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Joined: Feb 2008
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Kag
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The reason he is lost in the fog and caught up in this tragic relationship with his OW is due to the distance that was created in your relationship due to the medical issues of your DS and how both of you stopped feeded the marriage.


We both KNOW this and talked about it together and thru counseling trying to understand and forgive each other.

Quote
What did you do during your Plan A?


We worked with SH until WH refused. We did NC plan, filled out all the forms etc. I tried to meet his EN(after I got over my anger)admiration, affection, recreation, sex. He said on the last night "you have been great" If I am so great why did he start it up with her again. I know for a fact that she is actively pursuing him.

He is living with a friend, verified.

I clarified I needed a NC plan with extrordinary measures(leave the job) and work with Steve again.

He is still fence sitting. I am back to plan B. (short stop when I spoke to him this weekend)


[list] BS-Me 42
WH 41
D-Day 8/2/07 (right before our anniversary)
Married almost 20 years
Plan A 8/07-9/21
Recovery-false 9/21/07-2/8/08
NC broken 12/07-2/8/07
implemented Plan B 2/8/08
Plan D 5/12/08
DS 11 DS 8 with special needs[list]
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OWH called me finally. Conversation not too helpful. He is done with the marriage and has been since September. OWH did not want to try since he saw it was hopeless. OWH did not want any of the details, he just walked away. I probably know more than him and he didn't want to know! He alluded to OW not stopping her pursuit of my WH until she gets him.

Should I throw in the towel? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />

Are you CERTAIN it was him?

Throw in the towel? What towel? What do you mean? Give up on your marriage? HE!! no!!


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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What about OW's parents? Any info there yet?


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Kag
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Are you CERTAIN it was him?


I would have to say yes, cell number matched, called right after got my letter.

What do you do with a fence sitter? Why do I feel like I could never forgive/trust him anyway. He betrayed me twice, once was bad enough!


[list] BS-Me 42
WH 41
D-Day 8/2/07 (right before our anniversary)
Married almost 20 years
Plan A 8/07-9/21
Recovery-false 9/21/07-2/8/08
NC broken 12/07-2/8/07
implemented Plan B 2/8/08
Plan D 5/12/08
DS 11 DS 8 with special needs[list]
Joined: Feb 2008
Posts: 213
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Kag
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What about OW's parents? Any info there yet?


None, I don't even know her maiden name or where her parents live! How would I find that info?

I asked MY in-laws to call her and they won't. They say they don't want to give a homewrecker the time of day. I guess they don't realize the impact it could have....


[list] BS-Me 42
WH 41
D-Day 8/2/07 (right before our anniversary)
Married almost 20 years
Plan A 8/07-9/21
Recovery-false 9/21/07-2/8/08
NC broken 12/07-2/8/07
implemented Plan B 2/8/08
Plan D 5/12/08
DS 11 DS 8 with special needs[list]
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
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3. the 6 months leave of absence makes no sense. What are you supposed to do? Go back to affair he11 in 6 months

It seems like SH thinks that without contact for 6 months the addiction is broken? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />

SAY WHAT?? That doesn't mean you START UP THE ADDICTION AGAIN by resuming contact!! Any contact will REKINDLE the feelings. What in the world is he thinking?

Does he think an alcoholic can kick his addiction by stopping for 6 months and then going back to the bar? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" />

He completely misunderstood Steve Harley if he believes that a 6 month leave of absence will do anything. He MISSED THE POINT. By TEN MILES.

Your H could probably solve this problem if he went to his boss, told him about the affair, and asked for a transfer. We have had many folks do that.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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What about OW's parents? Any info there yet?


None, I don't even know her maiden name or where her parents live! How would I find that info?

Call that PI I told you about in WVA. Some others have used him and he is very cost effective. www.frankmusicinvestigations.net and ask for Frank to call you.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Kag
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I am thinking about hiring a local PI to keep tabs on WH while I am in FL. Curious to see if he waivers in his current 'NC' according to him.....

I was just reading Not2fun's post and I am still amazed at how you could just change the names and it is all the same story! Why don't WS get it?????

Why didn't SH sink in with him?


