have you seen examples of a no contact letter.

I could not find an example but here is what a NC letter is as described by an article on this site:

(http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5060_qa.html)


Can anyone else post an example letter?

Ok Brooke,

Let's look at what he told you. I have no idea if this marriage will make it, but I do see some things in his comments that you need to think about. Some of them seem pretty positive with regards to being able to address them.


Ok, let's start with the last statement. Based on what you have told us this is a true statement and you need to admit it. Further, it made you vulnerable to have an affair. There is an old saying
You had resentment, you took the poison and now your marriage is in real trouble if it wasn't already.

But notice the first part of what he asked you and then said. Was it for revenge? Based on what you have said it was not and it was triggered by the loss of your friend exOM's sister. He needs to hear this from you. He needs to understand that this is a reason NOT an excuse. He said he could have accepted it if it was someone else, but the reality is betrayal is betrayal. You betrayed your H and your marriage no matter who you had the affair with. His best friend betray his friend, your H, by his choice to be the one to have the affair with you.

What you see in this first quote from him is his resentment for doing something very hard, trying to recover the marriage and make amends for his failures and having you do nothing to help him. I don't know if you did nothing, however you have stated you did little. Now it is the other way around. Do you have a plan to not have repeated what has already happened? If not you need to talk to the Harleys.


You see the trouble with revenge is that it has a habit of coming around and getting us. That is why Harley developed the plans that he did. Notice revenge, speaking harshly, treating the WS badly are NOT part of his plan? You are going to need help to over come his resentment at you not trying and then having the affair.

That is a bet he is going to lose isn't it Brooke? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> ASk him if you can have part of the action and you want the no bed side of it big time.

Oh, he will be back Brooke and you will hear more sarcasm and you will hear it for a long time. However, I believe it was Pep that said he is covering his pain.

I would strongly recommend that you acknowledge his pain. Not just of the betrayal, but the pain he faced when you and others treated him like garbage, yet he kept trying to rebuild. The pain of you not seeming to care and yet he kept trying.

If you can bring yourself to acknowledge what he HAS done that was good, it may not be "too little too late". But, it will take a long time.

Don't promise him anything right now, not postnup, not leaving, not staying. Promise him that you will seek the best advice you can find (again I suggest the Harleys) to try and heal the wounds in this marriage.

You will hear more, you will hear worse, but give this time and patience. You going to be amazed at what you learn and how it strengths you for your future. Don't try to get OVER this, make sure you get THROUGH it.

This marriage may well end but if it does make sure YOU get the full measure of knowledge you can. Make sure you can truthfully say you did your best and after giving it time and patience, whatever decision you make you will know it was the best you can do.

Your H may not give you that chance, but once he cools down and once he can start to hear what you have to say, I suspect you might get the chance.

This is tough stuff Brooke, but he will come to understand that your honesty with regard to telling him was a gift to him. He needs time.

Hang in there.

God Bless,

JL

I'm thinking, from a BS point of view, that her offer of a post-nup was brilliant and reasonable. I think it would make her husband feel safe. It can be along the lines of....if she ever cheats again, she loses everything or maybe 70/30, or something like that.

I also think if she wants this marriage, she needs to be 100% committed and tell him so. He needs to feel safe that you will stick through the hard work of recovery.

H told me that he wants to talk to me an OM together. I told him that was a very bad idea. I asked what if they fought again. He said that would not happen and he will never fight over me again. I told him I could not do that. He told me I can and I will do it.

No good can come from this. I finally stopped having that throw up feeling and now it has come back. He texted xOM and said he wanted us to meet and he replied that he would come. What the ****** is OM thinking?? H told me if I did not show up it would prove to him I had something to hide. He then told me to cheer up because I would be seeing my lover tomorrow. I knew he would have lots of questions but I did not think he would want to question or maybe cuss us out together??? I am not even sure what H has in mind.

Brooke,

For marriages, there's a rule called the Policy of Joint Agreement---never do anything without an enthusiastic agreement between you and your spouse. If you were following that, you wouldn't have had this affair. Your husband wouldn't have had his.

I'd suggest printing this out, and tell your husband that you are far from enthusiastic about his current plans. That you'll consider negotiating this---but in a way that at least makes you feel safe. I'd want to know what his plan is before hand, and I would want this to happen in a safe environment---in front of a counselor, or in front of your families (even). Until you two can come to terms, I wouldn't do this---it's bad for your marriage, and potentially bad for your safety.

As others have already said, I think the three of you meeting together like that, particularly with your H in the state of mind that he currently is, is a very bad idea. I would suggest not doing it. Perhaps you could offer to do a 3-way call instead, but even that I might try to avoid at this point.

Brooke28

I would tell BH your sorry for what you did and the pain he is in. Tell him that you will always be there to answer any questions he may have as many times as he needs to hear your answers. He can do what he needs to verify the truth.
You have started NC with the OM and refuse to break it for any reason.

