Brooke,

In contrast to some others, I have seen lots of good advice here, and you have taken much of it.

You were advised to tell him, you did that.

You were advised not to make any decisions right now, you haven't.

You were advised to be honest with him about everything, you have done that. Even when the honesty hurt him - you have done it. I know how hard that was for you, and for him, BTW, and while no one could have done it perfectly, there are many armchair quarterbacks with 20/20 hindsight who can critique it all day........you did what you could with the situation at hand. A very tough situation at that - your husband blindsided you with a confrontation with the OM. I don't think I could have ever faced that at all. I don't think that being faced with that situation, that I would have been able to have said and done everything exactly correctly. So Brooke, you need to mark that up as "I did what I could in the toughest situation I ever faced", and you go on with your head up. Because you told the truth - and now, you go on and deal with the next step from it. That is all you CAN do, really. We fall down, we get up. I actually have to respect you for making it through all of that drama. I honestly don't know if I would have had the courage to face all of that.

You were advised to seek a counselor. From very early on, you have told us that you had already known of a counselor a friend recommended, and obviously you had taken care of that, and you followed up with your appointment today. Good job on that.

The side arguments, they have their value. They can teach about the deeper concepts of marriage, fidelity, honesty; the nuances of the philosophies that underpin the lessons you will learn on the website and in the books. Each of the "vets" hold their own viewpoint, and each has value to offer you. My advice to you is to read everything here that you can - even if the threads might not seem to apply to you right now. You will come to learn about the posters, find out who fits your personal style, who makes more sense to you. More importantly, you will learn about the concepts of Marriage Builders, what drives these concepts, how they are applied by the various people who utilize them in rebuilding marriages after infidelity, and also garner insight into your own behavior and marriage - all of these will make you better equipped in rebuilding your marriage. Even if your marriage is not recovered and you do end up divorcing, the concepts you learn here will assist you in understanding what happened, why you had an affair, and how NOT to carry these problems into your next relationship.

So I disagree with the advice to "stay off the boards". Because this particular website has a great deal of learning to be had, and if you spend your time reading the website, learning the Marriage Builders concepts (such as radical honesty, emotional needs, and POJA), asking questions, and reading threads, you can increase your understanding of infidelity and recovery. Time well spent, IMHO.

Now for the advice section of this post:

1. Read the website for the Basic Concepts. Learn them, and begin to evaluate your marriage in terms of how you and your husband fare in applying them. Where are you weak, and where are you strong, in terms of a marriage partnership? I'm asking you to do this because it helped me understand what I needed to focus on in terms of "changing" in MY OWN approach to the marital relationship after my husband's affair. I thought "he needs to change". The answer really was, "I need to change". Because I only control one person in this marriage, ME.

2. Do the emotional needs questionnaire. Again, do some evaluation - what do you think you were seeking with the OM? Now, take a look at the same questionnaire, and think about your HUSBAND's point of view on emotional needs. What EN's of your husbands were you NOT meeting? This gave me insight into very specific PERSONAL areas of need between the two of us. It gave me a direction for my PLAN A. You will need to do a Plan A of sorts, because although you are not trying to bust up an affair, you ARE trying to make yourself attractive and safe for your husband again. Plan A behaviors will assist in that, so you will want to review that, and the emotional needs of your husband, in order to put together your plan.

3. Read especially on the concept of withdrawal from the fantasy of the affair partner. You need complete understanding of this. Two very good resources are "Surviving an Affair", and "After the Affair". Order them. They are worth the money, and can also help your husband when he is ready.

4. Don't stop coming to this website. You will get help here, and support here. But remember that quite often, the advice you DON'T like can very often be the advice you need to listen to most closely - it might be hitting the mark because it hurts. And sometimes, the posters can be "rough", but their hearts are in the right place. I've hung around because - well - even though some people can "sound" mean, nearly everyone here is here because they really want to help other people. Remember that. They can fight on one thread, and laugh with one another somewhere else.

