Well, for what it's worth, I think these discussions can be helpful to the thread owner as well as lurkers.

By NOT having this discussion, Brooke would have been left with the impression that she should feel more guilt because she didn't confess in the presence of a professional. She has enough guilt to sort through without adding more. I'm not about to sit quietly and let her think that she should feel bad about what happened. It was a typical discovery day---just plain UGLY.

If I never comment on what I disagree with and JB (or someone else) never comments on what they disagree with, then the readers just think, well, everyone agrees with all that's being said.

Do you all not realize how dangerous that is?

If we can't express disagreement with something said and explain our viewpoint. Well, I'd have missed out on a lot from my post without people challenging certain thought processes. If you all had taken that stuff outside my thread, I would have thought, well, gee, I guess everyone thinks that's right. No one seems to disagree.

Folks, why do so many find these respectful disagreement harmful??? I don't get that.


JB,
I never felt that you were yelling at me, only disagreeing and explaining your viewpoint. I think that's mature conversation. I hope you didn't feel I was yelling at you, but rather disagreeing and explaining my viewpoint.

SMB, that is why i posted the link here. Brooke will know where additional discussion is occuring.

JL...Where did I say you couldn't state your opinion? I stated mine that I agreed with Mel. I didn't say you couldn't state yours. yet you personally attack against the terms of service and you tell me to grow up.

MEDC,

I'm waiting. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

JL

JL - I don't even understand what your point is here.

Brooke IS getting help here and of course so would her husband.

There is no discrimination here.

Please help me understand your point.

Hi everyone. I want you to know I read all the posts and I will comment on them tomorrow. There is a lot of stuff I need to tell you guys but I am too tired tonight to write it all out. I will tomorrow but it will probably be late. I did want to tell you that H send out a mass email today to I would say about 50 friends, co-workers and family member exposing my affair. My phone has not stopped ringing. I finally had to turn if off and I must have 3 dozen emails.

Honestly I don't know how I will show my face in public. I am really trying to look on the bright side of this email. If he did not give a damn he would not have sent it out. Here is a copy. He cc me and xOM.



After he sent the e-mail he wrote another one to xOM and I that said "What do you think of those apples b!tches"?

I did not respond to the e-mail. I'm in shock really. I never expected him too do that.

60 times in 5 months. Wow. I understand that your H would be irate over that. That means 60 times you came home to him over a 5 month period after having been with the OM. Did you sleep with the OM in your H's home? Did you ever sleep with them both on the same day?

Try and see this from your H's side. Empathy is needed right now. You say you never expected HIM to do that...I would say that seems a bit backwards to me. He is hurt and rightfully so. His betrayal is a double whammy...and while I do not agree with his sending that email out...I can understand the anger that fuels his actions.

I would still suggest a call to the Harley's...and an attorney to protect yourself moving forward.

Hi Brooke,

I'm sorry to see you going through this stuff right now. I want to reiterate to you that your marriage is in a very precarious situation right now---you don't have a lot of love left for your husband (and haven't for some time), and I'm guessing that your husband has been in the same boat as well.

I'm going to again remind you to try to give the Harley's a call---they're the best with dealing with infidelity. They will help you get your head around a plan that would minimize that pain and explosive disaster that you're dealing with now. Some of the advice that you've been given to tell the truth is good (I'm all for complete and utter truth)---but it was given with no regard for supportive care, the state of your marriage, etc. It's like finding out that a patient with poor vitals has lung cancer, and then operating immediately with a chain saw, no anesthesia, no banked blood, no assistants...

With regard to the email, don't respond. He's obviously angry. In general---in these whirlwind situations, do nothing. Do not react. ACT. And your best action would be to give the Harley's a call---and stay off the boards. I'm offline for nearly a week, so I'm sorry that I can't stay and give you a hand.

Don't get too caught up in the debate thread about your situation---just get an appointment set up...

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />


<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" />



So, stay off the boards because he is not here to help you. Wow. Someone is a bit too full of themself.

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/tongue.gif" alt="" />



lol

Hey Brooke, i'm so sorry to hear about this as well. My heart goes out to you. My best advice is to forgive him, he knows not what he does. Hang in there Brooke.

A question for Brooke ONLY:

Why did you change your mind about divorcing your husband?

