I am not even sure where to start. I have been married for almost 10 years. Somewhere around year 8 the marriage went south. I found out about an affair my husband was having. I threw him out, he begged to come back yadda yadda. I let him move back one month later.

Shortly after I let him move back in I find out that he still with OW. Kicked him out again and filed for divorce. So anyway he again begs and pleads for me to take him back. After he severed ties with the company OW worked for I agreed to give him another chance. I am leaving out a lot but by this time I was exhausted and really had nothing to give rebuilding wise.

We attended counseling and went through the motions. I never really fully committed to counseling bec I was just waiting for him to mess up again.

We have not been close for a very long time and I told H not to expect anything out of me after I took him back this last time. For the most part we live separate lives. H has tried to make the marriage work but my heart was just not in it.

I believe I put the final nail on the coffin to my marriage when I began an affair of my own. It started Oct 07 and lasted until February 10 when we ended it for good. I am really on the fence about what I should do. File for divorce and move on with my life seems like the easiest option. Or I can confess my affair and see if my H is willing to try and salvage the marriage or end up divorced.

I really don't think my H can forgive me because I did not have an affair with just anyone. It was his best friend since childhood. I mean honestly how do you forgive something like that? I am not even sure it is possible.

I am tormented by guilt. My brother told me that I would be crazy to confess and that I should file for a divorce and move on. He told me if I wanted to stay in the marriage and I felt I had to confess my infidelity to make up a story about a one night stand but I must never tell him it was with his best friend.

I don't want to tell him at all. Divorce does seem like the easiest and less painful option but we have such a long history together. It was not all bad. If I don't factor in his affair he has been a decent husband.

My xOM begged me not to tell either. He says it will ruin both our lives and hurt too many people. We both feel terrible for our affair.

Do you think the marriage can work if I don't confess the affair or should I just pack it in?

Hi Brooke and welcome to MB!

I'm sorry to hear about your trials...like most of us, there's plenty of guilt to go around...



The question I'd ask you is who are you protecting and why?

I firmly believe, and I'm thinking others will jump in here too, is that your WH, STBXWH, or whatever you consider him, deserves to know the truth about his life, and keeping such a fundamental betrayal a secret is just plain wrong...

As for the "do I stay or do I go"... that's up to you.

It doesn't sound as though your marriage was truly bad, but that you have had many of the same serious problems that countless others have had and have either worked through to create great marriages, or gave up on and moved on...sometimes to repeat the same mistakes a second, third, or more times...

What's the downside of putting the excellent MB principles to work and giving it an honest shot?

I wish you luck, and I'm sure others will be chiming in soon!

L2F

The person who would be hurt the most by this....my H and his best friend. I know that sounds ridiclous after what we did. They grew up together. Their parents have been best friends for years. He was the best man at our wedding. When I think of what would happen if he found out....the consequences would be dire.

Hi Brooke,

If you want to rebuild the M with your H, I strongly recommend telling him.

You can't rebuild your M on lies.

Semper Fi,

RIF

Brooke, I think you need to repeat that line over and over again, until it registers.

Here's the reality that you have to accept:

(1) Your H's BF is no longer his BF. A true BF would not choose to hurt a man in the worst way possible - sleeping with his wife.

(2) You chose to break your vows to your H. He needs to know that this happened and why, so he can make decisions about your future together based on the truth, not on lies.


It is quite possible that your A might have brought your M to an end. It's also quite possible that your A might make your H realize that a lot more effort will have to be put into recovering your M.

In any case, he needs to know the truth.

He has already been betrayed and hurt. He just hasn't been informed.

The only people who are being protected by keeping this secret are the betrayers.

Hi Brooke,

Just thought I'd chime in here....as a FWS who confessed her A.

I was terrified to confess my A. OM and I had agreed to stop the A, and I did question whether it would be best to keep it secret, or whether I should take the chance and tell H.

The answer that I came up with was the only thing that made sense to me at the time. 'The only way I could give my H back any of the respect I had taken from him by having an A was to confess to him.'

You see, it's about giving up control. Letting God take your life and your M where it will. In this case, also where he will take your H and his friendship with OM.

If you divorce your H and leave, then you will carry the guilt and shame with you. That will affect whatever relationships you have in the future.

What are YOU afraid of if you confess. Hurting your H? Well, someone said it earlier. You've already hurt him, he just doesn't know it. It will hurt him equally (if not more - trust me - I got D) if you divorce him and leave.

