About the whole MC thing. I have already made an appointment. I am sure the Harley's are the best but I will be honest telephone counseling I am not comfortable with. She comes highly recommended from a friend (her H had an affair) and she is very pro marriage and being open about everything. Best of all where my H is concerned *if* he decides to join me she will leave God and the Bible out of it according to my friend. That is VERY important where H is concerned. It's gotten to the point I pity whatever religious organization knocks on our door.

I told H I would not meet with him and xOM. He told me I was a coward. I said if it was in a controlled environment I would do it at a later time when he is more calm. He told me he could not make me do it but I owed it to him. He was like fine don't but you will face my family the same way you made me face yours. I told him I would do that. He then said I owed them an apoloogy for F**cking his best friend. He said he wanted my brother there. He has some things he would like to say to him.

So I called my brother and he said he would come but he did not see the point. He said he did not give a ****** what they thought of him but he would not stand my and let me get railroaded. I told him I was a big girl and could take care of myself. So anyway H's family is coming to dinner tonight. I am dreading it but at the same time I want to get it over and done with.

So I am thinking that they want to put my brother and I on trial tonight??

Yes Brooke, very humbly apologize to them...Give no excuses, just a sincere apology for hurting their son and them...

Your brother should offer the same...your husband feels betrayed by him too...

Mrs. W

Did you make your H face your family as soon as you found out about your H's A? Were they terribly hard on him? Did you make H see you with his ow so you could confront them both at the same time?

Golly, seems like things are going awfully fast and not enough time for anyone to step back and think before they react. I would think things need to cool off a bit. Hope you can get thru tonight okay.

I know you have really hurt H, but it seems to me he might be more understanding now that he's feeling like you were when he had an A. I am not excusing your having an A, and we don't really know your history of what happened during your H's A.

Well, you have a lot of courage to have admitted everything, and I wish you the best.

Love in Christ,
Miss M

Brooke, humility will go a very long way with your in-laws. They were also hurt by the affair, and want to see that you are sorry and won't hurt their son anymore. My H is great friends with my family today because he apologized and assured them he would not hurt me again. That is all they want.

Your brother may not realize it, but he became an accessory to the crime when he encouraged you to keep this a secret. He seems to have alot of anger at your H, and I can understand that, but your H did not deserve this betrayal. His affair does not justify yours. Nothing does. Your brothers attitude is not helpful, IMO.

Brooke, I know this is tough, but it would be much harder if you didn't face it head on like you are doing. You honor yourself and restore your dignity by taking accountability for your actions and standing tall. Its hard today, but by facing the tough stuff now, you resolve it more quickly and restore your honor. Hang in there, Brooke. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

p.s. I also think you were wise to avoid your H's suggestion to meet with he and the OM. No good could have come of that.

Brooke, I just wanted to offer you LUCK on the dinner tonight. While it may be one of the hardest things you ever go through, I truly believe you will walk away from it a stronger person. Every time you humble yourself and own your mistakes without blaming others, you are taking back some of your integrity as a person. You will also begin (a little at a time) to restore the respect and love your H once had for you.

Whether it is enough to recover the M is actually irrelevant right now now, second to simply DOING THE RIGHT THING. If you ran away now and never looked back, you would be escaping NOTHING. I hope your H can find the strength to give your M another try, but if he doesn't, everything you deal with now in this process will make you a better person moving forward.

((((Brook))))

Ditto.


Brooke,

Your actions are proving your true remorse. Your actions matter so much, along with your attitude.

Stay humble tonight, even if you feel attacked. Stay calm, and humble.

brooke,

I absolutely agree with all of the above.

Humble is very good.

Great posts Melodylane!!! You are so right on it is uncanny!!!

Good luck tonight Brooke.

Love in Christ,
Miss M

Hi Brooke,

yup, i vote for calm and humble too. your in-laws do deserve an apology.

this concerns me regarding your brother: "he would not stand by and let me get railroaded". I know your brother must love you very much and he does not want to see his sister hurt, HOWVER, Please ask him to stand by you in humility too!!! It will not help you if he tries to defend you. Please ask him, for your sake, to just quietly accept whatever is said tonight. Explain to him that is the best way for him to show you his love tonight. This is a time for making ammends, not confrontation.

I will be praying for you throughout the evening.

Brooke,

I would advise this approach:

Ask them to sit before you begin dinner.

Tell them YOU have something to say.

Then give them a speech along these lines, so you can apologize, tell them what you are learning, that you feel you want to recover the marriage, and that you want THEIR FORGIVENESS AND SUPPORT because you NEED THEIR HELP. People support what they are a part of - so recruit them to help you. And, take the blame yourself, so they are not in any position to do it for you.


"I want to tell you that I offer my deepest apologies for what I have done. Nothing I can say is good enough, I know, for what I did to hurt you and my husband. I was stupid and selfish, and not thinking about anything but myself. I've dishonored my marriage, and done something that I know will take years of work to repair.

I hope that somehow you will someday find it in your hearts to find a way to forgive me. To even ask that today, I know is probably too much to ask, but if you would consider that someday, I would ask you to do that much.

I have done a lot of soul-searching over the last few weeks, and one thing I think I have done right so far is to confess the affair. I think that whether or not my husband and I are able to repair and recover our marriage, the fact that the truth is out is important, and it was right that I no longer hid the truth from him and everyone. It was hard, but to continue to lie was very wrong - I had to begin a path of healing our marriage, and we could not do that based on lies.

