First, I want to say the reason I am doing this by letter is that all relationship talk between my WW and I have broken down. She shuts down and becomes argumentative and difficult. She just wants to act like nothing happened. So I decided to try a letter. My WW and I promised each other that we would not seek a divorce or go to an attorney without the other ones knowledge. Let me know what you think.

LETTER:

WW,

I started to write you a detailed letter talking about our marriage, your and my behavior, honesty and trust, lies and secrets, mistrust and respect, privacy versus secrecy and so forth and so on. And then I realized it just didn’t matter.

So instead I will leave you with this. I love you. No matter what you do or what you have done, I will always love you, but after your most recent indiscretion I don’t believe there is much of a reason or way for me to stay married to you. Whatever remaining hope there was for us or that I was holding onto is fading away. I feel there is nothing left I can do. If we are to survive as a couple and as a family, the burden will have to shift to you and it will have to shift quickly. I can not wait any longer for you to “S#!+ or get of the pot”. For our daughter’s sake I will keep the door open for us to possibly reconcile. But I can not sit idly by and wait for you to do something that by your own admission your heart just doesn’t feel like doing or that you have not been willing to do for the past four or five years (if not longer). I do not wish to live in the dark or wait for the next “shoe to drop”. Because you have your own definition of what is and isn’t appropriate behavior in a marriage I do not wish to sit at home wondering what you are doing while you go off for a weekend trip, a night out with friends or what you are doing while you are at work. I am not secure in this relationship nor should I be.

I have a life that I am missing out on and it is time for me to move forward and embrace that life. I can’t make you change; change has to come from within. I feel good about my efforts to save our marriage. I feel confident that nothing I could have done would have changed the outcome, but I am glad that I tried anyway. By your own words and actions you were not invested or committed to saving our marriage. I walk away knowing I did everything I could.

While I am disappointed and saddened by the choices you have made and the things you have done, I still have strong feelings of affection and love for you. It would be easy to just keep doing what we have been doing, but after this last event, something has to change and something has changed in me. The only thing I can do is to say “no more.” I do not have the right to tell you what to do, or to give you ultimatums. All I have the right to do is say; this is unacceptable to me and what I want from a partner, a friend, a mate, a lover and in a marriage. You knew that before you did the things you have done and yet you chose to do those things any way (not once, but twice). So I don’t need you to say that you no longer want to be married to me. Sadly, I think you already have.

My hope is that you and I can talk about this soon and begin making plans for the future. If this is to end, I would like for us to work together so that this is as painless as possible, not only for us, but most importantly for our daughter. But if you continue to do nothing, I will be forced to move forward without you. While I am still open to us working on saving our marriage, I have no plans to initiate this reconciliation. I leave that completely in your hands.

Love,

Grovetuckyohio

She is probably so emotionally detached and so utterly sick of this kind of relationship talk that she will toss it in the trash.

If you intend on filing for D, why not just do it and then tell her? Another long sentimental letter is just going to push her away even more. She is not interested in your feelings, but just wants to be informed that you are divorcing her.

Mel, touche (as the hammer hits him in the head)!!

I guess the letter isn't for her, but for me. . .

right! It is good to get your feelings out, but you know how she will react. It won't endear you to her, GT. You know the score. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

I know Mel, it's sad situation. As I've said many times before, she's all I have known. I've been with her since I was 16 years old. I held out hope this would fix itself. I blamed her behavior on everything from a midlife crisis, to "going through the change" at an early age and the hormone drugs, being diagnosed as adult ADHD. I kept thinking she was just going through something and then the light would go on and she'd be my wife again. Even if all those things were true. She still has the ability to know right from wrong and she chose to do the wrong thing again, without any thought or care of our marriage.

Worse yet, as I look back on our past, I'm not sure that she hasn't been doing these kinds of things from the beginning. And that would really suck.

GT, one thing you can take pride in is the fact that you have tried everything. Sometimes the definition of success is divorce and I suspect this may be one of those cases.

Just know this, there is LIFE after D, and you have a chance to make a GREAT life yourself in the future.

hi gto:

I don't remember everything, but are you 2 still living 2gether? If not, this shouldn't be particularly difficult.

But Mel is right, if DV is what you really want, then do it and tell her, not the other way around. necessarily.

Have you called SH recently?

I was surprised when I requested a session only just yesterday late afternoon, and already have an appointment for 2morrow morning!

When I confirmed contact never stopped with RM, and talked 2 several people about my options (she can have him if she's willing 2 let me go), I decided 2 give SH a chance 2 help me determine if she can be approached *one* *more* *time* before I file.

-ol' 2long

GTO,

When I see your name, I think that you must live near me. Are you near a river???

Anyway, Jennifer has worked with me on some letters, and she may be able to help you too. Basically, offer a new life of honesty, trust, mutual love etc and suggestions for doing it. No sappy I love yous etc. State that she has to end it with OM, but no blaming etc.

If you can do a session with either Steve or Jennifer, it is money well spent....

Good luck

2long, we are still living together and sleeping in the same bed (no hanky panky though). I was advised early on by my attorney to not leave the home. As for wanting a divorce, no I do not want a divorce. I am unfortunately in a situation where divorce is the appropriate next step. It's been a while since I spoke to SH. Nothing against Steve, but it wasn't very productive.

ChaiLover, I'm in the Columbus area. The Scioto River is reasonably close.

Mel, while I know that I hung on longer than I probably should have, I'm ok with that (sorta).

Well, you're "one-up" on me but with a very similar si2ation, then.

