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I am really confused.
My WH moved out 3.5 weeks ago to be on his own.
He is a very kind person and is guilty of appearing to sit on the fence with his head in the sand as far as the OW (my XBF) goes - ignoring calls etc. My problem is that he has not told her of his commitment to me. This was apparent in a phone call she made to me last Thursday under the pretense of 'Happy Birthday'. I am sure she was stirring the pot. Sadly the untrustworthy information she gave me is all that I have to go on. She did however say that he has not made a committment to her and it would have happened by now, so she was going to cut him lose.
I probably sound like a million of other 'sucked in' wives. My WH has been in the centre of his mid life crisis and the OW was simply a symptom of cracks within the communication of our marriage. He appeals to me to trust him "It looks like I don't know what I am doing, but I do".
Believe me, he is recovering very quickly and turning from somebody whom I considered to be my eldest child to an independent, effective person. Funnily enough the role I slid into was one of smothering by mothering. I am so pleased that I will be able to give that one up. To have my H doing things with and even for me rather than tagging along is worth the pain. I admire him for making this stand, even though it is killing me at the moment. I see this move as an investment in the continuation of our M.
Today we spoke. I was seriously considering Plan B and even had the start of a letter typed up. The physical problems I endure by simply seeing him are too much and any more weight loss will be dangerous.
I told him that I was so confused about his intentions, lack of declaration to the OW of love and committment to me, and his wanting to be part of the family but not here. My birthday was last Thursday (oops better change the sig) and he came with us to a public picnic. You would not have known that anything was amiss to the general people. We talked and laughed and thoroughly enjoyed each others and kids company......and then he went home. I was a mess for 2 days and he has not been happy either.
He wants to come home. I want him here too but not because of the children. Our relationship must be about us and the kids can live around that.
My question is... What do I expect?
Roses and dinners? A honeymoon? Both of us seeing a counsellor (we see our own anyway)? Deep talking? A plan to work towards? Do I write my expectations down (I am a list person and he isn't). Do I expect it to take 4 weeks? 6?
He says he has moved out in order to come back whole and loving. He loves me but is not in love with me (yeah yeah yeah) and we both know that this is able to be sorted out. - Can't wait actually.
He would also like to sell our 18 acre block with beautiful home and pool and gardens. He would like to move into the town. (The OW still lives here too and her kids go to the same school ) My thoughts were that a relationship would be able to survive in a caravan, but my MC suggested that this is him trying to 'provide' for his family with a new home. I also liked his reasoning for selling this place as we would be able to cut down the debt on another investment in the process. I would move to the other side of the world if he were to ask me.
I want him back, not out of guilt and not simply because I am the mother of the children and part of the package.
What do I expect?
Married 20y
BW 42
H 44
DD 10
DS 8
DD 4/20/07
Plan A action, not knowing it
He left, now home
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the OW (my XBF) goes - ignoring calls etc. My problem is that he has not told her of his commitment to me. This was apparent in a phone call she made to me last Thursday under the pretense of 'Happy Birthday'. I am sure she was stirring the pot. Sadly the untrustworthy information she gave me is all that I have to go on. She did however say that he has not made a committment to her and it would have happened by now, so she was going to cut him lose Ok I have to make sure I have this right before I comment. Your husband had/is having an affair with your xbf and SHE calls you to wish you a happy birthday? Why are you letting her have any contact with you. She is only hurting you and making herself feel better. Have you sent a NC letter to her? If this is true and she is the OW never speak to her again, every time you see or hear from you it will set you back in your recovery. Also, you said your husband moved out but also that he is working to rebuild the marriage. He has to be in your home for that to work.
W (me) 44
H 43
Married 19 years
DS 17
DS 15
DD 13
DD 8
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That is kind of what I think too. However, he has firmly said that he will not hurt anybody any further - his idea of being mr nice, kind, fix it guy. I really believe him when he says that he is not in contact with her - before this terribly sad sitch, he was a man of his word!
