YIKES! I was just going to tell you not to warn the OM. That gives him time to either tell your BH first or craft a story to make you look like the bad guy. Be prepared just in case he beats you to the punch.

He would not do that. I know you might be thinking I am in some sort of fog but that is not the case. My main concern is that H does not end up in jail. I was thinking of calling xOM myself but decided against it. I want to be able to tell H we have had NC since we ended the affair.

Could you have your brother and BH's brother there close by when use tell?

Have them block BH's car in the drive way so he can't tear off in a rage.

Can they be on the back patio or front porch?

I don't know. I feel that it's really important that its just me and him there when I tell him. He is going to feel humilated as it is. My brother lives a couple of blocks from xOM so maybe he can keep order at xOM house. I just wish he would leave town when I tell him. One less thing I would have to worry about.

Brooke,

I don't mean to be harsh with you, but you need to realize that all the things you think aren't possible....are...given the right circumstances.

Did you ever think it possible that you would have an affair with your husband's best friend?

Did you ever think he would come on to you?

Life's circumstances have changed. By sharing this information with OM, you have now given him the opportunity to protect his own interests. He has already demonstrated he has no respect for your marriage, you, or your husband. You need to see that. He is an enemy to your marriage. He is not a friend to your husband or to you. And yes, you are still in the fog about OM.

You need to talk with your husband as soon as he returns.

There are people here who can help you formulate what to say so that the least amount of damage occurs. I hope you will let them.

Are your ready for some help with that?




BTW, I see you have made the decision to tell the truth. I respect you for that. You will continue to gain respect here as you follow through on this. If you commit to being honest and working through this with your husband, you will once again become the woman you want to be.

Hi Brooke,

see you are WAY ahead of me!!! it took me a really long time to get the nerve to tell. and it took WAY more than 6 pages of posts to convince me to confess!!

i like the idea of blocking the car... is there anyway you can do that with your own car? or can you quietly get a hold of BH's keys right before you tell him?

my BH the next day went to the brother of the "friend" OM and told him what had occured (to my knowledge the brother did not know prior to that point) and he told him to pass on the message to never contact him again.

i do agree with others here.... you should not be letting OM know what is going on.

i understand your desire to keep everyone safe and out of jail.

it's too late to untell the OM now. so we move on.

seems to me that letting your brother know the day it comes down and having him on alert in case your BH takes off looking for OM sounds smart.

the key now is telling your BH as soon as you can.

you hanging in there ok?

FL2H,

I can't live in this limbo anymore. My marriage has been in limbo for 2 years now. I can't deal with it anymore. It's gone on way too long. Before I started posting I really was convinced that ending the marriage an moving on was the right thing. After reading the post by bus I realized I had no right to keep this secret. This weekend is the perfect time to do it. He has vacation time coming up and not expected back at work.

i;m very proud of you Brooke. for what that's worth <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

i'm not always near a computer over weekends but i'll do my best to try to stay connected.

Brooke,

I encourage you to ask Schoolbus for some help in HOW to tell your BH.

You are going to feel very anxious tomorrow. Remember to breathe.

Are you a Christian? If so, pray for God's guidance and that He calm your spirit. I'll be praying that for you.

Brooke28,

You will feel so much better when you unload this burden. Thank you for telling your BH.

"I was thinking of calling xOM myself but decided against it. I want to be able to tell H we have had NC since we ended the affair"

Whether you met in person, phone, IM, text, email, letter, have someone else deliver the message you have had further contact with the OM. Having communication is not having NC.

You are still putting the OM first and ahead of your BH.

The cost of a phone call $.25 cents. Loyalty, priceless. Breaking NC is not showing remorse.

OM will now be sitting home plotting how to use your warning to his advantage.

Brooke,

Gosh, I don't know what to say, except that I'm very glad to say that you have decided to tell him the truth.

The "how" to do it is a very good question.

Is there a right way? I don't think so. But there are ways to lessen the blow, I believe.

