I posted this on the Resolving Conflict board and it was suggested I come over here. As you will see, I have no solid evidence of an affair, but I do know he has been looking. So here is my story:

Any advice, encouragement, or thoughts on my situation would be appreciated. Before I get to the details of what brought me to this point, I’ll give some background:

My DH and I have been married for 8 years and have two little girls, ages 3 and 1.5. He’s 47, I’m 45. Yes, we had our family later in life. He recently left without discussing anything with me after an incident that happened over Christmas. We haven‘t spoken much since. Five years ago we separated for 6 months and got back together at our mediation. I got on Zoloft and our relationship improved dramatically. It helped change my attitude and look at things differently. Many times my husband would tell me how happy he was.

We moved to Florida and had two babies and my husband started his own business, a commercial real estate firm. It has been successful so far, even though it has been difficult getting to that point. We put much of our assets into it, including our entire 401(k)s. Finally, this year is looking very good. Of course, my husband earns commissions. Anyway, during the second pregnancy my doctor suggested I stop taking Zoloft and then once the baby was born, we were struggling financially and we sacrificed a lot, including me not going to the doctor to get a renewed prescription. (I have an appointment with the doctor, but can't get in until April 23 even though I'm an existing patient.) At the end of last year we had to borrow money to pay the bills and my husband is not very good at managing money which is another problem altogether that has caused bitterness on my part.

Basically, our relationship became strained, including my sexual desires almost totally diminishing. I would cringe when DH would mention sex, but eventually I would go along, not really putting anything in it. He asked me several times to go to the doctor to get help. However, with checks bouncing it was sort of hard to do. I’ll admit that lately I fantasized about a couple of men in my past, but I didn‘t tell DH of course, and I would never seriously contact any of these men. Perhaps I have the electric fence personality that Dr. Harley talks about. I have to give my husband credit for putting up with a lot of stuff I’ve dished out, including holding back on affection, occasional angry outbursts and the cold shoulder, though generally, I’ve been content and think he was generally content too. I always had a nice dinner cooked at night, kept the house tidied and take good care of our kids. I’m a SAHM, btw. We both agreed that I would stay home. My husband always said any parents who require the mother to work and don’t make sacrifices are the worst. Funny, now that he’s making good money and has had several large commissions lately, he wants me to go to work and put the kids in full time daycare.

Complaints I have about DH is that he never does anything around the house that I ask. For instance, I’ve asked him to organize the garage for at least 2 years. I even did it myself once and he later went behind me and took things out of boxes and into a big disgusting pile which has since accumulated dirt, dust and bugs. He doesn’t take care of the outside of the house. We live in Florida and mold appears if you don’t keep the outside clean. We pay to have the yard mowed. And I can’t get him to do any projects around the house. If I needed something bad enough, I’d have to negotiate with sex and even then half the time he’d lie and say he’d do it, but wouldn‘t. Further, he never puts more money into our account than we absolutely need in order to get by. He won’t allow me to do anything for the house, buy anything. Yet, he dips into his company account for anything he wants. He has his own business, a commercial real estate brokerage firm. Fortunately, I’m very frugal and never buy anything for myself.

So, here’s the straw that broke the camel’s back: Over Christmas for two weeks we went to my husband’s parent’s home in NY. Everything was fine the first 3 or 4 days and then on Christmas Eve I went down to the basement to check my e-mail on his stepfather’s computer. As soon as I sat down, something told me to check the history. I found that DH had been on match.com and there was a profile of a woman. It felt like I had been punched in the chest. Instead of rushing upstairs to confront him, I decided I would monitor the computer for a couple days. I decided that I probably should have expected such a thing and that I would start right then and there giving more and saving my marriage. That same night our daughter got sick and was having breathing problems as if she had asthma. We took her to ER and it turned out she had a virus that acted like asthma, most likely due to her being in a very cold environment that she wasn’t used to. I remember thinking about all this while holding our daughter. I made special efforts to make eye contact with my husband and he noticed and I could see the love in his eyes for me.

BTW, our anniversary was December 18 and he gave me a new car -- a van actually, with a giant bow on it! It was really sweet. Right before he opened the door to show me the surprise, he asked me if I really loved him. I said yes, of course.

So, the next night I checked the computer again and this time I saw four profiles of women. I went upstairs where he was watching a ballgame. Everybody else had gone to bed and I just stood there and stared at him and said “I’m on to you.” He said he didn’t know what I was talking about. I said, “oh, you know what I’m talking about.” I went to bed and he came in there and told me he’d never do anything to hurt our family. He claimed that he had checked the office e-mail and claimed that all e-mails that come to the company e-mail have to be sorted (even though everyone has their own e-mail address). I don’t believe him; however, I chose to forgive him and give him the benefit of the doubt.

