Brooke,

Pep's post:

""My husband confessed to his friend - face to face ""

What a gutsy, manly thing to do, don't you agree??

Why doesn't your H's best friend man up and confess? Instead of hiding behind your skirts.

I think that is what a true friend would do.

EDITED TO READ: Of course a true friend wouldn't have bedded his best friends wife in the first place.

kirk

Brooke,

Your H WILL find out the truth.

While YOU may not tell him and YOU may decide to get a D, the OM can NOT get a D from your husband. If HE continues to pretend,and tries to continue as your H's BF eventually the lie will eat at HIM also. How much worse if someday HE tells and you have been out of the picture and your H can't even talk to you to get info about the A.

And what if you get a D and the OM abandons your H? That is not an unlikely scenario. Your H will probably put 2 and 2 together.

And what about your next relationship? Will you be honest and say that you never confessed the A to your husband? There are MANY good men out there who would not want to take a chance on you knowing that you were still lying to your now XH.

As a BS who caught her WH, I cannot tell you how MUCH I wish that HE had had the courage to confess. I want my M to recover completely and we are working hard at it, but this is sore spot.

You and your husband have hurt each other SO much. I know that when you got married you did not intend to do that,but....like so many of us, here you are.

There are MANY WONDERFUL FWS on here who will help you every step of the way.

Have courage.

WH2LE

Brooke,

When you are ready to confess, come back.

We can help you figure out HOW to do it. So that it lessens the likelihood of a total loss of the marriage.

There are ways to do this that are caring, and easier on the BS. And, with support, you CAN make this marriage better.

SB

Brooke,

Well, you have heard from just about all sides of this. You have heard from Betrayed spouses whose spouse had an affair with their best friend. You have heard from former Wayward spouses who did in fact have an affair with their spouse's best friend. You have heard from just about all sides of this.

Notice that all of them are giving you the same advice??? There is a reason and it is a reason you don't yet understand but you will.

The reason is you. You don't understand this yet, but whether or not your marriage makes it, the advice that is being given is for you. I am going to assume that in general you are a woman of morals, you are a woman of standards, you are a woman that honors her commitments and vows. I suspect I am not far off with that assumption.

If you are even close to my assumption, you are going to find that this will eat you up and change you in ways you cannot imagine. There have been many posters here over the 9 years I have been here that have been in your situation. One poster, Jill, struggled for over a year while posting here with telling her H, and she finally did. Do you know why? It was killing her, she wanted her marriage and the walls she put up to protect the truth was driving her H away. FL, as she mentioned as been there as well. Many others have.

So while most of the posters have stated the obvious truth, your H deserves to know the truth, the other obvious truth is YOU NEED TO SPEAK THE TRUTH. This advice is for you really. You have violated your own codes and I know you have them because when your H had an affair you took it very very hard, and you in fact did not work on the marriage while he was doing the heavy lifting.

Now it is you and you have taken it a step further, you have ruined your H's friendship with his best friend. It will never be the same even if you don't tell but your H will not know why. If this "best friend" has a modicum of conscience he will not be comfortable around your H. Further, he has no chance to repair this friendship unless he does tell your H what happened.

Brooke you need to do this for yourself. The "easy" route of not telling your H is not the "right" route nor will it protect anyone. Further, you put your H in great danger of being taken advantage of by his best friend. A best friend is someone you trust with your life, your money, your family, you friends, and his 'best friend' has shown that that trust is not warrented. In fact, he has shown that your H is in great danger if he ever trusts this man again. A man that will do what he did, to his best friend, and still hang around, is someone that most of us guys would happily put out of his misery. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

Your H needs to be told to protect him from his BEST FRIEND. He needs to be told to give him a chance to make a decision about this marriage. AND he needs to be told to help you with your life.

I can see no good to come from this secret. This secret hurts all involved. The truth will be painful, of that there is no doubt, but like lancing a boil, it allows healing to begin.

You need to really consider the cost of not telling much more than worry about the cost of telling. Believe me the former will be much higher as this debt accrues interest and comes due.

Tell the man, but before you do come here and develop a plan to tell him in a way that allows you two to talk. I would recommend that this be done with a counselor or clergy present. Just my opinion on this one.

Must go. Please consider what everyone is telling you.

God Bless,

JL

Pepperband,

What is the status of your H and his former best friend? How did the best friend react? Was there is a physical altercation?