I ask because you stated on your first post the following:


In light of that it seems that a realistic evaluation must be made as far as determining whether there is anything to rebuild on. It's your choice (as well as your husband's) whether you want to remain married or not but guilt, on your part, is not enough of a reason to rebuild or to continue with the marriage.

Hi Brooke,

I'm sorry that being honest with your BH has been so tough. Expecting it to be doesn't make actually experiencing it any easier IMHO.

He is acting like many of we BS might have. For me, I was so ashamed that my FWH had cheated on me that I didn't tell anyone. But then the A was already over on d-day.

FWIW, I suspect that your BH will eventually come to regret sharing such personal information with so many whether your marriage recovers or you divorce.

In this situation, his exposure was revenge motivated as opposed to affair ending.

Might I ask, how you reacted when you learned of your BH's affair? What I mean is there any similarity in how you reacted compared to his reaction.

Take care of yourself.

Who

Okay real quick post before I go back to work. H called me and said we needed to do our taxes. He mentioned NOTHING at first about the email he sent but I told him we really needed to talk more than just taxes. I have decided to send xOM a NC email. I don't believe he will contact me but I thought he would know better than to show up at my house even with H's insistance. The most important thing I am going to see a marital counselor f2f today. Sorry guys I cannot get past the phone thing.

A NC letter is a great idea Brooke and a very important step that should not be overlooked...It should be approved and sent by your husband...If he isn't up for that, at the very least you should post such letter here for critique and approval before sending...All too often a WSs idea of a NC letter is much too soft...

Mrs. W

Brooke, I agree very much with MrsW. I would use this as an opportunity to start rebuilding from the ashes by getting his approval of the letter and mailing together.

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5060_qa.html

Dr.Harley:

My advice is to write a final letter in a way that the victimized spouse would agree to send it. It should begin with a statement of how selfish it was to cause those they loved so much pain, and while marital reconciliation cannot completely repay the offense, it's the right thing to do. A statement should be made about how much the unfaithful spouse cares about his spouse and family, and for their protection, has decided to completely end the relationship with the lover. He or she has promised never to see or communicate with the lover again in life, and asks the lover to respect that promise. Nothing should be said about how much the lover will be missed. After the letter is written, the victimized spouse should read and approve it before it is sent


[from SAA, pg 58]

OW, I want you to know that out of respect and love for my wife and children, I have come to realize that I must never see or talk to you again. My relationship with you was a cruel indulgence that BS did not deserve. While I cannot completely repay BS for the pain I caused her, I will do my best to become the husband she has been missing. I care a great deal for my family and I would not want to do anything to risk their happiness. I will not make any further contact with you and I do not want you to make any contact with me. Please respect my desire to end our relationship.

Sincerely, XXXXX

Brooke
re the counseling visit.. THANK GOD.
take the email your Husband sent out
and show it to counselor
it really shows a lot of your husbands peronality
all the best
Jerseyboy

Brooke,

I'm glad you're still with us and that you are so strong!
In spite of everything, you still have to feel proud of yourself for doing the right thing. I can't tell you how much I admire your courage to face your mistake and own up to it. My WH has been living with OW for 3 years and still pretends that everything is normal! I can't understand how someone can be such a coward!

In my opinion there is something more to your BS's exposure of your affair. I sense unnecessary cruelty... I agree that you should show it to the counselor.

On the other hand, I also wanted to tell you something Dr. H always does: first he asks the BS whether he wants to remained married or not. He is very respectful of this decision. Only after the BS says he/she wants to remained married does Dr. H explain all his methods, which are guaranteed to work, if both spouses follow his instructions.
He has often told the story of how he started out working on this subject and he himself was always very surprised when couples who had suffered infidelity actually came to him wanting to recover from that instead of divorcing.

He always says it is a narrow road which leads to recovery too, so it's not an easy task, but it can be done.

If you want your marriage, don't lose hope. I've seen worse cases on this forum and they have made it.

And I would like to insist, be proud of yourself in the midst of the misery you are going through. You have done the honourable thing. And this is a very difficult moment, probably the worse.

It will get better, with or without your BS.

Hi Brooke. just curious
would you do anything different??
what ???
many prayers my sister
Jerseyboy

I think 'state of mind' might be a better phrase than 'personality'.

His 'state of mind' is that of an enraged, deeply wounded animal, which is completely expected given the circumstances.

Brooke, whether your M survives or not, you did absolutely the right thing by fessing up. It showed courage and strength.

Hi Brooke, good luck in counseling today!!