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#2018996 02/03/08 08:15 PM
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Hello - thank you all for being here! I found out on Thursday that my husband has been having an emotional affair plus 5 kisses with another woman. I am devasted - hurt and my emotions have been on a major roller coaster - all normal I now know.

My question to you all - I have a need to know everything that took place with the OW. Is this normal???? I mean I want detail - details - details.

Husband is supplying them. I have been in contact with OW and her husband also.

I understand what caused the affair our marriage was not meeting either of our emotional needs - I just do not know what to do - Husband states he wants to work things out - but if he was cheating then does he really want to? He risked his family - if I would not have finally confronted him he would have continued - sooooooo.....

now what????


hurtingbadly
hurtingbadly #2018997 02/03/08 08:25 PM
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Hi HB,

Welcome to MB! ...and yes, your 'need to know' everything is very normal for a BS (betrayed spouse).

It's good that your H is willing to answer your questions. Hopefully he is being transparant with his actions and his time as that will help you greatly.

Please read the articles here and keep posting! This is a great place and you will find a lot of support as you both begin rebuilding your M.

Semper Fi,

RIF


Me, BS

Her, Forgiven

Married Dec 86

Multiple A's that ended '90

Rebuilding In Faith since then...

Currently deployed to Iraq, but TEXAS is Home!
hurtingbadly #2018998 02/03/08 08:35 PM
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Hi Hurting,

Welcome. Sorry you have to be here, but I think you will find comfort with us.

Yes, wanting to know everything is normal. Let the pros here offer the best advice to you. I would love to help, but I'm struggling too, and did not always do things the MB way.

The one thing that helped me inititally was to get Surviving an Affair by Dr. Harley. I would read that immediately, then just read all of the posts here that you can read, and don't do anything drastic until you educate yourself on the dynamics of affairs. Before I found MB, I did a lot of good Plan A, but also managed to do a lot of love busting which didn't help. So read up.

Hang in there. You are in good hands here.


BS - me 56
XWH - 57

12/25/06 - Dday - WH promised NC. Plan A in effect. Thought we were in recovery.

6-3-07 - Dday#2 Found out NC never took place and A never ended. Found MB NC promised again, but WH would not write NC letter.

9/07 - Dday #3. Still lying and sneaking around. Plan B implemented
WH wants nothing to do with me

Divorced as of 12/09 after 36 years
RIF #2018999 02/03/08 09:18 PM
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Thank you he is being transparant - and actually I had email him while he was at work - and he is the one who introduced me to the term.......

I appreciate your support!


hurtingbadly
ChaiLover #2019000 02/03/08 09:19 PM
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Both my husband and I will be getting the book - tomorrow - if not at Barnes and Nobel then will order.....I cannot wait 2 days for the delivery.....

Thanks!!


hurtingbadly
hurtingbadly #2019001 02/03/08 10:04 PM
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Hi hurting-

Another good book that has a chapter specifically about emotional affairs is "Torn Asunder" by Dave Carder-a pastor who also specializes in counseling couples after affairs.

It also gives both the BS and the WS a timeline to understand the roller coaster of emotions that both spouses may experience in recovery.

Good luck!


johnstwin-

"I may not know what the future holds, but I know who holds my future." -Martin Luther

Remarried my FXH 25 years to the day of our first M. God is so good-and sometimes so unexpected!

johnstwin #2019002 02/04/08 05:20 PM
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Thank you for the recommendation will surely be reading book after book.

Last night was somewhat comical - I was trying to go to sleep but could not because I had a need for another 2 questions to be answered. I walked into the living room and sat down next to WS. I said I have a couple more questions -and he almost threw up! I giggled inside my head!!! Not nice - I know but it may have been my first smile since Thursday!

He answered the questions I had with the needed detail that I requested.

What continues to bother me though is that I feel GUILTY for even considering working on the relationship. Does that make sense? It is like I am letting him get away with his actions.

Advice.......


hurtingbadly
hurtingbadly #2019003 02/04/08 05:42 PM
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Quote:

<snip>I had a need for another 2 questions to be answered. I walked into the living room and sat down next to WS. I said I have a couple more questions -and he almost threw up! I giggled inside my head!!! Not nice - I know but it may have been my first smile since Thursday!

He answered the questions I had with the needed detail that I requested.