There were so many comments. I know some of you don't believe me but I really do want to do right by my H. After reading what schoolbus had to say and some other posters I realize I do not have the right to play God with his life. I don't want him to find out by accident 8 years from now. The only person that knows is my brother and a cousin of OM's. I know they would never say anything but still secrets do have a way of coming out.

I know most here think that xOM is scum but since our affair started he really has distanced himself from H and has not stepped foot in H's parents house. He really does feel guilty. xOM is a workaholic and travels extensively so it's not unusal for them to go weeks w/o seeing each other. H did get very worried about xOM when he passed on going to the Super Bowl. Incidents like that are what arouse suspicion and he also noted his email contact is not what it use to be. So on some level he knows something is wrong with his best friend.

I know in my head that I need to tell husband and after reading all the posts multiple times I understand now why he has to know even if the marriage ends.

I talked to my brother last night and told him the guilt was killing me and I was thisclose to telling H. He told me he thought xOM was about ready to crack as well and told me xOM has not had a restful night sleep since we started our affair (brother and xOM are best friends as well). He then told me he thought I was crazy to confess but he would be there for me to support me when all this came out.

The major problem I have now is I don't know if I want to stay married or not. Now my line of thinking is the most practical thing to do is confess and end the marriage so we can all move on with our lives. Bottom line I slept with his best friend in the whole world. At least H had the decency to have an affair with someone I did not know. I see no hope in making this marraige work at all. If I had slept with anyone else but his best friend I could see us getting past this. I think the betrayal would just be too much. I'm just rambling now. I will post some more when I am thinking more clearly.

Status: They do not see or speak , unless by accident. We live 400 miles away - however their mothers live across the street from each other - so chance "sightings" are possible - this is actually very rare - in 12 years of recovery maybe fewer than 5 times

"Best Friend": They grew up together - however they were not best friends at the time of the A. I would say "life long friends" is more like it - they went to Boy Scouts together, camping, spent holidays together growing up, etc.
As adults their time spent with each other was much less frequent

The Reaction: "I already knew about it when I read the love letters." My H was shocked, in part because OW lied and told my H she had destroyed the letters. (Adulterors lie, did you know that? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" /> )
His immediate response was strange - not anger - a sort of smugness ...

Physical altercation:
No. I was there too. We met him in a public place, a coffee shop.

OW's husband asked to meet me in private later that day - and I did. We shared information & he read me the love letters .... *gag*

However - I do need to stress MY POINT with you ....

our marriage has recovered because my husband took this first step - owning his mistakes - like a man!

Your X OM is a weasel <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/tongue.gif" alt="" />

Well first only 1/2 the decision to stay married is yours. Once your husband knows he has the right to decide for himself as well. Now you go on to again ASSume how your H will react. Tell him the truth. Give him all the facts that he asks for. Be quiet, remorseful and kind to him. Give him time to be angry, hurt whatever before you make yet another decision that affects HIS life. He may surprise you.

"Is confessing always the right thing to do?"

Is honesty the right thing?
Is owning your mistakes the right thing?

What will it take for you to hold you head high? More lies? More dishonesty? Another affair? Years of an unhappy marriage?

If you do not do the "right thing" now .... when will you?

Your brother has very low standards in choosing friends so it only makes sense that he would demonstrate such poor judgment about being honest with your husband.

I suspect he is more concerned about hiding the fact that he was complicit in hiding your affair from your H, which is why he would encourage you to LIE. He seems not be concerned AT ALL about you or your H, only himself. He is an accessory to the crime and is clearly only concerned about his own hide. If he cared about you, he would support you in BEING GOOD, not enable you to be BAD.

Brooke28,
Old saying: a secret can be kept between two people only when one of them is dead.

Four people now know of the afair, WW BHB OM OMC.

Your posts have caught the eye of MelodyLane and Pepperband. I seen their experience help many WS's and BS's.

In all fairness your BH has been suspecting something.

How can you make BH's brother carry the burden of this secret to his grave?

Do you know what damage will be done once your BH finds out that he was also betrayed by his brother for not telling him?

It could be enough to keep them apart for the rest of their lives. How do you think that turn of events is going to effect BH's parents?

There are so many people willing to help you here.

Your were strong enough to do it. Now take the next step and tell the truth.

Melody,

He does care for me.

My brother used to be best friends with H as well. That all went out the window when he found out about his affair and he has been on his ****** list ever since. He is biased.

For some history my brother introduced me to H. He met H and xOM at college and from that point on the 3 were together like glue until about 2 years ago.