As for being at home, that is where we both want to be. He has invited me out for lunch which will be our first opportunity to discuss things without kids around. He loves me and wants to be in love with me (yeah yeah)....how do we discover that spark again. I can't see him without falling apart for days afterwards so get the LB behaviour to the front. I am confused as to the part about Plan B'ing but feel strongly that we need time together to recover.
I am a strong woman, I have a business, degree, and do (did) a lot for the community with the reason that I love to give back my fortune. Now I am a miserable weakling that wants the community to go away. I just want my family.
We are both on AntiDs (I would have been the last person on Earth to go onto these previously). His progress is rather amazing up to now. Many things that he just stuck his head in the sand are being taken head on - even computers!. Alcohol is no longer a problem either.
As for OW I do NOT want to talk to her. Just seeing her in her car is painful, so I know now that she is destructive to my recovery, let alone his.
I think I know he needs time to get his thoughts and head back in one place. Perhaps I am too impatient. I simply can't wait for my husband to come back as a strong person, to be with me, rather than be my eldest child and need to be led.
Looking forward to lunch.
Married 20y
BW 42
H 44
DD 10
DS 8
DD 4/20/07
Plan A action, not knowing it
He left, now home
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"He says he has moved out in order to come back whole and loving. He loves me but is not in love with me (yeah yeah yeah) and we both know that this is able to be sorted out."
They move out to facilitate the affair. That is the only reason. They don't do it to find themselves, sort things out, or come back whole and loving.
I really hope you don't agree to sell your home. That would be a HUGE mistake until he is back, not in contact with the OW, and the marriage is on solid footing again - at least 2 years away.
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Either I am living in a fog and blindly trusting somebody untrustworthy, or don't understand you.
I firmly believe this A is not continuing, that he is finding himself and he will come back whole and loving.
I would love to hear from somebody that has a similar sitch to me - this 'finding myself'.
Selling the home is always an option. I am wanting him to have the feeling of finding and providing a home for his family. Remember ANY idea of his is one he has never had before. It has been up to me for a long long time. I feel a need to make him feel valued, and worthy (Yes I need that too but one thing at a time). I can't see the problem in looking around for now.
Married 20y
BW 42
H 44
DD 10
DS 8
DD 4/20/07
Plan A action, not knowing it
He left, now home
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I firmly believe this A is not continuing, that he is finding himself and he will come back whole and loving. you are not thinking clearly and your H is playing you for a fool.
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LOL, MEDC,
I so wish you would come over to my thread and kick my butt.
Your use of the language is great.
BS 52, FWH 53, Married 1-1-84
D-day 5-14-07, WH moved in with OW
Plan A 9 months, DARK Plan B 3-17-08 until 3-2-09
WH and OW broke up 1-09
Started over 7-09
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So what now then? If I am being taken for a fool. Don't want to hear all of this. Do I resort to Plan B letter and go dark?
Married 20y
BW 42
H 44
DD 10
DS 8
DD 4/20/07
Plan A action, not knowing it
He left, now home
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Gather information. Hire a PI if you can afford one.
Has he agreed to no contact? Has he written a no contact letter? Is there EVER a reason for him to be around her? If so, that NEEDS to change.
If he wants to come home...tell him to come home NOW.
Do NOT have sex with him until he has been tested for STD's.
Change phone numbers, email addresses, etc. to stop all contact with the OW.
Consider a polygraph exam and a post nuptial agreement to protect yourself.
You say you admire your H...for what? He hasn't done anything yet. YOU should make sure that you are NOT living close to the OW and that there is NEVER any contact.
Do not trust one word that comes out of your WH's mouth. He is a liar and you should ONLY respond to actions...not words.
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"I am wanting him to have the feeling of finding and providing a home for his family."
What does this mean?
He can have the feeling that he is providing for his family when he becomes HONORABLE and starts behaving like a husband and a father.
He is NOT trustworthy. Don't sell anything right now.
And how was he as a husband before? He sounds like your child.
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The affair has "been over" for quite some time and he is still not back home. I would assume that the affair is on-going.
And why in the world are you talking to the OW? Don't answer calls from her. All she wants is some inside information. She is pumping you to find out your hubby's intentions.
