Does anyone have any advise on how to help him cope with the withdrawl? It has been a week and a half since he ended it, and he is starting to go through withdrawl! He tells me that he hates even saying that he is in withdrawl because he thinks that sounds really bad. I have told him that a lot of people say that he will go through it. I just don't know what if anything I should do to try and help him through it? Thanks

I had to work all weekend, which was hard because he and the kids were home. When I got home Sunday morning I ? if he had called her from the home phone, because the do not disturb was off and I checked the last number called on each phone and they were different. The phone in our room had part of my work number, but not the whole thing. I ? if he tried to cover up a number he had called previously. I asked him if he had called her and he said "no why" I told him my suspisions. He told me he didn't and I wasn't really reasurred, but figured I would talk to him after I woke up, b/c I was exhausted. Anyway, he came in to talk to me about noon, which I had just woke up. He told me that it was eating at him all morning and that he had to tell me! He had woke up at about 1:30am and out of habit just dialed her number. He said he hung up right away when he realized what he had done, and she never answered. He said he then started to call my work number to tell me right away, but remembered I had said one of the supervisors was going to be working with me that night. He didn't want to call and get me in trouble.
Last night when I left for work he told me to take the house phones, so I would know if he called her or not. I really didn't want to but I did. I left him my cell phone in case he or the kids needed anything. He ended up calling me at work and was having trouble sleeping. He told me the feeling was almost worse that the phones in the house were gone b/c that meant he couldn't call her. He said before he knew he could, but never really had the desire, but once he realized he couldn't it freaked him out! I'm not sure what to think of this? I told him it might be part of the withdrawl, but I didn't know. He said he didn't want to call, her but there was just something about knowing he couldn't without me knowing! What do you all think? Thanks

Yesterday things were going really well. The kids and I took him supper at work. On our way there he called and I asked if she was working and he said "yes"! I instantly got a nervous stomach, I shouldn't be the one getting nervous. I decided that we would still take him supper b/c I wasn't going to let her being there stop the kids or I from seeing him. I saw her, but she seemed to be avoiding me and him! He told me that they didn't talk at all. He called before he came home and seemed to be in a good mood, but once he got home he seemed really craby. He said he had a headache that wouldn't go away.
I had to go into work this morning, but made sure I gave him a kiss goodbye. I was feeling really good today, util he called me at work. I had printed off the descriptions of the top emotional needs and left them on the table. I was planning on talking to him and explaining that I wanted him to rank his emotional needs, so that I could see what he needed most. However, since he had a headache I didn't get a chance to. When he called this morning he asked "what are you trying to tell me"? He wanted to know what the sheets on the table were for. I explained to him that I wanted him to read the descriptions and rank his needs, so that I knew what was most important to him. He just seemed very short. I called him before I left work and asked if he was going into work early and he said he was just getting ready to leave. I asked if he was upset and he said "no". Then I asked my ever famous ? these days is she going to be working? He got really short and I ended up hanging up very upset! When I got home I was feeling really down and out, but he was still home so I tried not to show it. He was sitting at the table trying to rank his emotional needs. I was happy to see that he was taking time to do what I wanted, but he still just seemed really upset. He asked me what was wrong, and I told him that when he was so short with me on the phone it just sent me back to the day I first found out. That seemed to upset him, it is like he wants me to be able to just forget it all even though it has only been 2 weeks. I know he has a lot of guilt and he says it hurts him to see me hurting b/c he knows he caused all my pain. That is why for the past 2 weeks I have tried to be happy and upbeat. However, being 32 weeks pregnant, taking care of 2 other kids, dealing w/the fact that he had an EA, and trying to be there for him (since I guess I wasn't before) is all a little overwhelming! I am trying to stick with plan A, but it is really hard sometimes. I almost wonder if I am being to nice? He asked me the other day why I was being so nice to him. I just told him I was trying to make him happy because that is all I have wanted to do since we got married and that I realized after the kids he took the back burner, and that I wanted to change that. I guess I feel a little better now that I have done a little venting! Thanks for listening!

Vent away. I certainly understand your feelings. Sometimes it is one step forward, two steps back.

