Pepperband,

Husband does not drink, a real health nut. I am not worried about my physical safety though I know I will get the verbal thrashing of my life.

What worries me is that I know H will go after xOM. H and xOM are skilled in the martial arts and had black belts by the time they were 12. They could do a lot of damage to each other. I know OM will not stand there and let H beat the crap out of him. He will defend himself. I don't want to see H end up in jail or hurt. I am simply not worth it.

I am going to tell my brother to tell xOM to leave town for a few days until H can cool off.

advice on how to tell. i first wrote a note. i had it ready to give it to him in case i didn't get everything out, because of my inablity or in case i was cut off by his reaction.

i wanted to have a fail safe way to know he would be given the information no matter what.

we were alone. I know JL recommends doing it in the presense of a MC or pastor. i know many do it this way too.

my husband does not like any MC and we were not close to a pastor. he is a very private man, having this occur between just between him and i was best for him.

OK

I believe telling him on my own is the best course of action. He is an Atheist so any kind of clergy is out. I never bonded with our MC and only went a few times. I know I can tell him about the affair itself but when I get to the who part I know I will fall apart.

no you won't!

if i was able to, so can you!

There is a huge difference between caring and enabling and I think many confuse the two. Enabling is NOT really caring, it is fools gold that only looks like caring. A person that really cares will not ignore it while their sibling destroys herself because if they truly care, they could not BEAR to watch it anymore than they could bear to watch their friend take 30 lashes.

A caring person would do whatever she could to help that person STOP harming herself. A person who does not care will either ignore it or ENABLE it as Brookes brother has done.

In her brother's case, exposure of the affair potentially leads to exposure of the fact that HE was complicit all along and never lifted a finger to alert his BIL. I think THAT is what he really "cares" about.

I agree that telling him on your own is the best course of action. And yes, it will be hard. But this is your chance to right that wrong and regain the honor you lost.

Expect him to be very upset, but also be prepared and willing to answer all of his questions openly and honestly.

And Brooke, please rely on us. Come here before and after and we can help you through it. We all know it is hard.

melody, only a person who is healthy enough themselves to understand what we are both saying is capable of doing what we both are saying people should do.

"I think THAT is what he really "cares" about." that is what you THINK. you do not know anything about the inside of her brother's heart.

i know my sister was honestly doing what she felt was best for me. she was dead wrong. but that does not negate her love for me.

it was not a healthy or helpful love.

i know this, and i also know that she still does not get it.

you can continue to go on and on about how evil her brother is if you want to. your choice. i've done my best to explain my view. i accept yours as yours.

Telling him will be hard...but not near as hard as keeping it from him.

Oh, I don't know. I don't think enablers are concerned with what is BEST for that person, but are concerned about telling them what they want that HEAR in order to be liked. That is the hallmark of an enabler. To avoid causing conflict and being LIKED at any cost. Any sane person knows that lying and cheating is not in anyone's best interest. But telling a person what they want to hear, no matter how destructive, is always the least risky.

I think once she does recover, she will not remember her brother's uncaring behavior fondly and may feel differently. I don't think he is "evil," but she needs to be clear that his behavior is not "caring" but ENABLING.

Amen, Ruby.

I have to disagree with that. I truly believe with every fiber of my being he wants to protect me. Out of everyone involved he has the least to lose when this is exposed. He is no longer friends with H. That ended when he found out about his affair. He might get a few lectures but that is about it. His concern is me and the impact it will have on all our friends and family.

Hopefully he will grow up to understand some day that he has not been protecting you or your H or anyone concerned. Lying and cheating have a devastating effect on marriages and consciences. True CARING is demonstrated by ACTION, not a nebulous feeling that is never backed up by action. you will know them by their fruits.

it's ok that you and i and melody may not agree as to what is motivating people and what is in their heart.

we should not be distracting you with discussion about your brother. you have more important things to focus on. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Brooke28,
Not sure why your brother had a falling out with your BH.
Being that your brother maybe giving advice that is too biased instead of being fair and impartial.

If your BH comes home Friday, I hope you can tell him Saturday. This way BH can have as much time to process the truth before he has to go back to work.

Well, what about the impact it will have on you trying to keep this horrible secret for the rest of your life. Brooke, it will destroy you.

Brooke,

You can do this. Tell youself that over and over. Look yourself in the mirror and tell yourself that.

Please keep posting.

Brooke,

Glad you're still here.

When you tell him, keep a few things in your mind.

Remember the feeling of love. Remember you are telling him something that will hurt him, and remember that he will feel pain. Try to forget your own fear and selfishness during this time, and to do this with the love of a wife.

Because I want to tell you the next thing:

Don't be so sure that you will want a divorce after you tell him. You might actually find yourself wanting to save this marriage. He may react so differently than you expect, that you may find a man you never knew existed within him. Be ready for your feelings to be so mixed - and for his reaction to be mixed from day to day and from moment to moment.

Don't make any decisions right away. Ask him not to make any decisions right away, either.

Because this is a very rough time.

I'm saying this because he has had an affair, and from what you will learn on this website and the materials here, is that you two most likely did not do a proper recovery the first time around.

That first affair - has affected what is happening right now.

You two never really got it together after that, and the marriage was left wide open and vulnerable for this to happen again.

But
but
but

There IS hope for you two, if you both love each other. If that basic feeling of love is there, you CAN recover your marriage.

I believe, from what you have written, that you do have that basic love for him, and he does for you.

So, there IS a recovery possible here.

Contact the Harleys, and talk to them. Read this website, because the plan here can help you two figure out how to make the marriage a better one, even after this mess.

Believe it.

SB

Good Morning Brooke,

I just wanted to check in with you and say Hi.

Hi FL2H,

Good morning to you. I am thinking up different ways to tell him. There really is no ideal way. I asked my brother to tell xOM to please leave town when I tell him this weekend. My brother relayed to me he is not going anywhere and is ready for the fall out. He is relieved the truth is coming out. That has me really on edge. Now that I have made the decision to tell all I want to do is get it over with.