You have been married for a long time, so chances are excellent that he will come back. But I really think you need to go to Plan B, a good dark one.
Buying another house right now would be crazy. Please wait until you are feeling more your strong self. Don't try to bargain him into coming back.
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Ralfie,
I am so sorry that you find yourself in a position to need MB, but you have come to a place of great support.
I have been where you are. Everyone told me (including Believer and MEDC) that FWS was still in an affair. I did not want to believe it. I wanted to believe all that HE was saying to me. Unfortunately, they were right. The man I had known and loved for 24 years; the man of integrity and honor, had become a liar and a cheat.
Please remember, cheater's lie. He is lying to you to protect his affair. Read everything you can here. Read Surviving an Affair.
Right now, you need to snoop until you have proof of the affair continuing.
Also, Plan A: improve yourself and demonstrate your ability to meet his needs. Also, part of Plan A is exposure of the affair to people of influence in your WH's life (family, friends, pastor, etc.)
Happily married to HerPapaBear
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He would also like to sell our 18 acre block with beautiful home and pool and gardens. He would like to move into the town. (The OW still lives here too and her kids go to the same school ) My thoughts were that a relationship would be able to survive in a caravan, but my MC suggested that this is him trying to 'provide' for his family with a new home. I also liked his reasoning for selling this place as we would be able to cut down the debt on another investment in the process. I would move to the other side of the world if he were to ask me. Do NOT let him talk you into making any large financial decisions. You cannot trust him right now. Please realize this. You have NO IDEA what plans he and OW are making. IF he wants to move, then he needs to come home and the two of you decide together to move AWAY from OW.
Happily married to HerPapaBear
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If he wanted to come home, he would BE home. All he has to do is pack up his stuff and move home. It's that simple. Unless, of course, he has a REASON to stay away....like OW. My question is... What do I expect? A lot of wayward babble, because your husband is still having an affair or is keeping the door open to it for later. Ask him to write a NC letter that expresses his repect and love for his wife and family, how wrong and hurtful his affair was, and that he never wants to have any contact of any kind with her ever again. Then he needs to give this letter to you to read and "approve". Then YOU mail it to OW. If he is unwiling or resistant to sending this, consider his affair active. There is no reason NOT to send it, unless he is still involved. For true recovery to take place, there can be no contact with OW ever...from you, your husband or your children. This woman is an enemy to your family. Do NOT consider her a friend to ANY of you.
Happily married to HerPapaBear
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Do I expect it to take 4 weeks? 6? Dr. H says that recovery from an affair takes about 2 years. But remember, that is AFTER no contact is established. Until then, you have not BEGUN to recover. He says he has moved out in order to come back whole and loving. This has got to be one of the most ridiculous examples of wayward babble. To become whole and loving he must be at home where he belongs. He loves me but is not in love with me (yeah yeah yeah) This is more wayward babble.
Happily married to HerPapaBear
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Either I am living in a fog and blindly trusting somebody untrustworthy, or don't understand you.
I firmly believe this A is not continuing, that he is finding himself and he will come back whole and loving. Your husband has proven himself TOTALLY untrustworthy. He has had an affair with YOUR BEST FRIEND!!! He has betrayed you in the most horrific way. You would be demonstrating insanity if you were to trust him. His actions right now continue to prove him untrustworthy. One very important thing you need to get right now is that you cannot believe ANYTHING a WS says. His actions at this point are all that matters. A WS who desires to reconcile will: 1. send a no conact letter 2. move home 3. be radically honest and open by answering every question you have about the affair If he is unwilling to do these simple things (and they ARE simple), then he is still VERY WAYWARD. I know that this is difficult to hear. I've been in your shoes. But you have got to snap out of your denial if you want to save your marriage. I would love to hear from somebody that has a similar sitch to me - this 'finding myself'. Selling the home is always an option. I am wanting him to have the feeling of finding and providing a home for his family. Remember ANY idea of his is one he has never had before. It has been up to me for a long long time. I feel a need to make him feel valued, and worthy (Yes I need that too but one thing at a time). I can't see the problem in looking around for now. [/quote]
Happily married to HerPapaBear
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I firmly believe this A is not continuing, that he is finding himself and he will come back whole and loving. All he has to do is look in his shoes and he will find himself. I'm serious. It's that simple. Here is a post from someone here that I copied and saved because I loved it so much. And is it simply the truth. Unfortunately, I just realized that when I copied it, I did not include who the original poster was. So, for those of you who are familiar with this, please tell who posted this to give proper credit. "We need to be apart so I can find myself" What a cute little euphamism that is, finding yourself or finding out who you are.