I suspect it is that way for him too. Until there is no contact, I don't think he will be able to get past withdrawl. Think of it like a smoker. Withdrawl is usually its worst during the first 3 weeks. The longer a person goes without nicotine, the fewer and further between the urges arise to smoke. However, smoke one cigarette (for the truly nicotine addicted) and you are almost instantly back to smoking as many cigarettes as you were smoking before you quit. The addictive substance has been reintroduced, the body reacts as if it was never gone, and the withdrawl is just as hard the next time you try to put them down.

As long as he is seeing her and/or talking to her, he is getting a fix, and he will not be able to move past withdrawl to recovery until contact ends. Reaching for the phone to call her as soon as he wakes up, and saying that it was easier with the phones in the house because he knew he "could" call her even though he didn't have a desire to are signs of addiction to me.

You have so much going on right now. I really do empathize with your frustraction, anxiety, and concerns. My prayers are with you, and my best advice is to keep encouraging him to find a new job and end all contact with her forever.

Thank you so much for all your prayers and concern. It means a lot to know that people I don't even know care so much. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />
Yesterday we had our first counceling session, and it went pretty good. He was really nervouse b/c he thought he was going to get ganged up on, but he soon realized that wasn't the case. I really liked the counselors, but not sure I agree with everything they said. The one said he agreed what my H was doing was wrong, but he didn't know if he would classify it as an EA. The reason he said that is because according to my H they never said I Love You or anything like that. However, I still have a hard time with the fact they were talking as much as they were. I guess we will see were the counseling takes us? The past two weeks have actually been really good with a few execptions. I guess it is normal to have ups and downs, but it seems like when the downs hit they hit so hard! I will try to keep everyone posted on our progress <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" /> Thanks

Well this past weekend I think the fog started to lift for me! I realized that he was still hiding something, because he didn't want me to talk to or get any of his friends involved. I decided that wasn't up to him, so I called a friend of his. He told me that he had heard and was not happy with my H. He also told me that one of the times they were out my H told him he was going to go somewhere and he wouldn't tell him where. He ended up telling him the area of town he was going to. When this friend told me this it sent up a red flag because one of the times my H was out he sent me a text saying he was in that part of town, and he really had no reason to be. At that time when I confronted him he just told me more lies to cover up where he had truely been.
So, last night I found out where the OW lived and it was in the same part of town! When he got home last night from work we had a very long talk. He ended up admitting that yes, he had been at her appt., something he has been denying the past two weeks! He told me he didn't tell me because that made it look really bad and he didn't want me to think it was physical, because it wasn't. Now I just don't know what to think? They are the only two who know if it was or wasn't. He told me that he went over there to talk after we found out we were pregnant because like I have said previously neither of us wanted to get pregnant. Instead of talking to me he turned to her. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />
Another time he went over there because she has problems and he thought she sounded suicidal and he wanted to be there for her, since she had been there for him when he needed it. I want to believe him, but he lied to me so much I don't know if I can? Basically the three times he was at her appt. I was at home with the kids and he told me he was going out with one of his guy friends. It kills me to think that he knew he was going over to her place and lying to me to do it! He said the first time it was not a planned thing, he was just upset about the pregnancy and was out with the guys and tried to talk to them, but they were drunk. So he called her and ended up stopping by her appt.
I asked if they ever held hands, kissed, hugged, sat by each other, or what they all did. He admitted that he had actually gave her a hug once at work, but that was it. He said they never sat by each other or anything when he was at her appt. He finally sounded believable last night after he came clean. He told me he didn't care who I talked to anymore b/c he didn't have anything more to hide. He answered all my ? and didn't seem to get annoyed at all.
I had also called a few other people who he worked with and found out that a lot of people started to wonder what was going on between them, b/c a lot of people had noticed how much they were talking and hanging out @ work! Last night he told me that his boss had actually pulled him in to talk to him about it about a week before I found out. He told him that he didn't know what if anything was going on between them, but he told them that people were starting to talk! My husband said that was a wake up call, because he started to realize how out of hand it was getting. For the first time in two weeks I finally saw my H being totally honest! Now I actually feel like we can start the recovery process. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

CS,

I'm so glad that you feel like you are making progress. I'm not convinced that recovery will be possible while he still has contact with her, but I'm no expert. If your situation is like mine, this won't be the last round of truthful revelations. I learned new things over the course of several months. Just when I thought I had all the details, something new would come out. One of my husband's biggest love busters was protective lying... sometimes he thought he was protecting my feelings, and sometimes he knew he was trying to protect himself.

