Hi, I posted this in another section. I was told to try the infidelity section, so here I go. Thanks for any advice.

My wife can't stand me. Been married 21 years. The reasons for this "cant standedness" are litte things, things that seem to be annoyances, such as, not being a "fix it guy" ( though, I never was, all through our 6 year courtship, this is not a surprise), not dressing the way she wants me to, not helping when the kids were small (I worked 80-100 hrs a week so she could stay home with the children, like SHE WANTED TO) shes a big time saver, I am not (therefore I GIVE HER MY PAYCHECK, EVERYWEEK, NEVER KEEPING ANY MONEY FOR MYSELF) Uhmm, lets see.... I am too moody (which i am, I must admit, I have a few businesses and those business can really grate on one. ) I don't shave everyday (Business owners shave everyday, she says) I wear a bandana at work (I own restaurants, its fairly common) When I wear a bandana, I become the help, not the owner, she sez.... Icould go on and on, but I wouldn't right now.

She has emotionally divorced me, allowing me to stay in the house, but I am ordered to leave her alone, talk only if absolutely neccesary, don't try to communicate, don't try to become involved (according to her, I never wanted to be involved before, so why would I want to now) I really should have been more involved in the past, its true, I want to be involved now because I love my wife and family dearly, have hit rock bottom and I want to save my life....but that isn't a good reason I guess. The last time I pleaded to try again she called me ugly, fat, unattractive and an embarrassment. She said the only redeeming quality I posess is that I have been faithful.

My question is this. I have kept an eye on evidence of another man. I really can't find any. I have researched the signs and I can't find any. BUt, COuld it be possible that she has a CRUSH on a co worker and for some reason or another, they have NOT become intimate yet?? Could she be carrying a torch, waiting for HIM TO MAKE THE FIRST MOVE, because the guilt would be less? (she is a practicing catholic and that is one of the reasons she is still with me. HER parents have told her that her reasons for this behavior are odd, MY mom has told her the same. My sons have told her to stop, and she basically tells them screw you.

I don't have a drinking problem, a gambling problem, I don't hit her, I give her ALL my money, I don't tell her how to spend it, I used to tell her I love her EVERY SINGLE DAY. I LOVED buying gifts for her, i told her she is the most beautiful women in the world (AND MEANT IT!!!) just about every day. Did I do things wrong? ****** yeah. I admit it. Now that I probably will loose her, I have hit the bottom and will work on my faults.....but this just seems way too much of a punishment because I wasn't the perfect man she thought I was. So what do you think? The only way this scenerio makes ANY SENSE is if there is another man in the picture. Like I said, I can't find any evidence, she has told me to have her followed if I think she is fooling around, so..........I just can;t figure this one out. ANy ideas?


PS: Right now I feel real guilty about letting her down in the past. If another man is involved, directly or indirectly, somehow, I feel less guilty. It's weird. Hey, thanks for ANY help. I know this post seemed to ramble, but all my friends run the other way if they seem me coming lately. They can't stand seeing me cry so friggin much.

Gabagool,

Welcome to MB. I am sorry you are here, but please know you are in a very safe place. I am very new and don't like to offer words of advice as I am still learning so much myself.

There will be lots of people who will come along and support you. I will also check in and see how you are doing.

Please be patient... While you are here, have you read up on the many articles and other posts here? That would be something you can do until others direct you.

Sounds like she is taking you for granted.

She is just making excuses, she obviously doesn't get that relationships require work. She got used to you doing all for her, now it just isn't enough, nor would anything you did ever be.

She needs counseling, you need to stop beating yourself up. I would keep up the "looking for another guy" vigil, just in case. Just don't let that control you.

gabo, I think your wife has given you a gift. She has told you what you do that is annoying her and what has caused her to fall out of love with you. Now, the question is WHAT ARE YOU going to do about it??

She has fallen out of love with you. So you can take what she gave you and turn that around or you can contribute to the drain by ignoring her or fighting about it.

i would continue to keep your eyes peeled for an affair [do some serious snooping] but in the meantime, get these 2 books: Fall in Love, Stay in Love and His Needs, Her Needs by Dr. Harley. [you can buy them cheap here] Those books will help you understand why she has fallen out of love.

Why Women Leave Men

Did her detachment happen SUDDENLY?

Have you had her followed so you could rule out an OM?

gaba,

I was going to suggest the same article Melody linked "Why Women Leave Men".

This is the first time in a really long time that I've said this.....but I don't think this is an affair. I have pretty sensitive radar....but it's not going off.

It's sounds like you're a good husband....but you guys have spent so little time together, and have become so incompatible that her love bank is empty.