Understand this - the minute you say the words "I had an affair", the very next thing you say will be lost words.

So you must pause after those words, and allow him to process that. People who have been given bad news tend to more or less "freeze" at the point of the bad news, and have difficulty processing the rest of the information beyond a certain point. That is why they return and ask the same questions, over and over.

It's better to give some pauses in your talking in order to allow that process time to happen, before going on.

That being said, here's how I WISH I had been told. Instead, I discovered the affair on my own.

Maybe you could work from this vantage point:

H, for awhile I have searched my soul to try to find a way to tell you what has happened in my life, in our lives. To say I am sorry will never express the grief that I feel, nor begin to take away the pain that I know I have caused between us. When I began down the road I took, it was to fulfill a selfish need in myself. I saw nothing but myself, thought only of myself, and cannot for the life of me understand why I walked that road.

I can only now tell you that I regret that walk. I regret each and every moment of it, and if I have to spend every minute of my life making amends to you for it, I will.

I will do everything it takes to make our marriage work, because having this relationship work this time means everything to me.

We both know what an affair can do to a marriage. We never recovered from the last affair. We did not protect our marriage from other people. There wasn't a plan for us to rebuild our love, to rebuild our marriage, and the result is that we were not insulated from the damage of affairs. I know now that there is a place where we can get help for our marriage. That there is help, and that we can recover from the damage that has been done between us - from your affair back then.

And from my affair, now. You see, I have had an affair.

------pause here--------------

He will ask questions


You wait him out a minute.


Then say,


I know you have questions now. I know you are angry. I understand that, and I accept 100% of the blame for my affair.

I will answer all of your questions, because you deserve all of the answers. You have a right to make decisions about your life, and your marriage.

But for now, please, can we agree not to make any decisions for a least a few weeks? That way, we can both calm down, and make more rational choices for ourselves, and for our marriage. If we take things more slowly, and work together, we may be able to handle this with an outcome that is okay for both of us. We may even be able to save our marriage, and we might even end up with a stronger marriage together.

I'm willing to try, because I do have the love for you that it will take, and I know you have that love for me.


Wait for him.....he will have questions, he will swing from mood to mood.

The best thing you can do is let him vent, and for YOU to remain perfectly calm and accept his venting. Repeat for him that you accept the blame, 100%. That the affair was about YOU, not about him, not about what he did or did not do for you, not about his looks, not about the other man.

Because, Brooke, as you will learn here, the affair - -

really IS all about the wayward spouse.


Tell him at some point that you had no right to look outside the marriage for comfort, or for having your emotional needs met.

Tell him at some point that you had no right to talk to another man about things you should have talked to your husband about.

Tell him that you have regret, remorse, and disgust about your actions.

IN NO CASE do you tell him that you sought out the other man because of anything you found lacking about your husband.

This talk now belongs to him - his questions will likely become the focal point, and take the lead for the rest of the weekend. He will want to know some details, and ask them over and over. He will be trying to figure out how long he was lied to, and about what. DO NOT LIE TO HIM ABOUT ANYTHING AT ALL. This is very important, because ANYTHING you hold back now WILL come back to haunt you later. Do not try to protect him, do not try to hold back information for any reason. If he asks, answer with simple responses - tell him you will answer in more detail later if he wants, but at this point can you agree to cover the major points, and if you two feel he's bogged down in details you can agree to do that later on, because you know he will have many more questions and you have lots of time for that. Reassure him that you will answer those details as he comes up with questions.

Be very honest, but do not say things he will feel are a put-down to him. He will cling to those. For example, don't say "I liked OM's body better" - instead, say, "We need to work on fulfilling each other's emotional needs better, and there are many - one of which is physical attraction. The information I'm reading is really helpful on that." Suggest that the two of you read "After the Affair" or "Surviving the Affair" together, so that you can begin a recovery.