So, the next day he was going to run one of his errands that he was doing since we’d been there and I got annoyed and I basically accused him of being up to something. His mother was standing there, and she and my DH are very, very close and she tends to get into our business. She told me that I was going to end up destroying my marriage with such accusations. I said for her information that I had caught DH looking up dates on the computer. She immediately defended him saying there’s no way he would do such a thing. Now, she is a good person and loves me too, and we generally get along very well, but she can be intrusive. At night she drinks some and usually gets a little drunk, which will explain some things that happened later. Anyway, she told me I was being immature and unChristian. As it was, she and her husband had a knock-down, drag out fight the night before with cursing, shoving and screaming. My husband had to go in there and tell them to stop it. Our children were in the room too. So, I told her that she was one to talk after the fight they’d had. She just said “well, at least we forgive each other.” What did that have to do with anything? We had plans to go out with some of DH’s friend that night and I said I didn’t think I would be going. MIL said I had to go, that otherwise I would embarrass DH. He again apologized and asked me to go. Again, I forgave him, made up with him and decided to go out. We had a great time with his friends, he even leaned over at one point and told me how much he loved me. Great.

The next day he refused to speak to me. I asked him what was wrong and he said “nothing.” That afternoon we were watching a football game on t.v. and he suddenly very angrily and hatefully told me to get the kids quiet, that they were trying to watch the game. I said “you’re their father, you get them quiet. What do you want me to do, turn them off?” He told me I was a loser and I kicked him. I decided not to eat dinner with the family that night because I was so mad. The next day his mother and stepfather weren’t speaking to me. Over the next couple days I didn’t eat dinner with them again and we didn’t speak. Because his mother was getting drunk at night she said some bad things about me. I heard her say I was doing everything wrong, it was all my fault, and she also criticized how I was handling some things with the kids. At one point she came storming down the hallway and I thought she was going to hit me. She obviously didn’t know the whole story and to this day I haven’t talked to her about it. She finally started speaking and everything was fine with us. On the day we left and they took us to the airport, his stepfather still wasn’t speaking to me.

So from the time this all happened until January 29 when my husband suddenly moved out with no warning, we basically weren’t communicating. We did speak some when we had to, but he was staying out late most nights, coming home drunk (something he only does out of depression) and sleeping in the guest room, sometimes going days without seeing the kids since they turn in early. BTW, he is crazy about the kids and they him.

On January 29 while I was out of the house he moved his clothes and some bedroom furniture out. He called me and told me that he felt we needed some time apart. I called a divorce attorney just out of concern for our welfare and made an appointment. I called my DH and told him I had an appointment, he guessed it was a lawyer and said he’d do whatever he could to help us but that he wanted me to go back to work, which would mean putting our children in daycare.

Over the next several days he would call for the children and would pick them up every two or three days, and I did what I thought I was supposed to and didn’t ask him to come back. Instead, I waited for an opening or an olive branch. Finally, one night over e-mail, we were making small talk and I took the opportunity to tell him that I hoped soon that we could work toward forgiveness and to restore our marriage and the stability of our children. He responded the next morning saying that nothing would ever change, it’s always been the same since the day he met me (he blames me for everything of course), that the marriage is dead and that he wanted to work on the dissolution of our marriage and for me to go back to work. I didn’t respond. The next day he called the children and asked me if I had given any thought to going back to work, and I explained very humbly that I wanted to stay with the baby until she was at least 3. He just said, “o.k., we’ll talk about it later.” Over the next couple of days I asked him to put money in our account because I had checks for the mortgage and other bills about to go through, and he kept saying he was going to do it right now, but yet he wasn’t putting the money in the there. I got scared and was about to call the attorney to see what I should do, so I wrote him an e-mail and told him that I wanted to use the funds from the sale of the car (we planned to sell our third car which was mine before we married) for attorney’s fees and he wrote back acting all giddy, saying he would get the car ready for sale immediately. He wanted to come that day, but something came up so he came the next night which was the day before Valentine’s Day. That morning he called about something and when I answered the phone he was joking around with me like he used to do when we were dating, disguising his voice and pretending to be someone else. I laughed and he laughed, and I thought finally, things are going to be o.k. So that night he was coming to pick up the girls for a couple of hours in honor of Valentine‘s Day, and I fixed myself up in a tight shirt with a little cleavage showing and had my hair and makeup all fixed. I’ve probably even lost a couple pounds from being anxious. I knew that if he would get a good look, that we would be all the closer to reconciling. Instead, he made every effort not to look at me. He kept wishing the girls Happy Valentine’s and I remarked “isn’t Valentine’s Day tomorrow?” and he said “uh, yeah.” I immediately thought oh my God, he’s got a date. He called the next morning to wish the girls Happy Valentine’s Day again and I just obliged and was cordial. He’s coming to get the girls in the morning for the day, and I don’t know what to do from here. He says he’s already gotten a couple of calls about my car, and wants me to find the title.