I think this isn't as hopeless as you think. Now take off that bandana. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> Welcome to MB

Isn't that funny, I don't sense this is an affair either!

and p.s. take off the bandana, gabo!

Ha!
What is it with the bandana!!!!??? Thanks for your posts. Do you know how hard it is to keep all this crap inside for 8 months, never really sitting down and getting it all off my chest!! It truly is el sucko. I will paste my second post here to try and further clarify what is going on.

Really, whats up with the bandana???? Thick Springsteen, only with a bigger nose......could that be it, my nose??!!! Paste follows:

I will try to be clearer.

1. Love must be tough. James Dobson
2. Divorcebusters
3. Marriage Builders
4. : For Men Only: A Straightforward Guide to the Inner Lives of Women
5.When Love Dies How To Save A Hopeless Marriage Bodmer, Judy
6.Keep your marriage. Dr Nancy Wasson
7. The Man of her dreams, joel and kathy davidsson
8.Save my Marriage Dr. Frank Gunzberg
9 Light her fire, Dr.Ellen Kriedman

I guess I read more than I thought. I had to have these books and tapes delivered to other addressed because my wife would be furious if she knew I wasted money on books. (I love to read and have a nice library, my thing) She also would have called me pathetic for panicking like that.

ALL these books focased on respect. They basically all said the same thing. Give your spouse space. Respect. Patience. Become the man she fell in love with, etc, etc.
I like James Dobsons book the best, because he took the Christian approach to marriage, and I felt that that gave me the best chance at staying married. My wife is a practicing catholic (I am trying to find God now, because frankly I need a miracle and I guess I haven't done such a groovy job in running my own life) In fact, my W tells me that the kids and her religion are the only thing keeping her with my pathetic butt.

Begin with I statements huh? Ok.

My wife has been cold and distant for about five years now. When confronted she told me it was my imagination and that I was a dramatic, emotional,jealous guniea and to get over it.
Well it wasn't my imagination. I FEEL LIED TO. If we tackled it back then we may be in a different situation today.

We had a fight about 8 months ago. She said it was over. I could live there but I was to leave her alone. Not talking, not heart to hearts, no nothing. Just live there, be good to the kids and bring home my check. I FELT USED. But I was happy she didn't leave. So I read, and hoped and prayed and was a PERFECT husband.

Well, six months past, I had a catering party that night, a wedding. The groom had been a repeat client. About a two years ago, his first wife threw him a 25 anniversary party.They were hugging and kissing and saying all the nice things. Now I was catering his second wedding with another wife. It all seemed so phony. It depressed the snot out of me. Well being new years eve, and seeing that I had not approached my wife to discuss anything, I tried. BAD MOVE.
"Oh, you did your wedding tonight didn't you?" "Not your all emotional right?" Well after about a two hour fight, the event could be summed as as:

1. Me asking her to please lets try again. I have hit rock bottom and will do what needs to be done. I love you and i am sorry for my shortcomings. I don't blame her for being dissappointe and I would do my best to make things right.

2 She was FURIOUS, FUMING from the VERY START!! At the end, I had been called UGLY. FAT. UNATTRACTIVE. AN EMBARESSMENT. A LOSER PROVIDER. My only positive is my fidelity!!! This after me leaving her be for 7 months. I mean, not bothering her AT ALL!!!

I statements
I AM PISSED
I FEEL ABUSED
I DON'T LIKE HER VERY MUCH RIGHT NOW
I AM NOT TO BLAME, NOT ONE PERCENTAGE. I WILL NOT TAKE ANY BLAME.
I LOVE HER AND I HATE HER
I WANT HER HAPPY, BUT I ONLY WANT HER HAPPY WITH ME!!!!!
I DON'T DESERVE THIS CRAP!!

My fidelity is 'my only positive'!!!!????! Well thats a pretty damn big positive if you ask me!! I am unatractive huh? Well, there are many, many waitresses and customers that tell me different!!!!!! I fat?? 36 waist, granted not my usual, but fat??? Loser provider? Maybe I am not the best, but I have two businesses, and send our son to a private boarding school, no questions asked!!!! An embaressament!!!!!!! Your husband, the person that would DIE FOR YOU, DIE FOR YOU WITHOUT BATTING AN EYE .....is and embaressment!!!???

Maybe its time, I start doing stuff in preperation for being apart. That ticks her off also. She hates the fact that I would leave the country if we split up. She says that is being dramatic. I think of it as my way of SURVIVING. She doesn't want me here in her life, but she want to be able to tell me what to do!!!

