Good morning Rin! I, too, am mechanically inclined, and would have done the same thing.

As far as Queenies question goes, I'd like to put my $.02 out there. In my case, the situation was not the problem. I was. I didn't have boundaries, and without them, you don't protect yourself from the get go.

Also, being ACOA, I believed, from childhood, that my feelings weren't important, but everyone else's were, so I went about helping everyone else to feel better, and was super vigilant, and super responsible. That is just breeding grounds for resentment, because I'm not SUPPOSED to be angry or sad or whatever I felt.

I'm just really learning this, and it's a tough lesson. To have done a lot of damage to myself by not learning proper boundaries, it just makes me ill to think about it. BUT, that was then, this is now. We can only work with today, right.

Hi, LOL, I remember my password to get in at work...hope I can sneak by today...

Quenn, I have to agree with SL...b/c of my childhood, ACOC, and all of the abuse, I wasn't taught boundaries...it was okay for someone to touch me in a way that I didn't like...it was okay for them to do anything that they wanted and it was no okay for me to stand up for myself...

I was me long before STBX came along; however, STBX was controlling/ is controlling and that didn't help...I tried to stand up for myself and then the crap would start and I would end up backing down..and I hated it...I hated him for it...I hated the situation...I hated my life for that matter...and the snowball effect that it produced...I couldn't get angry at him, and I didn't know it at the time, but I would take my anger out on the kids...

Tlak about an eye opening experience when I realized what I was doing to them, so the only amends I can make on that one is to do my best each and every day!

On the French, I picked up what I know from family...

I just got the most beautiful fruit arrangement from the very best(est) LOL friend I have ever known in my life...

I have been taught so many wonderful things and hope that I have done just as much...

I am so filled with joy and am honored to say that I'm so happy that I want to cry...I don't ever remember having this feeling...it is beyond a doubt the best present I have ever gotten and completely out of the blue...

I had to share b/c in the day following d-day were extremely difficult and I was told over and over that it would get better...and though I had faith there was some part of me that still didn't believe it was true and today things are wonderful, peaceful, clear, and utterly amazing...

Just like today! How blessed I am! We all are! Thank you! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Rin and SL,

Thanks SL for your .02. I don't know what ACOC, but I was an ACA. I don't understand how that played into my life.

What I do know is that I lived in emotional abuse from the beginning, my mother was narcissitic and my father was emotionally bankrupt. We lived in a world of games ALL the time.

Boundaries is something I have NEVER learned because I didn't think I was worth it. I am learning differently now and want to learn how to recognize when I am not setting a boundary or when a boundary is being crossed so I don't let it happen.

How did you both learn to understand and apply this in your lives?

ACOC is adult child of an alcoholic...I personally think that I am still learning...take for instance this last thing with STBX...I asked four times for him to leave me alone...I took some steps to remove him from my life b/c he wasn't doing what I asked...hence the new email address and the intermediate...that still did not work...so, I told him that if he did not leave me alone that I would get another Restaining Order...

I knew this would work but this was the last step for me, the last boundary that I could set...boundaries are progressive and I got to see this clearly this time...i set a boundary, spoke up, and still the boundary was crossed, making me uncomfortable...so, I had to figure out how to find some peace...set up rules on email accounts, including my work, which he was writing too...and when I had enough I drew the last line in the sand...

Now, I can not cross that line either...I can not make contact b/c if I do that is sending mixed messages to him and I'm very happy where I am today...I know that I have mixed those messages in the apst, now on purpose but b/c I didn't know better...so, I believe that it is a progess which we continue to learn at the time, applying to all aspects of our lives...some easier then others...

We do this with our children, "johnny, do not throw your toys or I will ______!" johnny throws his toys and we enforce whatever if was that we said we would do...Johnny doesn't learn his lesson and doesn't respect your wish and does it again...so, we have to come up with something better...and if the process repeats, the consequences are harder than before...BOUNDARIES! what is acceptable for you, what are you comfortable with...

Does that help?

LOL, What does the second C stand for.

