by no means am I able to give advice, I just speak my mind. I guess the GOOD vs. the BAD is not a very good picture to describe what I was trying to say.

Note: Very bad with communication with women. yes, even the internet counts.

What my point was is that we have all experienced hardship with relationships and that is why we are here posting our thoughts and asking for advice.

I believe there is good in every person as well as bad. It's how we present ourselves to others and what society deems appropriate.

I am selfish for wanting my marriage to continue, I am the bad guy in the marriage. I am controling, self centered, arrogant, hurtfull, needy, hard headed, etc. The list goes on but I am sure you understand.

I am just a jerk who got what he deserved. You seem to deserve better is what I was trying to say.

I'm sorry that you feel this way about your marriage. I don't know that Good and Bad was wrong to say, sometimes I feel this site is biased, sometimes I wonder if the other person is that bad or if the person here is that good. That's all I was trying to say. I don't even know that we can analyze our own relationships that well either. I can look at mine from a number of directions and when I do it's a different story every time.

Yes we all have hardships in relationships. I watched a movie the other night, about black married people on a weekend, showing how their marriages were. It was called Why Did I Marry You? I think the movie was quite real, I think anyone married over a year or two could relate to the problems and to the question if they manage to stay married. I think we all have similar issues in many ways. Marriage is very, very hard, more lose then win at the game. It's quite sad. Sad for the good guy, sad for the bad guy. Most sad for kids, I'm sad for my little boy that us grown ups are so stupid and selfish. That we put our needs first. Maybe the day when couples stayed together because they made a commitment, because they had kids together wasn't so bad. We have freedom now to leave, to divorce, to carry on little kids ourselves. I'm not sure what the answer is but all of this hurt and divorce can't be it.

"I'm working to have peace in my life -another reason I'm avoiding the adversarial divorce process I suppose."

Horsey...Do you think if you filed he would be harder to deal with?

No, it's not that. I'm not afraid of him really, I'll admit I am afraid of attorneys and courts and people intervening in my life. We are doing fine without all of that, what we have is working for me and my boy, and my ex. Remember I had a crooked attorney take over my case, lie to me, not listen to a word, and his attorney was the biggest crook in the town I was living in. I don't think you "just go hire an attorney" and get a divorce. But I'm a former journalist, I know way too much about the "system" and I can't imagine that system is effective when it comes to divorce, what I saw was dirty and disgusting. I fired my attorney, left town and his attorney was then fired too. That did the trick. I've tried here and there in my new town to even talk to those people, I'm just not interested. I've been finding peace in my life, quiet and that's where I want to be right now, not in court fighting. I went through the death of a father, a separation, a few moves, financial issues, trying to keep a business healthy in the middle of all of this. Life hasn't been easy. I'm practicing "om"... yoga, meditation, prayer, positive thinking and readings. I've been losing weight, gaining muscle, and am feeling quite good these days. Nothing needs to mess with my state, especially dirty attorneys. I don't know when it'll be time for this, one day it will, maybe next month. I'm just not there yet. Mostly I don't think about him, I am busy with my boy and my life. This just caught me off guard. And yes it upset me more then it should have. I know what reality is here. I could be wrong. It doesn't really matter, truth is he can do what he wants, he does anyways and I can't control it. I can only work on becoming a better, happier and healthier person. I could care less about men or dating or anything really. I don't even like most babysitters enough to leave them with my boy even a night. Being a single mom isn't the greatest but it's life. I doubt there's many single moms with preschoolers that have a social life to begin with, perhaps it steams me that a man can just go do what he wants, and feeling a bit stuck. But this really is where I want to be. I have a good business, some friends, family, a nice home, and my health. It's enough for now.

Well I was thinking more today, this did drag me down and get to me.. more then I thought. Of course I knew he'd be trying to meet someone, but the reality of hearing a "voice" was HARD on me.

I need to have a talk with him, and just tell him how that hurt and figure out what it means. He can't be staying a weekend at my house with my boy, they need to be at hotels, I need a distance from him. I let him in even an inch and it bit me. Before I always made him stay at hotels and didn't let him in my house for long.

I don't know that I'll file for a divorce yet, I'm focusing so hard on my business, am getting caught up on taxes and I feel more at peace these days. I need to stay in this progress mode. He's job hunting and it'll be interesting to see what he does too, although I'm going to quit the codependent think of worrying about what he does, he will do what he will do. I'm in diet/health mode right now.