Great job from you both! Sounds as if you handled the request for more information really well and he was open in his replies. A critical part of the recovery process is understanding what happened and you will only get the information you need if he answers your questions honestly and he will only do that if it feels safe for him. And it obviously did!

Quote:

What continues to bother me though is that I feel GUILTY for even considering working on the relationship. Does that make sense? It is like I am letting him get away with his actions.




No, his getting away with it would be you pretending it was not happening and letting the A continue. Can you see the difference now?


3 adult children
Divorced - he was a serial adulterer
Now remarried, thank you MB
(formerly lied_to_again)
living_well #2019004 02/04/08 05:49 PM
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I certainly can - but why do I feel WEAK by taking him back - maybe that is a better word. I feel weak....

I am so appreciative of everyone sharing their wisdom!


hurtingbadly
hurtingbadly #2019005 02/04/08 05:53 PM
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Someoneone wise said to me at the very beginning....it is much easier to leave. Staying takes immense strength.

I hope that helps you as it did me.


* Divorced January 6, 2003.
*X married OW on July 4 2003.
* I live in Melbourne, Australia

The opposite of love is not hate, it's indifference. - Elie Wiesel....this is where I am now.
Nina too #2019006 02/04/08 06:02 PM
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Thank you for sharing these wise words........


hurtingbadly
hurtingbadly #2019007 02/04/08 06:46 PM
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HB:

You have every right to ask questions.

You H may look like he's about to throw up. BUt you need what you need.

Please read my story of Dday>> Curtains

You have a great start so far to recover your marriage.

But the real work has begun.

LG

lousygolfer #2019008 02/04/08 09:09 PM
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Hi HB.

Staying isn't weak. Neither is leaving, if that is what you choose.

Strength is making a wise decision for yourself based on facts. Strength is knowing yourself well enough to make a decision and taking responsibility for the choice.

frozen1229 #2019009 02/04/08 11:22 PM
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Helllo - well I just lost control of my emotions with WH.

After confronting him about the EA - I askd that he contact his parents and tell them. He said he would. When I came home this evening - it has been 4 days since finding out - after discussing how our days were I asked if he has talked to his parents. He said sternly "I am not telling them. I am not as close with them as you are your family" (which is true). I blew up - LOVE BUSTER - I know......

now what????????

He wants to know why I want them to know....

I am not really sure why I want him to tell them I just do -

I need help uncovering why......

I am soooooo ANGRY things were going fairly well over the past couple days.

It just ALL went SOUTH and in the matter of 2 minutes!!!


hurtingbadly
hurtingbadly #2019010 02/04/08 11:29 PM
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Exposure is used to end an A.

As long as he has committed to NC, there isn't a need to tell his parents.

I'm so sorry you are hurting.

((((HB))))

~ Marsh

Marshmallow #2019011 02/04/08 11:34 PM
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Thank you for your reply - he has committed to no contact with the OW he did that Saturday.

I am assuming I have to apologize about my nasty behavior....will do right now....uggghhhh!


hurtingbadly
hurtingbadly #2019012 02/04/08 11:37 PM
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Quote:

I am soooooo ANGRY things were going fairly well over the past couple days.

It just ALL went SOUTH and in the matter of 2 minutes!!!




Go easy on yourself.

It's normal and RIGHT to be angry.

Recovery is often compared to a rollarcoaster ride...lots of ups and downs.

Keep reading and posting here.... and get those books.

~ Marsh

hurtingbadly #2019013 02/04/08 11:39 PM
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wow - he was in bed - I went in and apoloigized so unlike ME before the EA - and told him to forget my request, he said we could talk about it further if I wanted to. I then said I would go to the gym in the morning as he had requested earlier - before I lost my HEAD!

THANK YOU ALL FOR BEING HERE!


hurtingbadly
hurtingbadly #2019014 02/05/08 05:37 PM
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No real advice here, but love your username .

Marshmallow #2019015 02/06/08 10:16 AM
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Hi All - first off I hope everyone is safe from the storms that came rumbling through TN last evening - my thoughts are with you.

Last night my WH and I completed the EN Questionnaire. After completing we reviewed each need and played Q & A's about the need. We have talked more to each other in the past 5 days than we have in years!

My question: His #1 need is Sexual Fulfillment and mine is affection.

Before I go any further should I be posting this in the EN forum? not sure....

THANKS!


hurtingbadly
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