If BS tries to force it refuse. They show up at the house, go inside. They enter the house get in your car an leave for your parents then come back after the OM is gone. Keep telling your BH that you will not break NC ever.
If BH tries to block the door to prevent you from leaving call 911. You must start and stick to NC. In the long run your commitment to NC will help your BH.

Do not participate in this three way confrontation.
Tell the BS that the OM has no motivation to tell the truth.
His only motivation will be ale to say what ever he can to hurt BS as much as he can. That the OM will only use this as an opportunity to cause further hurt shows that the OM was never a friend. You are remorseful the OM just wants to be able to rub it some more into your BH's face. A friend would not rub in his face the fact that he bedded his friends wife every chance he can get.

Brooke, I don't think you have much of a position to negotiate here. I would however offer to your H some alternatives to this potentially explosive situation.
Tell him that you are willing to submit to a polygraph which will assure him that you are not hiding anything. This will allow you to remain in NC and he will get the answers that he needs.

I would also suggest that you NOT do a post nup right now. If your H had not had affairs, I would suggest doing this immediately. But he has and frankly he is not entitled to the type of protection that a BS would normally get from a post nup. Neither one of you are innocents here.

I understand your H wanting to have the face to face. I also understand the OM agreeing to it. No matter what happened...they were friends and your H wants answers that he feels he will only get face to face. Someone here suggested the Policy of Joint Agreement...that is laughable at this stage since your H has not agreed to that concept. Find an alternative that will satisfy your H's need for information. If he insists on this meeting taking place, I would do so under one condition...the meeting would need to take place in a controlled environment: a therapists office is a good choice. If it can be avoided all together, that would be best.

Brooke,

I said terrible things to my FWH on d-day and continued to for sometime afterward when I couldn't get a grip on my pain.

Don't put too much into it at this point. For each and every one of we BS, I think that is one particular element of our WS's affair that really sticks in our craw. For your BH, it is that both you and his BF betrayed him.

For me it was that even more than a month after my FWH started trying to end the A, he still allowed the OW to set up a romantic weekend at a B&B that included our anniversary.

Even now, I hate seeing the name of the town nearby where they went.

Who

I hope you won't allow that to discourage you.

Many people don't understand how to heal or recover from infidelity.

What you have done (telling your husband), was the first step towards personal and/or marital healing.

This is the KEY point right here. NOTHING good can come from a meeting with the three of you - especially with your H still so angry.

Whoever suggested that you tell your H that you will NOT, under any circumstances, break No Contact with the OM, had the right idea. There are other ways for your H to make sure you are telling the truth.

It's actually a little painful for me to read your thread....my exH and I went through a very similar situation. In fact, it's all posted on here. JL will know what I'm talking about <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/teary.gif" alt="" /> I can only imagine the humiliating, disgusting, and warped things my exH would have made me do if me, xOM, and exH were to meet together. He was so angry....and I don't blame him at all.

There are two types of recovery from affairs - recovery of the marriage, and recovery of the individuals. Recovery of the marriage requires two willing participants. Recovery of the individual is something that only that person can do. You guys will need time and counseling to see if you can (and want to) recover your M. But you can start working on your own recovery right now. More than anything else, it involves LEARNING - about who you are, why you made the choice to have the A, what your role in the degradation of your M was, and where you will go from here.

If you do that, then no matter what happens to your M, you will be OK.

That being said, I want to speak from the perspective of a FWS who found out that during 'recovery' my exH was having an A of his own. He did not confess, but I found out through his email.

Most of my anger stemmed from the perspective that my exH had taken the 'high and mighty' road after my A. I was called all kinds of names (wh*re, a sl*t who would spread her legs for anyone, c*#% who would f*%# anyone, just to name a few). I had objects thrown at me, was kicked out of the bed.....

And you know what? I deserved every bit of the anger he felt toward me. Perhaps not in the way he expressed it, but that was all he knew back then.

So when I discovered that while he was STILL saying those things to me, had stopped working on the M, had accused me of ruining his life and our M....that HE was having his own A???? I was REALLY angry. I understood how it could happen. But at that time, he was the hypocrite of the YEAR!

How dare he say those things to me, and yet be doing the same thing himself? How dare he make everything my fault, and be committing the same crime I did??? How DARE he berate me to our friends, and then save his own image when he was doing the SAME THING?!?!?!

I was angry, hurt, betrayed, and did I say angry???? Every emotion that he had felt toward me.

The difference in our stories starts where you confessed your A, and my H refused to acknowledge his. At least until 4 months later when it ended, we had already begun divorce proceedings, and for the first time, we started to 'talk' about what went wrong in our M.

Our M didn't make it. But, eventually, we helped each other in our recovery. We spoke honestly, openly, and we each felt great remorse for our A's and also the failure of our M. Once the anger had subsided, we were able to meet once a week, and really 'hear' each other for the first time in our lives.

