Any ideas on an intermediary for communication?

How about visitation? Is he planning to see the kids at all?

He's living 1100 miles away. Visits will be few and far between.

That doesn't mean a bit of difference. I've seen folks recover where one spouse was completely gone and there was no contact at all.

You just have to realize that the affair will end. Then he will most likely be back.

So what do I do in the mean time. Does SAA outline Plan B entirely. No contact. I have to answer the phone when he calls. Stop communicating about the kids? Stop all communication?

Absolutely no contact of any kind. You need an intermediary that will handle all communication and will ONLY pass on to you essential information about finances or kids. This will eliminate the affair drama from your life.

If your phone has caller ID, use it, and don't answer when he calls...or if he is calling to talk with the kids, let them answer it.

Do I understand correctly that there are NO plans for visitation at all? Does that mean if he decides to make a trip to where you live, he may expect to see the kids as convenient for him. Has he said ANYTHING about seeing the kids??? (I'm sorry, that must be so painful)

No real plans just time estimations, like he will visit every six weeks, maybe and expects to see the kids then.

OK I won't answer phone.

UC,

You need to have visitation clearly SET UP. For example, father will visit children every six weeks. He will pick them up Saturday at 10 a.m. and return them on Sunday at 6 p.m.

If he doesn't make it in town then, he'll need to wait until the next scheduled visit. I realize that may sound hurtful to the children, but it IS NOT, BECAUSE you are presently fighting for their family. This is part of the battle. He needs to realize that life will go on without him, that he is CHOOSING to not be involved in his children's lives, that you have a life without him, and that you have boundaries he needs to respect.

Otherwise, what happens when you and the children have plans and he decides to "pop in" and expects you to change your plans because he wants to see them?

I see that not having visitation spelled out will cause you problems later that will pull you out of a good Plan B.

As this A progresses, they WILL start LBing, and you will not be there to meet ENs, he will start bucking your Plan B. He will push whatever boundaries he can to get back into your life. You do NOT want that to happen. Once in Plan B, he doesn't get back in until he has fulfilled the requirements you outline in your Plan B letter.

Unconditional, SMB…

Just to re-affirm what SMB said…

A short story… In my first divorce I got custody of our 2 children and her son from a previous… She was ordered to pay a measly $190.00 a month in child support for 3 kids… I didn’t care about the money as long as she was an active parent… she couldn’t even do that… would pop in when she wanted… hurt the kids more than anything…I finally decided that enough was enough… I told her she needed to pick them up when she was supposed to or not at all… she went with not at all…. Went 14 months without seeing them and she lived 2 miles away… So… I took her back to court for back child support… if she wasn’t going to be an active parent then she was going to be a financially supportive one…

One other thing…. Someone said this earlier in this post ….. NEVER NEVER NEVER let him take the kids out of the country… once he does… you’re screwed… you can’t do anything legally to get them back. If he does get visitation… I would suggest supervised visitations if you’re afraid he might flee the country with them…

Well he's called the house three times and my kids don't want to talk to him.

Have you exposed this affair?

Have you told OW's parents (who may be shelling out $$ for deposits etc for this mythical wedding!) that she is engaged to a married man with young children?

OMG, what a weapon you have to destroy fantasy-land!

Also, have you exposed to his parents?

Affairs thrive in secrecy...

I told her parents and they said "she's 25 she knows what she is doing!" I have exposed to everyone. Sent the pics to his parents today because they are sweeping this under the rug. Now they can see how insane he really is!

That is called a natural consequence to an affair (and leaving your family).

That's HIS mess.

I know we'll get through this. He continues to blame me and thinks I am poisoning them against him. The truth is the truth. He moved to another country- fact. I know the consequences are his, he just likes to make me his scapegoat for everything. How blatant though to put pictures (some intimate) of himself on a public site for all to see and then invite me to see it!

Did you actually get the settlement agreement done?

Strange that its only a separation and not a divorce. I think he knows that his fling with OW isn't going to last.

I hope your settlement spells out that you have sole use of the home, and can get locks changed.
I hope it spells out custody/visitation, and that it not take place in your home.
I hope it spells out his responsibility for support.

Then go BLACK DARK PLAN B.

His pointing blame is not your problem.

Black Plan B entails what exactly?

Do not see, talk, e-mail or otherwise be aware of him whatsoever.

Have everything spelled out completely so that even if/when he comes to see the children he doesn't see you.

What about my other questions?

All those things are spelled out.

Ok -- so how often and on what schedule is he visiting the kids? Do you have an intermediary who can handle the arrangements? Can you do an online calendar to keep him updated with kids activities without have to speak or write to him? Can you set up a phone just for the kids to speak to him, so that you do not have to answer it?

Have you written a plan B letter?

Lots of questions. Oh boy. I will have to write the letter. I have caller ID so I can see when he is calling. I will find an intermediary. He plans on seeing the kids every six weeks for the weekend.

Spell out all of these little details, and close all the gaps.

Print out a calendar that specifically shows the weekends he is picking up the children at exactly what time and what time they are to be returned.

Spell out your expectations on phone calls to the children.
That it should not be after #pm.

Name your intermediary. That is who he should contact with any change to the schedule.

Make arrangements for someone else to be present for the pick-ups and drop-offs so that you do not need to see him.

Get the locks changed. He will likely feel entitled to the use of your home. I seriouly doubt he has considered the price of hotels, airfare, feeding and entertaining 2 small children out of their home for a whole weekend.

Does your agreement spell out that OW is not allowed to be present during his visits?