We're not still sleeping in the same bed, though we do have SF once a month or 2.

I felt that my prior session with SH was unproductive as well. I also felt that, from a marriage-recovery standpoint, all my other IC sessions and coaching sessions were also unproductive.

What had 2 happen for me happened just 2 days ago. I really did reach the end of my rope. I didn't hit bottom in the sense that I felt utter despair, like on and for a long time after d-day. Nothing like that at all. I finally, fully realized that I was responsible for my marriage being unrewarding for me, because I didn't want 2 upset the "pretty good terms" we'd come 2 by me ignoring contact (admittedly, I didn't really know for sure it was going on, but I did suspect).

And Steve really helped this time, because I was receptive 2 real help, finally.

Things can't go anywhere but up from here, after all! And I say that with the acknowledgment that your si2ation is probably very much like mine - not 2 bad, not 2 uncomfortable, financially stable.

Just not exciting!

I'm betting you'll find your voice.

-ol' 2long

I went ahead an sent the letter. I needed to get the ball rolling for my sake. If I didn't do this I would have just kept going home and ignoring that I needed to push this towards an end. I think my wife will ignore it and I will have to go ahead with filing on my own, but surprising I'm ok with that.

2long, my last couple conversations with SH revolved around getting my wife on the MB plan, which she had no desire or willingness to do. He was talking to the choir and at a pretty high dollar cost. I've been seeing an IC for a while now, it's ok, but to be honest, more than anything it gives me someone to talk to every couple of weeks or once a month.

I'm not really sure what to expect tonight when I get home from work. Most likely it will be the same old same old. We'll see . . . I'll let you know if there is any fireworks.

GTO

My daughter had a birthday party to go to. I got home as WW was leaving to drop her off. She came home, didn't mention letter for a little while than said that she had read the letter. I said that's good, do you want to talk about it? She said yes. Nothing very new, she said she loves me, but that she just lost respect for me after I kept spying on her and she's not attracted to me in a romantic way anymore. I said I realized that and that is one of the reason that I felt that it was time for me to move on. She cried . . .

Long story short, it ended in her saying she didn't know how to fall back in love with me and she didn't understand how I thought I could ever love her again after everything she has done. I said it's because I believe people can fall in love again and that there is a plan that I believe that has helped me through this situation. Sooooo

We watched the MBs Infidelity DVD together. Yep that's right she finally agreed to check out the MBs information. It was a tiny step, and I'm still planning on going through with the divorce, but if she is truly willing to call SH and work on our marriage using the MBs principles, I think I should be willing to give it a shot. What do you think???? I'm not looking for just talk, I need to see action from her. We'll see what she does next. It's in her hands now, I've made my decision and I need to stay the course.

I have to go, I'm it's a father/daughter day as my wife is at a scapbooking all day thing.

You know, GT, that is a GREAT development, but I suspect she may have offered it to hold you off a while longer. As you said, you need to see some ACTION.

EVen more importantly, she needs to see some ACTION from you and see that you do mean business. Because if you are all talk, then I suspect she will be too. For that reason, I agree very much that you should go ahead and file.

That doesn't mean that you won't give her an OPPORTUNITY to demonstrate that she can change! But I would put it like this: I will give you an opportunity to demonstrate your changes and if the changes are sufficient to support a marriage, I will consider stopping the divorce action.

That way, you don't lose no matter what happens and are not left in limbo land anymore. If she does demonstrate change, then you can stop the divorce. If not, you can go through with the D and get on with your life. Either way, you come out ahead of where you are now.


She is still very deep in the fog and continues to demonize you for catching her. That tells me she still has the wayward mentality. You are wise to go forward with your plans, GT.

The ball is in her court, GT. Lets see if she can step up to the plate.

100% agree with what Mel said

Fortunate timing on the scrapbooking class. Scrapbooking is all about family, romance, sentiment. Well, she took a tiny step forward at least.

I am no expert, but I think that Mel is right. As harsh as it sounds, I don't think she knows what she wants and therefore is "hedging her bets."
My DH told me that had I caught him before, he would have done a little to try to save it, but only because he wasn't sure what he wanted to do and wanted to keep his options open. He has recently admitted a 4+ year A but now says that he knows that he wants our marriage. And his actions prove that.

Stick to your gut...not your heart. Make her prove it. She is guilty until proven innocent at this point. She really sounds like she is where my DH was...not ready to commit.

Well, I agree 3.86%, and no more.

What's the rush? Are you in some kind of emotional agony?

I say work with her. She watched some MB stuff with you and says she'll talk 2 SH?

So, keep this going. You haven't started DV proceedings, and I see no reason you can't at some point go forward with them if this doesn't pan out.

At the very least, find out what SH thinks before you go ahead.

-ol' 2long

I don't think a spouse needs to be in 'emotional agony' in order to effect change

in fact-

I think if one waits until they are experiencing emotional agony - it takes a huge toll on the marriage

GT, stick with your plan. You are on the right track. There is no reason to make "emotional agony" a way of life. Unless you are a masochist or a fool, of course. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

I've changed my mind.

2.03%

The "toll on the M" has been taken. If gto's sitch is anywhere near what mine is, he isn't approaching any emotional agony - it's waning, possibly a long time ago.

"Disappointment" is probably a better word. Disillusionment is another possible fit.

Getting the FWS talking 2 SH is one of the main goals here. "Change" from the stalemate. Who cares who affected it?

gto ain't no fool, Mel. And neither am I, thank you very much.

-ol' 2long