SB

((((Brooke))))

I am so sorry about the email. I know with all of his actions, this is hard on you. I am not putting your H down by any means. He is hurt, wounded, and demoralized. But I am concerned about the affects all this has had on you??? How are you holding up?? How are you sleeping??? How are you eating??? Who is supporting you through this???

I ask this, because this is a very stressful time for YOU, and I am concerned for YOUR wellbeing. Everyone has given you great advice, and you are doing ADMIRABLY well in doing all you can to do the right thing.

Now, my only advice to you is to make an appointment with your regular Dr.. Tell him/her what is going on in your life and how you are doing with it all. This way you can be prepared for any aftereffects that may show up....depression, anxiety, sleeplessness to name a few. You need to take good care of yourself, this is vital no matter what happens to your marriage....

Keep up the good work and stay on here. You have many supporters here.

not2fun

I am a realistic person and I know the odds are stacked against us. We lack the most basic components for rebuilding: love, trust and respect. H knows that I am not in love with him and I told him that way before I got involved with xOM. I am sure the feeling is mutual now. Trust and respect don't even get me started on those 2 issues.

After I confessed it was a lot harder to walk away than I thought it would be. Maybe it's our long history. I have been with him all my adult life. He was my first everything. I just can't imagine not having him in my life in some way. Even though we have lived separate lives the last couple of years he was still around. Something keeps me from throwing in the towel all together. Maybe it is guilt. I don't know which is why I have not filed for a divorce.

If you are not sure, then how can you be sure unless u 2 really talk things out. If you can't do that between the 2 of you, then get a neutral 3rd party (i.e. MC or IC).

I recommend calling Steve or Jennifer or get an MC familiar with MB principals.

I can tell you that none of us wanted t/b in this situation. Still we are forced to make changes but we learn to make wise ones. Those changes may hurt in different ways and at different times but if the ending result is positive, it w/b worth it. Why? Because all changes will hurt to a degree one way or the other.

This is a life changing decision you are contemplating. Make it be the right one.

JMHO,
L.

I told our close friends and family. I did not send out a mass e-mail. D-day #1 I confronted him with my proof and kicked him out of the house. I was hysterical but not physically violent that time. D-day #2 he got a black eye and a bloody lip. I also slapped him across the face as hard as I could. I through all his stuff in the front yard and called his OW to come and get his ****** and HIM. The next day I had him served with divorce papers at work.

I want to update you about my counseling session. She told me a lot of the same stuff you guys did. She asked a ton of questions about our history. So today was really about her getting to know me and my situation. She wants to talk to my H one on one. I don't believe he will agree to a joint session as this time but he might agree to see her by himself. She gave me some suggestions on how to approach him. I really expected her to give me a list of books to read and a bunch of homework on how to improve myself but she didn't. I really like her and felt very comfortable with her. I actually left her office feeling better. I am going to go back on Monday and we are going to discuss long and short term goals.

The only thing I would have done different is when OM showed up at the house I would have left. I have no regrets that I did not tell him in front of a professional. In my case I don't think it was necessary. Schoolbus, FL2H, and L.I.T gave me some very good ideas on what to say. The problem was after I mentioned the best friend part everything sort of went to ****** after that. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" /> The reaction would have been the same no matter how I told him. I do think if there is a fear of physical violence it's a very good idea to do it in public or with a professional.

Last post for tonight I promise.

re: the fall out of the email.

I think H already regrets sending it out. He was in a fit of rage when he did it. Now everyone knows our business. My work place is like a second home to me and a very supportive environment. Not everyone knows at work because H only knows a few of their emails. Those who know are not gossips so at least work is still a refuge for me.

I am not going to reply to the emails. I have already told the people who are most important to me. Since H sent the email out he can answer all their questions. I will be very honest and say that I am still furious he sent it out but he did it. Nothing I can do about it.

Hi Brooke,

There's a saying that goes something like "act in haste, repent in leisure". It's very good advice---here you will be encouraged to ACT (according to a plan), and not REACT.

Offer the counseling to your husband. Let him know that your goal is to work towards a happy marriage with him; one in which you are both satisfied. And that you're committed to doing it. Don't depend on his reaction to this, to counseling, to what he does with email, etc. It's not an easy path for either of you, but it's the one that will help both of you the most---regardless if you get through this with an intact marriage or not. Hopefully your counselor is skilled enough that she'll be able to help guide the two of you through this process.