I don't tell you this to burst your bubble. It was a big part of that one-step-forward-two-steps-back dynamic we were talking about. I just don't want you to feel defeated if you find yourself back on the emotional roller coaster.

I am also very sorry that you are here, but I completely understand why. My H was talking and texting a coworker for a while during my second pregancy. This was almost three years ago. I asked him time and time again over the past two and a half years if anything physical happened. Of course he always denied it. Actually, he had a very intimate affair with this coworker. She even came to my house to be with him when I was not here. He finally admitted it to me about a month ago. The actual A began just a couple of weeks after my son was born.
This is not to say that your H is having an affair with this coworker, but one an emotional bond has been made, the rest progresses very quickly. Any converstation beyond a professional one is not appropriate. There is nothing wrong with you addressing this with him, but we all know that when someone feels guilty, they will respond with a defensive attitude. I have found that trying to stay calm and expressing more how his actions are making me feel rather than attack him personally, I have been able to get more accomplished with him.

Best wishes, and take care of yourself and the baby.

We had counseling last Tuesday and things went really well. We revealed to the counselor that he had been to her appt. My H truely felt bad and after the counseling the guilt he felt about this whole situation took its toll. He ended up passing out Wednesday and I think it was due to the stress he feels. He is aware that he brought this on himself, but I told him we will work through it together!
I had sent the OW a letter expressing my pain and hurt. I don't know why but it made me feel better and I figured why not let her see what she has done to my family. I knew after I sent the letter that she would end up calling my H. I think that was another reason he passed out b/c he was stressing about having to see her at work Wed night. Anyway since he didn't go to work on Wed, she called him at work on Thursday. He told her to F off and never talk to him again. When he left to come home for lunch he found a Valentine on his car. We can only assume it was from her because it was bought at a store near her house and shortly after their phone conversation ended. Neither him or I understand why she would buy him a Valentine after being told to F off!
Friday I took the kids to stay with the grandparents all weekend. It was so nice to know we would have the entire weekend together. Friday night we ordered in food and rented a movie. Saturday we went for massages in the morning and then went shopping together. It was really nice just spending time together without kids. This was the first weekend in 4 years that we were alone without kids and not working! Saturday night we went out for supper and after supper he decided to stop by work to get his check. We didn't think she was working, but she was! He avoided her the entire time he was in the store getting his check. He even made another manager walk out with him so that she wouldn't approach him. After we left she tried to call his cell phone, but when I answered it she hung up. He felt horrible because we were having such a good time and he felt like her calling ruined it. Yes, I was upset that she tried to call. It made me wonder why she would continue to try and talk to him after he told her he didn't want to talk to her anymore. I believe my H, but when she does things like give him a Valentine and try to call him I have to wonder. Did he tell her not to call? Was there more to the relationship? or Did she think there was more than he did? If so what did he do to make her think there was more? I just have so many ? and no one to really answer them. I really do believe my husband, but I don't understand her actions! Thanks

Right after I found out about my H's A, my kids spent the weekend with my parents and we did exactly the same thing! It IS great to have time for just the two of you. It is so hard to get everything out in the open. In fact, my H was still telling "little" lies (if there is such a thing) about insignificant things all month. I was not trying to catch him lying, it was the fact that he just kept doing it and the stories were changing. Well, Thursday night, I told him I was done with the lying. What happened in the past cannot be changed, but he was making bad choices that hurt me now...and that's not okay. I told him that if he wanted us to make it, and if he wanted me to even try, then he would have to come clean on everything...EVERYTHING. I told him that if he couldn't remember something to write it down. Well, I kind of got what I asked for. He did tell me everything, including those details I did not want to really know. He still works with her, so we are dealing with that now. Still, it sounds like you are creating positive bonds with him again. They do feel so wonderful. Just be careful. Our MC told me that it would get worse before it got better, and she was so right. I am hoping that now it can get a little better each day.
Keep building the positives!

confused_spouse, it's time for hubby to change his number.