Our M wasn't meant to make it. I understand and accept that now. I wanted it to....but we don't always get what we want, do we <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />.

But there is a 'happily ever after' to the story...at least for me. I finally like myself. I never did before my A...and it was dang hard after my A. But I know now that having my A was a horrible, terrible, destructive thing. But it doesn't make me a horrible person. It makes me human. And the same thing goes for my exH.

We still love each other, and we always will. We still meet occasionally, and catch up (although those times are getting fewer and farther between). But FINALLY, we respect each other again.

It's been nearly 5 years since my A (wow....). At the start, it was a LONG and HARD road. But now we both see my A as a blessing in disguise - and his, too. Because they made us look at who we really were - and realize that we didn't like who we had become.

And then we had the opportunity of a lifetime....we had the blessing to LEARN.

Hang tight. Be honest. Don't do things out of guilt, if you know they will be unproductive (like this meeting with xOM and your H). Focus on yourself. Get the book "After the Affair" and read, read, read. Post here often. Whenever you need to. Reach out to everyone here. Now that you've joined the ranks of the BS/WS, you may hear some harsh things. But learn from them. Remember that whenever you feel like running away, THAT's the time that you really need to look into yourself.

Many hugs, Brooke. You did a VERY honorable thing. If nothing else, hold onto that. It took courage, heart, and strength to choose the hard road. But you HAVE given him a gift. It's not much...and it hurts horribly right now. But you gave a little bit of the honesty and respect that you took when you had your own A. THAT's not easy.

Wishing you the best of luck.

Froz,

Great quote!

Good Morning Brooke,

The good news is your BH is struggling. If he had no feelings for you, he would of packed up and never looked back. He said "he could have forgiven my affair if it had been with a stranger or aquaintence of his." to me, this looks like him struggling. Deep down I believe he wants to forgive you. Give him time to find a way.

regarding the meeting. I'm with the others, if it's going to happen it must happen in a controlled environment with another qualified person.

really the best thing you can do is call the Harleys. Have you looked into that? Even without your BH on board. You can start to work with them on your own. There is a link at the top of the page, "Counseling Center". All the counseling is done on the phone. Please consider getting help. I know you mentioned someone gave you a name, obviously we can give you no opinion on that specific person but many of us know the horrors of working with someone not really qualified to handle this. The Harley's are very qualified.

My vote is for no meeting between the three of you. It makes no sense and don't you think seeing you and OM sitting there in front of him will make things 10x worse in his mind (and imagination)? I think it's just too volatile of a situation and the potential for disaster is too great.

hey brooke, I just saw this posted on a different thread.

example NC letter, wrong genders but you get the idea:

Dr. Harley's letter from Surviving an Affair: [from SAA, pg 58]

OW, I want you to know that out of respect and love for my wife and children, I have come to realize that I must never see or talk to you again. My relationship with you was a cruel indulgence that BS did not deserve. While I cannot completely repay BS for the pain I caused her, I will do my best to become the husband she has been missing. I care a great deal for my family and I would not want to do anything to risk their happiness. I will not make any further contact with you and I do not want you to make any contact with me. Please respect my desire to end our relationship.

Sincerely, XXXXX

Brooke.
get professonal advice asap...
this process is moving way to fast..
NO MEETUP at this time..get advice on how to handle this No CONTACT thing..but dont have the meeting just yet.. your H us way to angry and out of control..
get some spousal support from the state or the cops or someone who can protect you and help you..
slow this thing down..
your H is out of control emotionally...
and there is a lot going on inside him.. get a professional to explain it all to you.. DONT GO IT ALONE..
and ref your marriage..once again.. dont make any long term decisions..yet
take time
JB

What do you propose the cops or state do?

There is NO reason for either to intervene at this point.

We would laugh about people that call us for such things. I saw a mouse, my husband yelled at me, the cables out. The police are there to enforce the law...not to mediate marital troubles or offer spousal support. Frankly, it isn't their job.

Don't give up hope. In my book, your affair fell under "revenge" affair. A bad move, but your DH will know that in his heart.

Best friend? He is more likely to hate him forever than you. Again, a bad move.

But telling DH? I do think it was the right thing to do. He may suspect you told him just to hurt him, but I don't think your approach was like that, and eventually he will realize you didn't do it for this purpose.

If he stays with you now and loves you now, it will be based on the truth with eyes wide open.

Don't meet with them. As, you stated nothing good can come out of it.

Continue to take the high road and stay out of bad situations as only bad can come from them.

You did the right thing by telling him. Keep doing more of the right thing.

opps.MEDC
buy state i meant social services.. i want brooke to feel supported NOW.. and not to wait for a therapist appointment..
her husband is pressing her to fast.. everyone needs to cool down and slow down..H..om.. family..mom in law
jb