Like I mentioned before. If she was in a mid life crisis, that would answer this strange behavior, but I doubt that is the problem.

She has dared me to have her followed. I cannot find ANY evidence. I haven't checked her phone bill, but I have found nothing in her bedroom, her car. No phone calls and hangups, no incidences of her not being home. I really think its a torch thing. I thing she may be on the verge but for some reason, either OM is not interested (which I can't believe for a minute, she takes my breath away, I litirally forget how to breathe around her, she is so beautiful), or they both haven't gotten up the nerve. I don't know, I don't know.

I just want to make it clear that I KNOW I COULD HAVE BEEN A BETTER HUSBAND. I KNOW. I KNOW I HAVE TRIED TO BE BETTER ONLY TO FALL BACK INTO THOSE ANNOYING TRAITS. But its different now, I have NEVER felt like i would loose EVERYTHING that is dear to me, now I know, all too well.

I hope I was a little clearer. I haven't talked to ANYONE in great length in 8 months (I don't talk to my family at all because I don't want or need a fan section. I know I WAS to blame for this present mess, I am not the perfect person they want me to believe). Thanks for listening.

PS, Lovinganyway, thats a lot of letters after your name,anyway of deciphering that?? Thanks.

What is she willing to do to repair the marriage?

Hmm, same as I said before - she got used to you treating her like gold, now that just isn't enough anymore.

Doesn't seem you have done anything to make her act the way she is, so that leaves it at her doorstep. The fact she is shutting you out completely, and daring you to find her doing anything (or anyone) throws my radar into overload.

You begging and pleading obviously isn't working, so please drop that approach immediately.

I would suggest, if you really do want to save this, that you plan A, which is making yourself better for you, not her. Stop bugging or begging her, live your life to be as successful as you can. If this can be saved, she will be impressed and come for you, you won't have to beg.

If not, you don't need this kind of selfish person in your life.

Good luck. There is a hrd road ahead.

\
It turns her OFF!! She told you that! Did you take off the bandana when she told you that?

Oh my god....are the planets in some weird alignment or something? heheheheheh

gaba....every time you wear that bandana (and probably other sloppy clothes)....you lose massive love units....like a sieve buddy. Personally, I like bandanas (on cool motorcycle guys)....but I'm not your WIFE (and you're not on a Harley...this Dr. Harley's).

So, is the problem that things are not fixed around the house? Can you arrange to have a handy man come do the things she wants done? Some guys are just not good at that but they can hire guys who ARE. My H can fix anything and he does it IMMEDIATELY and i can tell you it makes a HUGE lovebank deposit! My last H fixed nothing, had nothing fixed, and I RESENTED IT. Huge withdrawal.



Did you change this and start dressing the way she wants you to?


Can't change the past, but this kind of stuff leaves lingering resentment for years, as you can see.


What does this mean? That when you are moody you engage in lovebusters? If so, have you STOPPED being "moody?"


Did you change this?


Like we said before, then lose the bandana!

What have you done about all these problems, gabo?

Add another book to that list: Lovebusters by Dr Harley

Is it that you CANNOT fix things, or that you WON'T fix things and they remain neglected because you are off running restaurants? Can you clarify?

{quote] Maybe its time, I start doing stuff in preperation for being apart. That ticks her off also. She hates the fact that I would leave the country if we split up. She says that is being dramatic. I think of it as my way of SURVIVING. She doesn't want me here in her life, but she want to be able to tell me what to do!!![/quote]

I have several things to add… first the quote…

If you’re interested in saving the marriage instead of doing things to “tick her off” why don’t you do things to “turn her on”? Work on fixing you and the things you do that annoy her… she may not say anything at first but I guarantee you she’ll be watching…Just a suggestion….

First of all I concur with the others... I don't think it's an affair...

Second... Is your wife of minority descent? Spanish, Latin, Italian??? The only reason I ask is that many hard core catholic women will refuse to leave a marriage (even if there’s abuse) because they believe its a sin...And if you were married in the catholic church... once you divorce you can't take communion anymore...You are considered to be an adulterer. This may be what’s keeping her with you….Just a thought…

Third I read something in another post about Passive Aggressive personalities…and how they interact with their spouse… If you’re wife has always used silence as a way to punish you in order to get her way she MAY have this trait… (Everyone has it in some degree or another) I may be way of base here but check it out...

Here’s a link to the post… in the first entry is another link to an outside web site describing “Boomerang Relationships"

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/sho...&PHPSESSID=

Did you wear the bandana when she fell for you lo so many years ago?

Marriages often fail because the woman wants the man to change and he doesn't, and the man wants the woman to stay the same and she doesn't.

