Welcome to the
Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum

This is a community where people come in search of marriage related support, answers, or encouragement. Also, information about the Marriage Builders principles can be found in the books available for sale in the Marriage Builders® Bookstore.
If you would like to join our discussion forum, please read the Announcement Forum for instructions, rules, & guidelines.
The members of this community are peers and not professionals. Professional coaching is available by clicking on the link titled Coaching Center at the top of this page.
We trust that you will find the Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum to be a helpful resource for you. We look forward to your participation.
Once you have reviewed all the FAQ, tech support and announcement information, if you still have problems that are not addressed, please e-mail the administrators at mbrestored@gmail.com
Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
#2015900 01/27/08 06:21 PM
Joined: Jan 2008
Posts: 7
M
Junior Member
OP Offline
Junior Member
M
Joined: Jan 2008
Posts: 7
hello all, down to the meat heres whats going on:

i married my wife when she was 18 and i was already in the military. a week or so after we got married, we found out she was pregnant. a couple of months after that we had to move to texas for training i had (it was an 8 month tour). a couple of months after we get to texas she moves back in with her mom in missouri because it was her first time away from home and she was pregnant. she has our first daughter (i was able to take leave and be with her for it) and a month later i move back to missouri. i had a rough childhood without a father (or a decent one to speak of) and it was hard for me to adjust having a kid. our marriage was never really a good one we were distant from each other but trying to stay together. 15 months later we are pregnant again. things are looking better but we get orders to georgia. again she is very homesick and travels back and forth to missouri often. feb of last year she went to stay with her mom while i had to go on a tdy for more training. it was only a couple of weeks and when i get home she says she doesnt want to come home. of course i was shattered. we talked for a month or so trying to work out things over the phone. she agrees to come back and we go to marriage counseling. we only went 3-4 times because it seemed we were doing much better. she says the reason she left was because i was emotionally cold and i didnt help her with the girls and i always blamed her for everything, no matter how minute. she was right. things seemed better after that. a few months later (june) i got an assignment to an overseas base. i put in for us to go together as a family. the next month my youngest daughter had a seizure. the doctors discovered a condition that ultimately eliminated her from being able to go overseas. my wife and i talked and we thought it would be a good idea for me to go alone (its a 15 month tour) so we could save money to buy a house at our next location. she moved in with her grandmother in missouri and pays low rent to help save money. ive been gone 3 months (i left in nov) and last wednesday night she tells me over the phone that she doesnt think she can "do this" anymore. shes says shes not sure if she loves me and she wants a separation. ive been in tears for the last 5 days. she seems so cold about everything when i talk to her on the phone for the short amounts of time she allows me, like shes already convinced that its over. im desperate. i went to church today to pray, even though ive been an atheist since 1997. ive talked to the psychologist here on base and the chaplin. they both tell me that she should talk to someone also, but when i mention it she gets angry. she hasnt even told her mom or grandma yet, and im supposed to going to see them next month (which was arranged before this). im hurting so much. i dont want to see this marriage end and im so afraid i might end up like my worthless father if, god forbid, we do get a divorce and she gets custody. please if anyone can give me insight im trying to learn everything i can. thank you.

Joined: Jan 2008
Posts: 7
M
Junior Member
OP Offline
Junior Member
M
Joined: Jan 2008
Posts: 7
also, i forgot to add, that since shes been staying back in missouri shes been going out on the weekends and leaving the kids with her mom. i know she needs to get out of the house (she doesnt work) and blow off some steam, but the thing that bothers me is that her best friend there cheated on her husband while he was deployed and divorced him, and thats the friend shes been going out with. shes told me before that she likes when guys pay her attention and tell her shes beautiful (which i stopped and im so sorry) even though from the outside you can plainly see its all false; guys in bars only want one thing. should i be worried about this or is this the kind of thing that happens on normal girls night out?

also, when she told me about the separation she deleted me off of her myspace and set it to private. should this be a concern or is it normal? i dont want her to erase me like out of sight out of mind.

Joined: May 2002
Posts: 6,087
R
RIF Offline
Member
Offline
Member
R
Joined: May 2002
Posts: 6,087
Hey beggarx,

I replied on your other thread... You might want to consider moving your thread over to the GQII board as they get more traffic.

I hate to have to say this, but based on what you've shared with us, I'd say that your W is either in an A now, or thinking very hard about having one...

Before you start thinking all is lost, please understand that YOU are not responsible for her actions. If she is in an A, you need to know that it IS possible to rebuild your M if that is your desire.

Keep reading the articles here and learn about they dynamics of an A... why they start, what you can do to help hasten the end of the A, and what you can do to rebuild your M.

There are many great people here that have been right where you are... including myself.

Give us a shout with any questions that you have and please, keep talking with your Chaplain.

Semper Fi,

RIF


Me, BS

Her, Forgiven

Married Dec 86

Multiple A's that ended '90

Rebuilding In Faith since then...

Currently deployed to Iraq, but TEXAS is Home!
RIF #2015903 02/05/08 02:18 PM
Joined: Feb 2007
Posts: 9
F
Junior Member
Offline
Junior Member
F
Joined: Feb 2007
Posts: 9
Hello beggarx,

I agree with what RIF said in the previous response. You need to keep talking to your chaplain and getting the help you need to keep going forward.

As a daughter of a career military man, I have some familiarity with the challenges you describe with the moving around and being away for long periods of time. I understand that one of the things that really bothers you is you want to be a good father to your kids. No matter what the outcome of your marriage with your wife, you can still be a good father. It may not be easy, but it is possible. You won't be like your father since you have already set that in your mind you won't. You've committed to being a father just as you've committed to being a husband.
It is concerning what you have written about your W's behavior. She shouldn't be keeping secrets from you like she is when she deletes you from her myspace and sets it to private. It is normal for guys to hit on women when they are out for a girl's night - but it is not normal for a married woman to reciprocate with someone who is not her H.
Overall, it sounds like she needs help. Whatever her problems are it doesn't sound like she is sharing them with you. The only thing you can do is stay on course with what you are trying to do. Stay on topic when you do get to talk, don't allow it to disinigrate into a fight.
I know the reality of the military is you just can't up and quit. But, you may have to consider seriously changing careers if you want to stay close to your family and not be seperated for long periods.
As hard as it is to accept, some people are able to cope with the demands of that lifestyle and some can't. Your W may have thought she could, but can't admit to anyone that she's not as strong as she thought. Instead she is closing off and running away. You are not responsible for her actions, only yours.
I do hope that you re-post your question and get more answers on another board.

Good Luck

fast_horses


Moderated by  Fordude 

Link Copied to Clipboard
Forum Search
Who's Online Now
0 members (), 16 guests, and 43 robots.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Newest Members
Mwid, Shepherd, alg, Pelican89, SRL
71,673 Registered Users
Forum Statistics
Forums67
Topics133,526
Posts2,322,551
Members71,673
Most Online3,185
Jan 27th, 2020
Building Marriages That Last A Lifetime
Copyright © 1995-2020, Marriage Builders®. All Rights Reserved.  |  Web Development by SunStar Media.
Site Navigation
Powered by UBB.threads™ PHP Forum Software 7.7.5