Brooke,

Praying for you and your H, and for all extended families.

Good moring Brooke,

I hope you got some sleep. Prayers for you and your DH continue.

Brooke,

As mentioned above, please do not rush into making any decisions. Even if your BH files for divorce, there is still hope.

No one, not your parents, not your MIL, not your friends, not even us, can tell you that you should get a divorce. That is a decision only and, and of course, your husband, can make. It will be a tough road ahead for both of you, whether you stay married or not. You see, the pain of betrayal doesn't just go away because you divorce. And the pain, guilt, and shame you feel doesn't go away just from divorcing either. To fully recover from the betrayals and sin, you both must walk a road to healing...maybe together, maybe not. But neither one of you can get past this without doing serious work to heal.

I agree with the others here that the best thing you can do is stay focused on helping your husband. No doubt, if you stay married you will need to eventually deal with the betrayal you suffered. But right now, the fresh wound that needs tending was caused from your and OM's affair.

Great post, SMB. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Call her in a week to offer an apology .... do this with a humble heart. Do not expect forgiveness. Apologize anyway. It's good for you to apologize.

Adultery is so very damaging ... I hate it <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

Brook,

You are very, very brave!

You have taken the high road and done the right thing.

It is so very easy for us to tell one what they should do but that person is the one digging way down deep for the strength to stand there alone and confess, and that is very hard to do.

I commend you on your courage, your strength, and your commitment to the right path. Hunker down and wait out the storm. I hope and pray that you will feel stronger, and things will start to get better as they sort themselves out.

You must be feeling at least a little relief, we hope.

Stay strong and take care of yourself.

kirk

Brooke,

I can't imagine how difficult it must have been to confess. It took a great deal of courage to do so. My FWH never had the opportunity to confess because I discovered his already over affair on my own.

I know that he would have eventually confessed and that he would have gone thru the same torment that you did working up his nerve.

Even after all this time, I still wish that he would have ended the affair and confessed as soon as he realized what a terrible mistake he had made. Instead, he let OW hold him hostage with threats to expose the affair to me for a full 3 more months.

Don't give up on your marriage just yet. We BS find ourselves much more willing to forgive and move on to recover our marriages than we would have ever imagined, especially when our FWS shows true remorse and desire to recover.

Hang in there.

Who

Just an update. He FINALLY came home. He was very calm but if looks could kill I would be dead right now. He asked some questions like how long did it go on and if I did it out of revenge. He asked if I had slept with any other friends of his. He said that he could have forgiven my affair if it had been with a stranger or aquaintence of his. He really tore into me how he had tried to make this marriage work all by himself since his second d-day and I have contributed nothing except to make things 1000x worse.

I told him that I was willing to try now. He said "too little too late". He said after I exposed his affair that me and a lot of other people treated him like he was garbage. He got very smug and said that was about to change.

He then asked me if xOM was going to represent me in our divorce. I knew that one was coming. He was really trying to get his digs in. xOM does not even specialize in family law and neither does H. I told him he found out 2 days ago and asked him not to make any sudden decisions. He told me I was insane if I though this could work. He menioned that our marriage was fast approaching the 10 year mark and that would entitle me to a bigger settlement if he did not file now.

I told him I would sign a postnuptial agreement. He smugly said he would write one up tonight and I could have xOM look it over to make sure I was not getting screwed and then he could screw me. He said he was going to go play golf and he would be back whenever and not to bother him with my pathetic text messages. He also said he has a bet with himself that I will be back in xOM's bed by the end of the month. He slammed the door and left.

I am going to call this conversation productive. I might have been able to stall a potential divorce by offering to sign a postnuptial agreement. He also did not throw me out and he said he would be back when he was done golfing. There was so much sarcasm coming from him I cannot be sure.

used to mask his pain and his shame

Hi Brooke,

ok, so that could of gone better BUT it could of gone worse!! I hope you answered all his questions without commenting on his tone of voice. what you are judging to be "smug" is just a mask as pepperband said.

