Welcome to the
Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum

This is a community where people come in search of marriage related support, answers, or encouragement. Also, information about the Marriage Builders principles can be found in the books available for sale in the Marriage Builders® Bookstore.
If you would like to join our discussion forum, please read the Announcement Forum for instructions, rules, & guidelines.
The members of this community are peers and not professionals. Professional coaching is available by clicking on the link titled Coaching Center at the top of this page.
We trust that you will find the Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum to be a helpful resource for you. We look forward to your participation.
Once you have reviewed all the FAQ, tech support and announcement information, if you still have problems that are not addressed, please e-mail the administrators at mbrestored@gmail.com
Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 1 of 4 1 2 3 4
#2018097 02/01/08 03:47 PM
Joined: Dec 2004
Posts: 2,033
F
Member
OP Offline
Member
F
Joined: Dec 2004
Posts: 2,033
It appears as though Recovery will not be successful.

It has been over 3 years and Patriot has continued to be dishonest with me. The most recent discovery being lying about the content of his conversations with a female co-worker.

He still maintains that he didn't do anything wrong by having these conversations with her, yet still he chose to hide it from me.

He said that he hid it from me not because he was doing anything wrong, but because he didn't trust my judgment not to overreact.

I feel completely lost and afraid and the only choices I see laid out before me are either to continue to live this way or to end my marriage.

If anyone feels the need to point out to me that this is what happens when you marry someone who lies to you, I am already aware of that.

However, it being my fault that I am hurting doesn't seem to be making it hurt less at this moment.

frozen1229 #2018098 02/01/08 03:55 PM
Joined: Apr 2007
Posts: 2,583
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: Apr 2007
Posts: 2,583
{{{{{{{frozen}}}}}}}}

I don't really know much about your story, frozen, but my heart is sad that you are still dealing with lying after 3 years.


Happily married to HerPapaBear



frozen1229 #2018099 02/01/08 03:56 PM
Joined: Sep 2005
Posts: 10,044
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Sep 2005
Posts: 10,044
Quote:

He said that he hid it from me not because he was doing anything wrong, but because he didn't trust my judgment not to overreact.





fog-speak

Quote:

I feel completely lost and afraid and the only choices I see laid out before me are either to continue to live this way or to end my marriage.





I am sorry for your pain. It is sad that after three years, he still doesn't get it. Don't choose to live with deception on any level.

I am sorry you are going through this. It isn't your fault.

medc #2018100 02/01/08 03:58 PM
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{frozen}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


MelodyLane #2018101 02/01/08 04:00 PM
Joined: Sep 2005
Posts: 10,044
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Sep 2005
Posts: 10,044
Is Patriot92 your H?

MelodyLane #2018102 02/01/08 04:01 PM
Joined: Jun 2007
Posts: 6,643
Q
Member
Offline
Member
Q
Joined: Jun 2007
Posts: 6,643
{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{frozen}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

There aren't any words to make it better, but please know that we all care that you are hurting and in pain after all this time.


BS 52, FWH 53, Married 1-1-84
D-day 5-14-07, WH moved in with OW
Plan A 9 months, DARK Plan B 3-17-08 until 3-2-09
WH and OW broke up 1-09
Started over 7-09
Joined: Dec 2002
Posts: 15,310
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Dec 2002
Posts: 15,310
Why do you consider it YOUR FAULT that you are hurting?

This was done to you.

You are the VICTIM.

Don't blame YOURSELF.

A GREAT BIG HUG GOING OUT TO YOU...


I made it happen..a joyful life..filled with peace, contentment, happiness and fabulocity.
Joined: Dec 2004
Posts: 2,033
F
Member
OP Offline
Member
F
Joined: Dec 2004
Posts: 2,033
Quote:

Is Patriot92 your H?





Yes.

I feel utterly terrified. I don't have the money to leave. He said that he won't leave.

My son, 18 lives with us. We never told him about the A. He is a senior this year. I made bad relationship choices in the past and as a result, he has suffered. He loves Patriot and I am afraid to tell him. I don't want to hurt him.

He is supposed to go to a great college in the fall. Patriot was going to help me pay for it. If I leave, I don't know how I can do that by myself. I don't want to ruin my son's life. I keep thinking that if I can just deal with a little bit more, I can avoid that outcome.

I'm really scared right now.

I feel like I can't take another day of this and I can't seem to get ahold of myself.

frozen1229 #2018105 02/01/08 04:17 PM
Joined: Dec 2004
Posts: 2,033
F
Member
OP Offline
Member
F
Joined: Dec 2004
Posts: 2,033
Quote:

Why do you consider it YOUR FAULT that you are hurting?





Because I married him after D-Day.

frozen1229 #2018106 02/01/08 04:21 PM
Joined: Sep 2005
Posts: 10,044
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Sep 2005
Posts: 10,044
Quote:

Well, I am not a WS anymore, but I don’t think there is such a vast chasm between the two.




Well, this is a very recent quote from him. Sounds like a hypocrite to me. If you are lying for any reason to the woman you emotionally raped...you are a WS....and a fraud.

