Oh dear. I looked up the agency but I didn't have any luck finding supervisor's number. However I did find a hotline number to call and report employees unethical behavior. I'm anxious about calling about my H. Even after all he has done to me, it is hard for me to be mean to him. I think I need an extra push in the right direction. Thanks RIF. I guess I could also call the base operator and ask for supervisors name. Which do you think would be best.

Ok I wonder what if I do call to expose H. What if he does something stupid like kill himself. Everyone at his work thinks he is so trustworthy and they really respect him. Do I really go through with this?

My H went through a lot of bad stuff as a child. Then his dad wasn't around while he was growing up. He said he has a great job and things are going great for him (but not me.)
He thinks that finally his life has turned around for the best. Do I really expose him and risk having his life fall apart? I guess I'm just having trouble with that. Ohh why do I have to care about him so much?

Hey Faith10,

You are NOT being mean to your H. You are fighting for your M. Your H will be livid with you when you expose. He will say some vile things and threaten you will all sorts of silly things... but the end result will be that the A will be exposed, and guess what... It won't be as much "fun" for your dear husband and the OW after that.

...and THAT is your goal with exposure. You want to put as much pressure on the A to help bring it to a swift end.

Oh, and I don't think that your H will commit suicide... he may threaten it, but it very rarely happens.

If you know the OW's name and phone number, than I'd pass that along to the Hotline... then let them contact his supervisor. Oh, and make sure that you let them know that you are his WIFE. Don't make an anonomous exposure... you want to take full credit for this in order to let them know that YOU are willing to stand up and fight for your M!

Semper Fi,

RIF

Because you love him?

If you didn't love him, you would just let him continue on his merry way while he destroys his family.

I know this is hard, but the alternative is to let him continue in the A. You can NOT rebuild your M as long as he is involved with this OW.

Any "fallout" from your exposure will be HIS own doing.... not yours. HE made the choice to have an A, not you. Now, if your DH asked you if it was OK for him to find a new honey at work, and you said "why of course dear, whatever makes you happy"... then maybe you'd have a reason to feel bad...

But I suspect that your H didn't ask you if it was OK to have an A ,did he?

Semper Fi,

RIF

I can't thankyou enough RIF. Well I know the OW phone number. I'm not sure about her name. I searched the internet and ordered one of those reports where you can find out name by using cell phone #. But it stated that her residence was different than what showed up on the cell phone statement. Either way they will have her #.

I think she works for the same agency. She had just moved to FL a few months back. Before that she was working were my husband would go TDY for training. So I think thats were they met. Just the thought disgusts me. I wonder how they sleep at night?

Do you honestly think that my marriage can be saved if I expose H and still living so far away? I suppose we will find out. Is karma going to come back to me for what I'm about to do?

I don't know if your M can be saved... but I do know that it definitely won't survive continued contact with this OW.

I think that once the A is exposed that you will have an EXCELLENT opportunity to rebuild your M.

I've found that when you do the right thing, that you really don't have to worry about any fallout... any fallout will be due to your H's own choices...

Semper Fi,

RIF

Guess thats the push I needed. Thanks RIF. Tomorrow I will contact the agency either by phone or email. Maybe email would be more effective, I already wrote down what to send.

I hope H doesn't lose his job. Right now he pays for all my bills, and cc's. Maybe the OW will be transfered far far away...like to another country! Wouldn't that be great.

I'm really nervous but I guess I gotta do what I gotta do- for my family.

Hi Faith10,

I hope your H doesn't lose his job either... but that is a possible consequence of HIS actions... NOT your exposure.

Semper Fi,

RIF

Faith you need to give us more details than this. This is a safe place for you to talk. The reason you need to tell us about it is that the advice you will be given will be different if there is any risk that your husband could hurt you or your children if you go back.

IMHO, this woman should NOT go home. No matter the level of aggression he displayed, he is a danger considering he did it while she was pregnant. Couple that with her needing to defy him in order to go home and there exists a recipe for disaster.

IMO, the first things that should happen is that Faith should counsel with someone that specializes in her type of situation. Her personality screams "abused" be it verbally, physically or otherwise. Her H is obviously a control freak and I fear that he will escalate things to an unsafe level to maintain his control over Faith.

I too would like more details at this time so that we know how to best advise her. Absent that, I fear we will be sending an injured lamb to a slaughter.

So, Faith...what happened?

Why do you think you are so passive and accepting of your H's control? Do you realize that you can be a strong and outspoken woman without being disrespectful to your H?

The marriage that you had previously should not be rebuilt. If you are to stay with this man, it needs to be on equal terms. That might mean living apart for a while until you are strong enough to protect yourself. He also needs help to realize that true security doesn't come from control...but from relinquishing control. Immature and abusive men feel they need to control their women. I really don't care what problems your H had in his younger life...he is a man and is now fully responsible for his actions.

You know he has cheated. Why do you have to ask him? That is just putting the control back in his hands. Stand up for yourself and demand the respect you deserve. You are just as important as he is. Wait, I take that back. Now that he has had an affair, kicked his own family out of their house, refused contact with his wife and kids, and abandoned them, you are MORE important than him. You need to start telling yourself that you deserve better than this treatment. I urge you to go over to Emotional Needs thread and read the thread started by YoungandLearning. You sound just as abused and submissive as she is/was. But she is learning to stand up for herself and tell herself - and everyone else - that she deserves respect and decent treatment. You do NOT deserve to be abandoned by your husband. THAT is why you have to call his CO and tell him that your husband is having an affair with a coworker (and here is her cell phone number, she just moved to FL a few months ago, and she used to work at XYZ where my husband had TDY), and that your husband kicked you and your kids out of the house. There is NOTHING to feel guilty about; YOU are the wronged person here, HE is the one abusing you and your kids by kicking you out, so HE deserves to deal with his own results.

