THIS cannot be said enough.

STOP protecting YOURSELF and the OM. How selfish of you.

RESPECT your husband and TELL HIM THE TRUTH.

It is the ONLY way to start redeeming yourself.

Tell him TODAY so your husband doesn't have to feel the pain of MORE LIES and more BETRAYAL.

I just wanted to thank everyone for their advice. I will be honest and say as of right now I don't have it in me to tell my H about my affair with his best friend. I know I can't waffle forever. I just want to do what is right for everyone especially H. I have trouble wrapping my mind around what is the point of telling him if our marriage ends. I know he was betrayed but what would be the point? The betrayal could scar him forever not to mention what it would do to H and OM parents and all our mutual friends.

That is something you should have chosen to think of much sooner than this.

The damage is already done. You will not be able to reclaim yourself as a good person until you have brought this out into the open.

I hope you listen to the advice you've been given - it is the best possible way to go.

Brooke, your H will eventually find out. Mine did nearly 8 years after I perpetrated the betrayal on him. He was more angry about the lies than about the A. Imagine what a fool he will feel like down the road when he finds out the truth about his "best friend" and his xwife. Sweetie, I KNOW how hard it is. I KNOW how much easier it seems to continue the lie, M or no M. I can tell you that it ate at my soul and damaged me in ways that you cannot begin to imagine. Wouldn't you rather be the honorable one and tell him the truth?

So if your best friend had an affair with your husband it would be ok for you NOT to know and just go on being best friends? If you didn't know they had sex behind your back she is being a friend by not telling you about it? Does this really make sense to you? The point of telling him is honesty. Are you a woman of honor? Not right now. You can wrap your excuses in the most beautiful wrapping paper but it is still a pile of s*#t. Sorry to be so harsh but you are being so selfish it is mind-boggling to me. You claim to not want to hurt those around you including OM's family. You already have and you continue to every day you keep this secret. As for your brother's advice, he is biased because you are his sister. I am sure one of you BH's siblings would tell you something completely different. There are people here who HAVE been in your position and even they are telling you to tell the truth. Listen to them! Read some of the posts here until it sinks in. If you REALLY want to do what is best for your husband keep reading here. Read the stories about people who find out years later. You never know, if you do end the marriage OM may have a moment of guilt and tell him anyways. He also may have told someone else and your BH could find out that way.

Brooke,

Turn the situation around and think when your H was having the A it was WITH YOUR BEST FRIEND!

BUT...you never found out who the OW was.

Would you want to continue socializing with your best friend and telling her your deepest secrets and loving and trusting your best friend...even though YOU WOULD NEVER FIND OUT?

This best friend of your H's sound like a spineless little weasel, who is looking out for his own skin.

You gotta tell him and let the chips fall where they may. It will unburden you and, I hate to say this, but let him know what it feels like to be on the other side, except for him it will be a double whammy.

IMHO

kirk

Brooke, you want to treat your H like a fool and a pet...no one here can stop you (I would if I could). But I tell you that you will deserve every horrible thing that happens as a result of this betrayal...every single one.

You are making an educated decision to harm your H. For that, there is no forgiveness. What's the point? Duh? Are you really that clueless??? He has a RIGHT TO KNOW.

Brooke,

*** edited for TOS violation---harassment***

You can say that you're protecting them, but you are NOT. You are protecting YOURSELF and everyone here knows that.

*** edited for TOS violation---harassment***

Speaking as a BH, if you want to do what is right for your BH, you absolutely must tell him. I understand the the line of reasoning that 'what he doesn't know won't hurt him' and that you're shielding him from further pain by not telling, BUT those things are actually not true. It is actually the lies and betrayal that are more devastating for a BS than the infidelity. And the longer it has gone on, the worse that it is. The longer you wait to tell him, the worse it will be for him.

The point is that it is actually easier to heal from a wound when you know about it. Otherwise it is a hidden cancer. People can only help themselves if they know the truth of what's going on.

Yeah, well, the betrayal has already happened, so that is water under the bridge.

But, your confession at this point would at least allow your H to know what happened to him, instead of doing what most of BS's have to do - question our sanity.

There is no question as to what the right path forward is; the only question is whether you have what it takes to do the right thing.