How are you doing CS?

I'm leaving the Crossing the Line quizz out for DH to find on the desk. He considers only PA a real affair. One thing I noticed right off the bat when dating him that his so-called platonic friendships were awfully flirty. Then ... night before wedding ... find out these 'friends' knew more about what was in his head and heart than I did.

He gave them up for the most part for a while, but whenever we hit rough times, right back to the flirty-wirty/lovey-dovey 'just friends' stuff, "Memories pressed between the pages of time..." "No matter what you do, I will always love you," "I love you doll!" "I'll always love you." "Love you, love you, love you." ... complaining the women are too fat for PAs ... then complaining that I'm too skinny (and I'm still losing weight from stress!)

I was in shock that he thought these were platonic friendships. If I had led men on like that, they would have considered me a cruel b*. But DH does anything to/with those 'platonic' friends for ego strokes. (All the while calling them fat, ugly hillbillies who don't take care of themselves behind their backs!)

I scored these for him. He gets 5-6 except for ex-wife; I don't know what he would have gotten there. So not quite official EAs, but definitely on the slippery slope. I'm thinking ex-wife score would have been a 7 or 8. (I forbid contact and plan to officially separate if he resumes contact.)

Didn't write the scores on the quiz.

I am doing pretty good, thanks for asking! Well, I don't have to worry about them working together anymore. My H just lost his job yesterday <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" /> I know that it will be helpful with our recovery in the long run, but it is really bad timing. We only have about 5 weeks until our due date and I wouldn't be to suprised if we deliver in the next 2 weeks sometime! I know that I wanted him to get a different job, but I was hoping he would have a new one lined up and then quit. His boss had talked to him a few times about being late and the OW. Well he worked this past weekend and she was off, but came into the store both days. My H didn't talk to her, but his boss doesn't like that this ever happened. Also he was a little late for work on Friday, so they used that against him as well.
His boss talked to the OW, but as far as we know she still has a job. Which I would think if one gets fired they both should. However, his boss did offer to try and get him a job at the other store in town <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" /> I guess I don't understand if he let him go why he would be so nice as to help him get a new job? I think it is very nice of him to offer, but I just don't understand it.
It almost feels like a really bad dream and that I will eventually wake up and things will be "normal". I am just tired of all the stress, and now we are going to have added financial stress! My H feels horrible and has a ton of guilt which he should because he knows he is the one who caused this. However, it really hurts me to see him beating himself up so much. He suffers from anxiety issues anyway and the past few weeks have been really hard for him.
It seems like the counseling is working for us. He enjoys going and we are starting to try and figure out what caused us to drift apart in the first place. It is also nice for both of us to get advice from a neutral party that has no connection to either of us. They have been able to give us some really good scriptures to read and homework assignments. It kind of hard to for me to let God have control and guide us, because I tend to be a controlling person. I want to thank everyone for keeping us in your thoughts and I hope and pray that my H finds a new job very soon. Thanks Confused Spouse

As far as reading the texts goes... if you have the phone, you can buy a SIM card reader. I almost did that. I have no experience with them and after my H admitted everything, I just couldn't go through with it. It would be too painful. I already spend much of my time thinking about the OW. The only place that I was able to find the SIM card readers was ebay. I quit researching after he came clean, so before you did anything like that you may want to be sure that it will work. I just needed to do something at the time. Also, they are under $10.

As far as reading the texts goes... if you have the phone, you can buy a SIM card reader. I almost did that. I have no experience with them and after my H admitted everything, I just couldn't go through with it. It would be too painful. I already spend much of my time thinking about the OW. The only place that I was able to find the SIM card readers was ebay. I quit researching after he came clean, so before you did anything like that you may want to be sure that it will work. I just needed to do something at the time. Also, they are under $10.

You may want to check into a SIM card reader (if you have the phone). I had looked into it - I was desperate to know everything. I didn't end up purchasing one though and am not sure how well they work(you can buy them on ebay for under $10). If the texts were purposely deleted, then they obviously were inappropriate. If you are going to follow through with reading the texts, perhaps enlist a friend/family member to come over and stay w/ you.

