agg, you keep agreeing with me! this must be some sort of a record for us. maybe in my older age here i am becoming a stick in the mud (God help me no)..

anyway, i am rooting for you too eye, and most other posters by this point would have frustrated the h*ll out of me. i am rooting that you get strong, and that you move on with your life. i think you will eventually get fed up with her fence sitting and her keeping you as the fall back guy. you are going to want more than that eventually and you DESERVE MORE THAN THAT.

mlhb

michelle - You may be right. In some ways, I'm looking forward to her moving out so I can see what life is like without her around all the time, and if it is only her proximity that causes the strong feelings, or if it is really her. She is in a huge internal struggle now, not with me and the guy in Texas or anything like that, with where she is going in life. She's figuring out who she is now, and I don't think either of us know how we fit together long term. As I've said, I've seen the woman she can be underneath come out many times, only to fall back under the weight of all her baggage. I'm hopeful that she can cast off the baggage (or most of it) over the next few years. Am I going to sit on the sidelines of my life and just wait three years for her? Of course not, even though some posts may sound that way. However, is she always going to be a contender for my love? Definitely. And without a handy dandy crystal ball, I don't know how it will end up. I'll keep doing that work on myself, I'll see what work she does on herself, and I'll keep working (and hopefully she will, too) on improving our communications. There are no guarantees on anything.

AGG - I'll clarify my screen name a bit. My "Prize" is a happy, healthy, stable, fulfilling relationship, and not necessarily with my ex. Is she my first choice at this point? Absolutely, because we are so close to each other and because we had a lot of very good times and because we still love each other. Is she my only choice? Well, as of today there is no one else, and who knows whether or not there will be in 3 months or 6 months or 3 years?

She's out of town visiting a girlfriend this weekend, so I'm fairly certain this will be a drama free weekend. I plan to get to the gym, maybe catch a GA meeting or two, catch up on some work, possibly hang out with some friends, and just look out for myself for a few days.

I know, this is scary... Maybe I am becoming too laid back in my old age, yikes.. Next thing you know, cats are sleeping with the dogs, pigs are flying, and the world as we know it goes to pot...

OK, let's make a deal - we will limit our agreements to Eye's thread only, deal? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />.

AGG

Ironically, my chihuahua puppy and one of my cats sleep together in the bed with me <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Okay, you guys are going to be (at least semi) proud of me this time. So much for drama free. She calls me that the COBRA administrator from my insurance had finally returned a call and that she had to have the form in today and there was no way she could do it from downtown LA. She asked me if I could follow up for her. I told her I wasn't sure I had the time to do it today, which prompted a "Well, I guess I just won't have insurance" response. I eventually agreed that I would call the woman to find out what was up, however not after telling her that it was a major inconvenience to my work day and that it wasn't my responsibility.

And the clincher...I called the woman and the form really isn't due today. There was part of me that wanted to fill it out for her anyway, just out of habit, and I instead just texted her that I had spoken to the woman and that the form wasn't due today. She can handle this herself.

She was definitely taken aback that I took the attitude I did. Good.

Good work!

AGG

Yay! Good for you! Much more attractive!

Really? That is totally counter-intuitive to me. In my mind, she gets pissed off that I wouldn't help her out. Although I guess I did help her out a bit, and just made her aware that it was an imposition on me.

Can you explain why its more attractive? I am really struggling with this.

It's counterintuitive to you becasue you think that her getting pissed means you are doing something wrong. And that is not the case. You see, over the past nine years you created patterns - the way I see them, the pattern is that you were her dad, always looking out for her, protecting her, ready to catch her when she falls. And now, even after the divorce, you are maintaining that pattern. So, she likes the pattern, which is why she gets pissed when you break it - but she does not respect you. Does that make sense?

So, when you break the pattern, she initially gets pissed - how dare you not be there for her under her thumb?? But, the reality is that when you continue to show her that you are not under her thumb, she will actually respect and appreciate you, something that she does not do now.

She takes you for granted now - so you keep the peace, but she doesn't respect you. Let her get pissed, but in the long run, she'll respect you more when you show her that you are not her slave/dad/errand boy.

AGG

AGG - Thanks...that makes a lot more sense now. I really appreciate that posting.

yes agg, we must keep it to this thread only lest people think that i am getting soft and digressing to being in so much agreement with a known stick in the mud <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

HA!

oh eye, you are taking baby steps, it is better than nothing. i wouldn't have called for her though. that comment of hers "well i guess i won't have insurance than" i would have nicely said, "no, i guess you won't if you don't get this taken care of. let me know how you make out" she said that just to make you feel guilty so you would do it for her. it is called MANIPULATION and she seems to be a master of it.

mlhb

Agreed <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" />.


Yeah, or an even more effective tool I learned when dealing with a manipulator:

her: "well i guess i won't have insurance"
you: " I guess..."

AGG

Oh, I totally knew the "I guess I won't have insurance" comment was a guilt thing. I'm Jewish...I know guilt when I see it. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

If I had known the deadline for getting in the paperwork really wasn't today, I wouldn't have called for her. However, much like the "12 minutes to go" deal from yesterday, its something I would have done for any friend. My text message to her was pretty terse, because I was annoyed that she created this deadline out of thin air, and she hasn't responded, which doesn't shock me. Let her pout if she needs to.

AGG - You posted as I was posting. I eventually got to that point with my mom (a classic martyr)..."I guess I'll have to do the dishes myself." "Knock yourself out, mom."

Frankly, I took a little pity because I knew she was sitting with her best friend, who is also a friend of mine, and really didn't want to start an argument in front of her.

And yet you married someone just like her, tsk tsk tsk <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />.


Again, it takes two to have an argument but only one to end it <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />. The minute you start with the "yeah, hmm, uh-huh" responses, the argument ends <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />.

BTW, if you need someone to go knock some sense into her while she's in LA, just let me know <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />.

Good Shabbos!

AGG

oohhh... good idea! agg can pull his stick out of the mud and smak her around a bit! yes!

mlhb

shabbos?

what the heck does that mean?
don't be talking jewish code talk now... i'm a baptist, i don't get it. i'll thump you both with my new testament bible if you start doing that.

mlhb

Hello everyone not really sure am new here. I just got married well we will have been married 1 yr this July. And I've known him on and off for almost 23 yrs. but never in all that time did he act the way is does now. See he's very absuive towards me two days ago he held a gun to my head asked me if I wanted to die and threw me on the floor later on that night I was able to leave and I took myself to the er everyone there was so wonderful to me. Though I did'nt press charges but the police told me that I would have 11 months and 29 days if I wanted to press charges myself. At last he did come to get most of his clothes with his friend and I told him that he is'nt welcome here anymore or else I would press charges. Did I do the right thing he also drinks alot. Right now am confused not sure if am heading down the right road. When I've said in the past to him that he needed to go get help he says he does'nt have a problem. So any advice for me would be great because am not sure if I did the right thing?????

I didn't notice how much she was like my mom when we first started dating, and over the years its creepy how much they have in common personality wise. Interestingly, neither one of them wants to admit that.

She'll be in Burbank, and Little Tokyo and doing karaoke somewhere tonight or tomorrow. I'll see if I can find out where so you can do your sense-knocking.

Shabbos = Sabbath

Because its me, I'll give the long explanation. Sabbath in Hebrew is "Shabbat", except in one dialect where the "at" is pronounced as "os" and it becomes "Shabbos."

Stacy - This is a VERY serious issue. I'm probably not the best one to comment on it. I would suggest that you start a new thread for this issue. Others might have a suggestion as to the best place for that thread.