So I stand here before you asking forgiveness, patience, and support. I know that is a lot to ask. I have learned many things so far in this ordeal, and have many more to learn. One thing I have learned is that if our marriage is to survive, we will need support from our families. I also learned that we need to be honest about what has happened, so we can build our marriage on the truth.

I plan to be honest with him about what happened, and I plan to go to marital counseling. I plan to work on the problems in the marriage that have led both of us to be unfaithful, because another thing I have learned is that we need to work on the foundation of our marriage, if we are going to have a chance to save it.

I want to save it, because I believe we both do love one another - even though I haven't behaved that way.

Please consider forgiving me. Please consider supporting our marriage, and helping us on the road to healing."



Then, let them talk.

If they bring up your brother, you can say something along the lines of "I unfortunately brought my brother in on something I never should have done. He feels the need to defend his sister - I hope to help him understand that in this case, I WAS WRONG."

SB, great post... i would change one thing... i would not go anywhere near recalling the fact that her DH was unfaithful too. not today anyway.

which just means scratching the phrase "that have led both of us to be unfaithful" and just leave it at "working on the problems in the marriage"

of course, Brooke may not end up seeing any of this until after the dinner.

Brooke, i hope you are doing ok!!

Brooke, Like many others here, I am thinking of you and praying for you on this tough road.

You have grabbed the admiration of many.

You have great courage.

You can stay the course.

Still praying for you Brooke. I hope your evening went ok and you are able to get some good rest tonight.

You guys it was a disaster. It has taken me this long to get my composure. I no longer have any hope on salvaging the marriage. H invited xOM to come to the house after his family left. He looked at me like he was proud or something of being able to pull a fast one like that. I asked xOM what in the ****** was he thinking coming and he said that H really pushed hard for him to come and he said given the circumstances it was the least he could do.

He grilled the both of us. I could not keep it together and all I could do was cry. He wanted to know everything. When, where, and how often we were together. H was getting angrier by the minute and I finally said enough. He then said he had one last question and he wanted to know if xOM and I were in love. He said he has thought long and hard about that one and the only conclusion he can come too is that xOM had to be in love with me to betray him like that. I told xOM he needed to leave so H and I could talk. xOM got up to leave and H yelled at him to answer him and he said that yes he did love me but we had no future together. He left. I told H I was still very confused about my feelings for xOM and that we just ended the affair 16 days ago. I would need time to get over him and that inviting xOM to the house ruined any progress I might have made. I was so pissed I asked him why, why, why would he invite him to OUR house. He said it was something he had to do and he could not sleep until he confronted the both of us and he has no regrets. In fact bec of it he was able to make a decision about our marriage.


He said it was quite clear that xOM and I are in love and he will not stay married to a woman who is in love with his best friend. He said he was filing for a divorce. I told him it was grief that bonded xOM and I together. He yelled at me to shut up and how dare I bring xOM’s sister into this. He said she would be disgusted with the both of us if she were still alive. I told him if she were still alive we never would have gotten involved. He said maybe not but we did and he cannot trust me where xOM is concerned. He said even if I was not in love with xOM I still am way too attached to him and he will not wait for me to get over xOM. He said only someone with serious self-esteem issues would put themselves through something like that.

He again told me we were over and I would be served with papers by the end of the week. He packed a bag and left. He said he would get the rest of his stuff in a few days when he found a permanent place to live. He said he did not want the house. Right before he left he asked me what it felt like to be alone. He said xOM did not want me anymore and neither did he.

I just feel like leaving town for a few days. I now feel the situation is completely hopeless.

Brooke,
don't do anything yet. Calm down.
The first few days are when everyone is confused! Feelings dominate all actions or inactions.

The first few days do not predict what will happen. Give him time and give yourself time. You have been very brave and have done the right thing. Your H has not seen it like that, but he will, someday, hopefully soon.

Try to take care of yourself. The best I can think of now is Ark's thread on "be still", it's for betrayed spouses but I think it would apply in your case too. I know it's hard, post here, take care of yourself. This isn't over.
Read Pep's thread on violence on d day and you will see that people do and say things that later do not correspond to the outcomes in the long run.

These are very hard moments for everyone.

Brooke

Hang tight. I agree with CC. Your BH is just in a whirlwind. He has a double betrayal to deal with, not just one. His world as he has known it since childhood has crumbled. People aren't who he thought they were.


This is going to take time.

YOU DID THE RIGHT THING!!!!!!

Brooke, i'm so sorry for the way the evening went.

I know it wasn't what you were expecting...but all in all, I would say that based on your H's words, I see a sliver of a chance this could still work out. He has NOT dismissed remaining married because of what has already happened...he is fearful of where your heart is today.

A session with the Harley's might be in order if you can get him to bite. They can explain the dynamics of withdrawal.

I would steer very clear of using his deceased sister as a reason for any of this. What brought you together was a lack of character and integrity. Own that. You can grieve with your pants on...it isn't grief that brought you together. It was two people overstepping what should be very clearly defined boundaries. Until YOU get that, there will be no progress.

The very best piece of advice that I can give you is to give the Harley's a call at 888-639-1639, and tell them you have a urgent issue to discuss with Steve or Jenn, and would like to get into a session as soon as possible. I'd also suggest that you do nothing life-altering at this point.

Steve and Jenn are experts in handling this type of situation. Many of the well-intentioned people on this thread aren't, and you've been given a lot of adivce that isn't going to help you and your husband recover your marriage. It's not that anything is irreparable---but it's going to make the going more difficult.

Give the Harley's a call, and start with a plan. Hopefully your husband will consider joining you. And I'd stay off the boards until you've got things well underway, and understand your path into this.