Are you afraid of hurting OM and H's friendship? You've already hurt it, he just doesn't know. And don't you think your M takes priority over a false friendship?

Are you afraid of having to see the ugliness of what your A has done? (this is the REAL reason most of us FWS's don't want to tell) The problem with this is that you already see it, know it, and feel it inside. It's just that sometimes you can suppress it better than others.

For me, confession was the only way. It was the one chance for the truth to come out. My chance to stop trying to be perfect. The chance to give my H back ownership of his feelings, his life, and his respect.

So I picked a day....picked a time....and practiced the 4 words which would change my life forever...."I had an affair"

It wasn't pretty. But in the end (even with the divorce), we both agreed that it was a blessing in disguise. He said he never would have changed had I not told him. He said that he never would have admitted to the weaknesses in our M had I not told him. In a very awkward way, it ended up being a positive experience for both of us. Not that I don't still carry a HUGE amount of remorse for what I did. But confessing allowed me the freedom to work on myself, and learn how to be a better wife.

It's your choice. But I know what it's like to stand in the shower and sob uncontrolably because the secret is eating you from the inside out. All the respect, love, and truth that you have taken away from your M. All the respect, love, and truth that you have taken away from your H. All the respect, love, and truth that you have taken away from yourself.

I wish you good luck whatever choice you make. It's not an easy decision - but it is one that will define who you really are for the rest of your life.

Your H *IS* being hurt, and he is being hurt by his ENEMY. [BF] Your adultery partner is not being hurt, he is causing the hurt. This man is not your H's "best friend" he is his MORTAL ENEMY. This man is a deciever and a FRAUD and your H needs to know the truth so he can protect himself from him. To not tell him is CRUEL and MANIPULATIVE and DANGEROUS.

Your H would not have this ENEMY as a "friend" if he knew the truth. He is being manipulated into staying in a marriage and a friendship BASED ON A LIE. Y'all are treating him like a PET by denying him the necessary facts to make decisions about his OWN LIFE.

I would add that y'all are the LEAST qualified to make decisions about what is in your H's best interest. The LEAST qualifed. He is the ONLY one here who is qualified.

"What a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive."

Consequences.

No escaping them.

All actions have consequences.

Truth WILL out.

You were "entitled" to an affair since he had one.

You were "entitled" to the truth about your husband's affair.

He is "entitled" to the truth.

What's good for the goose is good for the gander.

UNLESS you have solid reason to believe your husband would harm you physically, withholding knowledge of the cancer in the body of your marriage is "unwise" and only delaying the inevitable.

Do you have kids?

Is OM ("best friend" "worst nightmare") also married?

Have you gotten STD tested?

Hi Brooke,

Not sure if it's been mentioned to you yet, but the inner secret will eat away at you like it has many others before you, often leading to a nervous breakdown or even worse.

There is a Success Stories thread attached to my sig line.....couples who have successfully recovered their marriges and have overcome similar situations to yours. Check out how Mrs. RIF held her A secret (9 affairs) for over 10 years until she had a breakdown. And Lifechoice (as well as her H Docp) share their story about how she had an A with his former very close friend and LC tried to take it to the grave....she almost succeeded prematurely when she, too had a nervous breakdown over a year later.

My own H had an EA he tried to hide for 6 years....and finally confessed it to me after he had his second A that ended over a year ago. It ate him alive, too and nearly killed our marriage.

Please know that choosing to hide it is like deciding to die a very slow excrutiatingly painful inner death. And when it becomes evident on the outside, the truth will be that much more painful for those you've chosen to betray again and again and again as the days, weeks, months (even years) go by.

You can avoid all of that, own the pain, and begin to heal immediately through confession.

It's up to you, but I'm glad you've come to this support group as we'll all be here to help you through it.

Ace

Brooke, Of course your H needs to know the truth. I think your choice of an affair partner was an intentional act to hurt your H. Having an affair is bad enough...the fact that you CHOSE to do it with his best friend (who I pray is not married so that your game doesn't ruin another family) is just twisting the knife.
Your H had affairs. You had a right to leave him afterwards. You decided to stay. And then you decide to screw his bf. Your H and the OM's wife need to know what happened. They deserve nothing less than the truth.

You got great advice from MelodyLane.

He is not your BH's friend.

Was the OM having SF with you respectful towards your BH?

Is it respectful to let the OM get away with "murder" by having an affair with his best friends wife and letting him act as nothing happen? With no consequences?