Expose this to your son. He deserves the truth. Your H has already hurt him...he just doesn't know about it yet.
I assume since you said "your son" that it is not Patriots son. If that is the case, find a way to pay for it. There is always a way to make it work. I would bet that your son would not want to take money from this "man" that is abusing his mother.

Taking control will make you less scared....but it will be there on some level. I am sorry.

medc #2018107 02/01/08 04:23 PM
Joined: Dec 2004
Posts: 2,033
F
Member
OP Offline
Member
F
Joined: Dec 2004
Posts: 2,033
Quote:

Taking control will make you less scared




I don't know how.

I have $200 to my name and I don't see a way out of this.

frozen1229 #2018108 02/01/08 04:24 PM
Joined: Sep 2005
Posts: 10,044
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Sep 2005
Posts: 10,044
Quote:

Because I married him after D-Day.





Bad decision...yes. But it is not your fault. Now, letting him lie from this point forward without consequence would be making that bad decision worse.

frozen1229 #2018109 02/01/08 04:26 PM
Joined: Sep 2005
Posts: 10,044
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Sep 2005
Posts: 10,044
Quote:

I have $200 to my name and I don't see a way out of this.




you have NO marital assets? Do you work? Does he work?

medc #2018110 02/01/08 04:33 PM
Joined: Nov 2007
Posts: 1,560
R
Member
Offline
Member
R
Joined: Nov 2007
Posts: 1,560
I'm so sorry to hear this news, frozen. I wish you all the best and hope that your faith in God will help calm your fears and sadness. You will be in my thoughts and prayers.


Peace,
LaLa

FWW(me) 37
BS 38
DS 9 & 5
PA 7/06-8/06
Dday 2/17/07

Fogapalooza-My Babbly Beginning
My Story
medc #2018111 02/01/08 04:34 PM
Joined: Dec 2002
Posts: 15,310
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Dec 2002
Posts: 15,310
Patriot is legally obligated to help support you, Froz.

I agree with MEDC.

Your son is old enough to handle the truth of this.

You are helping him not hurting him by telling him THE TRUTH.

He can get a STUDENT LOAN to help pay for college.


I made it happen..a joyful life..filled with peace, contentment, happiness and fabulocity.
mimi_here #2018112 02/01/08 04:38 PM
Joined: Dec 2002
Posts: 15,310
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Dec 2002
Posts: 15,310
What was the nature of his conversations with this woman?

How did you find out?

Sometimes it helps to talk about it...get it off of your chest...


I made it happen..a joyful life..filled with peace, contentment, happiness and fabulocity.
mimi_here #2018113 02/01/08 04:53 PM
Joined: Dec 2000
Posts: 3,454
B
Member
Offline
Member
B
Joined: Dec 2000
Posts: 3,454
guys - I've spoken with Froz on the phone a few minutes ago. She is getting ready for a family dinner tonight, so I am not sure she'll be around.

I've encouraged her to not take immediate actions, to stop talking to Pat about this, and to ask Pat to put all discussion on hold until the Harleys can intervene and negotiate the next steps (whatever those steps need to be).

Please support her in not making any immediate, life altering decisions while she is so vulnerable and emotional.


~ Pain is a given, misery is optional ~
BrambleRose #2018114 02/01/08 04:54 PM
Joined: Dec 2002
Posts: 15,310
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Dec 2002
Posts: 15,310
Thank God you're there for her, BR.

My heart was aching for her.


I made it happen..a joyful life..filled with peace, contentment, happiness and fabulocity.
mimi_here #2018115 02/01/08 05:04 PM
Joined: Aug 2006
Posts: 3,423
W
Member
Offline
Member
W
Joined: Aug 2006
Posts: 3,423
I'm so sorry to read this, froz. My heart goes out to you.

Take each moment as it comes.

Talk to the Harley's......

As you know, you are not alone.

Fox

Joined: Sep 2005
Posts: 10,044
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Sep 2005
Posts: 10,044
I am not one for thinking the Harley's should be the next step here. I see them as coaches to help with marital issues(to recover a marriage). When a WS is still lying three years after d-day..it would be an attorney that I would recommend anyone speaking with. That's just me.

I am glad BR is there for her too.

Last edited by mkeverydaycnt; 02/01/08 06:44 PM.
Page 1 of 4 1 2 3 4

Moderated by  Fordude 

Link Copied to Clipboard
Forum Search
Who's Online Now
2 members (anchorwatch, 1 invisible), 31 guests, and 64 robots.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Newest Members
CVT, Olivia 80, Brad344, Bobbyboy341, Steve123
71,697 Registered Users
Forum Statistics
Forums67
Topics133,536
Posts2,322,686
Members71,698
Most Online3,185
Jan 27th, 2020
Building Marriages That Last A Lifetime
Copyright © 1995-2020, Marriage Builders®. All Rights Reserved.  |  Web Development by SunStar Media.
Site Navigation
Powered by UBB.threads™ PHP Forum Software 7.7.5