|
|
Joined: Dec 2007
Posts: 66
Member
|
OP
Member
Joined: Dec 2007
Posts: 66 |
Coming back after a few weeks away - let me give you a quick summary of my situation and where I am now. My husband, Colonel in US Army - Commander while in Iraq this past year, came back and told me that he didn't love me anymore. I thought it was PTSD, but soon found out about his affair. I found out this week - he met her while on a public plane (after the children and I said goodbye to him) on his way to the army plane that was taking him to Iraq for his tour. They talked on the plane and exchanged email addresses. She is a 44 yr old woman, never married, no ties or issues - she had tons of time to focus on him while I took care of the children, bills, military families. The affair happened for over a year - on his 2 week leave, they had sex while visiting us here at home while having sex with me. He came back and they had sex continuously while I worked and took care of everything at home. I thought I was giving him time to recover from Iraq - how stupid was I? I even set up time for him to go to the ocean to clear his head - he took her with him. Now he is leaving me, we are divorcing, he is fighting me to get the children - ages 4 & 8. Yes, our 14yr marriage was typical - got stale and needed a jump start - we were not there for each other emotionally or physically because of daily issues. But we always loved each other - we just did not take care of our relationship. We both admit to fault on that. We both are crying over the situation. But he says it is too late now and he doesn't love me he loves her. I don't think I can ever forgive him and I am telling him to go. Why do I feel so sad! What do I do now?
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Feb 2005
Posts: 1,975
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Feb 2005
Posts: 1,975 |
Sally, First and foremost, stop starting new threads and soliciting input and advice from the folks here and then never returning to indicate whether or not you followed any of the advice. Please see the posts to you below from 31 Jan. So what have done to help end the affair, to secure your assets and protect your self? Sally,
I'm not sure I understand your situation completely. You say that you have filed for divorce. I am assuming that you have obtained legal counsel to accomplish this.
In every state that I know of, a property settlement, support and child custody agreement is either a precursor or a part of a divorce agreement.
What forms of support and property did your attorney include in the agreement?
I know for a fact that the military will require your WH to provide you with support, at a minimum in the amount of his BAH.
I am sorry you are here, but it is now time for you to toughen up and start protecting yourself and your children.
Expose the affair. No YOU can't make him end the affair. But there are things like exposure that will help him see the need to end it. Exposure will make him vulnerable to pressure of others. He will no longer be able to live in the fantasy land where he carries on his affair in secret and acts like a honorable Army officer in public.
What have you learned about the OW other than her age, marital status and profession? How do you know these things that you know? Have you considered exposing the affair to her employer, her parents, anyone who might help put pressure on her to end the affair?
There are so many things that you could be doing, and from what I can see, you haven't done any of them.
That is fine if you want your marriage to end, but even then, you need to act to protect yourself and your children from poverty.
Please get busy.
Who Sally,
Think about it... did I steer you wrong with Military One Source?....No...
You've been given great advice by alot of people here...
I think you're afraid to do what you know needs to be done... You're the only one in your situation... you have to make the choices about what is "the right thing to do" in your situation.
NOW NOW NOW! Is the time be STRONG and conquer your fear...
Don't be afraid to ACT...If you do nothing... guess what happens.... that's right .... nothing... And it probably gets worse...you'll get steam rolled by your wayward husband wating for SOMETHING to change... You have to make the changes... changes for the benifit of yourself and your kids...not changes in him... Think of it this way... Right now YOU are the only sane one in your marriage and YOU have to be the one who steps up to the plate and makes SANE choices durring this time of chaos...
That's called COURAGE... (The mental or moral strength to venture, persevere, and withstand danger, fear, or difficulty) GOT ANY? I think you do... You just have to dig down and get it... Right now!
You're right... you can't end the affair... He has to...
Read the Carrot and the Stick of plan A by Pepperband... the whole post...
One more thing...
Stay on this post... don't start a new one...
And for the benifit of others... cut and paste your story from the previous post in this one... that way the board members won't have to go from post to post trying to figure out what's going on...
Stay strong Sally...
You can do it...