What should I do? Just keep doing what I’m doing? If he mentions divorce again, should I say that I want to go to counseling? I’m quite sure he’ll refuse. I know he loves me, yet I think he has reached the state of hopelessness.

Sorry this was so long.

He came this morning to get the girls and asked if he could get into the attic to get some tools; however, I saw him moving several boxes and containers, most of which I somewhat recognized. I think it was mostly some of his belongings that he had stored up there. It tells me that he's moving forward, and I'm so upset. It was all I could do to pretend it didn't bother me until he left then I just lost it. I just don't know what to do. I want this to work, but at the same time right now I hate his guts for doing this to us. I hate him for being weak and compulsive about this whole thing. Our children need a father who is there on a solid basis, to help structure and discipline the children, not just to pick them up for few hours here and there for fun and games. Thanks for listening.

Welcome to marriagebuilders. It is a good place to be under the circumstances.

The starting point is doing a good Plan A with no angry outbursts or disrespectful judgements. Show him what a wonderful wife you can be.

I can see you being angry that hubby doesn't do much around the house, but denying him sex was a mistake.

You are going to have to work on changing yourself, since you are the one who came here. That doesn't mean that there aren't changes your husband needs to make. But it seems that he has decided it is easier to divorce.

I would still keep the attorney to be sure your finances are protected. You are in a vulnerable position.

And my final thought is to be sure you don't stay with his parents again on any visit. What a nightmare!

Thank you, Believer. As for Plan A, since I don't think he's actually in an affair yet and I obviously want to keep it that way, should I perhaps ask him to go to counseling with me in an undemanding, respectful way? Or should I just be thoughtful toward him? I find myself one day being extra friendly, the next trying not to look at him. And on one hand I see him acting as if it's hopeless like he would come to pick up the children and just stand at the door, not wanting to come all the way into the house until last night he came bouncing into the kitchen with a bunch of new clothes he bought the girls and asked if I wanted to see them. I fawned all over them, but then I sort of left the room until he left. This morning I was equally detached, yet cooperative and respectful.

He may not be actually in an affair, but he is looking. That is why you need to do a rock solid Plan A. Try to figure out what his emotional needs are and start meeting them. Men usually have sex and admiration near the top.

When the marriage becomes more stable, you can work on the rest of the stuff.

You need to look good, be cheerful, have the house sparkling, and work on eliminating anything that he used to complain about. When he is due over, try to have something yummy on the stove and invite him to eat.

It really hit me today that what is going to work with H is showing appreciation. When he brings the kids home tonight I am going to thank him for the clothes he bought them, especially the lavendar ones which is exactly what I wanted for their next portraits. He's using the van and if he fills the tank up with gas I'm going to acknowledge it and thank him. Kill him with sweetness. Before I can do anything else for his ENs I have to get him to at least consider coming back.

I did offer him dinner once on a Sunday which is a tradition of cooking his mother's Italian sauce. He politely declined, but the first chance I get I'll try that again.

Yes, lots of admiration. And don't talk relationship talk right now. First you need to do a good Plan A. Continue cooking and inviting. If he refuses, send a plate home with him.

Where is he living now?

I don't even know, haven't asked him, and oddly, haven't thought much about it. Maybe I just don't want to know.

I didn't get a chance to say anything to him tonight. He came home with the girls and they hadn't had naps all day and had just fallen asleep in the car. So he handed them off to me to put to bed and left. He did put the garbage out at the curb so I sent him an e-mail about an issue with the car we're selling and also thanked him for doing the garbage.

You will have more chances to work Plan A with him. Be prepared. Look good, have the home looking warm and welcoming. You can also get a lot of mileage out of emailing. Send chatty, happy emails and give him admiration.

You can get the portraits and mention to him how perfect the dresses were. You can thank him for being a good father.

Thanks for your advice, Believer. I feel encouraged already!

You might want to jump over to General Questions II where there is more traffic. Weekends are slow.