AGG

You don't have to wait for some sort of surge of strength to do this. All it takes on your part is opening your mouth or taking out a pen and paper.



I, for one, do not believe you. You know right from wrong. Anyone can SAY they want what is best for someone. Those who mean it show care through actions.



Withholding from someone facts about their life is the ultimate in control.



Hiding the truth doesn't make it not the truth.

If you had no intention of coming clean about your affair, I'm curious why you came here to ask for advice about whether or not you should tell him.

Brooke28
"I just want to do what is right for everyone especially H... what is the point of telling him if our marriage ends... what would be the point? The betrayal could scar him forever not to mention what it would do to H and OM parents and all our mutual friends"

Are you afraid that your BH will not take you back?

Many BH's decide it is better to recover rather than leave their marriage.

Even if you want to divorce your BH you would further hurt him by not telling the truth.

Your divorcing BH is not going to scar him?

Who is your BH going to be left to console himself with?
The OM!

Who will BH cry into his beer with?
The OM!

Who is going to tell BH to watch out that his best friend is most likely going to try and bang his next wife or girl friend?

How could you leave your BH so vulnerable and open to attack again from his BF?

Brooke28... are you 100% certain that BF will NEVER tell anyone else? What happens if he does? Are you 100% certain that only you and BF know what you did? What happens if they do and they tell? Are you 100% certain that you were never seen together? What happens if you were? If it all comes out from someone else (and it will eventually) you'll NEVER live it down.

People will not like you when they find out. They will be hurt. They will be outraged. Some people may never speak to you again. Some people will forgive. But what OTHER people DO as a result of what YOU did should not be a factor in you doing the right thing.

By not owning up to what you did and giving your husband the information he has a right to have, you are living a lie, every day... for the rest of your life. How's that feel? That's no way to live.

i for one, do beleive you. however i don't think you truely understand what is best for your BH right now.

I am also a FWW, one that confessed. I had a lot more to tell him AND it included being with one of his good friends too.

you can do this Brooke. it will not be easy. i know that from personal experience!!!

i came here same as you. looking for a way to fix my life. finally realizing just how (there really is no nice way to say this) horrible of a person i was being.

i had to confess stuff about something that happened while engaged, about something that happened 5yrs into our marriage and then about a whole bunch of stuff that happened 15yrs into the marraige, including with that "friend" of his.

for me, i hit such a rock bottom, there was no where else to go but up finally. the people here were kind, but FIRM and really helped me open my eyes.

i fear people are not always so kind any more. please don't let that run you off.

trust me there are still plenty of kind souls here that truely want to help you and your marriage.

you have had reasons to leave your BH, although you did not choose to use those reasons before. you need to look at why that is. and you need to make a very clear choice here.

i believe that no matter if you want to stay married or not, you have to tell him the truth.

but first you must decide, do you want this marriage or not.

are you able to answer that question?

like i said, either way, you must tell your BH because like others have said, he needs to know his best friend is not a friend. honestly that is one of the things that finally made me take action, his bf kept acting like a bf when in reality i knew he was not. i knew BH would not want to go golfing with the guy if he knew the truth, it just was not right to allow my BH to be betrayed over and over everyday he saw that bf.

and harder to face but even more importanly, i realized i was betryaing him every day i was with him and dishonest. i did want my marriage to recover.

if you cannot cleary say you want this marriage to end then you should see that as a sign of wanting to try. and you should aim high and work towards recovery.

and the first step is the only action you have to truely start to give back to him what you took when you betrayed him. the truth.

i know the sick feeling in your stomach right now. it took me two d-days to confess all. (something i DON"T recommend!!) but like i said, i had so much more that needed confessing.

we will be here supporting you.

'

My husband's 18 month affair was with the wife of his life long friend ....

My husband confessed to his friend - face to face

Owning our mistakes is how we restore personal integrity ...

What would be the point? The point is that your H has a RIGHT to know the truth about his own life. Honesty is the solution to adultery, NOT MORE LIES.


YOU ARE NOT QUALIFIED TO DECIDE WHAT IS BEST FOR YOUR VICTIM. The rapist is NEVER qualified to decide what is best for his rape victim. To not tell your H is to compound the crime with LIES. What is best for your H is to know the TRUTH.

