Good job, Pablo. Have you heard anything lately from your wife?

No I haven't believer. It seems that things between the wife and OM have started to work out...well, at least temporarily.

Are you still sending her money?

Dear Pablo -

I am so glad - I pray that they will be able to do something to help keep your daughter (and other children) safe.

I was thinking that one thing they might be able to do is set your daughter up with a new e-mail account, which they give him access to, then a police officer communicates with him through that account - a "sting", in other words - they do this when they want to catch a guy who has infiltrated a chatroom. Your daughter wouldn't be involved. In one instance in the UK, they set up a false e-mail account for a girl in a chatroom, and solicited for meetings - they caught 15 different men who showed up expecting to have sex with a 14 yr old girl....half of them were married men with children with no convictions. Scary.

Also, just this week, here in the UK, the government has announced that it is going to give single moms the right to request a background check on a new boyfriend, to see what kind of convictions they might have...this is not just to check to see if they are on the sex offenders register, but also to see if they have convictions for domestic violence or other crimes. It's good the UK recognizes that the children of single mums need this kind of protection, and it has finally recognized that the children of single mums are targets for child molesters.

Thanks for clearing up the thing about libel, Melody. In the UK, libel laws are a lot stricter, but nevertheless, my concern was that he could get sued for defamation of character and he doesn't need, and his kids don't need, for him to have to fight that right now. More importantly, though, as you pointed out, he has to be careful not to draw their attention here.

Wishing you well,
LIR

Now I'm really irritated! We went to court today to make the restraining order permanent. The judge asked my daughter if she wanted the protection and she said "no" (because my wife has been telling her all along that this is an ok guy). My daughter doesn't understand all the implications of what this guy's said ... I can't believe the judge would just take it at that. I've lost any trust in the judicial system.

So what was the result?

Don't tell me the judge allowed your daughter to make this decision.

Has the judge seen the e-mails you showed here?

What happened with the Center for Missing & Exploited Children - did they talk with you about this?

Have you taken your concerns to your local police?

Just wondering where you are in this process. I also would expect that things between OM and your W will go quite "well" - he is going to sweet talk her until he gets your daughter into his house. JMHO.

What does your lawyer advise? I'm not an expert in these matters, I'm just trying to help.

LIR

Yes. The idiotic judge allowed a MINOR to make this decision. I need to re-engage with the Center for Missing & Exploited Children ... haven't heard from them since they took my info.

The local police. Well, the advised me there's not enough info to prosecute him and that the restraining order was they way to go for now.

The lawyer I had now tells me she doesn't work with disputed custody cases. So back to square one.

I can't believe a judge would listen to the minor when my daughter doesn't even understand what all that stuff means.

Call your local newspaper and look for help. The judge will look like a fool.

I can't believe it either.

It sounds to me like you need to get a new lawyer, who will move this case to be heard by a different judge.

I do realize that in some jurisdictions, the child has to be asked their opinion, but that doesn't mean the court washes its hands of its responsibility to protect a child.

Just like when you go to a doctor and you get one who doesn't know what they are doing, so you keep searching until you get a good one.

I'd get a new lawyer - preferably one with experience dealing with child protection.

And yes, I would definitely chase up the Center - see where they are on this and ask them for advice. Tell them you are worried this man will soon be given access to your daughter.

I still think it's worth it checking into setting up a "sting" with a false e-mail account - you would need police co-operation. Somewhere in your local chain of law-enforcement there must be some unit which deals with internet paedophiles and their activities - try to find out who those guys are and go directly to them. Keep going up the chain until you find them. Then ask their advice. Maybe the Center for Missing and Exploited Children will be able to refer you to the nearest unit to your area.

Still praying for you.
LIR

By all means get yourself a new lawyer--a bulldog. With experience. And you might discuss with your daughter's counselor the possibility of showing her more of the text messages, so there's no doubt in your daughter's mind what this man actually wants from her.

