I have posted on a couple other threads and was advised I should come over here as this seems to be the place to be.

Here is my story:

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/sho...e=0#Post3402673

H just called about some things and while we were talking I suddenly just had the urge to tell him before we do anything (like divorce) I wanted to ask him to consider counseling. I then mentioned the events that led to our separation, without assigning blame, but just explaining that I didn't understand everything and felt we needed to talk, that I had decided after finding him on match.com that I would work hard to make the marriage work and meet his needs, but then things went the wrong direction and got out of hand. He was polite and basically said he would talk to me later, that he was at work.

Before I mentioned the above, he was telling me about his apartment and how he let our 3 year old pick out the paint color for her room and how he was going to fix it up. He's found a place close to the beach (we live in Fl) and it was like I was just supposed to be overjoyed for him. It was getting to me which is why I started talking. He also said he wanted me to start telling the children when they ask for daddy that "he's at his house." This hurt me too. It also makes me sick that he's putting money into a new place when we've struggled so hard financially over the past few years even with me putting my entire 401(k) into the business and to live on -- now that he's making good money, he gives me enough money to pay the bills and that's it.

I'm so sorry this is happening. It sounds like he is either deeply entrenched in an affair or has very serious plans to find someone new.

Please get his address. You will need it for your lawyer to send correspondence to him. You have a lawful right to it too as your daughters will be spending nights there.

You have a lawful right to ANY address where your daughters spend the night. Make sure he is aware of that well before he starts taking them over to another woman's place overnight.

Keep Plan A'ing. But also keep moving forward on child support and spousal support. You will need it. He might as well get used to it. He will soon find out how expensive it is to lead a double life.

You are eligible for child support from the mere fact that the children's father moved out. If it makes you more comfortable, make sure your husband knows that this has nothing to do with a divorce, you don't want one, but that you have to keep a stable household for your girls, and that makes support necessary.

I would go to the Spying 101 thread, go through old records; he is so far gone so quickly. Something happened.

I'm a sad for you that he did not clue you in to his situation early enough for you to prevent his moving out. That is really awful. I hope things improve for you soon.

In regards to child support, he's paying all the bills right now. He pretty much has to at this point since his name is on the house note and if he wants the kids to eat, etc. The good thing is that I don't have any debt (except for the house). Florida doesn't have legal separation per se, which I think is bad since it encourages divorce. I'm actually concerned about filing because wonder if the judge only awards child support at the state rate of 20% of his income and God forbid, no spousal support. I doubt it since I've been staying at home with the kids since birth and they're still small; at the very least I'm sure he would give me some type of temporary alimony. I'll have to do something eventually if we don't reconcile, because H wants me to go back to work.

Is your husband having an affair, WH?

If he has a buisness and you contributed your 401 K to keep it going or to pay your bills... that buisness is half yours...and half the profits are yours.

You need to talk to an attorney... I'm not promoting divorce... but you need to protect yourself and your kids legally...

There may not be any legal separation in FL but like I said.. that buisness is half yours... You should be getting half the profits from it. An attorney can tell you what's what... But be very picky in choosing one... educate yourself on the state divorce laws and when you talk to the lawyer have a list of pertinant questions ready...

Hi Amazin, I actually did go to an attorney immediately after H moved out. He did tell me that I might have a vested interest in the business.

What happens if H sells the business?

Also, what's the best way in finding a good attorney referral? Like I said, I met one, but I want the best.

Melody, I'm not sure. I don't want to sound naive, but I don't think he is; however, I did find out he had been on match.com, which is what started this whole thing leading to him moving out, so I at least know he was/is looking.

Again talk to a lawyer... I would think if it's half yours he can't sell it without your approval... Just like owning a house together...

About the Attorney, where in FL are you? Do you have a retainer with the attorney you met?

The business was funded partially with your 401K? The business was started after you married?

Sounds like your H has a 50/50 partner he may be unaware of...

-JKT

Justkeeptrying, I'm in Jacksonville. I did meet with a lawyer a few weeks ago when H first left. I have not retained him yet. The only thing about him that bothered me a little is that he said he wasn't the "aggressive" type. A lot of my case may be cut and dry, but I want to know my attorney will go to bat for me if needed.

I took out amounts of my 401(k) here and there for the business and for us to live on throughout the last few years because I believed in my husband -- he is a phenomenal salesman. There would be clear evidence in the bank records that amounts of $10k, $15k, $2k, $20k, etc. upwards to about $75k went into the company bank account.

The fact that he wants a divorce makes me think he may be in an affair. Protect yourself financially.

Then see if you can do some snooping to find out about the affair.

Also it is strange that you don't know where he is living. My ex was hiding where he was living from me, and turned out he had moved in his affair partner.

Believer, I plan to get his exact location before he takes the kids this weekend. I think the reason he was a little hesitant to tell me where he's living is because of the money it costs to live near the beach. As he should be ashamed.

You have to know my husband, but I think this is primarily about revenge on his part. The first few years of our marriage he moved out a number of times and would eventually come back. The thing is the night before he moved out in which he tricked me by getting me out of the house for a few hours (real mature, huh?), he came home, had dinner and then we all watched a home video that we had taken when at his parents' home over Christmas. I think he planned it that way just for shock value.

Obviously, he was perusing match.com while we were married; I'm certain he's doing more than that now. The issue is getting our marriage back before he does something truly destructive. That's what I'm trying to figure out with lots of prayers.

WHB, please report his married status to match.com. They do not want married men on their site. Estimates are 20% of men on personal sites are married.

Let them know you are his wife and the county/state in which your marriage license can be found. Let them know you are not legally separated. I can't believe his gall, not even waiting.

Watch the other personal sites, too. You will be doing single women on those sites a big favor, so please don't feel guilty. What he is doing -- while still married -- is just sooooooo wrong -- and soooo deceptive to the new woman/women coming into his life. I would be sooo angry if I was duped.

Valentine, good idea to report him. I just went to match.com and did just that. I'm going to fish around and see if I can find other popular sites that he may be on. Thanks!

This morning I called my MIL since I haven't talked to her since our Christmas visit. I wanted to mend fences and get some input from her. She basically told me that when I didn't have dinner with the family on New Year's Eve and didn't "kiss him at midnight" that it hurt him deeply. She also said we weren't meeting each other's needs. Has she been on Marriage Builders? ;-) She said to me "you know what his needs are?" She was obviously talking about sex, but also about affection as my H's family is a very kissy, huggy Italian family. She suggested I talk to him about it. She supports our relationship totally -- she really is a great MIL, always has been. They are very close and she is planning to talk to my H about this.

So while I was speaking with her H called. He was excited because he found a buyer for my car we're trying to sell. I then told him I had talked to his mother and told him how sorry I was about the incident with New Year's Eve and everything else, how I was sorry that I hadn't met his needs. Told him I wanted him to come home, I loved him, etc., etc. He said "but it's been this way for 8 years" which isn't true, but I didn't want to debate it with him. He really wouldn't discuss it with me anymore at that point.

He came tonight to pick up our little girls and I made sure I was dressed nice with makeup, the whole bit. He walked through the house which he hasn't done really since we've been apart. I gave him a letter I wrote with a list of commitments I wanted to make to him. I kissed him on the cheek and tried to kiss him on the lips, but he turned his face and I could only kiss the other cheek.

But somehow I have a little hope. I hope I did the right thing. Maybe little by little, these deposits into his love bank will bring him back home? I have been so upset because I feel my life will be ruined if I lose H.