You are not acting in his best interest by not telling him, Brooke. You are running from the consequences of your actions. The TRUTH is the solution for ALL, not more lies. Lying and manipulation is never the answer.

As Forever said...


As a BH I can tell you this is at the core of betrayal.

Can I get over the fact my W had sex w/ some scumbag?

...probably

Can I live with knowing she can lie to me about just about anything now?

...don't know.

Have I lost all respect I had for her because of the betrayal?

...you bet

Can I get it back?

Only if she chooses to be completely and totally honest with me about everything from here on out...

Some people think that betrayal is about the sex...the true impact and damage is caused by the lies, Brooke.

Someone has said that waiting to feel like doing something before doing it is living life backwards.

I hope you choose to do the right thing because it is the right thing, not because it's the easiest thing or the thing that results in the least conflict...

Not ONE person here will agree w/ your keeping it from him. FWSs stand side by side w/ BSs on this...don't you get that?

Your brother has NO CLUE what he's talking about...he has NO experience with this, as the good people here do...

...and FINALLY, stop looking for excuses!!!!

L2F

Agree. Talk is cheap. Lying to one's victim about adultery demonstrates the EXACT OPPOSITE, that you DO NOT want what is best for him, but want to evade the consequences of your actions. What is best for him is to know the truth about his own life so he can protect himself and make decisions accordingly.

Brooke,

It sounds to me that you see your options as:

1. Stay married and keep lying.

2. Don't stay married and keep lying.


Both of those options make you a liar...until you tell the truth. Are you willing to be a liar for the rest of your life?

There is another option:

Tell the truth.

Please consider how you would feel if the roles were reversed. Would you want your husband to walk out on you and you have no idea about why? Would you want to confide your hurts with someone who secretly betrayed you? Imagine telling YOUR best friend all the details of your marriage and divorce, all the while she is keeping the secret that she scr#wed your husband over and over.

THAT is the position you are considering putting your husband in. Surely, you cannot live with that.

YES, it will tremendously hurt your husband to know the truth and to face the betrayals of the two people he probably trusted the most. BUT that does NOT change the fact that his deserves to know this information.

From my perspective, it looks like you are just trying to find a way NOT to tell. If I don't tell, can I stay? Maybe I should just throw in the towel on my marriage now...why? So you don't have to tell.

It's time to grow up and face whatever consequences come from your actions. You will not be able to hide this forever.

Brooke,

My husband and my "friend" had an affair.

They decided not to tell me, because they didn't want to hurt me.

They decided they didn't want me to know, and that it would be okay for me to live the rest of my life never knowing their secret.

They decided they would have the affair.

They decided I couldn't handle the truth.

They decided I would be hurt by the truth, and crushed, and might leave my husband.

They decided that they needed to keep it a secret to "protect others".

They decided EVERYTHING.


Who the he// do they think they are?


Because where in there do I get to make the choices for my life?

They treated me like I had no brain. No dignity. No ability to handle the truth of my own life, my own marriage, my own relationship.

[email]B@stards.[/email]

You bet I was angry. I was angry about the LYING.

My husband was pretty much content to LIE to me about our relationship until the day he died.

DO YOU DEFINE THAT AS A LOVING BEHAVIOR?

I sure don't.

DO YOU DEFINE THAT AS RESPECT?

I don't.

I deserved to know the truth about my marriage and my life.

Why?

Because MUCH TO THEIR SURPRISE, the decision

I MADE ABOUT MY OWN LIFE

when they were not involved

was not what they had decided at all.

Because I decided I DID want the marriage to be recovered.


You see, YOU are not even giving him a chance to figure out what HE wants.

You might be very surprised, Brooke.

He might want something very different from what you think he wants. He has already had an affair, and he has learned something - the very same thing YOU JUST LEARNED.

The grass is NOT greener.

Now go tell him. Stop taking his decisions out of his hands. He is a big boy, and he can handle it.

While you might not like what he decides, you actually might end up liking it. You don't know - because he hasn't even been given the chance to decide.

And regarding all the other people who might get hurt? You aren't giving them any credit at all. How much do you want to bet at least one of the two couples have had infidelity in their lives??????? Odds are, they have. They may never tell YOU - but believe me, when they hear this news, it won't be such a huge surprise, Brooke. At least one of them have been there, done that, and have burned the t-shirt.

SB