I am the FWW and I am the one that reads everything, gets on forums for help, suggested MC. We are almost 6 months out from d-day. My infidelity was not the usual for a woman. It was very short and just sex--I just lost my mind. My question is my H doesn't want to read any books on the subject. He says we are moving forward (which we are). He doesn't want to go back a relieve it when we have put that behind us. Occ. we have a step backwards but it seems to move us forward after the hard part. He has no one that he talks to--that worries me. He says he doesn't want to talk to anyone for a few reasons. He doesn't want anyone to know, our sit. is different than most, there is no one he really trust to talk to about it except me. He hates bringing it up to me because he knows the pain it causes me but I just let him talk and listen and not try to fix him. We have been best friends for so long. I feel more shame and quilt when he brings it up but I try not to let that show. He hasn't asked questions in a long time--I told him everything he wanted to know early on. He doesn't want to read a book or talk to someone that is was the man and not the woman. He loves me so much that he even said that if I did it again he would probably forgive me. I don't ever want to do it again--it was horrible. I love my H so very much. He thinks we should just keep going forward together the way we are and not worry about books, etc... We are moving forward and I know it will take time but I just thought that we need help or something in there. We have been in marriage counseling but after several sessions it just seemed like I needed more work than H. Sorry so long. Is this normal??? I know he hurts but most days he really says he is fine and he loves me and we will get through this it will just take time. Should I "encourage" him to read or talk to someone other than me? Please any advise will be appreciated. Thanks.

Some people don't want to talk much about it, and prefer to just look toward the future instead of the past. Your husband may be one of those.

However, YOU need to continue counseling and work on whatever you think caused you to give yourself permission to betray your marital vows.

With adultery it's never JUST sex. Even if your DH is not willing to dig in to find out what was broken (in you, him, or your marriage), it doesn't mean that you shouldn't continue to do everything in your power to see that it never happens again. Maybe if you figure out your stuff, your DH might see a difference and be willing to address the whys of it.

I'm not qualified to answer your question; someone better will be along soon. (Edit: Oops, they already beat me.) But while I'm here ...

(1) You have a couple of good things going. Presumably you made a voluntary confession and have been honest and faithful since. That would put you ahead of most.

(2) You said that you two are moving forward. So don't panic.

(3) I got a sense that you are trying to quickly process this A, and perhaps by doing so minimize the consequences. But there is no "undo" button and its now part of your marital history. I think these things always take time.

(4) I can be pretty stoic about emotional travesty, or at least I can fake it; this is probably not an uncharacteristic male response.

(5) Dorry's excellent Recovery Guide for Wayward Wives is good reading.

Happily, you've found MB and there is no better time for improving your marriage.

- WG

Thanks for the reminder WG -- where on earth did my manners go?

TigerLady, I'm glad you're here because it's apparent you're serious about recovery. You couldn't have found a better place. There are others here that have walked in your shoes that will come up and walk along beside you if you let them.

Welcome.

WG

Yes, I came clean w/dh he had no idea at all. I have been completely honest and faithful since.

I know moving forward is good--thanks for that--I do tend to panic.

Yes, I am trying to get over and through this very quickly. I want it all to go away and I know it can't.

My dh has trouble faking things. He cannot/won't lie. He has very high integrity and morals and values. He will hold things in to protect me but it shows.

My dh seems to be the most effected by the fact that the one thing we had for 19 yrs was fidelity and now we don't. That is what catches him up from time to time.

Thanks for the reading, I will print it out if I can and read it or just read it online.

princessmeggy,

I am very serious about recovery and making sure this never, ever happens again. Right now I can't even imagine doing it but I don't know what I will feel like in the future. I want to get better and heal and I want my dh to heal but I can't do his part only mine. This wonderful man started trusting me just a couple months post d-day. I kept telling him where I was going, etc.. and he said he didn't need to know. He said maybe he is just to trusting. He know's I spend a lot of time on the computer--we have filters but there are no guarentees. If I come accross something that I feel could be a trigger--I tell my dh. He thinks that others may think he is weak for staying. I told him NO I think others would think him strong for staying. He is truly a wonderful man. After I came clean w him he showed me in so many ways how much he truly loves me. It was the first time that I have ever felt unconditional love. I love him w/ all my heart and I know he loves me. Thanks for your help and I would love support from others that have been there.

"My dh seems to be the most effected by the fact that the one thing we had for 19 yrs was fidelity and now we don't."

This is a very common problem. Too bad he won't read. There are lots of folks on Recovery going through this.