You are all likely right, I need closure here finally. Perhaps this summer/fall will be the time. I'm sure he'll stay out of state so that'll help with this...

You may be right. If he's out of work, it may not be to your advantage to file for support only to have to redo things after he's employed again? I'm not sure of the details on that, and maybe someone else will chime in.

You have to remember that you were the one that left, right? It was your choice to go, with good reason, but it was still your choice. Just as it's his choice to date. And from what I think I remember from what you've posted in the past, your staying would not have stopped him from being unfaithful? He's responsible for his own behavior, and your son won't be a naive little 3-year-old for long. It would be nice if we could protect our children from disillusionment, but it isn't in their best interests to do that either. Anyway, if we do that it could cause our kids to second guess their decision making and intuition later in life.

Just go with the flow as far as their relationship goes, horsey. And as for you - I think you will know when you're tired of dancing this dance with him and will let go when you're ready.

I think you deserve to be happy, but I also know sometimes it's hard to break away - even from negative forces simply because it's what we're used to dealing with and aren't sure how to move forward. You're brave though; you've proven that, and there isn't a doubt in my mind that you would be fine.

You're pulled in several different directions, but this isn't a life that your mother or we can live for you. It's all yours - I can only encourage you to put your son's well being first and follow your instincts.

Thank you for your thoughts, yes I made this choice and my ex continues to make his, honest or not about what he's REALLY doing the facts are there... I am tired of this dance with him. Yes when I'm READY I will let go. Just right now I'm not up for attorneys and court, not at this time. I don't see a need to hurry as it's gone on so long. But I do need to distance myself from this man more knowing what I know, and have known for a long time. As one shrink said what he says and what he does... they are two different things. It gets old, dealing with a liar. Very tiring. I'm going to keep working on my self improvement, bought a barbell set today, doing weight training and feeling stronger physically at least.

Guess it's getting serious with the little bunny, my boy called his dad tonight, his father was "short" and yes another knock at the door, but this time when my boy said "what is that" he said "the dog's knocking, she needs a walk." The bunny, dog whatever is spending a lot of time with him. My boy asked about spending the weekend at the hotel and he said OF COURSE that's what we'll be doing, spending THE NIGHT AT THE HOTEL. I can't believe I was so completely stupid to let him stay the other weekend in my home, that I cooked for him and had some mini thoughts of us getting together. STUPID. STUPID. He must have gone in another room other then the bunny, dog whatever this person is - so that he could tell my boy that we'll have my birthday party this weekend. I said NO, I wasn't interested. And he was "himself" so obviously there was no audience. SICK MAN. SICK MAN. But yes we know that he's been a liar and a cheater while married. When I go to divorce him and proceed all I get is crying, whining, etc and it works. I"m nice and I don't like others hurting. Does it appear that he's been HURTING THAT BAD LATELY? I know, I know, I know how it works. Single mom with kid stays at home every weekend, 40 years old, and single father in another state 50 something with money, of course some young bunny would be at his door - wouldn't even care that he's been married three times and of course believes his every word. He's very BELIEVABLE. VERY MUCH SO. LIAR. LIAR. LIAR.

AND he denies that anyone knocked on the door or rang a door bell, oh he doesn't have a doorbell he says, that was on tv.... THAT was on tv, a female voice SAYING HIS NAME after he finally answered the doorbell? What sort of a lying pig is this man? Of course he's lied for so long, he thinks I believe his stupid lies. I just can't believe what an idiot I've been.

Shrink says now I'm gong through the grieving process all over again. I told his father that there is NO MORE, that it's confusing to the boy that he hangs out at my home, it happened ONCE and that's IT. The boy is getting older, doesn't even remember his mother and father together. I told him a counselor confirmed it's not appropriate as there's been no marriage relationship, it's all on paper, and that he's seeing someone makes it worse.

What they say about a narrccist, what is it? Do they believe their lies? This DANCE NEEDS TO END. YOU ARE RIGHT. This is getting to exhausting, it's made me old and tired, no exercise, nutrition, positive thinking in the world is going to make up for the harm on my mind and body this relationship had for ten years. NOTHING.