Is it respectful to let your BH be kept in the dark and an object of potential ridicule?

How are you going to maintain NC without telling your BH?

How will you tell BH can not go out as couples with the OM any more?

How are you going to explain that you do not want the OM to come over to celebrate BH's birthday?

How will tell BH why you can not go to BH's parents barbecue because they have invited the OM to be there?

How would inlaws feel that they were still treating the OM as family after this all went down?

The truth will set you free because it will solve all these problems.

It will hurt your husband to find out. But by exposing and showing remorse instead of getting exposed later will greatly improve your chance of recovering your marriage.

Making your BH aware of the affair and OM/BF will be the first step in showing respect to you BH. You were the one that cared enough to apologize and warn BH that he can not trust the OM ex BF.

Telling your BH will give BH the knowledge to protect his wife and family.

The only one that you are protecting by keeping this secret is you and the OM. Make no mistake, this guy is NOT your husband's friend. Your husband deserves to know the truth even if the marriage ends. How would you feel if your husband had an affair with your best friend and they didn't tell you? You would be going on with your life confiding in your "friend" not knowing what she has done to you. That is so unfair.

Pepperband,

I don't have any children. xOM has never been married and has no children. No I have not gotten STD tested.

There is a major concensus that I should tell him. The thought of telling him makes me feel physically sick. If it had been anyone but his best friend I would have probably confessed a long time ago.

Melody,

All those names you called xOM applies to me as well. Which is why I think my brothers advice would be best for everyone. Something keeps holding me back from ending the marriage though. I know if I stay married he will have to know the truth. I can't believe I got myself in this position.

Because it was with his best friend makes it even more important to tell him. He was betrayed by 2 people close to him. He has to know. When you tell him DO NOT warn the OM. Tell your DH and offer to write a NC letter to send to OM. I repeat, DO NOT WARN OM! He will try to talk you out of it. Tell your DH as soon as possible. The longer you wait the more time he will feel he has been living a lie.

So your H doesn't have the right to know the truth about his life?


Actually, he should know either way. By not telling the only people you are protecting is yourself and the OM. You can argue that point all you want...but I've been there and as much as I thought not telling my H was to protect him...the first person I was protecting was myself. You think it will be easier facing yourself if you don't have to face the person you wronged too, but that's not how it works. You falsely "protect" yourself while continuing to disrespect and betray your H. And what do you end up with...nothing.

Tell him the truth...he deserves to be the one making decisions about his life...not you and not the xBF.

Brooke, your brothers advice is evil. Keeping anyone in the dark about harm that has been done to them is wrong. If you fail to tell your H the truth you are choosing to be a bad person. You made a mistake...own up to it and move forward. Every single day that you choose to keep your H in the dark is another crime against him. Every day is another day that you are choosing to be a bad person. Turn from these ways and make decisions that are rooted in truth and character.

Brooke,

I know that right now you probably see no way out of this. But there is a way. Lies and deceit will get you more lies and more deceit until you cannot bare who you are anymore. The lies will kill your soul.

But the truth...it WILL set you free...no matter what comes out of it. You see, your lies have bound you in chains. You are in a lose/lose situation as long as you continue the lie. Your marriage will eventually be destroyed by the secret you hold. You cannot keep this secret AND create a loving, intimate marriage. You cannot keep this secret and walk away from this marriage without causing destruction. You are a fool if you think you can create more lies about why you are leaving your husband and he not see through it. Any lie you tell will make no sense to him. You see, BS's have missing pieces to the puzzzle of their lives. We can tell which pieces don't fit. Even when they "seem" to fit, we know they don't.

Your only solution is to tell the truth and begin to commit to being honest and open. Perhaps your husband will leave you. I think the odds of that are higher if you try to keep this lie going because you will continue to build walls to protect the secret. Eventually, anything resembling a mariage will be destroyed.

The only hope for your marriage is the truth. The only hope for you is to become honest.

Your husband is NOT being protected by your lying. Your husband has already been betrayed, he just doesn't know it yet. But he will sense it over time, you cannot hide this.

Also, how do you think your husband will feel when the secret comes out (because eventually it will), and YOU were not the one to come to him and be honest.

And NO this friend is NOT a friend. He is your husband's worst enemy.

And yes, all those harsh names could be said about you, too. Will you let those words define you, or are you willing to be something better?

Right now is your moment of truth.