Welcome to the
Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum

This is a community where people come in search of marriage related support, answers, or encouragement. Also, information about the Marriage Builders principles can be found in the books available for sale in the Marriage Builders® Bookstore.
If you would like to join our discussion forum, please read the Announcement Forum for instructions, rules, & guidelines.
The members of this community are peers and not professionals. Professional coaching is available by clicking on the link titled Coaching Center at the top of this page.
We trust that you will find the Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum to be a helpful resource for you. We look forward to your participation.
Once you have reviewed all the FAQ, tech support and announcement information, if you still have problems that are not addressed, please e-mail the administrators at mbrestored@gmail.com
Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 3 of 7 1 2 3 4 5 6 7
Joined: Jan 2008
Posts: 1,541
A
Member
Offline
Member
A
Joined: Jan 2008
Posts: 1,541
Quote
So this is a good sign that I want to learn these things. Right?


Yes this is a very good sign.

Quote
I told him to sleep on things and read SUVIVING AN AFFAIR.

Not a good thing... That's your wepon against the affair... you don't want to give away all your strategies...

Have him read His needs her needs.. or fall in love stay in love... You need to read them too...

Quote
Is what he is saying fog or is there no chance for him to love me again? Do I want to be with this terrible person that doesn't love me but feels pity on me for the sake of the children's happiness?


It's all fog babble... don't be surprized if he want's to stay one day and wants a divorce the next... He's in a state of confusion... Both of you can fall in love with each other again but it will take a lifestyle change and time.

Righ now you need to plan A your [censored] off... I'll see if I can find some links for you... Start with the carrot and the stick of plan A...


BH, 46
STBXWW, 41, Serial Cheater
D-Day #1 5-26-2006 (Our Wedding Aniversary)
D-Day #2 12-26-2007
D-Day #3 5-11-2008
Separated 1-5-2008
STBX filed for divorce March 2009
Joined: Jan 2008
Posts: 1,541
A
Member
Offline
Member
A
Joined: Jan 2008
Posts: 1,541
I wouldn't even have him read a book... He's not in the state of mind to be receptive and it would probably come across as a love buster to him...

You can't educate a wayward spouse...So dont try...


BH, 46
STBXWW, 41, Serial Cheater
D-Day #1 5-26-2006 (Our Wedding Aniversary)
D-Day #2 12-26-2007
D-Day #3 5-11-2008
Separated 1-5-2008
STBX filed for divorce March 2009
Joined: Jan 2008
Posts: 1,541
A
Member
Offline
Member
A
Joined: Jan 2008
Posts: 1,541
Quote
he came home after being with her all night and day and now he says he wants to try to save our marriage. He says it can not be saved, but for the sake of the children (ages 4&8) he wants to try.

More fog babble...

Quote
After talking with his mom - he went back over to her house to talk. OW told him to try his marriage and that she loves him enough to let him go.

How do you know what the OW said? Because he told you? I wouldn't believe anything he says right now...

Just watch his actions...

Quote
is all this normal?

Yes... It's normal...You're going through the same things that everyone here has gone through...

You're on the right path Sally.


BH, 46
STBXWW, 41, Serial Cheater
D-Day #1 5-26-2006 (Our Wedding Aniversary)
D-Day #2 12-26-2007
D-Day #3 5-11-2008
Separated 1-5-2008
STBX filed for divorce March 2009
Joined: Jan 2008
Posts: 1,541
A
Member
Offline
Member
A
Joined: Jan 2008
Posts: 1,541


BH, 46
STBXWW, 41, Serial Cheater
D-Day #1 5-26-2006 (Our Wedding Aniversary)
D-Day #2 12-26-2007
D-Day #3 5-11-2008
Separated 1-5-2008
STBX filed for divorce March 2009
Joined: Dec 2007
Posts: 3,499
N
Member
Offline
Member
N
Joined: Dec 2007
Posts: 3,499
(((Sally)))

Good to see you tonight. Yes it is a good thing you want to try a go at it. But honestly, you need to make this a firm decision. You will have days where you don't want this, there will be days you will be craving a D, but if you stay firm in your decision to wait on those, it will help with the rollercoaster ride. Heck, when I told my MC that I had looked into D and what it all entails and came away with a peace about doing D, she thought I was filing the next day. I told her I wasn't planning on it, I am still too emotional for a decision like that, but I wanted to know what a D entailed and what to be prepared for. The information actually helped me to put my focus on saving my M and making changes for me.

What do you mean he asked you what you wanted???? Which, btw is a infamous WS question. I get it all the time.

So what you do is Plan A. So very basic guidelines on Plan A are

1. meet all emotional needs of spouse
2. stop all love busters
3. have no expectations

Do you know what emotional needs are??? If not, read up on those and try to figure out which one's are your WS.