Why on earth would YOU be punished for the affair that your husband is having, for what he is doing to his own wife and family? You have got to learn that you are just as, if not more, worthwhile than he is; that if he does something as horrible as cheating on you and then kicking you out and then having anger issues enough to throw and punch, it is HE who needs to be apologizing to you, not the other way around.

Question: Did your parents make you feel like you're not good enough, that you are somehow lacking, not smart enough, etc.? Because people who are as submissive as you are usually learn that from their parents. It takes a lot of work - with a professional counselor/therapist - to learn to like yourself enough to stand up for yourself and your rights. But you have to do it for your kids. Whether you get back with your husband (and I'm not sure I would if I were you, at least not until you get several months of counseling) or whether you go out and find another husband, you need to start respecting yourself first, or you will head down the horrible road of abuse and control. Even if you divorce, without counseling and learning to like yourself, you'll just seek more men who treat you like crap because you think that's all you deserve. Please get help. If you say you can't afford it, that's not an excuse. Go to www.unitedway.org, find the local office near you, and call them and ask for help with getting a counselor. Tell them what happened, you have no money, and they'll find someone you can afford. That's what they do.

Bottom line, you HAVE to report him and expose the affair - for his sake as well as for yours.

Hi everyone. Well I think the main reason I was submissive in my marriage was because when I brought up an unpleasent topic (bills,debt,trust issues) my H would start screaming and it would scare our daughter.

So I would try to bring up those issues when kids were asleep and H would start screaming at me. I just tried to remain calm so it wouldn't escalate.

When I was pregnant my H had gone on a tdy. When he came back I saw he was writing an email 'Hey sweetie...' so I accused him of cheating. That I was going to leave, he
said he would kill himself, and that night we were just fighting and fighting...it was just awful.

The first year we were married he had pulled my hair when I found out how crappy his credit was. We were trying to buy a house but denied and he got very angry cause mortgage broker told me about H past credit problems.

One time he had hit me in the arm and I called his mom and told her. Got pushed a few times. through out marriage he would sometimes call me names but more resently he stopped.

But I can remember that there was several times that he had charged at me (but didn't hit)...he would get angry and he would get this look in his eyes and he would start screaming right in my face.

Another issue I have is that when I was growing up my mom was (still is) very critical of me. Always saying I can't do this and I never finish anything. Just so negative and nagging. Keep in mind my H said that is how he felt I was with him, that he couldn't do anything right. So I probably have turned like my mom. My dad was always yelling too.
So I guess I have a some issues.

Before I met my husband I had been in a relationship that was good. The guy I was dating was funny, courteous, and we got along really well. Except that I messed it up.

However, the relationship before that one was Horrible. It was both emotionally and at times physically abusive. I now look back and wonder why I put up with it. But one day I said 'enough.'

Last night I was so ready to call and expose my H and OW. I prayed about it. I kept asking God what do I do? This morning I asked again and I opened my Bible. Right before me was Psalms 5:10. I read 'Pronounce them guilty...Let them fall by their own counsels; then I came upon Romans 12:10 'Be kindly affectionate with brotherly love.' And I thought well I wouldn't do this to my sister so how can I do it to my H.

I appreciate all the advice...I really do need to go to counseling. I don't want my daughters to learn my faults.

Hi Faith10,

I would seriously consider MEDC & Other's advice... from what you've just shared with us, your H is abusive and IMHO, I would NOT return home.

Semper Fi,

RIF

call an abuse shelter or the United Way to find some help. I have dealt with hundreds of abusers (if not thousands) and I feel strongly that your H is a danger.

Please get help and DO NOT go home.

The Bible and God would certainly suppport bringing light (truth) to darkness (lies). And IF your sister were having an affair...you SHOULD expose her. It is not kind to keep these secrets.

Get some counseling. You have a history of 2 abusive men, and leaving the one that was good to you.

This stuff didn't happen by accident. No criticism intended - you need to work on your issues so that you will start making healthy choices.

Thats powerful MEDC. Now I'm really torn. If I call this hotline (inspector general) my H could lose his job. Eventually I will file for child support. Right now H pays for all the huge debt that we are in, and my college loan. He might retaliate by not paying debt that is all in my name. And I don't make enough to pay it. He might get really furious and I don't know what he would do. Or what the OW would do since she is crazy enough to go with a married man.

I really just want to do what God would want me to do. But if that means exposing H well then...I would have to.

your primary concern right now should be you and the kids...not your H or what he does. I would do NOTHING in regards to his affair right now. Do not take or return his calls.

Get a restraining order and contact a shelter. One call to them will start you on the right path. Ignore this...and it will get worse...a lot worse. I have carried the corpses of women that ignored these signs. Please get help. If you need help finding it, email me and I will be glad to help.

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/sho...part=1&vc=1

I think it would benefit you to read the above thread. This poster was helped both on baord and off board to get the help she needed. We can do the same for you. Just ask if you want help.