I am the BW,
He is the FWH
D-Day: 12/02/03
Recovered
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Dec 2007
Posts: 66
Member
|
|
OP
Member
Joined: Dec 2007
Posts: 66 |
Ok - I am sorry about starting new threads - I will keep to this one. What have I done? I have protected myself and my children by filing for divorce. The only people I have not told about the affair is his commanding officer and his civilian boss. I have told all family and friends. He is withdrawn and stopped talking to anyone but his lover. By telling his boss and his commander - all I do there is try to get back at him for vendictive reasons. I will only look like a nasty person. The Army doesn't care about external affairs - although I did tell another Army wife and she was so upset that my husband was thinking about an affair vs her husband's safety. He is telling me that he just doesn't love me anymore. I need to accept that right? I read HOW TO SURVIVE AN AFFAIR I gave him the book. He tossed it and never read it. Is this it?
As or her - she is a 44 year old, never married, never divorced, drama teacher. No children. Although my husband said she would love to have kids. My kids!!!! I am sick!!! She met him on the plane to go to the staging area for Iraq. She must have known he was married. He had a ring on. She knew what she was doing! She saw he was a Colonel. She went after him and now she is going after my children!!
What path do I take? What training or materials should I read?
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Dec 2002
Posts: 15,310
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Dec 2002
Posts: 15,310 |
Since you read SAA, why didn't you do PLAN A rather than filing for divorce? You didn't seem to gather much understanding of the book.
I made it happen..a joyful life..filled with peace, contentment, happiness and fabulocity.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Dec 2007
Posts: 66
Member
|
|
OP
Member
Joined: Dec 2007
Posts: 66 |
Because I found a text message - Italy? I was afraid they would run off and I would have to pay for it. There is no way to protect myself financially in my state but to file for divorce. How can I do plan A when he isn't willing to be with me to start Plan A. Help me to understand how and what to do.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Dec 2002
Posts: 15,310
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Dec 2002
Posts: 15,310 |
PLAN A is about YOU ...not about getting HIM to do anything.
It would involve YOU telling him that YOU want him to come home to work on the marriage.
Agreeing to a DIVORCE is EXACTLY what a WAYWARD wants you to do. It's like your acceptance of the affair and evidences that you are not FIGHTING for your marriage.
I don't know your particulars.
It may be too late.
I made it happen..a joyful life..filled with peace, contentment, happiness and fabulocity.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Feb 2005
Posts: 1,975
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Feb 2005
Posts: 1,975 |
sally, The Army doesn't care about external affairs The heck they don't. There are more officers sitting in prison at Leavenworth than most people realize for adultry. By failing to expose to his superior, you failed to use a very powerful tool. Married officers engaging in adultry is very disruptive to good order and discipline and without these things it is very difficult to accomplish the mission. Family is very important to the Army and any Commander who knew that an O6 was engaging in an affair and looked the other way would be jeopardizing his or her own career. Your WH could lose his clearance for his actions. Have you exposed to the OW place of employment? You mentioned that he was seeking custody of your two very young children. What grounds is he, an unfaithful husband, using to justify this? Sadly, Mimi might be right and it might be too late. You do still have to get yourself a really good lawyer to fight your WH for custody. I find it highly unlikely that any judge would take your children away from you and give custory to a cheating WH who is subject to overseas deployments. Is there some reason you believe this might happen? Who
I am the BW,
He is the FWH
D-Day: 12/02/03
Recovered
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Dec 2007
Posts: 66
Member
|
|
OP
Member
Joined: Dec 2007
Posts: 66 |
Thank you! No - I think and my lawyer thinks it can't happen. But I am scared. The children are all I have. I am sure this woman would love to have children - but with her current moral code - I can't let that happen! She knew he was married and she knew he had a loving family. She was mad when he went to a superbowl party with me and threatened to come to our house to dump his clothes on our front step. I think she is sick. But my husband is totally falling for it. He thinks she is wonderful!
If I go to the commanding officer - who I know - what if my husband gets so angry he hurts me. He knows how to kill people. I am scared. He says he would never hurt me - but he also said he loved me - I can't trust him anymore. He is very quiet and sad. I just called the VA suicide line - they want him to call them. I don't think he would - but I just don't know anymore.
Do you understand why I am not speaking out?
