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hurtingbadly #2019016 02/06/08 10:25 AM
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No need to switch forums . . . keep your thread here.

It is great that you are doing the EN questionaire. No that you know his #1 need, what are you going to do about it? Now that he knows your #1 what is his plan to meet it for you?


What we think or what we know or what we believe is, in the end, of little consequence. The only consequence is what we do. ~ John Ruskin
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Hello - thanks for the quick response.

I know his need and wouldn't you know it - it is where I have the biggest, tallest, thickest wall. My desire for sex is low unless I have a few drinks - after a few drinks my walls come tumbling down. The first few years of our marriage we would go out often have some wine and I would loosen up therefore our sex life was fulfilling his needs. The reasons for the walls - there are many uncovered reasons - the strongest fear of abandonment. How that connects still can not figure it out and I am a Master's in Counseling

My need is where he has the most difficulty. I am very scared that we will not be able to meet the #1 EN's.

We have generated a list of action items to help us begin meeting the needs - how often do you re-evaluate?

When is it time for me to reconnect with him - would now be to soon - for me it feels like I would be rewarding his devious actions - "if I want sex all I have to do is have an affair" Irrational thinking?

Words of wisdom please........


hurtingbadly
hurtingbadly #2019018 02/06/08 03:38 PM
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Any advice from anyone online?


hurtingbadly
hurtingbadly #2019019 02/06/08 04:38 PM
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Quote:

I know his need and wouldn't you know it - it is where I have the biggest, tallest, thickest wall. My desire for sex is low unless I have a few drinks - after a few drinks my walls come tumbling down. The first few years of our marriage we would go out often have some wine and I would loosen up therefore our sex life was fulfilling his needs. The reasons for the walls - there are many uncovered reasons - the strongest fear of abandonment. How that connects still can not figure it out and I am a Master's in Counseling




David Schnarch theorizes in his book, Passionate Marriage, that the reason someone does not want to want (desire) their spouse is b/c their spouse IS so important to them.

He says when your partner's importance exceeds your ability to self-soothe, your partner becomes too important to want.

Link to ------> PASSIONATE MARRIAGE

~ Marsh

Last edited by Marshmallow; 02/06/08 04:41 PM.
Marshmallow #2019020 02/06/08 04:49 PM
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I am looking - you know I just went to Barnes and Nobel and saw his book - chose another though.....not enough time in the day to read all the books I would like to (smile)!!

Thank you for your reply - I am looking......


hurtingbadly
hurtingbadly #2019021 02/06/08 07:38 PM
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Marshmallow (and others) have you heard anything about the intense marriage counseling that David Schnarch offers in Colorado? I have asked for more information from his site and my WH said he would attend.

Marshmallow - I tried to PMessage you but my PM button is grayed out...hmmmmmm

hurtingbadly #2019022 02/06/08 10:21 PM
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Quote:

Marshmallow (and others) have you heard anything about the intense marriage counseling that David Schnarch offers in Colorado? I have asked for more information from his site and my WH said he would attend.

Marshmallow - I tried to PMessage you but my PM button is grayed out...hmmmmmm




I only know about his intense marriage counseling from what he wrote about in his book.

The PMs have been disabled here.

If you'd like to talk off-line, we can e-mail each other.

~ Marsh

Marshmallow #2019023 02/06/08 10:46 PM
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HB,

Would your WH agree to this?----> MB WEEKEND

~ Marsh

Marshmallow #2019024 02/07/08 10:00 AM
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Hi Marsh.

I spoke to WH about the MB weekend and he was not interested. However was interested in attending the intense counseling sessions.

I believe we are heading down the right path. We had a nice evening and re-connected if you know what I mean

We are taking this a day at a time. If it was not for this MB I do not know where I would be right now.

It is horrible that something like this had to happen to make me realize how much he means to me! I hope he is feeling the same way.

We can email - do I just post my email address here?


hurtingbadly
hurtingbadly #2019025 02/07/08 11:18 AM
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Hi HB,

What reason did your WH give for not wanting to go on an MB weekend?

I'm a little concerned that your WH doesn't want to go, but is willing to go see a counselor to fix YOUR problem.

Don't get me wrong, I think seeing David Schnarch is a good idea. It's just that you may be putting the cart before the horse.

Your WH had a PA, not an EA, b/c he admits to, at least, having kissed her. Recovery takes time. Is he going through w/drawals? Typically he ought to be very sad, and w/drawn. Is he?

I'm worried that he may have taken the A underground. Are you spying on him?

And yes, you can post your e-mail address here, and when I've got it, I'll let you know and you can delete it.

~ Marsh

Marshmallow #2019026 02/07/08 11:20 AM
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Also, is he reading here?

~ Marsh

Marshmallow #2019027 02/07/08 07:31 PM
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Hi Marsh - he is not reading here.

He just called me and told me the OW phoned his cell and that he did not answer. What do I do about this? I want to call her and her husband but not sure what to do - maybe she thrives on causing drama...

