My wife is obsssed with online forums and spends hours each day on them. She has rapports with both male and females. But I noticed personally some of the men were making pretty sexual inuendoes about her. lack of clothes, how sexy , etcc. I asked her about that and she replied that it was innocent and that she never replied. i asked for her to have them stop.That it gives a negaitive image in a public forum setting and shows me no repect. She agreed but than it started happening again. And more provacative and from the same man. I say it was wrong for her and she should have told them to stop and she became very defensive and said I was over jealous. I also caught her the other day flirting innocently with these smily faces back and forth. she said it was unintentional flirting. That I was out of hand and that I am a very jealous man. I am confused. I work travelling much and see females and males but have a different type of idea of innocous flirting. am i wrong here

Who cares if you are right or wrong...the important thing is that it bothers you. Don't make the mistake of telling your wife that something she does is "wrong"...you will only end up in a "right fight". This applies to all things in marriage.

What you say, instead is...I love you and want a happy marriage with you. When you do ________________ I feel_______(hurt, upset, unloved, disrespected.) If you continue I don't know if I can go on loving and respecting you.

She might try and argue that you are WRONG to feel this way...but do not EVER go there. ALWAYS Keep it about you. Say, "Many might never be bothered when a spouse does this thing which you do. But I am not one of those people. It has nothing to do with right or wrong...it is about me and what I need, to go on loving and respecting you."

Thank you Pieta, that is good advice. Although I never said it was wrong what she was doing it just seemed inappropraite. Like he was branding her for his own disegarding any respect for me as they knew she was a married woman.and for all the public and members of the forum to see. Well now she is not talking with me. She is purposely ignoring and continuing this almost EA in front of me despite my opinions. She is a new bride and came from a bad abusive marriage prior.I think she is hooked and sinked that all these people have all the answers and are all her best friends. She emails in work, she emails at home, she has children that I have taken as my own and to me personally don't spend enough time with. When I explain calmly and with respect I get blasted. it only pushes me away and when i do express my self , all fingers point back at me. This is a tuff one.

This behavior is totally unacceptable. If the roles were reversed I doubt that she would be so accepting. She is totally disrespecting you and your marriage. She is flirting with other men and others with in a sexual manner as well. No consequences to her actions equals no motivation to change. You did not get married to a woman so she could spend all of her free time communicating with other men. This for most people would be a deal breaker.

She is acting like she is single. She shows you no respect by engaging in such behavior. You need to ask yourself what is the point in being married with someone who engages in such behavior and refuses to stop? Do you really wish to live the rest of your life this way? This is at the beginning of your marriage? I would think about the merits of an annulment and think about contacting an attorney to understand your options. I wish you luck.

That is exactly my feelings on all of this. I know the nasty pointing stick was being pointed in my direction. It all beacme about me and the harsh truth of the matter in discussing this with her and her having the breeze point back in my direction. My jealousy, my hardened harmful words, my insecurities etc.. I get the response that you knew I am online and it passes my time away and they are all my best friends. Like NO I am your husband. And the more I explain the more she changes the story to appease her reasoning. Now she says she is having second thoughts about us, and all. Im hurt but not that she wants this to end now but that she pointed the nasty guilt finger at me. I thank you for valiadating what i knew anyway.

Spending too much time on message boards is a "soft addiction." I am aware of this because it is my soft addiction too <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />. Every now and then, I have to swear off message boards for a day -- a week -- a month. Whatever helps. Because it eats up a lot of time can cause bumps in our marriage.

(Just about time for me to take a break from MB too!)

So you have two issues combined -- soft addiction and inappropriate flirting. Try addressing both these issues at once, because it is her soft addiction that leads her to give herself permission to flirt in a "safe" anonymous environment. (I don't do that kind of flirting myself because your prediction is right, it can only lead to trouble.)

I would try weaning her off by slowly replacing her time online with time spent with you. She has to draw the conclusion herself that her flirting is inappropriate; do you have a friend or relative that can help her see your point of view?

I was doing a terrible thing, going to a bar and labeling it "safe" because it was a family-style chain that closed early (plus I don't like to drink) -- and my behavior "fine" because I told everyone right off the bat that I was married -- socialized with both men and women with no intent for a relationship other than friendship. But -- I went too far one night (not an affair or anything close, just wrong choices putting this establishment ahead of my husband.) Caused a BIG blow up. NO place is "safe" for inappropriate flirting, but I had to reach that conclusion myself. My DH helped me get there, but it was me that had to stop myself.

Here is a very good link on soft addictions:

http://www.lifechallenges.org/create/WrightJ.html

Now I am not sure if you should address them both at once or not. Dr. Harley won't treat someone until they have first overcome their addiction -- because they won't make any effort to make the marriage work. It might be wiser to help her get over her addiction first, then work on the marriage.