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Nov 2007
Posts: 1,788 Likes: 2
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Nov 2007
Posts: 1,788 Likes: 2 |
I am sure this woman would love to have children - but with her current moral code - I can't let that happen! She knew he was married and she knew he had a loving family. She was mad when he went to a superbowl party with me and threatened to come to our house to dump his clothes on our front step. I think she is sick. But my husband is totally falling for it. He thinks she is wonderful! Sounds just like the FatSlag except that she actually did send around a bag of clothes and yep, they fall for it - its called 'the fog'. My WH told me one day that Slag would be a better mother than me - he seriously believed that my children would prefer a deranged middleaged ex-felon to me! Fog Central. They would never have even spoken to her. If I go to the commanding officer - who I know - what if my husband gets so angry he hurts me Nah, you are making excuses. People with no history of violence do not suddenly lash out at someone they love. Do you understand why I am not speaking out? Nope, sorry
3 adult children
Divorced - he was a serial adulterer
Now remarried, thank you MB
(formerly lied_to_again)
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1 |
Is this Groundhog Day?? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" />
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Dec 2007
Posts: 66
Member
|
|
OP
Member
Joined: Dec 2007
Posts: 66 |
Groundhog Day? Are you saying that I keep reliving this pain? That I am not doing anything? This is just awful and I know it. I want to stop the pain. But again, he wants to be with her. His feelings are so dead towards me. He is just living in the house now to get custody of the kids. Are you saying that I still have a chance? We both said to each other yesterday - If I could turn back time and fix the issues we would. But I asked him today if we still had a chance - he said no, our marriage is dead for now. What can I do?
And to tell you the truth - he is such a different person than the man I fell in love with. He is nasty and grumpy. I said to myself that I would be a model wife and mother this weekend. He walked in the door grumpy and sad. I still say he is mentally ill from Iraq and he doesn't know it. There is a big part of me that says, let the OW deal with him - he is not the best slice in the loaf. But I still love him. Uhh! Why is this so hard.
Last edited by sallyg; 02/15/08 07:09 PM.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1 |
sally, I am saying that all of your threads are just alike. You tell us your tale, we give you advice: EXPOSE, and you ignore us and start all over again. Groundhog Day!
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Dec 2002
Posts: 15,310
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Dec 2002
Posts: 15,310 |
And your situation is no different than most others here..the same PLANS and ADVICE apply..and would HELP you..
I made it happen..a joyful life..filled with peace, contentment, happiness and fabulocity.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1 |
Mimi is right, why won't you let us help you?
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Dec 2002
Posts: 15,310
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Dec 2002
Posts: 15,310 |
he is such a different person than the man I fell in love with. That's because he is having an affair NOW..TYPICAL WH... I said to myself that I would be a model wife and mother this weekend. To do PLAN A, you would do this REGARDLESS of what HE SAYS or DOES. There is a big part of me that says, let the OW deal with him - he is not the best slice in the loaf. But I still love him. Uhh! Why is this so hard. This is a MAJOR LIFE TRAUMA for any of us who have experienced this...that's why it's HARD...
Last edited by mimi_here; 02/15/08 07:47 PM.
I made it happen..a joyful life..filled with peace, contentment, happiness and fabulocity.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: May 2002
Posts: 6,473
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: May 2002
Posts: 6,473 |
But again, he wants to be with her. His feelings are so dead towards me...............
Sally, nearly all of the people that come to MB have this same problem with their spouse.
He is just living in the house now to get custody of the kids. Are you saying that I still have a chance?
Yes, you still have a chance. I suggest you call the Harleys , and have them help you with a plan to save your marriage. They are very good at what they do.
But I asked him today if we still had a chance - he said no, our marriage is dead for now. What can I do?
Again, nearly all who come here have a spouse who is saying that. However, many of these same marriages end up being saved.
If you believe him, and you let him divorce you without exposing, and doing all that you can to end his affair, and bring him back to the marriage, you may regret it later.
That's why you are getting the advice you are getting. It's worked on many other cases, and we think it's your best chance to save your own marriage.
You have to have faith, and a starting place. If you really do what to save your marriage, don't give up, and don't listen to your H.
Instead, listen to these folks, call the Harleys, and get a plan. Then run the plan.
Please don't take these posts to you the wrong way. We want so much to see you succeed, and be happy with your own H.
It's hard to convince you that you really might be able to save your marriage, but that's what this site is all about, and many, many others have made it work.