[list] BS-Me 42
WH 41
D-Day 8/2/07 (right before our anniversary)
Married almost 20 years
Plan A 8/07-9/21
Recovery-false 9/21/07-2/8/08
NC broken 12/07-2/8/07
implemented Plan B 2/8/08
Plan D 5/12/08
DS 11 DS 8 with special needs[list]
Joined: Feb 2008
Posts: 213
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Kag
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And he dealt with it for a number of years. Hoping that things might go "back to how they were". That would never happen. Kids CHANGE everything. Kids change BOTH of you. Notice your slam on OW for beginning this A with your H when her kid was 1 year old. (BTW, a deserved Slam!) This dscribes your focus, and your needed focus for the past 8 years. I'm not saying that you should remove blame from your WH for choosing an affair and transfer that blame to your child. Not at all. It's just the relationship between you and your H eroded due to your attention on your children.


I just want to say in my defense that many of those years with my son having my FULL attention were to save his life. We had 16 hours of nursing care in our home every day for 4 years to keep him alive. Everyone is saying you did what you had to....where would DS be without you....probably not here on earth with us. BTW he is truly a miracle....smart, active, soccer playing little boy.

So it seems like I sacrificed my marriage for my son and I would do it again if a choice had to be made.


[list] BS-Me 42
WH 41
D-Day 8/2/07 (right before our anniversary)
Married almost 20 years
Plan A 8/07-9/21
Recovery-false 9/21/07-2/8/08
NC broken 12/07-2/8/07
implemented Plan B 2/8/08
Plan D 5/12/08
DS 11 DS 8 with special needs[list]
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
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I am thinking about hiring a local PI to keep tabs on WH while I am in FL. Curious to see if he waivers in his current 'NC' according to him.....

Thats cool, if you need a PI to know that, then hire him. Or you can just ask me and I will tell you FOR FREE that contact has never ended. NEVER.

But, while you are throwing away good money, at least get some information you don't already know, such as the OW's PARENTS address.

Are you sure you can't convince your MIL to call the OW and tell her there will be no future in her family? And that she cannot darken her doorstep? That would cause HUGE conflict in affairville.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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It seems like SH thinks that without contact for 6 months the addiction is broken?

This statement needs to be added to the Most foggy statements in the Wayward Hall of Shame. This is one of the most FOGGY rationalizations I have EVER READ here in 7 years!!

The notion that since it takes 6 months to WITHDRAW, that therefore, after 6 months you can go back to the source of the addiction!! YEEGADS!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Kag
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Thats cool, if you need a PI to know that, then hire him. Or you can just ask me and I will tell you FOR FREE that contact has never ended. NEVER.


So what is the point...why don't I just file and get on with my life?


[list] BS-Me 42
WH 41
D-Day 8/2/07 (right before our anniversary)
Married almost 20 years
Plan A 8/07-9/21
Recovery-false 9/21/07-2/8/08
NC broken 12/07-2/8/07
implemented Plan B 2/8/08
Plan D 5/12/08
DS 11 DS 8 with special needs[list]
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
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Thats cool, if you need a PI to know that, then hire him. Or you can just ask me and I will tell you FOR FREE that contact has never ended. NEVER.


So what is the point...why don't I just file and get on with my life?

Why? Kag, you already knew he was in an affair. This cannot be news to you.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


Joined: Nov 2005
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Kag:

I understand that you son needed help. IN the few posts that you have, that is clear....

But when I read this:

Quote
I just want to say in my defense that many of those years with my son having my FULL attention were to save his life. We had 16 hours of nursing care in our home every day for 4 years to keep him alive. Everyone is saying you did what you had to....where would DS be without you....probably not here on earth with us. BTW he is truly a miracle....smart, active, soccer playing little boy.

So it seems like I sacrificed my marriage for my son and I would do it again if a choice had to be made.

I just cringed.

Been there, Done that.

Your husband is gone because he KNEW he was third, fourth or fifth on your list.

This might sound harsh, but I've just got to say it....

Your Martyrdom is on your sleeve, and this badge of honor was more important than your husband.

Yes, your son might have died.

But your Husband certainly wasn't stepping up to the plate, was he?
Nor was anybody else, but KAG DID. SEE!, SEE! MY BADGE!

When you thought your were going to lose your husband, you went all out. KAG was going to WIN THIS TOO, another BADGE.

The badge was more important than the person.

Still is.

Your Husband might just be garden variety wayward. And no matter WHAT you do, he might not come back.