I'm at the point where I need to 'fess this to my husband so he can help. Obviously, your wife is not there yet. She is thinking this behavior is harmless.

Maybe if you could set aside the jealousy for a little while and focus on a list of other reasons she might want to overcome the soft addiction, such as:

It takes away from our couple time.
It makes me feel left out when you are typing away, and I want to spend time with you.
I want you to come to me when you need help instead of going to strangers only.
I am here for you and need only to hear what is going on in your heart so that I can help you in the way you need.

Things like that. I hope this helps.

Yes I am talking 4 hours a night as if it was like football season. Everynight 7 days a week. Her children see her less, intelectually at least. But the worse was how grahic this man was in his sexual connontations about her. If you can think disgusting thats what these were. and the eexscuses to I never saw them to oh I paid those no mind and did I reply back to them. I said no but they are on there for all to see. Its no worse than me sitting in the bar and saying the same things to a woman.

I am really sorry what you are going through but this again is totally unacceptable. She is disrespecting and humiliating you and your marriage. I will repeat the old saying: No consequences to her actions equals no motivation to change. What are the consequences to her actions? Apparently there are none. She is showing no respect to you at all. If you do not respect yourself then who will?

You need to sit her down and make it quite clear that you have no intention of remaining in a marriage where your wife engages and accepts sexual messages from various men. Maybe this will be a wake-up call to her. I do not see how you could feel any respect for a wife that would humiliate you is such a trashy way. One more time: No consequences to her actions equals no motivation to change.

I can only re-emphasize -- please don't focus on the jealousy angle or hold your wife responsible for the posts that other men make. She will only dig her heels in deeper and resent you more. She will start to confide these problems to these people.

I see a big "in" for you. She is sacrificing one-on-one time with her children! She needs to realize how much that is affecting your family. Four hours a day! Definitely an addiction.

My son is not here most of the time, but when he is, he often plays video games while I'm online. I have to force myself to do things with him. With both my work and hobbies being on the internet, my DH would have a very workable guilt trip for me if he pointed out I was neglecting my son when he visits. I would feel so terrible.

Try to take an eraser to the issue with OM for now. Focus on getting your wife back in your life. Game night with kids? Bowling? Working on a recipe together?

My husband and I have gotten into jigsaw puzzles lately. It gives us time to talk, watch tv, and just be together. Plus, now we are starting a collection. We bought foam boards from craft supply stores wo we could store them for framing at a later date.

There are all kinds of fun things for families -- and couples -- to do together.

Print out the information on spending 15 hours of undivided time together from this site. Show it to your wife. If you focus on her obligations as a wife and a mother, I believe you will get the results you want vs. attacking her for the actions of others.

I wish you the best.

I am wondering how things are going?

My husband has found several clever ways to lure me of the computer:

~ Making coffee but not bringing it to me.
~ Starting a movie or tv show he knows I want to see.
~ Running a bath and calling me to join him.
~ Throwing hair bands at me (not shooting them) as a tease.
~ Calling my name, but not telling me what he needs until I go to the room he is in.
~ Laughing and playing with DS6 until I get so curious I have to see what's going on.
~ Going to buy (and bringing home) take-out snacks or a meal he knows I love.

Clever man!

Well it has gone from bad to worse. Reasoning and explaining in a soft and non - threatening tone did nothing. Actually I got the same answer over and over again, That I am jealous and reading way too much into this. That I was spying and a liar . She continued her shenanigans online with now unintentional flirting as she called it. Well I lost it. The verbal assault and comments I made only made things worse. She refused to stop and moved out. Had me banned from the forums which we both used and claimed harrasment. So I am presuming it over. I still feel as if I am right . I agree my outburst was uncalled for but used it when nothing worked.

I agree totally . She viewed the whole matter as my problem. She wanted to be "ONE OF THE GUYS" Comments like being naked in a hot tub, seeing her with no panties, under the sheets, your so hot, see your p____/cat , was to me disgusting and just wrong. Anyway... I thought I could fix her from a previous bad marriage. Talking calmly did nothing, I ended up calling her the nastiest of names.

This was totally unacceptable. It is good that she moved out. Staying in a relationship where the other spouses treated you with such humiliation and disrespect would have only destroyed your self esteem in time. She clearly was not serious being in a relationship with you.

Well oddly enough it has. She actually believes that all thsespeople are her friends and now is actually cyber dating this guy. I thank you for seeing it thru my eyes.

But did you really want her out? This may have gone better on the infidelity board. In retrospect, a Plan A approach may have gone better towards the goal of keeping her home.

If you really wanted her out, you got what you wanted.

If you knew a bit more than we did -- perhaps that she was serious about a particular guy etc? -- then you were dealing with an emotional affair, not just cyber flirting.

Now that she's left, it could turn into a physical affair. I'm so sorry this happened. Trek on over to the Infidelity board if you decide you want her back. I wish you the best.