Do you know what Love Busters are??? If not, read up on those as well and try and figure out which are the ones you do.

No expectations...that means you will meet your WS emotional needs and stop all LB's and not EXPECT any of your EN's to be meet or his LB's to stop. It also means you will do those things without EXPECTING any kind of reaction from him.

Now, I know that will infuriate you. Heck, it does me too. But, Plan A is not something that supposed to be long term, not while the A is still going on.

Have you read "Surviving An Affair"? If so, re-read it.

Are you interested in doing MC with the Harley's??? Something to consider.

Also, be prepared that if he says he is ending contact with his other person (OP), that he WILL relapse. In fact, EXPECT that. Think of him as a drug addict needing his fix.

And last but certainly not least, stay on these boards. Especially when you are mad, angry, hurt, or frusterated. This will be a lifeline for you. There is nothing like surrounding yourself with folks who know what you are going through....

not2fun

Joined: Jan 2008
Posts: 1,541
A
Member
Offline
Member
A
Joined: Jan 2008
Posts: 1,541
N2F,

Another great post...

See... You give great advice...

And I saw what you said earlier... It's easier to see the right path when it's someone besides yourself...

I concur... But that's why this board is a life saver for me... I get good advice from people who have been there and are not emotionally involved in my relationship...


BH, 46
STBXWW, 41, Serial Cheater
D-Day #1 5-26-2006 (Our Wedding Aniversary)
D-Day #2 12-26-2007
D-Day #3 5-11-2008
Separated 1-5-2008
STBX filed for divorce March 2009
Joined: Dec 2007
Posts: 3,499
N
Member
Offline
Member
N
Joined: Dec 2007
Posts: 3,499
Thanks Amazin

Now if I could only follow my own posts.... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

Joined: Dec 2007
Posts: 66
S
sallyg Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
S
Joined: Dec 2007
Posts: 66
Thanks for advice. So it is now 11:30 - at 10:30 I asked for his phone so he could not call or text her. He said that she was so upset when he left he needed to make sure she was ok. I said then give it to me after tonight, and he didn't answer. He again said he was sorry, I said back holding his hand, "I love you more than you will ever understand." I went to bed.

At 11:15, he knocked on my door and told me that she took pills. He needed to call her. I told him to call 911 and go back to bed. He said that this is not the first time she has taken pills. What type of woman is this? What has my husband brought into our home w our children?

He went downstairs to talk with her. I heard him tell her about my wanting him to take a few days before we talk and decide if we want to save the marriage. I think I heard him tell her he loved her and said good night. He then saw me listening. He was crying and he again told me that he was sorry. He asked that I make an appointment to go marriage theraphy. I held his hand and told him that he needed to give himself a break - that so many soldiers are committing suicide or getting addicted when they return. He just needs to get better. This man is so messed up on so many levels. I will work to get him help. But how do I get rid of physco chickee?

Joined: Sep 2003
Posts: 27,069
B
Member
Offline
Member
B
Joined: Sep 2003
Posts: 27,069
Hang in there. You can do this. She is using threats of harming herself to hold on to him. And he, being a white knight kind of guy, is falling for it.

You are doing very well. He feels safe in talking to you about this. Keep it up.

And don't worry if he only wants to save the marriage because of the kids. Doesn't matter right now why, just that he is open to the idea.

Joined: Jan 2008
Posts: 1,541
A
Member
Offline
Member
A
Joined: Jan 2008
Posts: 1,541
Quote
But how do I get rid of physco chickee?

Hmmm you cant... he has to decide to get rid of her... or she has to decide to get rid of him... You need to make yourself the most attractive alternative for your husband when it happens...

Oh... I just wanted to point something out in one of my other posts...

quote:

44 year old never married teacher.


Do you think there might... possibly...be... a reason for this?...Like... she's a psyco?... or a control freak???

WH is going to find out why once he gets to spend more time with her... I'll bet he comes running back licking his wounds...


Keep reading Sally... I've given you some great links... read them... Read your books... keep learning...


BH, 46
STBXWW, 41, Serial Cheater
D-Day #1 5-26-2006 (Our Wedding Aniversary)
D-Day #2 12-26-2007
D-Day #3 5-11-2008
Separated 1-5-2008
STBX filed for divorce March 2009
Joined: Oct 2007
Posts: 395
L
Member
Offline
Member
L
Joined: Oct 2007
Posts: 395
Hang in there Sally <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

Thinking of you and wishing you the strength to believe in yourself enough to do what you need to do...

L2F

Last edited by Learning2Fly; 02/19/08 08:11 PM.

If God is a DJ, life is a dance floor, you get what you're given, it's all how you use it... Pink
Joined: Feb 2005
Posts: 1,975
W
Member
Offline
Member
W
Joined: Feb 2005
Posts: 1,975
Sally,

Quote
Would you direct me or summarize A&B for me?