It does help and it's something that I need to learn more about because I don't think that I EVER lived with boundaries in m M. From the time my H cheated when I was pregnant to this latest thing. All these years I thought I was being a Bi..., and making unreasonable demands, but I have to wonder what really is the truth and that's driving me insane. Maybe the things I was asking for wasn't out of line, but setting up a boundary and the both of us just weren't good at setting boundaries for ourselves. I don't think it's just so foggy what really happened.

I really love reading about how you are learning to set boundaries because it helps to give me ideas of what would be a boundary in my life.

Thank you

you mentioned Bi...I have a few things to ask, that may or may not help...but I think that our sitch are more similar that I thought...if you are not comfortable here, my email address is in my bio...

As far as ACOC...I guess it's an off aday, it's supposed to be ACOA...I don't know...it's cloud nine day, i guess... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

I can say this that personally I don't think that you were wrong in the things that you asked in your M...perhaps you were growing up and wanting better, I say this b/c that's what I did...STBX would agree then not follow through, tell me he was okay with it but really wasn't...I wanted it to be just us...but somehow I allowed myself to be sucked in time and time again...trying SO HARD to make him happy, to make him love me the way I needed and wanted to be loved...

But giving ourselves away doesn't ever accomplish want we are after...it only makes matters worst...taking care of ourselves WILL make things better, treating yourself with kindness, not kicking yourself, accepting that you did the best that you could where you were then...today, you are learning better...today, you are learning to let go of what you did then and accept the fact that you did not have the tolls you needed to do things differently...today, you are a better person b/c of it! everything that we go through is part of the learning process, means to a better end...rebirth...recovery...

God giving us our heart's desires!

You have email.... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

WEll, we showed up for French class at the end...I heard that it was at 7 and it was at 6...so next week we will be early...

I'm off to a milk bath with some lavender in it...to read a little and relax... friend of mine said to add some powdered milk to a bath and you get out feeling all soft...well, I felt like a Goddess, so I'm doing it again tonight!

I think the better I treat myself the healthier I become...and I'm actually loving treating myself! I don't hesitate to get something that I like now...tonight I bought myself a candle...oh, it smells so good...

We completely enjoyed our fruit tonight...the pineapples were cut into flower shapes with cantaloupe balls for the middle, tons of strawberries, and some grapes...sweet and juicy...wonderful gift!

I hope that everyone is having a good night...my thread is open to anyone, all the time...for comments or questions...take care!

Hey..Rin...got milk? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

LMAO...sure do? I was just thinking about you! Wondering where you were hiding! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Hope you are doing well! LMAO <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

I alwasy keep an eye on your thread...don't say much...but am always watching. had to comment on the milk thing. Makes me want to go bake some cookies!

LMAO...AHHHH!! Milk it DOES THE BODY GOOD!!! Funny, I went grab a few cookies before I sat down, then you write about baking cookies...SWEET!!!!

LMAO...I'm looking forward to doing as little as possible this weekend...I haven't had a lay around and watch movies weekend in a while...maybe I'll work up the motivation to cut the grass...Lord knows it needs it! Clovers everywhere!

Well, I'm going to finish my book and head to bed...Sweet dreams to all...best wishes and lots of love to go around! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Good Morning! Well, I talked to my paralegal this morning because I had a few questions to ask...one was whether or not we could do the comtempt of court and the final date/judgement all at the same time, which she said yes too...she said that would actually be better because we wouldn't have to pay court twice...So, i'm hoping that happens...

Second, I asked whether or not I was going to have to amend my tax return...STBX's lawyer is asking for me too, but he is still behind on his CS, so I've been told to do nothing right now...

Third, this summer STBX and I go 7/7, so I asked whether CS would be reduced during that time and she said more than likely not because I still have to maintain the house for the kids, but STBX COULD request that;however, a judge probably wouldn't do it...I mentioned that right now he is using my sitter when it's his time and expecting me to pay for it, well, a few days is fine b/c I have to pay for the full week regardless but I'm not about to pay for him to put the kids at MY sitter...

He can pay for his own stuff, if you know what I mean...so she said that was an issue that we would have to address...I just want to have my ducks in a row before we get to that point...b/c if STBX has the opportunity he will walk on me with that one, claiming that's what he pays CS for...sorry buddy it doesn't work that way, perhaps in the past he would have gotten away with doing something like that to me, but not TODAY!!