Hope this helps...

Well I have a few updates since my last post! We delivered our new baby boy on Thursday the 20th of March. He was a very healthy 7lbs. 11oz. It has been two months since I found out about my husbands "emotional" affair and I thought things were going great. He ended up loosing his job and finding a new one, so that really helped that they no longer worked together.
However, this past Saturday was suppose to be one of the happiest days of our lives because we were bringing our new baby home. Well it turned out to be one of the worst and most devistating days of my life! That morning one of the OW friends called our house to see if I was home from the hospital yet. My sister told her I wasn't because she didn't know who she was. My H actually came to the hospital and told me that she had called and could tell that I was very upset that this was being thrown in my face again. I decided to call her friend back to find out why they can't leave us alone. She ended up telling me that my H was lying to both the OW and me.
Apparently he had told the OW he had cancer and they wanted to know if that was the truth or not. He doesn't have cancer so I thought this was a sick demented thing they were doing. Her friend told me that he had still been talking to the OW. I was in denial and told her that he wasn't. After talking to her friend I decided to call the OW. I asked her why she wouldn't leave us alone. She told me that she had hoped for more with my H and that she cared about him a lot. I told her that I would appreciate it if she would just leave us alone because we were trying to work things out.
Well, later that night after we got home from the hospital the OW called and told me that he had told her he loved her and that they had still been talking on a regular basis. I didn't believe her, but then she told me she had voice messages if I wanted to hear them. Thinking I was calling her bluff I told her she could come over and I wanted to hear them. I got a whole lot more than I ever bargained for. There was a voice message from him telling her he loved her and how much he cared for her. She then showed me on her phone how he had called her from the hospital the night I was in labor! She also showed me were he had called her from our sons preschool the morning after we delivered. She also told me that he had been at her appt. the morning after we delivered, and I knew it was the truth because she knew exactly what he was wearing and what he had said on the phone to me. Once I realized that everything my H had told me the past 2 months had been a lie I decided to ask the dreadful ?. How far did it go? She said it went farther then it should have. He had told me that they had hugged, so I asked if they had kissed and yes they had. I asked if they had sex and she said yes! My H tried denying it until she was able to describe his tan lines and how he hates to take his shirt off because he is insecure. He then finally admitted that they had sex!
She also told me that she had been at our house at night while I was at work. After she ended up leaving I asked my H if they ever had sex in our house and he admitted that they had! I asked him he used a condom and he told me no! It makes me sick to think what we both now might have! I asked when the last time they had sex was and he told me two weeks ago. I asked him if Thursday morning after I gave birth and he was at her appt if he kissed he and he said yes! I asked if they had sex and he said no she wanted to but he said no.
He tells me that it was hard for him to pull away from her because they were so close, but he didn't want to tell me that because then he would have to tell me how close they were. He said he really was trying it was just taking longer than he thought. I told him having sex two weeks ago is a funny way of pulling away! To try and wrap this up, he wants to try and work things out with me, or so that is what he is telling me. He is promising to do anything I want or need him to do to try and make this right. The only time he has left the house is for work. I have so many mixed emotions running through me right now with just giving birth that I don't know what I want or what I need to do. I told him that if it was just me in the relationship his A** would have been kicked to the curb, but since we have 3 wonderful children I feel like I should at least try and give it a chance. However, I gave him one chance already and he F'd it up. I already told him the house is going on the market because either way I can't stay here knowing what he did in our very own house. I just don't know how to get past the hurt and pain of him having sex with another woman. I will always have that image in my head and I don't know if I will ever be able to let him touch me again.
Any advice that anyone has to offer is greatly appreciated because like I said I have way to many emotions to try and make any decisions. Thanks

CS, CONGRATULATIONS on your new, healthy, baby boy!!!

I am so sorry that you are dealing with all of this instead of just being able to enjoy being a new mom again. I don't have any advice to offer you right now. Just wanted you to know that I am happy to hear that all went well with your delivery and so sad that you are experiencing the marital pain that has been heaped on you.

It would be a good idea for you to start (or reactivate if you already have one) a thread on the "General Questions" board. I think you will find more guidance there, since the traffic is higher on that board.