Many of my dear friends here no that I am a big believer in using a gentle touch on those unfortunate souls who either "Need to find themselves" or "Need to find out who they are" before they can come home to their families.
So, as a public service to these unfortunate souls I have composed "Finding yourself for Dummies"
First, finding yourself...
1. If you can't find yourself, try looking in your shoes. More than likely you will be there.
2. Do not bother looking where your children or responsibilities are, though that would be a reasonable place to look we know you are not there.
3. If need be, go to the police station and give the desk sargeant an 8x10 or you and ask to have an APB put out since you can't find yourself.
4. Ask your child to point to their mom/dad, if you are not sure which one you are reach into your pants and feel around, if there is a penis there, you are dad, if not, you're probably mom.
Now one of these tried and true methods ought to help you find yourself, but it probable dark so let's help you see better. Reach behind you, palms facing you, arms hanging down and grab. That's your butt. Now reach in that and look for a large round object, that is your head. Now, with both hands pull as hard as you can. You are now performing recto-cranial extraction.
Ok, now you have found yourself. We are making progress here! Now we need to find out "who you are". This is not so hard. Look around the house - if there are one or more particularly short little people ask one of them, they are called children, they probably know the answer as it was one of their first two or 3 words. Not able to talk yet? No sweat.
Look for the full grown person with the red eyes who looks like they haven't slept in a while - they probably know. They aren't home??? let's keep looking.
Try looking in a desk or filing cabinet. Look for folders named "mortgage", "Utilities", Or "Marriage license". There will probably be two names here - you are one of those. So we have found you and narrowed it down to two people.
Now look and see if there is a wallet around. Remember that? Little pocket sized leather folding thingy. Look for something that says drivers license. There should be a name. Now find a mirror (Glass thingy in the bathroom), look at the picture on the driver's license and the face in the mirror, if they match, the name on the license is WHO YOU ARE. If they don't, check those papers you found - you are the other name.
Now that you have found yourself and know who you are go find the other full grown person in the house and introduce yourself. Start out with "I'm sorry I could not find myself or figure out who I was, I know now"
Next, knock off the drama, quit being melodramatic and start being mom/dad, husband/wife like you are supposed to and quit with the childish theatrics because the final piece is WHERE YOU ARE. This is called the real world where people depend on you to act like a grownup and keep track of details like who and where you are. The little people in the house are kinda sorta counting on you too.
If this doesn't work and you have to take a journey to answer these questions there is a chance that when you find yourself you will be alone, without a house, without a spouse, without children who love you and without a penny. That is how my XW found herself a year later. Trust me, my plan outlined earlier is better.
Ahhhhhhhhh.... okay, I needed to get that out since the day my XW took off into the sunset and another post yanked that rant out of me. If your WS tells you that they need time away to find themselves and discover who they are print it out for them. If they can't follow the directions make sure the door doesn't hit them in the rear and injure their head. There is a reason I harp on not putting up with crap from WS's who like to play little selfish games - if you indulge them they keep playing them.
I'm better now. Thanks for letting me take a good long vent... maybe I am finally getting my old, dead, buried, BS issues from the days before I met J out of my system.
Happily married to HerPapaBear
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A WS who desires to reconcile will:
1. send a no conact letter
2. move home
3. be radically honest and open by answering every question you have about the affair
If he is unwilling to do these simple things (and they ARE simple), then he is still VERY WAYWARD. I would add to this: 4. eliminate avenues for OW to contact him (change cell and home number, change email, etc.) 5. be completely transparent with you by providing all passwords, cell phone records, email access, etc. Without all of these things happening, consider your husband in an affair right now and completely untrustworthy.