STXB can kiss my ***! I'm good today, it was just something that occurred to me and I figured I needed to address the issue now...school will be letting out at the end of MAy and the way this D has been going I just thought that I would have to do it now to get an answer for later!

Hey Rin,

When I had my Legal separation drawn up, daycare, or sitter services, or whatever you want to call them, was factored in as part of CS. If you two can come to an agreement on when the kids will be with the sitter, that can be factored in to child support.

If he uses them only sporadically, then that's a bit more tricky, and yes, he will have to pay for them on those days. It's much harder this way, and causes much more conflict in the long haul. I suppose you could have the sitter write up a receipt for how many days the kids are with the sitter when POWS has them, and take that to your lawyer to see if you can factor some sort of alimony or CS from it.

I dunno, just typing what I'm thinkin.

Have a great weekend, Milky-Goddess Rin!

lol...you should REALLY try it! It's great! So far, it's just been a few days, no biggie but I can see him wanting to put them at the sitter 5 of the 7 days he has them...THAT'S a biggie...

Right now, I pay all child care cost, he wants to pay half but I wouldn't allow that b/c I could see him getting HN1 or somebody to watch them or course that was when he was asking for 7/7 custody...I dunno either, we will see...I know that it will all work out and I don't stress about it at all these days..

HI All! I hope that you are having a great day! It was in the 70's yesterday and this morning after all the horrible weather in was in the 40's.

I kept OS home today we was coughing pretty bad, headache, etc...So, he did some breathing treatments and it's starting to break up now. He's got state testing next week and I don't want him to miss that...He's still doing horrible in school so we'll see what the consequences of his behavior is...

I called my lawyer yesterday....even through POWS gave me two CS payments, he still owes me two more...as of the first...so the para said that she would try to get the lawyer to rush it...I have 18 days with no court date set yet...I know, I know, in God's time!

I'm also looking for another job, enough is enough and I need something with benefits...we had an audit and I'm owed some backpay, well, there's a situation with that and my boss and I'm being put into an uncomfortable position which I should not be ask to by put in...apparently I'm being asked to donate some back to the company because "they have take care of me in the past." That's a whole bunch of crap and and I was only on salary when it was convenient for them...

And then there was a day that she paid me for and I had to make up the hours, well, the hours I have made up show up as overtime and I didn't get paid for overtime...basically it amounts to about two weeks of pay for me...

So, after 7 1/2 years of taking this kind of crap I'm done...they refuse to pair a single minute of overtime...and I have gotten screwed more than once. I've stayed because it was convenient, b/c POWS didn't want me to leave, b/c I shouldn't make several life changes all at the same time, and whatever other reason sounded right at the time...

WEll, I've HAD enough...I finally had enough of STBX and got rid of him, well, now's the time for the job! So, I have been sending out my resume for a few weeks now...after I was told that I was now replaceable, then a few days ago, I was told that I was back up to par and being my old self...I had to ask myself what, in a few weeks had changed, and I thought not me in that short period of time, but he's drugs could have! Prescriptions!!!

Today, I spent the day sending out resumes...So, I'm kind of venting about the job today...when I was called into her office yesterday I was just thinking OKay, what have I done NOW! Then, it was about making a donation back to the company...she doesn't even have an amount yet...Makes me sick! talking about all of the stuff I've gone through in the past year, meeting with my lawyers, the kid's being sick, etc...

Seems to me if you do something for me out of the kindness of your heart then you shouldn't expect anything in return...

Just my POV...I just have to have faith that I AM exactly where I need to be and I'm learning a few things on the way!

Rin



All I can say is --YOU GO GIRL! LOL!!!

Smartie

Thanks SP2! How are things going for you?

I'll second that,,,,, Go Girl!

Remember, stick to a Plan. Keep the emotions in proper perspective.

You can do whatever you set your mind to, there is no doubt.

Hope STBX comes through with the CS,,,,,not just so you can have what your boys need, but to save you all of the turmoil that goes with that entire situation.

{{RIN}}