Welcome to the
Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum

This is a community where people come in search of marriage related support, answers, or encouragement. Also, information about the Marriage Builders principles can be found in the books available for sale in the Marriage Builders® Bookstore.
If you would like to join our guidance forum, please read the Announcement Forum for instructions, rules, & guidelines.
The members of this community are peers and not professionals. Professional coaching is available by clicking on the link titled Coaching Center at the top of this page.
We trust that you will find the Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum to be a helpful resource for you. We look forward to your participation.
Once you have reviewed all the FAQ, tech support and announcement information, if you still have problems that are not addressed, please e-mail the administrators at mbrestored@gmail.com
Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Joined: Feb 2008
Posts: 4
T
Junior Member
Junior Member
T Offline
Joined: Feb 2008
Posts: 4
I am officially home now. Sad and home alone. Shortly after he got home last night and discovered I was gone he text messaged me telling me that he was sorry that I felt I had to leave. He told me how much he loved me, asked me to turn around and come back etc. All the sweet things he needed to say. Only, it didn't work. I stood my ground. He still held firm that he wasn't going to counseling, and I told him it was okay. That it was unacceptable to go for him, and unacceptable not to for me. So, I guess it is over. He eventually got sort of testy when his sweetness then his "stand" didn't move me from my position. I honestly think he felt that if he stood his ground long enough I would be more worried about losing the relationship and eventually would give up the fight for help.

Later he sent me a text saying if I thought it would help he would go but it was something he really wasn't happy about. I told him I didn't want him to do anything that made him uncomfortable and I understood if he chose not to, however, I wasn't changing my mind about the fact that it was necessary.

Eventually he sent me a text telling me that he didn't feel anything we did would change the fact that I didn't trust him. I think he thought if he sounded as if he was giving up I would fold. I guess he didn't take me as seriously as he should have. I didn't fold.

He has been all over the place today. Saying would he would do it, then saying it wouldn't help, etc. It finally ended with him saying that he just wasn't sure he could do it. And me telling him that was fine. That I understood his concern and dislike of the idea of going to therapy, however, I had concern and dislike of the way tough stuff is handled in our relationship,how he speaks to me, the fact that his past women are still present in some ways etc., and we hadn't been able to do it alone, so we either found help, or the relationship would self destruct down the road anyway. So why put ourselves through it. I told him if he couldn't rise to the challenge, I understood. It would make me sad, but if he couldn't do it, he couldn't do it. I told him to take a day or two and think about it. I would accept his answer either way.

So.... now we wait. I truly think he thought if he stood his ground that I would be more afraid of losing him than I would standing my ground. In the past I have reacted that way. This time if he doesn't go... we are through. It will hurt, but it will hurt more in the long run if I were to stay and let him treat me that way.

So.... time will tell what happens. I am prepared for it either way I think. Maybe. It is just so hard to imagine someone being more concerned about their image than they are about losing the person they love. Just don't understand men sometimes.

Joined: Dec 2007
Posts: 202
M
Member
Member
M Offline
Joined: Dec 2007
Posts: 202
I think you did a terrific job setting some firm but loving boundaries. You did it just right. The ball is in his court now and how he handles it will tell you a lot about how a future relationship might play out with him.

Even when a man is willing to go into to counseling and they go, it is not an easy process because many men just aren't geared to 'talking' about their feelings. So if you have one who flat out refuses to admit they need help, you are, imho, wasting your time. Better to find this out before you are married.

Sounds like you made a very wise move. Good luck.


Me 46
H 48
DS17
Married 19 years
Separated July 07
Dec.07 started MC
April 08 moved back in together

Joined: Apr 2008
Posts: 464
E
ezb Offline
Member
Member
E Offline
Joined: Apr 2008
Posts: 464
Hi, I'm the H in a separated marriage and I also had refused counseling that my wife suggested for quite sometime. I'm not sure if there's any other underlying issues but I do know my refusal to go was due to seeing a therapist when I was young that left me with a personal vow and resentment towards it not working. I've changed my views on that and put it in the past for the best of our marriage and to work on things in hopes that we can work together and resolve our past issues and learn ways to make sure conflicts are better handled in loving ways in the future. I have no idea where my marriage is leading to but I do know that I want to save it and I'm committed to doing that.

Have you asked him if there is an underlying issue about counseling that he might have? I hid mine for 30+ years and resented counseling and I can only hope and pray it doesn't cost me my marriage.


Going into recovery now so I can be a better person for my children and for me.

Moderated by  Fordude 

Link Copied to Clipboard
Forum Search
Who's Online Now
0 members (), 1,320 guests, and 100 robots.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Newest Members
apefruityouth, litchming, scrushe, Carolina Wilson, Lokire
72,032 Registered Users
Latest Posts
Three Times A Charm
by Vallation - 07/24/25 11:54 PM
How important is it to get the whole story?
by still seeking - 07/24/25 01:29 AM
Annulment reconsideration help
by abrrba - 07/21/25 03:05 PM
Help: I Don't Like Being Around My Wife
by abrrba - 07/21/25 03:01 PM
Following Ex-Wifes Nursing Schedule?
by Roger Beach - 07/16/25 04:21 AM
My wife wants a separation
by Roger Beach - 07/16/25 04:20 AM
Forum Statistics
Forums67
Topics133,625
Posts2,323,524
Members72,032
Most Online6,102
Jul 3rd, 2025
Building Marriages That Last A Lifetime
Copyright © 2025, Marriage Builders, Inc. All Rights Reserved.
Site Navigation
Powered by UBB.threads™ PHP Forum Software 8.0.0