Neaksis' daughter is at a place in therapy where she has progressed to the point of dealing with the actual molestation (which began when she was a toddler, continued until she was 5--and she's 12 now). It has to be done. It is being worked through. But the agony is immense, and the toll on her daughter is horrendous. I don't care what your daughter thinks now--if you can spare her this kind of nuclear destruction, you will have done her the biggest favor you ever could do, whether she recognizes it or not.

t&l

I just called a few folks to get a referral for a lawyer experienced in this stuff. It's probably going to cost me $ I don't have but I don't really see any other options. I can't tell you the depth of my irritation.

Yes, it is going to cost you. And there may be nobody to thank you for doing it, either, for a good long while! Just talked to Neaksis on the phone. She'll post to you later, but she's good some good insights for you--purchased in blood!--and I think you need to know.

t&l

...and I really don't mind paying to keep my daughter safe. Well, I mind but will make the sacrifice. What's making this difficult right now is that the wife has already asked twice and the daughter once if she could go out there to visit for a week. If you've followed this thread you already know my reply. The daughter thinks that I am the sum of all evil right now.

Pablo, I think you need to be totally honest with your DD about what OM's intentions are toward her. At 13, she is not too young to know.

Pablo,

Isn't there someone your DD really trusts that you could get to tell your DD the danger this creep poses to her?

Heck, I'm sure you could take her to any public square and show those e-mails to perfect strangers who would all say the same thing to her.

~ Marsh

Pablo,

I know this is hard. But whatever you do, please don't let your daughter guilt you into letting her go.

Also, I totally agree that at this point, you somehow have to find someone to get through to your daughter what a dangerous perv this OM is. I am afraid if your daughter doesn't get this message, she may run off behind your back to her mother's.

First let me say I am so sorry that things are going this way. Keep up the fight, it's worth it.

I would suggest that you do everything you deem appropriate in arming your daughter with the means to protect herself. Inform her, encourage her; it is the right thing to do.

However, under no circumstances should you put any trust in the assumption that she will act to protect herself. Many, many parents do all the right things, tell their kids all the right information, (as we should) then sit back in confidence that our children are safe.

If you give even the most cursory study to how predators profile and then groom their victims, you will realize that it is up to the parent to protect the child. The child cannot protect themselves. If given any significant chance at all, a predator weaves a devilish web of mental and emotional lies around the child from which they can't escape.

Your daughter, if exposed to him, will almost certainly listen to him. Her mom is on his side, and only you, the ignorant medieval father who just doesn't understand how mature she is, has anything negative to say about him. He will flatter her, play the situation, tell her she is beautiful, that he understands her, drive a wedge between you. He will have a willing confederate in your wife.

There is no way your daughter can be trusted to stand against that kind of assault. You have to protect her, even though she will think you her bitterest enemy. Rational thinking goes out the window, and she will actively try to circumvent your safety measures. You have to be stronger, sneakier, and tougher than she is, and outlast the predator that is interested in her.

Does she visit friends' houses? Talk to their parents. Show them the emails and ask that she not be allowed internet access in their homes. If you don't get 100% support from them, your daughter's safety can't be trusted to them. Get the best key logger you can buy. The clock is ticking, and your best hope is to catch him in illegal activity before he manages to gain access to your daughter.

Does your daughter have a cell phone? Make sure she isn't calling him (or "her mom"). Watch your phone bill. Keep track of times she calls. Are there any you're not aware of? This is war, and a war you must win for your daughter's sake. Just don't expect her to cooperate; she will work against you because she doesn't understand.

In essence, lock her down as much as possible. Try not to curtail her perception of freedom when possible, since it will only make her more bitter against you. But when you have to, go for it and don't care what she says.

Also, don't trust her grandmother, since chances are that she was affected in some way by the unhealthy state of her family. She may be in much the same condition as your wife, only older.

God bless, and we are all praying for your situation.

There are some very good spying threads on here.

You will have to treat your DD like a mini-WW.

Also, I thought the suggestion of a sting in her name was good.

I do have a keylogger on the daughter's computer. The police here don't seem interested in a sting, probably because he lives outside their jurisdiction.

What's disturbing is that the creep has already sent her an email (that she hasn't seen yet). Do I see what happens (hoping he does something illegal) or just delete it?

Do not let her see it.

Delete it.

Or you can pretend to be her and e-mail back and forth w/ him until he does something incriminating.

~ Marsh