Remember---don't react. Act like you will make this marriage work.

great advice K.

Brooke, just keep YOUR goal in mind. you are doing great. your posts sound very strong willed.

are you eating/sleeping ok?

Hi Brooke,

I am not surprised that he has already started to regret the mass email.

My FWH and I have discussed a couple of times how he thinks he would react if I were the one to have an affair. He claims that he would forgive me and want to stay married as long as I was remorseful.

I have come to believe over time that we simply can not predict what we will do in a given situation. I would have sworn on my entire savings that I would have thrown my FWH out and filed for divorce immediately.

While my FWH is not a violent man nor does he have a bad temper, I would't be surprised if he did get violent. I think it is more than difficult, it is impossible for any WS to imagine how deep the devestation felt by the BS unless they have been one.

And even then it's still just a prediction, isn't it. We have all learned that we didn't really know our WS, for me the next step was realizing and accepting that I didn't even really know myself.

You take care, stay strong, you are doing great.

Who

Hi brooke
congrats on finally getting into counseling.
i hope your goal is to
1. understand yourself and be honest with youself and your counselor
2. be open to her advice
3. build a happy life for you..
all the best
jerseyboy
ps... show "the" email to the counselor

Brooke,

I have seen the statement made that you aren't in love with your husband. You still want to save the marriage, though.

I wonder if you are still in the fog of "I love him but I'm not 'in love with him'", as fallout from your affair?

This is quite common after a romantic affair. Please know that this sense is likely to lift once you have a length of time in no-contact from the affair partner. Also the fact that you and your husband have spent too much time in a marriage of basically living separate lives has likely created a sense of distance between you. This can result in the loss of feeling "in love" with your spouse as well.

The MB plan allows a way to make the feelings rekindle - it involves spending more time together in activities which are pleasurable for the both of you, meeting the emotional needs of one another. At first, it may seem a bit stilted and awkward, because the time is planned. You two haven't done things together for awhile, and you know you're doing them as part of a "plan". But, if you keep doing them, they become feeling more natural and actually do help increase the bonding and feelings of affection and love toward one another.

Another thing for you to learn about. I encourage you to do some reading on withdrawal, and about spending time with your spouse. If you do both at the same time, you can cover lots of ground in the recovery process.

Recovery is not for the faint of heart, and it will not be an easy chore. It is NOT short-term, either. Plan for this process to take about two years of hard work, and that means from the point of buy-in on BOTH your parts.

SB

Thinking of you Brooke. Give us an update.

thinking of you too Brooke.

I felt like that long before I got involved with xOM. Still I am hoping time and NC will help me get over him. H and I use to to be in love with each other once. I know it will take a lot of hard work. After everything that has happened I don't even know if its possible but I still want to try.

For an update I checked online and H has not filed for a divorce as of Friday. I am really beginning to feel the consequences of my actions and all the ppl I have hurt. My mom called me today and thanked me for embarassing the family. She said its the only thing people are talking about and she cannot say one thing to defend me and she finds that very upsetting.

H found out the circumstances of how my brother found out about my affair and that has really set him back. My brother did not help matters much by his reaction. He did not say much but more or less he told H he did not owe him anything since they were no longer friends.

Now H is tormented with the idea of xOM getting away with this. He told me at least I had the satisfaction of getting xOW fired from her dream job. He said he will never have that type of satisfaction. He keeps on saying xOM have never given a damn what people think about him and he will not care in the long run if his reputation suffers because of our affair.

I told him I was seeing a counselor and he rolled his eyes and told me that I better not even ask him to go.

hi Brooke, so where is DH living? with you still i hope?

patience Brooke, patience.

you are doing the right things, getting yourself help via counseling. you can only control you.

regarding your mom. just apologize to her and then let it go and forgive her if she is not able to quickly forgive you. understand, it will take time for her too.

Brooke..if more mothers reacted the way your did, the world would not have to deal with so much infidelity. You have a good mother there.