He is hurt Brooke. He is very very hurt. Just keep telling yourself that over and over. Do not let his words cut you too deep, forgive him, every hurtful word he says right now.

remember your goal right now is to make ammends. That is what your actions need to show.

that said, i'm so sorry for your pain. it will get better. one way or another. you have still done the right thing.

give him time and patience.

let your pain out here, we will listen, we care.

{{{hugs to you.}}}

Brooke,

It took a great deal of courage to confess your mistakes to your BH. He is understandably livid with you at this point. He is in shock and totally devastated inside. You may still have a chance to recover your M, but you have painted yourself into a corner that you cannot get out of easily. You are going to have a lot of work to do to save your M. Your only concern right now should be that you be sympathetic to your BH as you possibly can be. I know that he had an A too, but to have a revenge A with the man's childhood best friend was very cruel. What you do from this point foward will determine whether or not your M can be saved. There are plenty of wonderful people here who will help you all they can to repair the damage your actions have caused. This doesn't have to be the defining moment in your life.

You are not defined in life by the mistakes you make. It's what you do after you realize you made a mistake that defines you. You have a chance to do just that. The choice will be yours. Just as the CHOICE was yours to have an A with your BH's best friend. Prayers to your BH and you.

Want2Stay

Brooke. I am happy that you told your H the truth. It will mean a lot for your personal recovery.
That being said, I sincerely doubt that your M stands much of a survival chance. Your choice of affair partner most likely has driven the final nail into that coffin. I would say the chance of any man dealing with that type of betrayal and wanting to recover his marriage is slim. Couple that with your H's affair and most likely things are done.
If you guys do not have children, I would suggest that you both cut your losses and start anew. Obviously only you can decide what is best...but some marriages cannot and should not be saved.

Brooke,

anything is possible!!! you hold on to that thought right now. you having hope will help your husband no matter what the outcome, i am sure of this.

personally, i think that you making the decision to cut your losses and start over at this point in time would be very hurtful to your BH. if he wants to make that decision so be it, but right now, you need to stand by him!

hang in there Brooke.

Hi Brooke---

It's great marriagebuilding advice here---you have to tell your husband, but then you might as well divorce because your marriage shouldn't be saved. Amateur hour...

I'm all for truth---but as JL mentioned, it should have been done in a much more controlled environment. I'd call the Harley's (888-639-1639) and get some counseling. Offer your husband the opportunity to work with you. Without a real plan in place, you're gonna be in deep trouble. You're obviously not romantically in love with your husband, and he's probably in the same state as you. You two need to work with a professional who is interested in putting your marriage first.

Good luck.

FLTH is right...anything is possible. It isn't probable or likely...but only you two can make the decision to continue or not. Again, if you don't have kids, it is probably best to start anew...but your opinions are what will count.

It's called reality K. Even the doctor might suggest that absent children they go their separate ways after three affairs. The reality of the situation is that honesty was important so that the BS can make his educated decisions. Reality is, most men...I know not you...would never tolerate an affair with their best friend.

K - thanks for saying that.

you pegged it:

Brooke is told... you must confess

and now that she has... cut your losses, it's hopeless.

i did report the post, not sure if any action will be taken or not.

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

you may not have liked what I said...but I certainly did not violate the terms of service by offering an opinion.

There seems to be a need for you to control what is said on this site.....you got shut down for it twice recently. I suggest you offer your view and let others do the same. In the end, it comes down to the poster and her BH as to what they want to do. I gave a perspective and it is more likely to come to that than not.

I don't think there's a site requirement for posting only good advice, Finally.

MEDC---the reality is that Brooke apparently was pushed into doing something that would normally have been done with much more care if she had been in coaching with the Harley's. This is a Marriage Building site---it's not to be used to promote divorce.

Thanks for your opinion K. Since the good doctor also advises divorce in some cases, I am really not at all concerned with your perspective.