I already sent this to you.

IMHO, I believe that the reason your WH is angry is because he is so conflicted about what he is doing. Honestly, he is addicted to this OW and I don't think that he will be able to go to NC without you exposing the affair to his COC.

Exposure is pretty much considered an essential tool around here for ending the affair, but you have to do what you chose to do.

It also appears to me that the OW must sense that he may not end up leaving you and may stay and work on the marriage. She sounds like she doesn't want a part time relastionship with your WH, she wants the whole deal and won't settle for less.

That is why she is really desperate at this point, ie. taking pills etc. I have been there with my FWH's OW, as soon as he decided that the A was a mistake and tried to end it, she started trying every trick in the book to keep him involved with her.

Her actions did succeed in keeping the A going for a few more months during which my FWH got increasingly angry with everyone.

I still really think that you need to expose the affair and I also think that you need to just take deep breaths and be still.

FWIW, this is not over, and neither is your marriage.

Who


I am the BW,
He is the FWH
D-Day: 12/02/03

Recovered
Joined: Jul 2001
Posts: 5,247
L
Member
Offline
Member
L
Joined: Jul 2001
Posts: 5,247
Schedule an appointment with Steve Harley IMMEDIATELY!

He said he wants you to schedule a marriage therapy session -- USE THE BEST!

Go to a Marriage Builders weekend! Check those out!

And do you know her information? Her name and address?
Next time she pulls a suicide stunt YOU call 911 and send them to her house.

Joined: Feb 2005
Posts: 1,975
W
Member
Offline
Member
W
Joined: Feb 2005
Posts: 1,975
Quote
Next time she pulls a suicide stunt YOU call 911 and send them to her house.


Great Idea!!!


I am the BW,
He is the FWH
D-Day: 12/02/03

Recovered
Joined: Oct 2004
Posts: 739
C
Member
Offline
Member
C
Joined: Oct 2004
Posts: 739
Be careful with the 911 call.

OW could spin that into you making a prank call unwarrranted when they arrive.

If she is playing the pity card. I suspect she is... What is she going to tell the EMT's when they arrive?

"I don't know what your talking about, I'm fine..."

Meanwhile 911 operators have you on record.

On the other hand, a phone call to the police, requesting advice on how to handle OW's potential suicidal threat would cover your butt. I suspect would also generate a visit to her home.

-JKT

Joined: Nov 2007
Posts: 1,786
Likes: 1
L
Member
Offline
Member
L
Joined: Nov 2007
Posts: 1,786
Likes: 1
Hi Sally
Just wanted to jump onto your thread to say that my H had a psycho who did the suicide thing too. Turned him off on the spot. It is a massive LB!

No wayward, however foggy, is going to want to continue a relationship that is built on blackmail. Takes all the fun out of it!

Good luck and you are making great progress


3 adult children
Divorced - he was a serial adulterer
Now remarried, thank you MB
(formerly lied_to_again)
Joined: Oct 2007
Posts: 395
L
Member
Offline
Member
L
Joined: Oct 2007
Posts: 395
Quote
Next time she pulls a suicide stunt YOU call 911 and send them to her house

My MC told my WW if OM was lying bleeding in the street to call 911 and NOT let him in the house...

Sally, you're doing great!!!

One common theme that runs throughout your posts does concern me, though.

You mention what "this war is doing to marriages", and that it has "left him totally screwed up", etc...

One thing I'd caution you NOT to do is try to psychoanalyze him... (like I'm about to do to you... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smirk.gif" alt="" />)

There are plenty of ditch diggers or grocery clerks who get involved in Affairs and act just as messed up as he is.

Is he suffering from PTSD? Perhaps, but the only people who should be making such a diagnosis are those with training and direct interaction w/ your WH.

"Labeling" it appears to be a mechanism to try to understand it or make it more "palatable" to you.

This might sound harsh, but the fact is, Betrayed Spouses (BSs) sooner or later have to come to terms with the fact that their WS chose to be with someone else.

It's a huge blow to our self-esteem, and accepting that just plain hurts!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

In my opinion, you're better off reading up on MB principles and read Pep's "the carrot and stick of Plan A"

Some of the things you've been saying to him are disrespectful judgments (DJs), in that you're assuming you know what's in his head and you're telling him what he's thinking...a major Lovebuster (LB).

Again, this is REALLY HARD, Sally, and you're doing great...use your time to educate yourself on what's going on and in so doing will learn much more of the nature of affairs in general...

...this in turn can restore some of your faith in the future of your M(arriage).

L2F


If God is a DJ, life is a dance floor, you get what you're given, it's all how you use it... Pink
Joined: Dec 2007
Posts: 66
S
sallyg Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
S
Joined: Dec 2007
Posts: 66
Thanks to all for posts. SO HELPFUL!!!