Woman seem to like to change us. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

SYF, marriages often fail when spouses purposely try to annoy each other or ignore their wishes. In a good marriage, each partner is committed to making the other happy, so losing the bandana should not be an issue. If he knows the bandana annoys her, it only makes sense to stop wearing it IF he wants her to be in love with him. Why would anyone want to purposely annoy their spouse and cause them to fall out of love? That is SELF DEFEATING. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" />

My DH doesn't like me to wear my jogging outfit to town. It bothers him terribly for me to go to town "looking like a Walmart shopper." [even tho we ARE Walmart shoppers! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />] But it is not in my best interest to ignore his wishes so I change before I leave the house. He is happy and feels RESPECTED.

Ok, here we go.

I understand about the bandana, the sloppy clothes etc. BUT, i was like that BEFORE we got married. BEFORE. I want her to wear things that she said she felf UNCOMFORTABLE WEARING. I asked. I pleaded. I begged. Nope. Ok. I wish she would wear this, but she wouldn't. So be it. I love her and so be it. THAT IS FAIR. Now if I held it against her, what kind of husband would I be? Would my love be real,if I let something little like that get in the way??

As far as doing thing around the house. I am not good. I have tried and if it isn't done perfectly, she would get mad. But she wouldn't call a repair man, because she would have to pay. So, what was I supposed to do? I could care less what she paid, AS LONG AS SHE WAS HAPPY. I would NEVER hassle her about money. She is careful with money and I appreciate it. But, sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do.

This bandana thing is really bugging me. Look, I have either totally lost my wife or I am on the brink of losing her, so of course NOW, I would change ANYTHING to keep her. But that is not fair OR realistic. There are MANY things I wish my wife would do different,but she wont. I still love her, I am her husband, forever and always. Clothes, etc mean very little in the scheme of things. We used to go out and eat. She would ALWAYS watch what she eat, always worrying about this calorie or that calorie. I asked her please, just enjoy your food, I could give a rats behind if you gain a few lbs. (She weighed 20 LBS MORE when we got married, it was no big deal.....I LOVE HER.) Would she just eat? Of course not. Well.......thats the way it goes.

I understand what the point about the bandana is, and i should have done it. I wish my wife did things differently, dressed a bit differently, but she is my wife, she was like that when we went out and when we got married. If I ask her to change and she is uncomfortable with that change, how fair is it for me to hold that against her? Simple it is NOT FAIR. But, given my present situation, I should have changed.

As far as me running restaurants, yep if I had to do it over again, I would pick another career. This is way too time consuming. BUT this career pays for my son being at boarding school, which SHE wanted, at $2000.00 per week. what could i do? I have expanded my biz because of HER insecurity at our retirement funds. SHE would always worry about having enough to retire, we always couldn't AFFORD ANYTHING. So, I did the only thing I could do, open another restaurant. Thank god I did, because that school took a nice bite out of things. So if things had to be fixed by someone else, thats the way thing go. What could I do??

I have faults. I am sorry for these faults. I never thought they would end up costing me my marriage.

Melody you posted that MY BANDANA TURNS HER OFF!! Well, ok.
What if my wife packed on 30 or 40lbs, what then. What if THAT TURNS ME OFF!!!!! ?? Somehow, i doubt that the fact that something turns me off would justify my feelings. And you know what? IT WOULDN'T TURN ME OFF, why? Is it because I find obese people particularly attractive? No. Its the fact that I find MY OBESE WIFE attractive. Period. And that is 10000000% the truth. Somethings are just not worth it.

Think of this. My wife is 48 years old. She is 5 ft 1 in.
She weighs 103 lbs. A bit skinny don't you think?? She isn't an athlete, so she isn't toned. She would not exactly be confused with being Dolly Parton at anytime. Her behind, even on a women so skinny, somehow gets bigger and bigger every year. ANd you know what? I wouldn't trade that body in for Jennifer Anniston. And I REALLY MEAN THAT. Noone turns me on more than my wife. She is my fantasy girl!! Because she is my wife, I lust for her, every day. And it matters more to me that she is MY WIFE, than what she looks like. I can't write too well, so I don't know if I am explaining myself correctly. The worst thing about all this mess is that I KNOW that I WILL LOVE HER FOREVER. I will never find a women who I respect, or long after more than her. All that said, I cry every day that I didn't take off that stupid bandana.

sounds like your wife is a real pill. The bandana is really none of her business. If you are comforatble wearing that at work, then she should have nothing to say about it. Now, if you wore it with her, I could understand her issue.

She is a control freak and you have enabled her bad behavior.