Brooke, when you come out of the FOG, you will not remember your brother fondly. He is the "friend" who gave the chronic alcoholic whiskey. He is the "friend" who gave the suicidal a pistol because he only wanted to be liked. That is your brothers idea of "caring."

Helping you lie and cheat and destroy your marriage and your own soul is not the act of someone who CARES, but the behavior of someone who does not give a DAMN. Caring is NOT demonstrated by ENABLING bad behaviors. If your brother cared ABOUT YOU, he would support you in BEING GOOD. He could never abide seeing this self destruction in someone he supposedly "cares" about.

H's brother does not know what is going. It's my brother that knows.

I am trying to figure the best time to tell H and how. He is on a business trip now but will be back on Friday. After that he does not have to be back at work until March 3rd. I know I have to do it sooner rather than later. If I don't do it this weekend I am not sure I will ever do it. I am not sure I can face him. Maybe I should write a letter and tell him. I am trying to figure out the best way to do it.

Is H known to have a bad temper?

Does H use alcohol very much?

Are there weapons in your home? (remove any)

Brooke,

I'm glad you are still posting.

I'm not sure what more I can say other than to tell you that we will be here to support you all the way. I understand your fear. I've been there. You are not alone.

I hope you read FF's post closely. Don't assume how your BH will respond and don't certainly don't make decisions based on assumptions.

Brooke, the only way to do it is face to face. Yes, you can do that and should do that. It is in your best interest - and his - to face this HEAD ON no matter how hard it is.

And I understand completely that this will be hard, but don't degrade yourself by doing this dishonorably without facing him. You CAN face him. WITH HONOR.

And that is what it will take to REGAIN the dignity and honor you LOST by having an affair.

You are not a cockroach anymore, so you do not have to hide. Face this in an HONORABLE manner, Brooke. CHOOSE to behave with HONOR AND DIGNITY starting TODAY. TREAT YOURSELF WITH HONOR AND DIGNITY, Brooke.

Brook,

We have all been reading and posting but I wonder if you are really listening. If you tell your H you may well find that there is something there and that both of you want to rebuild this marriage. You may find you have nothing left for your H and want to divorce. Your H may find your betrayal and that of his "best friend" more than he can handle and want out no matter what you want.

Noone can tell you the future. But, we can tell you with great accuracy that keeping this secret will erode you, your feelings for your brother, your relationship with OM (who cares), and clearly the relationship with your H. And finally, it will change even how you deal with your parents, yup, even they will be affected if they are still alive.

Girl, betrayal runs soooo deep, and deceit makes betrayal even worse. Someone is going to spill the beans.

My recommendation is that it is you. It offers you and your H the best possible scenario to make decisions that are best for each of you and both of you.

Brook, this is not about pain now. It is about an opportunity to set the course for the rest of your life. Will it be led in the shadow of lies and betrayal, or will it be led in the light of honesty? Your H deserves no less that honesty from you, and you NEED to be honest.

Please think about this. I will close by quoting you an "honor code" used in military academies. "I will not lie, cheat or steal, nor tolerate those that do." Simple, and very powerful. The first question asked by incoming cadets, "do you really expect us to turn in a friend?"

The answer, the code is straight forward. If you know of a violation and don't turn it in you are going to be found to be just a guilty as the person who did it. So yes, but more importantly a person that would put you in the position of having to make this decision is really NOT your friend.

Brooke, many people are now guilty of betraying your H and that includes his "best friend" is other "best friend" your brother, whoever you have confided in, and clearly yourself. It is time you took your brother out of the middle of this, and also your H's "best friend". Your brother has tried to protect you, but in doing so he has hurt you, and himself. He is as big a liar as OM and you now.

Isn't it time you step away from this and do the right thing? I think so.

God Bless,

JL

AMEN

Brooke,

regarding your brother. I partially agree with Melody. My sister knew and enabled it. In truth i was falling apart so bad, i really needed her help me to be a good person, for MY SAKE. like melody is saying. I wish she could of done that for me.

however, i do not judge her as harshly as melody is saying. i don't believe she did not give a DAMM.

I see her as someone who's own moral compass is messed up too.

I still care for her, but she is NOT someone I look to for guidance. really our relationship is pretty much just gone. i know she also still cares for me. but she keeps her distance for the marriage sake now. she knows my husband does not like her now. she does not blame him but she also does not apologize. i have even told her I wished she had been hard on me, not enabled my behavior. i honestly believe she just doesn't even understand what i am saying. she says she just wanted me to be happy. she does not get it. a person cannot be happy doing things i was doing.

AMEN to this too !