Happily married to HerPapaBear
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Welcome .. so sorry you find yourself here. the people are wonderful and are speaking out of both wisdom and experience. read and re-read smb's top five things just above - they are a very good place to start.
I'm also posting because you asked for other people who've been in similar shoes to chime in. My WH (who I did not know was wayward at the time) moved out 'for just a month, to find himself, etc' - it turned into 2 months, then 3,4,5 - all the while he was boldly lying to me and building his relationship with OW. He fooled absolutely everyone - sat in our home and lied directly to our pastors faces, lied to his men's accountability group when asked very specifically about this woman, etc. He lied to me in such a way to make me feel ashamed for even suspecting (which I've since read is a very common smokescreen for a WS).
It was so bad that five months after he had moved out, when I accidentally came across a receipt for a nice restaurant on an evening he had told me he had to work late, I confronted him and he told me 'yes he had lied about working late but was having dinner ALONE,' I actually still believed him. I am a smart woman - but it is hard to describe how thick the fog can get. Especially when the man you were once married to was good and honest. Here they refer to a wayward spouse as an 'alien' - because the person you are dealing with is not the person you once knew, for now.
So take the advice above - it's okay that it feels foreign and uncomfortable. That is because you did what you were supposed to do in trusting your husband before - but things have changed since HIS decision to have an A. The playing field is different, let us help you cut through the fog.
BW(me) + XWH - 36
3DS - now 10, 8, 6
Married 10 years
D-Day 10-5-07, lots of Plan B, etc.
Plan D --finalized 2-09
Remarried to wonderful man 1-1-11!
now 3 NEW bonuschildren: DD 4, DS 8&9
... ... ...
GOD IS GOOD.
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Wow am I a sucker.
We had a great lunch and the touches were more tender than in a long time. He said to just give him until his leg is out of plaster - about 3 weeks.
We both established that the PA is over, the EA is still going on,fading but present. He is trying to get over that. He feels a desire to show her things to broaden her horizons - travel etc that we have done together and she doesn't get the chance to do. I suggested writing a cheque for $10,000 - giving her the opportunity. We both decided that she wouldn't use it for travel etc as she is happy with her 'narrow' life horizon and if she wanted to do things she would set her mind to it. Basically he wants to rescue her from things that she is in no need of rescuing. I really want him to rescue me. I actually said not to talk to me about it (tears galore). Going on my naturally inquisitive nature (and being a women) this was a big step for me. I have all of the gory details!
In all of our talking it was "when I come home". The wedding ring is on and has never been taken off and he said it never will be.
He had a lonely, rotten, wet weekend, venturing out to hire a DVD and buy a paper. He misses us.
I hear what you all say and really appreciate the straight talking. I am going to continue with Plan A as this is where I feel more comfortable and where I can be very capable! My MC is keen for me to keep it up, but from a bit of a distance.
As for moving, I am, and have always been open to the idea. Moving into town would be good for the kids too. The OW lives in town and is unlikely to move away. For this reason I would like to also consider moving towns. Kids are in a great school but there are good schools elsewhere and if they don't have mum and dad together, they don't have their family.
I have to be careful not to guilt H into moving back too early.
I will keep you up to date and hope and pray that you won't be able to say I told you so!
Keep watching, praying and talking to me.
Sexymamabear
I have read your stories and we have a similar time line (from what I can work out). You got a lot more angry than me which is something I haven't really done - More the wounded victim role. I am greatly heartened by your recovery and absolutely can't wait for my own. How exciting to have love back. I almost asked for H to have an affair with me at lunch time. Bring it on.
Don't give up on me. Please
Last edited by Ralfie; 02/25/08 12:45 AM.
Married 20y
BW 42
H 44
DD 10
DS 8
DD 4/20/07
Plan A action, not knowing it
He left, now home
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