I am not a marriage at all costs type of person K. I know we differ on that...but I will never subscribe to your line of thinking.

Nor should you be. But I am posting to Brooke, and I think it's important that she be given reasonable Marriage Building advice, as opposed to some what you were giving her. Harley will recommend divorce AFTER efforts have been exhaustively pursued, not as a first pass reaction.

************edit***********

Brooke
many prayers my sister...what i would hope you do is
relax..take good care of you..rest and MAKE NO judgements about your marriage or your life...let the storm settle down..
focus on YOUR happiness and your Husband's happiness
get YOUR life in order..this will take professional counseling and TIME...
Life is about making CHOICES and LIVING with our choices
you can do it..but GO SLOW my sister
and god speed
jb

FLTH,

MEDC has a right to his opinions, just as anyone on this forum does. He didn't suggest that her situation was hopeless. He is spot on with his assement. There is a level of betrayal here that no matter what Brooke does from this point on it may not make a difference. That was by her CHOICE in having an A with her BH's best friend.

Brooke,

This is going to take an extreme amount of humbleness on your part. You made a very bad mistake and there are no guarantees that the advice you will be given here will be able to repair the damage. I encourage you to do everything you can to be there for your BH. There is always still hope in even the most dire situations.

Want2Stay

Brooke,

""I am going to call this conversation productive.""

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" /> AWESOME!! Love your positive attitude.

Hopefully he shoots a good score at the golf course..

Somewhere down the line he will realize that you did the courageous and honorable thing by telling him.

He is really going into the petulant little boy mode right now, which, again no one can blame him for. Let him rant and rave and yell and scream. Hang your head and agree.

A No Contact letter to the OM couldn't hurt if that is what you decide.

Hang in there. Plan A like there is no tomorrow!!

kirk

brooke
the above said.. i hope you recognize the hurt you have given to the famlies involved..you need to look at your motivations for choosing H best friend.. and you need to realize how wraped the om is to have done this to a close friend
and i hope your husband realizes the character of his
"best" friend..who stabbed H in the back.
and I hope you realize the deep hurt you have caused your husband..
i hope both you and you husband discover what is best for both of you....and DO that..
pick a therapist who starts with the premise of discovering and DOING what is BEST
NOT "how do we save this marriage" or "just throw the bum out"
IF you want to save the marrige
just tell your H
and then leave him alone
right now BOTH of you are wounded and in self protect mode
be sensitive to his needs right now
right now he needs RESPECT.. and understandiung
.. soon BOTH of you will need it also

and i hope you have learned how deeply men can be hurt
jb

My perspective on MEDC's perspective: It is his own...I believe that he is saying that HE would not choose to recover under the same circumstances as Brooke and her husband...And that is more than okay, imo...

MEDC has said the same about Mr. W and I...That he personally would not have chosen to recover with me-I don't fault him for that at all...Many other people may have felt the same way...What was important to ME, was Mr. W's take on our situation...His was the only opinion that really mattered after all...

It is my belief that each couple is different...Couples usually come here via the same tragedy: infidelity...BUT, each comes with their own set of circumstances, as well as their own various worldviews...There really is uniqueness to each situation...No one knows if anyone that comes here can or will recover their marriage...We all have opinions, and the right to those obviously...

I very much agree that no major decisions should be made by Brooke at this time...Just gotta wait and see...

Brooke, I applaud you for doing the right thing...

Mrs. W

You would be right Mrs. W. I can also say that while I would NOT have chosen to recover based on some things that happened with you and Mr. W...it would have been my loss as you are obviously one terrific wife.

I just don't believe from what i know about men that most spouses would choose to recover from an affair with a best friend. As i said, couple that with two other affairs and no children (if I am right about that) and I think a fresh start might be in order. But as i said....that is really up to the couple here.

Terms of Service... i had the opportunity to look it up just this morning....

the key sentence is this: "you will not use this BB to post any material which is knowingly false and/or defamatory, inaccurate, abusive, vulgar, hateful, harassing, obscene, profane, threatening, invasive of a person's privacy, or otherwise violative of any law."

it's left to be a subjective thing, however, i feel the comments fall into the category of abusive and possibley almost even hateful. and so i reported it. my right.

lol

FWIW, I happen to agree with MEDC's perspective on this one ... the recovery odds will be very long.

Brooke,

Considering the position you put yourself in, you've done about as well as could be expected ... in effect, by confessing to your BH, rather than going directly to Plan D, you have made your choice to attempt R. Now the ball is squarely in your BH's court ... no one would blame him if he went straight to Plan FU, but based on your confession, you are seeking a glimmer of hope.

The only advice that I can offer is should your BH want to even "think" about R, you should be prepared with a grand gesture to show how serious you are about trying to save your M. I think while he is golfing, I would look up sample NC letters here and have the best one you can put together and ready to present to him for his approval should he decide to "try".

He is already betting against you being able to stay away from the OM ... make a written pledge to him in the form of a GREAT NC letter that you intend to do just that.

I believe it will help him deal with this if he sees some positive ACTION coming from you.

Brooke...you rock! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

You have done something so few WS's would dream of doing...you took responsibility for your actions and took the high road.

No matter what happens, you now see you have the courage to do the difficult, the hard, the unpleasant, and have the fortitude to bear the burden of your own actions...

(((((((Brooke)))))))))

Yes this will be hard...but PLEASE don't start making plans for your future divorce just yet, pessimistic projections from some senior posters aside.

The "reality" of your M depends on you and your H, and is something only you know.

What you're doing takes patience...and it's only been a few short hours/days since DDay...your BS's DDay.