But this is a very hard place that your H was put into. And no matter what, it will take him a long time to get anywhere near your heart, and your acceptance. Your plan A might have revealed WHAT COULD BE. But it wasn't enough. (He was still in contact, and that makes true withdrawal, recovery, and reconcilliation impossible, so, your not all at fault here...)

Your husband may just be garden variety wayward. Maybe I am extending where I was to him, and I shouldn't do that. As similar as I might think our sitch's sound, he isn't me and your not Flamingo.

You escaped through your son, who needed you. Your Husband found OW. Now we just need to find a way BACK to each other.

LG

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You are right...I am done. He isn't worth it. She can have him. I often wondered if OW pissed me off more than WH.

I know I can have a better life with a more appropriate partner.


[list] BS-Me 42
WH 41
D-Day 8/2/07 (right before our anniversary)
Married almost 20 years
Plan A 8/07-9/21
Recovery-false 9/21/07-2/8/08
NC broken 12/07-2/8/07
implemented Plan B 2/8/08
Plan D 5/12/08
DS 11 DS 8 with special needs[list]
Joined: Feb 2008
Posts: 213
K
Kag
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Why? Kag, you already knew he was in an affair. This cannot be news to you.


I was told that he was NC for the past 2 weeks(verified that he was at a friends) in therapy, and wanting to come back.....

But if it is all cr*p, like you think, then I am done and can't do it anymore. I wasted 6 months of my life thinking we were plan Aing. I am not wasting one more moment on this mess.

I have my kids, my friends, my family, my job(volunteer), my house, financially secure and a new body(thanks to the infidelity diet). I have too much going for me to be dragged down by him. Need to break free and live.


[list] BS-Me 42
WH 41
D-Day 8/2/07 (right before our anniversary)
Married almost 20 years
Plan A 8/07-9/21
Recovery-false 9/21/07-2/8/08
NC broken 12/07-2/8/07
implemented Plan B 2/8/08
Plan D 5/12/08
DS 11 DS 8 with special needs[list]
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
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Why? Kag, you already knew he was in an affair. This cannot be news to you.


I was told that he was NC for the past 2 weeks(verified that he was at a friends) in therapy, and wanting to come back.....

Kag, honestly, I do not understand this. He works with her every day, he left you to conduct his affair, and you believe the words of a liar that he is not in contact? You KNOW he is in contact, he WORKS WITH HER. I am not getting your reaction here.

Why do you think he has left?


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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I feel like I have missed something. I am going to start back on page 1. I thought this was all about an affair.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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from 2-18-08
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Brief history. Classic story, married 20 years, 2 kids, WH has an A with someone at work, thinks she is his soulmate. We tried plan A for 5 months, things seemed to be getting better, then he drops the bomb of re-establishing contact. I was clueless again!

Move to plan B as of last Sunday, have an intermediary that he is getting tired of. So tonight he comes in the house when picking up the kids. I tell him he isn't supposed to be in here. We briefly discuss the kids schedule. He is sitting on fence at moment.

Our last MC meeting was last monday after he dropped the bomb of breaking NC. He presented 2 letters one to me and one to her. Mine said he wanted to come back etc. Hers said he was done. Then he says I am not ready to give her the letter yet. WTF? I hand him my plan B letter. The MC tells him to get his sh** together and he is a F-up. I really enjoyed that <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Then I find out he has moved his office, which I had asked him to do in plan A since she works on the same floor. BTW she is divorcing her husband of 14 years with 2 little children. She would walk by his office 2-3 a day, get water at the cooler right outside his office. I was like close your door....he says I don't want people to wonder. I was stupid to by it. Well the crack opens when she needed him since her grandmother died. Give me a break!

ok, Kag, the whole point of being in Plan B was because you knew he had resumed contact. Which never really stopped because he sees her every day at work! Every contact, whether at work or not, is a resumption of the affair. But I have no reason to believe it is not being carried on after work. Or that it will be very soon. That is why he moved out.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Why? Kag, you already knew he was in an affair. This cannot be news to you.


OMGosh...Mel said the EXACT same thing to me when I confirmed contact with OW. Yeah, I knew it, but when the proof stares you in the face....you REALLY know it.

Mel's right. This really should not surprise you. Don't let it rock you too much. It was predictable.


Happily married to HerPapaBear



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