SS
I think sometimes about all the pain in the world. I hope we can ease that here, even if only a little bit.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1 |
Sally, your H is the CLASSIC wayward we see here EVERY DAY. It is a garden variety, standard affair, no different from the others. We have seen much worse cases than yours come back from the dead.
If you will spend time reading here, you will find that the things your H is saying are TEXTBOOK fogbabbling just like the others.
Why not at least TRY? You have nothing to lose and everything to GAIN.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jan 2008
Posts: 1,541
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Jan 2008
Posts: 1,541 |
Hi Sally... I'm going to cut and paste a couple of post's from one of your other threads.
Here's one from me...
Sally...
I know I've talked to you about this before...
Fileing for divorce... or getting a leagal separation is to protect you and your kids...
Ask for...
You to retain the residence for you and the kids...
Kids must not have any contact with other woman...
50% of his gross pay.
for him to pay all of your Lawyer fees and all of the court fees.
for him to pay all of the Health insurance...and any premiums and co-pay
temporary spousal support.
Half of his retirement
half of his Thrift Savings Plan
Half of all marital assets.
Full ownership of your home...
alimony..
ETC ETC ETC...
Give your husband a taste of what divorced life will be like for him and this might give him a wake-up call...
After the Temporary Order is in effect... do nothing....
stall...
this will give you time to work on a plan and the affair time to die... and If it takes 2 or 3 years to finalize the divorce the OW probably wont last that long... She'll get tired of waiting...and you can stop the divorce when you want...
Quote:
44 year old never married teacher.
Do you think there might... possibly...be... a reason for this?...Like... she's a psyco?... or a control freak???
WH is going to find out why once he gets to spend more time with her... I'll bet he comes running back licking his wounds...
BH, 46
STBXWW, 41, Serial Cheater
D-Day #1 5-26-2006 (Our Wedding Aniversary)
D-Day #2 12-26-2007
D-Day #3 5-11-2008
Separated 1-5-2008
STBX filed for divorce March 2009
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Dec 2007
Posts: 66
Member
|
|
OP
Member
Joined: Dec 2007
Posts: 66 |
Ok Ok I so get it. I understand. He came home tonight in an awful mood. Moody almost angry at all of us that he is stuck here with us. Not nice to the children yet trying hard to do fatherly things. Usually he is a good dad, but tonight he is grumpy. He wants nothing to do with me. I am being over nice. I asked him if something is wrong. No answer. I still say he is mentally ill from the war, the affair, the divorce. I will be super great this weekend, but I'll tell you - this alien that has invaded my husband's body is not who I want. he is scary and ugly. Where did my husband go? Is this the fog?
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jan 2008
Posts: 1,541
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Jan 2008
Posts: 1,541 |
Here's another from me...
One other thing...
Quote:
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
He comes into my bedroom every night to fight. It is almost like a power trip for him. He was so used to ordering everyone around. He is abusing me. There is no legal actions I can take. Please help me. I want peace.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Go to the Leagal office on base and talk to them about getting a
MILITARY RESTRAINING ORDER.
Tell tell them exactly what is in that quote...tell them you've filed for divorce but he won't leave you alone and that you're afraid for your safety and the childrens safety...If he's made any verbal threats to your safety tell them that...If they give you and crap about giving you a restraining order... Just tell them fine... I hope you have a good time explaing to the General why his CO's spouse in on TV telling the world that we would not help her when she needed it...
I'll bet you get the restraining order...
This does several things....Lets his chain of command know that all is not well on the home front... If he has anger issues he'll be ordered to go to anger managment classes... It documents any physical or mental abuse that he has done and possibly gets him out of the house...
And if there's any physical abuse... report it... he'll get a wake up call from the Chain of command real quick....
STOP WORRING ABOUT HIS CAREER... If his career gets screwed up because of his choices thats on him... Letting his chain of command know about his DIS-HONERABLE actions is the right thing to do... By not telling his chain of command YOU ARE ENABLING HIM to do the very thing you don't want him to do....
Just my opinion...
BH, 46
STBXWW, 41, Serial Cheater
D-Day #1 5-26-2006 (Our Wedding Aniversary)
D-Day #2 12-26-2007
D-Day #3 5-11-2008
Separated 1-5-2008
STBX filed for divorce March 2009
|
|
|
|
0 members (),
369
guests, and
46
robots. |
|
Key:
Admin,
Global Mod,
Mod
|
|
|
|