I have been checking his cell/text records each day and I do not observe contact or strange numbers. Check his missed calls on his cell and email daily.

I hope I am right in believing that there has not been contact. From my observation I do not see that he is "missing her".

I have been being the spouse he wants and he has been communicating and showing me affection. Am I doing this all wrong??? I hope not!!!

As for the intense counseling - I do not think his intensions are for us to go to fix my problem but for us to learn more about each other.

I am open to any advice -



THANKS MARSH!

Last edited by hurtingbadly; 02/09/08 06:23 PM.
hurtingbadly #2019028 02/09/08 01:53 PM
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Hello everyone. WH just phoned and said OW called him at the hospital where he works. He avoided one call but then she had him paged. He is obligated to answer a page in case of emergency - I understand this. He hung up after he heard her voice. Is this what he should continue to do?

OW is going to drive me crazy! I feel like she is following me when I am out - no proof of this...paranoid I guess.

How long until she will stop contact with him? Her husband is aware and trying his best to win her back.

Any suggestions????

hurtingbadly #2019029 02/09/08 02:13 PM
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Hi hurting
She may be following you around. She may accost WH outside the hospital at the end of his work day. She may call you too or send you a bag of WH's clothes. FatSlag did all over the above.

In my case Slag was so upset about the loss of her meal ticket that she got friends to call WH to give him sob stories about how the end of the A had caused a nervous breakdown and the loss of her job. Complete rubbish from beginning to end. Job was fine. Turned out she had been cheating on him too all along. OWs are not nice people.

You can get a restraining order. Eventually though, she will find a new victim as long as your H keeps ignoring her.


3 adult children
Divorced - he was a serial adulterer
Now remarried, thank you MB
(formerly lied_to_again)
living_well #2019030 02/09/08 03:43 PM
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Helo LTA!

Thank you for your reply. I certainly know how crazy women can get when they want someone badly enough - was there in my college days.

We really just want her to go away!!!

I am sure WH's NO CONTACT makes her want him even more - she WAS a nurse at the hospital and was stealing drugs - this was discovered after another nurse found her near death in the bathroom with a syringe in her arm. WH was evidently attracted to her and phoned her when he found this out to "check" on her. This is when they started meeting up - worked together for a year so I am positive an emotional affair during this year - went to another level when they began meeting and kissing. I discovered this level of contact 30 days into the A - which I thought was an EA - now know that it was a PA since they kissed.

I know she is ill and just hope that she does not call him and say she is going to kill herself - she just may!

The plan is to continue NO CONTACT and for him to be as transparent as I need him to be.

Is there anything else we should be doing? We are reading, discussing and both doing our best to meet each others EN's. We continue to march forward.......

It is ashame that this is what it took for me to realize how important he is to me!!


hurtingbadly
hurtingbadly #2019031 02/09/08 04:25 PM
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HurtingBadly -

Sorry, but you can't expect to recover the marriage if they continue working together. It just never works out. We've had people here try it, and sometimes even 5 years later, the affair starts up again.

believer #2019032 02/09/08 05:26 PM
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Believer,

The OW WAS a nurse in the hospital HB's WH worked at.

HB,

I'm very happy to hear that WH is telling you about OW calling him.

Your WH needs to change his cell phone number. Maybe your lawyer could write OW a strongly worded letter telling her not to contact your family again?

You might have to get a RO on this woman.

She sounds wacked.

Sounds like you are doing everything right.

~ Marsh

PS: Watch your mail.

believer #2019033 02/09/08 06:21 PM
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Quote:

HurtingBadly -

Sorry, but you can't expect to recover the marriage if they continue working together. It just never works out. We've had people here try it, and sometimes even 5 years later, the affair starts up again.




Thank goodness she was fired from the hospital when they found out she was stealing drugs and almost dead. I would not accept him working at the same hospital as her but no worries since she is outta there!!!!


hurtingbadly
hurtingbadly #2019034 02/09/08 06:24 PM
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Got it.

Now I'm very optimistic. Do be aware of your surroundings. We had one betrayed wife who was attacked with a pool stick as she was getting out of her car. The OW was a nut case and fractured bones in her face, her jaw, and her clavicle.

believer #2019035 02/12/08 12:30 PM
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Hello everyone - I wanted to provide an update. When this whole A slapped me in the face I was not sure what I was going to do. My emotions were crazy. I found the support and information I needed on this site.

I thank all of you for being here and sharing your wisdom!
The marriages and families you have saved MUST be numerous.

My situation continues to improve and I am satisfied with the strides we are both making. It is hard work and I do hope that this hard work becomes more natural for me.

Our communication has increased - we have been working hard at meeting each other's EN's and our marriage feels stronger than it has been in years. CRAZY? UNBELIEVABLE? but very true!!

I believe our recovery is moving faster than normal. I contribute this to our willingness to learn and open our minds.

I hope that I can continue to give hope to others and that I am not posting in a week or two or three that I have been blindsided. I am a believer and will continue to read....

I am thankful......

Smile today


hurtingbadly
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