Your husband will ask "why". Your response should be, "I was selfish, stupid, and self-centered. I was irresponsible, and not in control of myself. I was living a fantasy, and forgot that the REAL man of my dreams was YOU. I was a total idiot."

Because that, Brooke, is about as close to the truth as it gets. Harsh, yes, but if my husband had said that - I would have LOVED to have heard it. Instead, I got, "I don't know." How frustrating that was.

I hope this helps.

Oh, by the way, your body language!!!!

You should sit without anything between you, facing him but at a slight angle. Touch and hold his hands, both of them. Try as much as possible to look at him when you do this, but not stare - this is going to be the hardest thing, to look at him, but try to look up at him when you get your strength to do so. He will be able to judge your honesty and sincerity when you apologize. At least start out that way - looking at him. When you talk about your plan for recovery - the MB plan - try to look at him, because it will be your stronger part.

You will cry, but try to contain it. You will need to be strong for him.

SB

SB...

That is truly beautiful...

This needs to be the epilogue of the WS handbook.

Brooke, you are truly blessed to have the support and guidance of such wonderful people here.

You will be rewarded for your decision to do the right thing.

It will be VERY hard...but know that no matter what happens to your marriage, it will be the ONLY way to move forward in YOUR life...with honesty, dignity, respect and love.

L2F

Morning Brooke,

Thinking of you. You doing ok?

FLT2H,

You know I am a lot calmer than I thought I would be and I was finally able to get some sleep last night. I have been very very restless since xOM and I ended our EMA. I doubt I will post over the weekend so don't feel you have to pop in on my account. I doubt I will be in any condition to post. I know my life will never be the same after this weekend.

I live in a big city but still I know a lot of people here especially in my neighborhood. I went to the grocery store one last time before the whispers, stares, and dirty looks start. I went to my salon the most gossipy place you can imagine before the [censored] hit the fan. I will be a topic of conversation there for months to come like my H was.

schoolbus,

You have given me some very good ideas and I thank you for it. I just hope I can get it out the right way to cause the least amount of pain possible.

Good luck to you this weekend Brooke28. Remember, you can come back here for support anytime.

Brooke,

i'm glad you are feeling calm. don't assume anything, not everyone in the world needs to know. just keep breathing and be there for your WH.

and, i'm still going to keep an eye out for you as best I can, just in case...

no matter what, know i'll be praying for you.

and you are right, your life won't be the same, it's going to start getting better now. that is really a good thing Brooke. I know it's hard for you to see that now.

God Bless!!

Brooke,

I will be praying for you this weekend. You are absolutely doing the right thing.

*IF*the neighborhood starts gossiping about you, remind yourself of several things:

1)Jesus Himself said, "Let he who is without sin cast the first stone." He said this to the self-righteous Pharisees who felt that an ADULTRESS should be stoned for her sin. His point was that NO ONE is without sin and that NO ONE has the right to stone you(with gossip, with dirty looks, with shunning) for YOUR sin. Jesus knew that every one of those Pharisees had hidden sin, skeletons in their closets.
Adultrey is a sin like any other, not better, not worse. All sin is equally awful, seperating us from God. Hold your head high after you confess. You may be surprised. Someone in a similar situation, who needs encouragement to do the same, may turn to you after they see you.

2)If you have asked for forgiveness, God HAS forgiven your sin. It may be a while before your husband is able to do the same, but God is a different matter. I think this is one of the few thoughts that got my husband through the first few days after D-Day. Even "I" had to admit that if he was truly repentant that God had forgiven him. He was and you certainly sound like you are.

God be with you.
WH2LE

Brooke,

I am thinking of you and praying for you and your husband this evening. I will check back over the weekend...just in case you need the support.

You ARE doing the right thing. And we WILL be here for you.

And SB, that dialog was incredible!!! Wow! If we all could hear it like that. You are right, it WOULD lessen the blow.

Ditto SMB's post.

I admire your decision, Brooke. It shows tremendous character.

ditto, God bless you!