I did expose to CO. He told me that he would have a talk with him. He went to an Army meeting tonight. Don't know if it will happen tonight - I am waiting.

As for how I am feeling right now? I told him that I would work on the marriage. But to tell you guys the truth - how can I ever trust this person again? He makes me sick. He isn't even interested in trying to find love with me and he doesn't see what a wonderful person I am. Everyone of my friends and family are telling me to dump his butt to the curb! I know, for the children and I agree - but don't I deserve better than this? The more attractive and distant I become the more he comes to me.

I do want to have a meeting w/ Dr Harley. We can't go to the West Coast. How do you get an appt with him otherwise?

PS - I am tired of this drama - maybe the two sick love birds like it because it is exciting - but I just want to have a normal life with a normal guy that loves and appreciates me.

Joined: Jan 2008
Posts: 1,541
A
Member
Offline
Member
A
Joined: Jan 2008
Posts: 1,541
Quote
I did expose to CO. He told me that he would have a talk with him.

Good Job!

Quote
As for how I am feeling right now? I told him that I would work on the marriage. But to tell you guys the truth - how can I ever trust this person again? He makes me sick. He isn't even interested in trying to find love with me and he doesn't see what a wonderful person I am. Everyone of my friends and family are telling me to dump his butt to the curb! I know, for the children and I agree - but don't I deserve better than this? The more attractive and distant I become the more he comes to me.

You can trust him again... but it's gonna take effort by both of you... your marriage didn't get to be in this state over night and it won't get repaired that way either.

Staying for the kids is good... but you really need to stay because you love each other...staying for the kids is the wrong reason...

Don't listen to the people telling you to dump him... Some people will never understand... And if they were true friends they would support you either way and not try and sway you to leave him...

Look at the top of this page... see the link that says..."Counseling Center" That's the link for counseling with the Harleys. They do phone counseling... I would definatly set up a phone session ASAP...tomorrow if you can. I just had one tonight with Jennifer.... Steve does them durring the day... Jennifer in the evening. Maybe a Marriage Builders weekend would be good too... But I think you need to take baby steps here.


Quote
PS - I am tired of this drama - maybe the two sick love birds like it because it is exciting - but I just want to have a normal life with a normal guy that loves and appreciates me.

I understand... the drama is emotionally draining... but you're doing great... You need to get strong... when you're stong the drama wont drain you down so much...the fact that he said he wants to work on the marriage is a super sign...

Keep your chin up Sally... You're making progress...


BH, 46
STBXWW, 41, Serial Cheater
D-Day #1 5-26-2006 (Our Wedding Aniversary)
D-Day #2 12-26-2007
D-Day #3 5-11-2008
Separated 1-5-2008
STBX filed for divorce March 2009
Joined: Jun 1999
Posts: 1,422
A
Member
Offline
Member
A
Joined: Jun 1999
Posts: 1,422
Sally,
I have been reading your thread and wanted to say how much my heart goes out to you. The heartache you're going through must be just unbearable. Please know you are in my prayers.

I tend to agree with you on the feeling that the war has seriously affected your husband. A lot of people simply do not understand what our soldiers have gone through over there, and how HORRENDOUS it is, on a daily, hourly, if not by minute, basis. By no means am I trying to make light of his terrible choices and the things he's done to your marriage, but I think you're right, he is very messed up and the trauma over there may have affected him so severely he can't deal with it. If I understand your posts correctly he is a commander, right?

I agree that until he gets right with God he will be in turmoil. Your post about how you held his hand and told him that he needed to give himself a break touched my heart, and I'll bet it really did his.

There are no words to describe what our soldiers have endured over there...so many people do not know the ordeal they have been through. Our son did a tour in Iraq; we are so very thankful he came home safe, however I can attest to the dramatic change in him after his return. He was extremely depressed and will not discuss it.

I'm sorry I don't have any advise for you other than to pray.

God bless,


Me, BS Him, Alcoholic, FWH H did 180 in '01 Recovered, blessed marriage now Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, and the evidence of things unseen. Hebrews 11:1
Page 3 of 7 1 2 3 4 5 6 7

Moderated by  Fordude 

Link Copied to Clipboard
Forum Search
Who's Online Now
0 members (), 131 guests, and 53 robots.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Newest Members
Overcomer4513, caraduke, Convict20, GTNY, Avianna
71,737 Registered Users
Forum Statistics
Forums67
Topics133,550
Posts2,322,811
Members71,737
Most Online3,185
Jan 27th, 2020
Building Marriages That Last A Lifetime
Copyright © 1995-2020, Marriage Builders®. All Rights Reserved.  |  Web Development by SunStar Media.
Site Navigation
Powered by UBB.threads™ PHP Forum Software 7.7.5