ML, i respectfully asked someone to consider an alternative action. I am not being a bully or a thread police.

And I respectfully ask that you knock it off and leave the policing to the board moderators.

Brooke,

How ya doing?

How's it going, Brooke? Can we get an update on your husband?

What did I 'suggest"?

Hi Nutchecked

The vets (of which MelodyLane is one) are amazing. Stick around and you will see how amazing. Some of this stuff is not intuitive. Don't worry, you will pick it up. Brooke has done something incredibly courageous and Melody wants to make sure it does not derail.

Sit back and listen. Learn with us. This stuff is great!

FLTH.... Mel has been spot on with her advice and words. Perhaps you should speak less and read more ...you might learn something.

I don't know what you suggest. My point was about HER wisdom in suggesting your points to her BS, a very bad move.

ML,

You may be right regarding Brooke's H reaction but I want to reiterate that it is my hope that when he has a chance to think things through, that he will see how it felt for Brook when she found out about his affair. Please don't extrapolate my views and paint me as someone that condones Brook's affair for that is simply not the case. BTW I am also a FBH whose marriage ended when my ex-WW left me for her OM. She married the OM shortly after our divorce but was paid in kind a few years later when he left her for an OW. I received a letter from my ex-WW last year telling me how very sorry she was for betraying me the way she did and that if it was any consolation that she now knows firsthand what it's like to be stabbed in the back. Sometimes it takes a WS becoming a BS to fully comprehend the magnitude of the devastation that his/her affair brought to his/her BS.

Nowhere in my post did I say to her that she should tell her H to empathize with her situation as a BW now that he is a BH. It is my hope though that he comes to this conclusion by his own thought processes and not anybody else's.

Thanks for the background information and the clarification, nutchecked. Perhaps he will some day have an increased sense of empathy. I sort of doubt it given that since she was once a BS she KNOWS what it is like and still chose to do it to him. That is the usual response to a BS who cheats, not enhanced empathy.

Even so, my empathy lies with her husband right now. He deserves our sympathy and empathy. I applaud Brooke for telling him. I know that was not easy. I hope that she does focus her attention on being as supportive of him as possible.

And nowhere did I say you did. But you never told her NOT to bring it up, so I DID. Empathy for her affair seemed an odd suggestion in light of the current circumstances. I think she would be better served focusing on empathy for HER VICTIM, not herself, given that he is the one in dire straits.

Empathy for her affair? I don't think so. The empathy is for her as a BW for HIS affair. She may not be a victim but neither is he.

Of course he is a victim. He is a victim of adultery. Not only an affair, but an affair with his BEST FRIEND. A double betrayal. He has been betrayed in the worst possible way by his wife and his best friend. He most certainly IS a victim. He has been dealt a blow as traumatic as the death of a child or a RAPE.

I wonder if you perhaps don't understand the gravity or the dynamics of adultery, which would explain your odd focus on attention to misplaced empathy for Brooke?

FL2H,

I slept very bad last night but I have been eating. I really want to thank you for your support. It means a lot to me. I want to thank everyone else as well.

I am stressed to the brink and I can barely think. Things have gone from bad to worse. My brother told me that xOM and H got into a knock out drag out fight in his front yard. I don't know how they all ended up at my brothers. By some miracle the police were not called but they both had to have medical attention. He said that H took one look at xOM and attacked him. He still will not return my phone calls or anything. I have not seen him since yesterday.

I feel literally sick right now. Oh and I had to tell my parents. They were livid. They yelled at me for 30 minutes. They said I should have divorced H 2 years ago if I was going to have an affair. They also wanted to know if I was going to have one why his best friend. After they calmed down they told me they would support me and they loved me. They strongly encouraged me to end the marriage, learn from this experience and get on with my life. They kept on saying I have been stuck too long.

This silence he is giving me is driving me crazy. I wish he would yell at me or do something!! I don't know how much more of this I can take.

H's mother called and told me I was a ******. She would not tell me anything. In the end she hung up on me.

What an absolute tragedy with far reaching ramifications. Brooke, I do applaud you for doing the right thing and telling your H, but I suspect this won't be easy for awhile. This affair has effected many more people than just your H. This, no doubt, has devastated your H, and I hope he doesn't harm himself in his fury. Hang in there. You were very brave in telling him the truth.

Brooke,

Time and patience is the order of the day. Your H has had a rather nasty shock. Oh! and don't worry too much about a bit of a physical confrontation, it might have helped clear some of this for both of them. They may never be good friends again, but this may have been what both needed. In one case to clear some of the guilt and the other to normalize some of the sting of the betrayal.

Don't make any decisions for some time now. It has only been a few days. You need to be thinking in terms of months or even years. So calm down, things will sort out one way or another, but it will take time and patience for you to make a good decision.

You have done better than you realize for all concerned given that your H had already been betrayed by OM and you, it just a matter of your H knowing what was wrong.

Hang in there.

God Bless,

JL

Oh there's no doubt that he has suffered a double betrayal but HE IS ALSO A BETRAYER and to act as though he isn't is sheer hypocrisy on his part. He is NOT free of the sin that he visited on his W a short time ago.


Wonder as much as you want. It really doesn't change a thing.

Hey Brooke, so good to hear from you.

I am very glad to be here for you. sort of a pay it forward thing... there were so many kind souls that helped me so much (like JL).

and what he says is so true. Time and patience are key. it took me a while to get the concept of months and years!! but it's true.

there will be others that will be unable to show you compasion, that is their problem. that does NOT mean you do not deserve compasion.

and don't worry about those that voice their doubts about your marriage. you hang on to the hope of recovery. there was an older woman who at her DH's funeral was asked how they managed to stay together for so long. her answer was, one of them always managed to keep belief in them alive.

at times, we all have doubts. well right now your BH will have a ton of doubts. You have to be the one with the hope and belief. don't make any quick decisions to run off.

you can become a much stronger couple in spite of all this and right now YOU have to be the one that holds on to that thought.

honestly, the best way to ease your pain is to stay focused on your BH. i know that is hard given he is not around, however, here is one thing you can do.... TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF!!! you will not be able to help him if you are a total mess with no sleep. (i'm glad you are eating). so take some benedryl (if you are not alergic) and get your rest.

keep posting, i'll be here.