Well Brooke, it's good to hear from you and it's good that your DH hasn't filed. Time is important. At least some periods of time. You yourself are now feeling different after s few weeks of NC. Your DH also needs some time and it would be great if he made no long term decisions until a couple of weeks have gone by and he has a clearer mind. So far it seems that that may happen.
Be calm and strong. Easier said than done I can imagine but you are doing fine. How do you really feel?

I admire you for listening, reading and deciding, looking for help and accepting it. I have a friend who has recently found out her H was having an affair but she refuses to listen, and is following her instincts and things are not going well.

T/J: CC, it's GREAT to HEAR you posting, my friend!!

T/J Hello to you too Mimi. I have started reading again lately because I'm trying to help a friend who's H had an affair. I got caught up with Brooke's situation.
How I wish my WH were like her, but he seems to be the complete opposite! After 3 1/2 years he doesn't even admit he had an affair! (which is still on going...)
Anyway let's not threadjack Brooke's space.

Brooke. stay with the counseling... even if and ESPECIALLY if your Husband refuses to go.. He needs insight into himself as much as you need to know WHY you do what you did.
.some things to think about in counseling
when and why did your marriage END for you???
why do you want to stay married to this Husband???
be honest with your self about the revenge you sought for your husbands affair..
take deep look at the character of the 4 people in this drama.. YOU, H, OM, Brother.. I personally would NOT have ANY of you in MY LIFE..
Listen to all the advice you get on this site
DONT take ANY of it witout a professional counselors..insight
your life is YOUR responsibility
regards
jerseyboy

Brooke:

Call your mother back.

Tell her you made a terrible mistake.

You are trying to FIX it.

You told your Husband what happened, and are facing the consequences of that.

You don't know what the future holds, but you know that you are facing the future with honesty, instead of lies.

And then tell her your sorry for any pain that you caused.

And then say "talk to you later"

And hang up.

LG

FL2H and ccbis,

H is staying at a rental property that we own. He says he has no intention of moving back here but he has not filed yet..... CC you asked how I was really doing. I feel like I am going crazy and being pulled in all different directions. I have been throwing up a lot the last few days and I am not sure if it is some kind of flu or from stress. That is how pathetic my life has become. Still I am eating and trying to get as much rest as I can. You know one day at a time.

jerseyboy,

You talk about character. My mom was telling me she has been talking with H's and xOM's parents and they were all trying to figure out where they went wrong with the 4 of us. How could they have all raised such liars and cheaters.

Mom asked my brother and I if there was something her and dad could have done differently with us. She said we are both cheaters and liars and she did not raise us like that. We both told her these were decisions we made as adults and it has nothing to do with how they raised us. She told me that xOM parents are good Christains and did not raise him to be a liar and a homewrecker. She pretty much said the same about H's parents. The only conclusion they came to is that H, xOM, and B lost their way when they turned their back on Christianity and because Atheists. She wanted to know what my excuse was. I was not going to argue with her about that but I did tell her I was very sorry that my behavior has caused her so much pain and embarrassment.

I will continue with IC to try and figure out why I let this happen.

Brooke,,,,

It sounds like you are holding up pretty good. You did a good job with your mom. The fact that you are not running away from all this shows great character. You will be blessed in the end from all of this.

Have you talked to your IC about antidepressants?? How about making an appointment with your regular DR.?? I only ask, because of the health ramifications in all of this. I know what it can do to you. And if you need some help getting through it, that's ok....

Thanks for keeping us posted....and keep up the good work.

not2fun

brooke
you are a very young woman.. with a ton of life ahead of you..
to be truely happy you must develop your standards of what kind of prople you let into your life.. you must define your values and you must keep your word.and know who you really are...if you can..try stepping outside of yourself and observing the 4 of you..
i am sorry about your extreme anxiety and nausea..rough...

do you exercies?? its really good for relaxing.. also meditation.. and deep opening up to a friend.. do you have a good girl friend??..someone who will deep listen to you.. someone safe?? who wont judge?? a clergy man you trust??
i suggest a woman ..only... being this open with a male is dangerous..but then you now know this..you do know that "grieving" with OM was just ringing the dinner bell..for him..get therapist to explain your H and OM.. and what was really going on...
I wish you peace
Jerseyboy

Hi Brooke,

i agree with getting yourself to the Dr and maybe seeing if meds might be a good idea. not sure if you are open to that idea or not, i was very opposed but in the end, i did for a short time and it did help.

you have an excellent plan, continue with IC and take care of yourself. no matter what happens, you will come out of this ok.

how are you feeling about your mom? is it getting to you or do you realize that HER inablity to deal with this all is HER deal? just give her time. and forgive her because by forgiving her, you will be giving yourself a gift, the ability to let it go.

your own actions are all you can control.

i'm sorry to hear DH is not staying with you. that does make it harder. just let him know as best you can that you are working on growing from all this and improving yourself.

huggs to you, keep posting, we are hear for you.

