her H's affair was no better or worse. The fact is she decided to forgive. It would be nice if he wanted to do the same. He has made HIS choice to not do so...it is not up to you or I to tell him what to do regarding this. He has a right to make his own choice.

As far as trying to work it out...I don't see how she was doing that in her H's friends bed.

I feel bad for Brooke. I feel bad for her H. I just feel he has a right to divorce without complications if he chooses to do so. I would have told Brooke the same thing after her H's affair.

I think it's extremely unlikely that anyone this close to a traumatic shock is in any fit state to make life-changing decisions. I'm sure we've all been in positions where we thought we were acting rationally and with clear sight, only to realise later that our judgement was way off. Shock does that to people.

On a simple biological level, it takes time for the neural pathways to alter and develop to cope with the shock. We're talking months, not days.

MEDC, I sometimes get the impression that your purpose here is to prise every partnership apart. You seem have little respect for anyone who tolerates a less than perfect partner, which, by definition, is what most of us here are doing.

You have clearly not tolerated imperfection in your own partners. Do you believe every BS here is a fool?

TA

i think this is exactly why people are saying to stall.

thinking of you Brooke.

TA...since you obviously don't know what you are talking about regarding my life...let me give you a bit of info.

I took back a wife that cheated and worked towards recovery...she cheated again and forced a divorce.

I then spent year after year dealing with and trying to recover a relationship with my boys mom until she finally pushed it too far.

I hope Brooke and her H stay together. I am not trying to see them apart...but at the same time I do not feel as though a WS has a right to impose their will on a BS that has made a decision to leave.

Your post to me was rude and I would appreciate you never addressing me again.

eta..If you have a problem with my posts, contact a moderator. I have been given direct feedback from the moderators that my posts and messages are in concert with this boards mission.

Brooke
in reading the posts here.. are you getting a sense of the "agendas"..of each poster...
I counsel you to do what is "reasonable"
right now your H is acting with his bruised ego..he is moving way to fast..AGAIN..
didnt you say he regreted the email exposing your affair???
you still have "rights" in your marriage..
a marriage of 10 years deserves a more reasoned approach..
dont you think ???..
dont fear his responses...observe him and learn more about him.......AND yourself..
get a few others counselors advice..get insight into a males's EGO...
and
in a word.. cool down and STALL

jerseyboy

still thinking of you brooke!!! hang in there!!

Update. I am making very little progress where H is concerned. Unless it has to do with business (ie taxes or divorce) he has nothing to say to me.

I found out from a friend of mine that H's xOW has been sniffing around. She wanted to know the status of our marriage. Like MY friend would tell her anything. She told her to mind her own business and reminded her how she was dumped. You know if she would ask a friend of mine she must be desperate for information and on the prowl. When I found out both times H looked out only for himself and threw her under the bus. After d-day #2 she sent him many emails saying how much she hated him. Maybe she doesn't anymore. One more thing I have to deal with.

Is he willing to spend any time doing fun things with you?

Brooke, I hope you are still hanging on. Too little time has gone by, both of you are still under the emotional impact of your confession. How are you doing overall?

what does he say about the divorce? Have you told him you don't want a divorce?

sending you some hugs and prayers Brooke. I hope you can feel them!

That would be a no. His idea of a good time is discussing how we are going to divide our assets.

He let me have it earlier. He said that it kills him that I will get 50% of his assets and a court would more than likely give me SS after I destroyed his life. I told him money was the last thing on my mind. He says I am a liar and a fraud. He was really upset today. I tried to hug him and he pushed me away at first and then he hugged me back. I could tell he was really angry that he let it happen. I am not going to read anything into it. He still wants a divorce. I have a counseling session tomorrow. Hopefully I will be able to get some clarity from her.

I have told him that I do not want a divorce. I think I have done everything short of getting on my knees and begging him not to divorce me.

Brooke you've done great! There is only so much you CAN do.
"It's not over until the fat lady sings", thats' what I've been told.
Things have happened way too fast. Sometimes what is really needed is to "be still", like Ark has written in a famous post. (It's for betrayed spouses). That advice would be good for your H, because he's acting out of anger, and that is usually not good.

So YOU be still. Let him exhaust his anger.

Take care. I will pray for you.

dorry's thread

Brooke, check the above thread, it may be of interest to you.

Brooke,

When he talks about dividing assets, or anything divorce related, tell him

"I don't do divorce. I do marriage building. Let's talk about how to get this on track and fix what we need to fix. There is a way through this, and for us to be better at being married and in love."

If he does ultimately ask how, tell him about some of the things you have learned at MB.

And tell him that lots of people have made it past infidelity, by meeting each other's emotional needs and learning to work as a team together.

Just start with the basics.

SB

Brooke,
Keep in mind that many divorces are filed that are never finalized. My FWH file for divorce but then we worked things out.

One word of caution if your husband does file for divorce you will have certain time periods in which to file responses or they might be able to proceed without you.

I wish you the best.

Victoria

It certainly couldn't hurt for you to do just that.

I read dorry's thread. It was very inspiring but at the same time she did not sleep with her H's best friend. He has told me more than once he could have gotten past me having an affair. He told me he would not have given me grief about it. He can't get past the betrayal with his best friend and that he why he wants a divorce. He told me today he will never forgive me for robbing him of his best friend. If I did not know better I would think he was more heartbroken about not having J in his life anymore.

I am not getting anywhere with H. I know I need to give it more time and I will. H told me today that he was going to start dating. I was about ready to rip his head off and lash out at him for acting so childish but then I remembered what some of you keep on saying I can only control myself and not him. I told him that he had free will to do whatever he wanted. I could not go down this road again. The only place where I got snippy was when I said we were both adults and I felt like he was playing some kind of game. I told him we were both too old for games.

Then he told me since we were all about being honest now that he wanted to confess to me that he was in love with the OW and that he did consider leaving her for me. I knew he was trying to hurt me by telling me that. I thanked him for his honesty. That made him furious. So no matter what I do I cannot seem to get anywhere.

I know that H wants to make me angry and get some kind of reaction. I know he wants to hurt me and make me feel pain. Here is the thing that worries me. When H told me he was going to be dating I got mad because he was acting childish, not at the prospect of him dating an OW. When he told me was in love with the OW I did not really feel anything. If he had told me something like that over a year ago it would have put me in a depression for days.

I am just rambling now. Thanks for reading.

FinallyLrningT2H,

If you read this can you please e-mail me? I have something to ask you.

My email brooke0011@gmail.com

Brooke,

""He told me today he will never forgive me for robbing him of his best friend. ""

If he is speaking to the xBF he is probably saying approximately the same thing to him about you.

Stay strong and take care of yourself.

kirk