hard to imagine a plan B or D in which we don't have to sell the house.

L2F, I think you have 2 choices, either sell the house and move closer to your work, or tolerate her affair for a few more years, until you grow to hate her. You are in a position where you are to have to do something drastic to even move forward.

If you moved your family closer, you could make her move contingent upon ending her affair. And if she didn't, you could go into Plan B and be home with your kids every night. Either way, your kids and you would not have to witness her filthy affair up close.

It might seem like the kids are better off staying in the same school, but I don't think they are better off watching their mother run off like an alley cat in heat every weekend showing absolute and utter disrespect to their father and them. That trains to grow up and be little abusers or abused spouses. It teaches them it is ok to be DOORMATS and not defend your family when it is so blantantly under assault. What a horrendous lesson to role model for kids.

Better yet, I would want to teach them that even when things are hard, that sometimes hard decisions have to made. Show them courage in the face of terrible abuse. I would much rather show my boys THAT.

LaLa, no prob <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

I didn't really think about trying to keep my identity a secret, but I'd never told her who I was, either. As she doesn't browse here (would probably learn something) it's not a problem.

Will look at my schedule this week and figure out how to accomplish this increased "presence" in the home.

Wish me luck!

Thank you all for jumping in so quickly w/ ideas and support...Still prepping for our next "conversation".

OBTW, went over to WW's M's house and had a long conversation w/ her. If you've read from the beginning you see that she and WW are somewhat estranged due to "history" between them.

Finally said the heck w/ it and went and spilled the beans. Turns out her whole family is on "my" side on this thing...small comfort, eh?

Anyway...had another great w/e w/ the kids!

We'll see what the new week holds!

L2F

Mel, I totally agree with everything you've said,in principle...however...

The cold hard fact of my military situation is that I will not be home for 5 months of this year, and the first 7 months of next year...making moving my kids and then leaving them in a new school while I'm gone (and with who I'm not sure...) a non-starter

RIF, I do NOT know how you do it..Kudos to you and Mrs RIF!!

As many here have pointed out, Mr W among them, that when it comes to custody battles, what matters most is what's in the children's best interest.

It's the courts that determine that, and I'm thinking they'd frown on a "plan" that would look to an outsider as a "power play".

Do you see why Plan B is so sticky?

What I've read in many different places that what kids need, above all else, is to have a steady routine, parents who love them, and who are good role models.

I'm modeling strength, courage, patience, commitment and honor. I can NOT tell WW what to model, but she's their mother, and she's loving them right now in the only way she's capable of.

What my kids see is that her lack of respect is for herself, not me or them. They KNOW it has nothing to do with any of us and that it's their mother's problem.

That we've been able to discuss this and that they see it so clearly is why I know they will NOT grow up to do this themselves.

I'm wholeheartedly of the belief that problems like this perpetuate for generations because families become habituated to the point they don't even SEE it. Not so here.

My children have INCREDIBLE respect for how I'm handling this. DD has said that it speaks volumes about my integrity.

Ironically, while I'm here WW sees OM more b/c she is able to leave each w/e. While I'm gone, it's more dificult to get a babysitter and she will NOT have OM around kids...the kids will not allow it. Friends are also "read in" and will be less likely to jump in to watch kids while she "cats around".

...do you see why I'm agonizing on the realities of the situation? As black and white as the adultery issue is, the implementation ain't (said w/ best imitation of Texas drawl...)

Had another wonderful weekend w/ the kids <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

WW made it home around 7pm...looking haggard, tired and guilty.

I was in full plan A mode...making dinner-for-breakfast with the kids. Waffles, scrambled eggs, sausage, etc. Kitchen was filled w/ happy family bustling...and WW was on the periphery...not a part of the love-fest.

I asked nothing of her

I smiled and made pleasant conversation

I commented on how good she looked

We had some pleasant interaction on the couch before I left...talking about nothing in particular.

Man, when I look at her I just feel sad. Not hurt, just sad for her, for what she's doing to herself...

I guess that's a true testament to the love I feel for her...I didn't feel angry, I just care for HER so much that her best interests are what come to mind first.

That's easy when she's there. When she's gone is when I get angry... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" />

Another week...as I was driving away I felt truly satisfied and happy about my contribution to my kid's weekend, my significant accomplishment in building a stronger loving relationship with them.

Silver lining to a dark cloud... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Hey L2F!



You are a good man L2F... Sadly, Mrs. L2F can't see that right now... but one day she will. I hope for her sake that she starts seeing it soon...

Semper Fi,

RIF

Thanks for the good words RIF...it really means a lot to me.

I've been reading the whole respect and anger post and have tried not to throw fuel on that fire, but I truly think there's a continuum here...I see much between the black and white.

I DO respect myself...that's a large part of how it is I'm able to not take much of this pain personally. I know that my WW chose to do this, not b/c of who I am, but b/c of who she is.

Posturing, blustering and judging are not good ways to show WW the "way home"...

WW has referred to my "self righteousness" in the letters like earlier in this thread...and I can't say I disagree with her characterization.

WW's Mom told me that her behavior is immoral...well duh! If just pointing out the obvious to a WS was all it took, this MB would be a ghost town...

Showing them the way back home has everything to do w/ making WS feel safe...something I work on every chance I get.

One man's doormat is another man's beacon, eh?

L2F

Nothing really new to report today...

Last night I was talking casual stuff w/ WW and I remembered to tell her that I might be working this saturday due to some operational commitments...

Her reply? A short and snippy "and WHEN were you going to tell ME that?"

Before responding in kind, I took a breath and replied with a smile in my voice: "I'm telling you right now"

After thinking about it, I'm guessing the rapid anger had to do w/ my not being home Fri night was interfering with her own weekend plans...oh, me so sorry.. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

Yanno, sometimes it's FUN to poke the bear... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

So, if it turns out I CAN make it home on Fri, do I tell her ahead of time, or just show up?

******, I'd just show up. "thought I'd surprise you honey....figured you'd be so happy to see me" :P

But, what do I know?

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

We think alike... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

Oh that would SO not go over well...

It could be seen as power play..."forcing" her to hit the road late in the evening without a "plan"

But then again, her leaving is HER choice, right?

Weighing pros/cons to this action...

My NOT telling her could be seen as "controlling"...

Another option is to show up during the day Sat (if I don't work), and that way she has "options" without being painted into a corner...

Wondering what WW's reaction will be when/if WW's M tells her she knows...