Brooke, It's good to hear from you.

I can't even imagine the ****** you are going through, it's just imagining it that has kept ME faithful. I really wouldn't want to. You must really be a great person (and a very corageous one) because you are doing the right thing. You are doing what it takes to correct your mistake and you will come out of this a better person.

People who deny or ignore it, or just pretend it is no big deal will never be admirable or trustworthy people, They miss the chance to grow as humans, in the right direction. BE PROUD that you are doing the right thing to grow. Even if it seems to be tearing you to pieces now.

You have to live through it. You may need help so go to your doctor, maybe get antidepressants if you need them. Take care of yourself, DECIDE to eat and sleep, you need to be strong to get through this.

read here. it's sort of comforting to know others have been through the same and have made it to the other side.

You can only control YOU. And by controlling YOU you can help others (DH, parents, siblings) Show them that repenting and working on yourself to correct your mistakes is the best way to deal with this. We are all fallible, that does not distinguish us one from another. It's what we do about our mistakes that determines whether we grow and become better people or we get stuck with an ever growing load of never solved problems and situations.

Is IC helping? Do you have friends who support you?

your marriage is currently on the backburner, until your H decides what he wants to do. If he should decide to give the marriage another chance (you have already stated that would be your choice) I really think you should try to get counselling from the Harleys. It's all done by phone so maybe he will accept that. In the meantime there are articles on the web page that can be of help.

keep posting. I'm sure it helps.

Don't get lost!

Brooke,
I've not read your whole story, but I know you're in a lot of pain. There's nothing I can say that everyone else hasn't said already. Just wanted to send a hug your way and let you know that in the end, it will be okay, if it's not okay, it's not the end. I don't remember who said it, but it makes sense. Take it one day at a time.

hugs for you ...from another ww

It sounds like you are totally owning up and doing the right things. Just keep it up. Some day soon, you'll earn back their respect. It's a painful and confusing time for everyone.

You're doing great.

H sent me an email and he says that he wants us to see a mediator. He says if we file a joint divorce petition it can be finalized within 10 business days. I called my IC and basically she says don't cooperate with the joint petition and if he files solo I should do everything I can to stall it short of being charged with contempt of court. She did strongly encourage me to get legal counsel because she thinks he will file soon.

At this point H will not even consider seeing her but she says that is very normal. I worry by not cooperating at all it will just fuel his rage. I thought of maybe a compromise if we get counseling for X amount of time and if he still feels the same then I will agree to a divorce. She said we live in a no fault state and he will get the divorce no matter what. She told me at this point my best option was to stall. I really think my IC suggestion will just fuel his rage and my idea is better. What do you guys think?

I do not think you have a right to stall. Your BH has the right to divorce you based on your actions and you should not make it harder for him to leave if that is his choice.

Brooke,

Harley, says in his discussion of the POJA, Policy of Joint Agreement, that even divorce should be POJA'd. If you don't want a divorce and you want to save this marriage then you should consider giving this more time. I am surprised gladly that your IC is standing for the marriage. Most don't. They simply try to easy there clients pain.

Stalling will not easy your pain, but it does give your H time to really think about all of this. After all he did cheat on you as well.

Your call of course.

God Bless,

JL

It has always been recommended here to the spouse that wants to recover. That is to stall. Then to say I don't talk divorce, talk to my lawyer.

So Brook, lawyer up and have him stall.

TR..that refers to a WS that wants to divorce to be with their affair partner.

Putting obstacles in the way of a BS that wants out is frankly cruel. Not only does the BS have to endure more heartache through a long divorce process...they also have to deal with spending more money. Any WS that drags their feet after the BS has expressed their clear desire to divorce is just imposing more selfish actions on to the BS.

Stalling will increase her H's pain. And the POJA is not applicable here since even the good doctor says that the BS has a right to divorce the WS if they choose to do so. In addition...Brooke BH has not agreed to use MB guidelines. Imposing them on him is silly.

in my humble opinion, your husband has a right to divorce you. But that doesn't mean I think you should readily agree to divorce. I think that telling him the truth, that you would prefer not to and suggesting a time period to think it over is good idea.
He doesn't seem to like the suggestion of IC, but maybe he would appreciate the fact that YOU are seeing a counselor.

I think you BOTH have to think things over very carefully, after all it has been quite complicated between you these last few years.

The fact that you didn't recover properly from his affairs means that that is also pending...

I think a cooling off period is necessary. That's just my opinion.

MEDC- geez, her husband had an affair too- she was trying to work it out. Why are you saying her affair was worse? So what it was his best friend- I didn't think there were "degrees" of badness in affairs...

I think it's ironic her husband's outrage- like he was so lily white...she can forgive but he shouldn't even try???

HTH