Many ugly things will be said...feelings are high...acting on feelings alone is a slippery slope.

I wholeheartedly agree that you get a session soonest w/ the Harleys...they are the de facto experts on MB principles and they will NOT steer you wrong.

I wish you the best of luck and continued stength!!!

L2F

Hey Brooke,

As mentioned, I, too, HIGHLY suggest you call the Harley's for counseling. Please realize that THEY are experts in recovering from infidelity; the average counselor is NOT.

One thing that really impacted me was my FWH's desire to counsel with "the best". If you consider the cost too expensive, I would ask if you would say the same about hiring a divorce lawyer.

I hope you'll call the Harley's.

Brooke,

Call the Harley's. They are outstanding and you will not be able to recover the marriage without help.

mkeverydaycnt

I am trying to remain hopeful and be realistic at the same time. Every single person that knows me off this board has told me to cut my losses, file for divorce and move on. Every single one. No one sees any hope. I am still going to try. I am going to see a professional. A coworker/friend gave me the card of her marriage counselor way back when I was dealing with my H's affair. I remember at the time she told me she was very good. Maybe I am too late but I will try anyway.

jerseyboy,

Why did I pick my H's best friend? I am not trying to make excuses. I am only giving some history. In May 2007 I lost MY best friend in a car accident which is also xOM's sister. This devastated everyone. There are many people I could have gone too for comfort including my H but I chose xOM. We consoled each other and grieved. He was the only person that could make me feel better. I would call him or vice versa every day. Our feelings changed for each other and by October we were involved in a full blown affair.

We knew what we were doing was wrong. By February we both realized neither of us could go on betraying H like we were so we ended it for good.

Brooke...if you are going to try...call the Harley's. This is their speciality.

It's interesting how those on the "outside" of MB can be so full of advice...hurtful, self-serving and ignorant advice.

Not one of your well-meaning friends will have to walk in your shoes after this thing comes crashing down due to lack of love or care.

Optimisim and commitment are not currently "in vogue" in our society, and "getting the other guy before he gets you" is the order of the day.



Good for you!

In the end, you're the only one who has to live with the consequences of your choices...if it's right, you'll know.

L2F

Brooke,

I want to tell you something that may surprise you. It will certainly not be any comfort but I am hoping that ultimately the "good" that you are NOW doing will come back your way.

After I confronted my H about his affair, I berated him for days. If I could have left HIM and gone somewhere I would have. I said the same KINDS of things your H has said. I told him that he was such a liar that I knew he had f***** the OW more times than he could remember and that I was sure he would be back with her as soon as he could be. I went on and on and on. I'm not really sorry I did that either.

But.....I realize now that he was and IS remorseful. Just like I believe from what you write that your A is actually over, I know that his A is over and that he has been truthful with me about NC. YOUR words have helped me see that.

We have had some problems in recovery and I am still very concerned about the direction we are going, but I believe now that he has told me the truth and I NEVER THOUGHT I WOULD!!!!! Please believe me when I say that I consider this to be nothing short of a miracle in my heart. I can not explain it.

Thank you from the bottom of my heart for your transparency with US and for sharing this MOST agonizing time. You have given me a look into my FWH's heart and it has made a difference.

There is a terrible price to pay for adultery and the two of you are paying big time. Don't run from from the consequences. Call the Harleys.

God CAN fix anything. Miracles DO happen.

Again, thank you
WH2LE

Brooke
I haven't posted to you before. But I wanted to send my support. You did a very brave thing by confessing. And by doing so you gave your M a chance.


Now hang back...and wait.

Your BH is reeling with pain. You've been there, you know.

Show your remorse. Show your desire to recover. Expect his anger. Stay calm.

Brooke,

When I found out, my first words to my husband were:

I HATE YOU.

I told him that over and over. That I hated him. I berated him.

I hit him on the leg (then he looked at me, and laughed, because I can't really hit because my arm is messed up, and he just laughed and I also laughed...it was stupid, but there it was). But IF my arm was not messed up, I might have hurt him.

And I stormed around. Slammed doors. Cried in anguish. Screamed at the night.

Tried to push myself under the bed to hide from the pain. Tried to hide in the dark, in the closet, to be away from everything, everyone.

Cried in pain.

Fell to the floor in desperation and devastation, my life seemingly over.

I hated him. I told him that he "killed me". I asked him why he didn't just take a knife and stab me. I begged him to just do that, it was the equivalent of what he had done anyway, and that I wished for death over the torture of knowing what he had done to me, to us.

I
hated
him.

And yet, I begged him to please love me.

This is complicated, this thing, love.


So, while your husband is storming around, claiming it is over........

why then

is he out fighting for you?


Because he is on the rollercoaster.

Wait for the ride to slow down, Brooke. You remember this ride, don't you?

Give him some time. You need to be the stable one, for a little while.

You can only control one person in this relationship, and if you do a good job of that right now, your chances are better for recovery.

Do the work of recovery.

Call the Harleys. Tell him you have done that. They have the expertise you need, because I don't think there really are many other counselors out there who would know what to do for your particular difficult situation.

Write the no-contact letter. Be sure that it is very clear that you NEVER want to contact the OM again. Make this the strongest letter you have ever written, because your marriage depends on it.

And be steadfast in accepting the blame for your affair. There will be time to begin working on the marital problems soon enough. Your H needs to get over the initial shock for now. Give him the time for that, and get in contact with the Harleys. Emphasize to your H that you have been learning about effective ways to save the marriage and relationship, and that you DO believe in HIM, in the marriage, and in love.

And hang in there. You did the right thing, whether or not this marriage makes it.

SB